Ask A Virus

Dear Virus, I’m a young woman who’s just graduated from college with a Liberal Arts degree.  Many people warned me that taking out 80 thousand dollars in loans to get this degree was not a bright idea as Liberal Arts degrees don’t sell well in today’s job market.  I’m hoping this is wrong and that someone out there will hire me for my intelligence and my high level of critical reasoning skills.  Surely, these are values still valued in today’s America.  What are your thoughts on this matter?   Please let me know.
Thanks, Susan Wannaberger, a recent college grad.

 

Dear Ms. Wannaberger, first, let me say….AAAAACHOOO!!!…(Excuse me, I’ve a terrible head cold).  Now, where was I?  Oh, right, let me say this first: I never got to go to college.  See, being a virus and all, I’ve been horribly discriminated against my whole life.  I barely made it outta high school, and no college wanted anything to do with me afterwards.  People dread being near me because they think I’m going to make them sick.  I grew up hearing things like.  “Don’t go near Virus, he’ll make ya’ puke!” and, “I sat next to Virus yesterday in class, and he gave me cooties!” Life, for me, has been dreadfully sad and lonely.  I ask you this: Hath not a virus eyes? Hands? Extremities? If you prick us, do we not bleed?  If you scorn us, do we not hurt and feel shitty?  Of course we do. AAAACHOOO!!! (Pardon me).  So, you see, Ms. Wannaberger, my troubles far outweigh yours. If you want to put your 80 thousand dollar Liberal Arts degree to work for you, get a Social Service job and help poor, lonely viruses like me find comfort in a cold world that hates us simply because we exist.   Hope you find this helpful. Have a grand day.  Yours always,
A Virus.

 

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Trump Nukes London In Honor Of July 4th

Beautiful, Ain’t It?

Cleveland, Ohio.   President Donald Trump today launched a thermonuclear missile at London, England in honor of the Fourth of July.  “Fuck England,” Trump said.  “They repressed ‘Murica back in the day, and they’ve never apologized for it!  I nuked London in honor of our great country, and to send a message to those a-holes in Britain who refuse to speak ‘Murican correctly.   The Fourth of July is a holiday where big explosions signify the greatness of ‘Murica.  Well, the nuking of London was one fucking big explosion, and it was GREAT!  God bless ‘Murica, and God bless freedom!”