Naked City, North Carolina. X-rated film star, Stormy Daniels released a police sketch today of a man she claims threatened her to keep quiet about an affair she had several years ago with Donald Trump. “It was terrifying,” Ms. Daniels said earlier. “The man walked up to my car, as I and my infant child were getting in it, and released a blood-curdling yell while gazing up at the moon. He must have been well over seven feet tall, and his body was covered with thick, matted hair. He looked down at me and leaned in very close to my face. His breath was rancid, and a foul, putrid smell radiated from him.
‘You keep mouth shut ’bout sex with Mr. Trump,’ he told me. ‘If you no stay quiet, me come back, and me do awful, awful things to you and your baby! Me serious! OK?’ I told him, ‘OK’, and he ran off at a speed which must have been close to 30 miles an hour. Let me tell you, that is NOT the kind of thing one forgets. So I’m very confident that the sketch we released today is about as close to 100% accurate as you can get. If anyone sees or knows who this man is, I ask you to please call my lawyer and tell him. If it pans out that you are correct, and it is indeed the man we’re looking for, you will be given 100 thousand dollars.”
The loudest, most annoying example of “identity politics” in today’s America, to me, is perpetrated by white Christians screaming about their “rights”. “Oh, we are SO mistreated! We have to live a world where gays can openly get married and, now get this, HOLD HANDS IN PUBLIC RIGHT IN FRONT OF OUR WHITE KIDS! What kind of world is this? Christ, Mexicans are coming across the border in caravans and raping us and eating our babies by the MILLIONS! What kind of world is this?! We are abused, mistreated, maligned, and SO disadvantaged politically that, hell, for EIGHT YEARS, we had to endure, AND LOOK AT, a BLACK President!!!! What kind of world is this?! NEVER in the history of life on Earth has any group of people been more stepped on than white Christians are in today’s America. WE deserve this country to be run the way WE want it to be.
America was founded by, and for, white Christians on, or about, 1950 by Jesus Christ, a FINE example of a white man if EVER there was one, I must say, and six, non-Jewish, white guys, over sixty years of age, who were rich as f**k. There were NO people living in America until white people came here, killed off the dinosaurs that roamed the land, and built tax exempt Christian churches every 2 blocks all across the country. Since all of this is undeniably true, why, oh, why do we poor, maligned Christian whites have to listen to, look at, and tolerate ANYONE who is not just like us?! WHY???? We may seem, on the surface, like little whining, spineless snowflakes when we cry, bitch, and moan about how deeply our tender feelings are hurt because gays exist and Mexicans live across the street from us, but Jesus demands we do these things in his name. It’s the way he wants things to be. He’s right there with us, edging us on to fight for our right to be white, right, and Christian, helping us make our politics and our points of view the ONLY ones that should be heard and tolerated in America.
Oh, how we SUFFER! Oh, how we hurt! Oh, when, oh, when will we EVER get OUR chance to rule and lead in this country the way that hand-holding gays and Mexicans have for centuries?! Until such a time comes, we will continue to whine, cry, bitch, moan, and be the biggest snowflakes we can be in order to defend our identity as whining, snowflake, white Christians who, like toddlers demanding every meal be made of candy, want everything around us to go our way and ONLY our way simply because that’s how WE want it to be. May the blue-eyed whiteness of the all-tolerant, all-loving, Jesus Christ bless us all and help us make America become all white, all Christian and as free of gays and Mexicans as is humanly possible. Amen.”
*My thanks to Scottie for inspiring this post.
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