Monthly Archives: September 2015

09.28.15
by

Study Reveals 97% Of Americans Believe Budapest Is A Type Of Insect

97% Of Americans Believe This Is A Budapest

97% Of Americans Believe This Is A Buddha Pest

Ignorant Town, Pennsylvania.   Penn State University’s professor of surveys, Sans Everythin, announced today that when asked if Budapest was a city in Hungary or an insect pest that bothered the Buddha, 97% of Americans said it was, indeed, an insect that bothered the Buddha.  “Actually,” Professor Everythin said, “most Americans I surveyed thought Hungary was simply a state of being and had no idea it was also the name of a country in Europe.  Thus, that 97% of them believe Budapest is an insect that pestered the Buddha can’t really be seen as all that surprising.  Americans, I must say, continue to show the world they simply aren’t the brightest candles on the International birthday cake.”

09.26.15
by

Voice Mail Greetings From The Bible

From The Bible

From The Bible

Greetings, Pontificator readers.  I spent the day today calling the cell phones of famous folks from the Bible.  Though no one was available to answer my calls, I did hear several interesting voice mail greetings which I’ve transcribed below for your reading pleasure.  Enjoy.

1.) Moses

Oy Vey! Leave a god damn message already! I'm gettin' senile an' will most likely erase the god damn before....God dammit!!! I just stepped in dog crap!!! Zipporah!!! I told you I didn't want the dog left in the living room!!!! Son of a bitch!!!! I swear to...End of message.

Oy Vey! Leave a god damn message already! I’m gettin’ senile an’ will most likely erase the god damn thing before….God dammit!!! I just stepped in dog crap!!! Zipporah!!! I told you I didn’t want the dog left in the living room!!!! Son of a bitch!!!! I swear to…Beep!

2.) The Holy Spirit

You've reached the voice mail of The Holy Spirit. I can't take your call right now because I'm out impregnating 13 year old virgin gals with The Lord's seed. Leave a message after the beep, and if I'm not too worn out when I get home, I'll call you back.

You’ve reached the voice mail of The Holy Spirit. I can’t take your call right now because I’m out impregnating 13 year old virgin gals with The Lord’s seed. Leave a message after the beep, and, if I’m not too worn out when I get home, I’ll call you back.  Beep!

3.) St. Paul

Um, hello? You've reached Paul. I'm, um..out right now....Jesus Christ, already! This is hard. I made up a whole god damn religion off the top of my head. You'd think makin' up one of these greetings would be easy. Oh, fuck it all to hell! Just leave a message after the beep.

Um, hello? You’ve reached Paul. I’m, um..out right now….Jesus Christ, already! This is hard. I made up a whole god damn religion off the top of my head. You’d think makin’ up one of these greetings would be easy. Oh, fuck it all to hell! Just leave a message after the beep.  Beep!

4.) Baby Jesus

Hey all, Baby Jesus here. I can't come to the phone right now now cause...well...cause I'm a baby and can't talk on phones yet. So, just leave me a message and, after I grow up, get tortured, die for worthless evil ass, and return from the grave, I'll return your call if I deem you a good Christian.

Hey all, Baby Jesus here. I can’t come to the phone right now cause…well…cause I’m a baby and can’t talk on phones yet. So, just leave me a message and, after I grow up, get tortured, die for your worthless evil ass, and rise from the dead, I’ll return your call if I deem you worthy.  Beep!

5.) Mary Magdalene

Hey there studs and studettes. You've made contact with the cell phone of Mary Magdalene. JC and I are at the movies right now, but if you leave a message, I'll return your call later. bye now.

Hey there studs and studettes. You’ve made contact with the cell phone of Mary Magdalene. JC and I are at the movies right now, but if you leave me a message, I’ll return your call later. Bye now.

6.) Yahweh

What! What do you want? Why the hell you callin' me? Ain't you read yer Bible? Don't you know what an unhappy, miserable, vengeful shit I am? What in My Own Name makes you think I'd want to talk to you? Just piss off and don't bother leaving a message.

What! What do you want? Why the hell you callin’ me? Ain’t you read yer Bible? Don’t you know what an unhappy, miserable, vengeful shit I am? What in My Own Name makes you think I’d want to talk to you? Just piss off and don’t bother leaving a message. I ain’t gonna listen to it!  Beep!

09.20.15
by

Today’s Message From Jesus

So, I go down to the bloody laundry room to do my laundry this morning and some bitch is down there using, not only all 5 machines, but all 5 dryers as well. When I asked her how long she'd thought she'd be, she tells me, "None of yer fuckin' business asshole!" Needless to say, that was not the answer I was looking for, so I turned the bitch into a newt and sent her laundry into the heart of the sun. Regardless of what you all may have heard about me, I'm not a patient deity, nor am I always nice to people, especially not on laundry day. I fuckin' HATE doin' laundry!

So, I go down to the bloody laundry room to do my laundry this morning and some bitch is down there using, not only all 5 washing machines, but all 5 dryers as well. When I asked her how long she’d thought she’d be, she tells me, “None of yer fuckin’ business asshole!” Needless to say, that was not the answer I was looking for, so I turned the bitch into a newt and sent her laundry into the heart of the sun. Regardless of what you all may have heard about me, I’m not a patient deity, nor am I always nice to people, especially not on laundry day. I fuckin’ HATE doin’ laundry!

09.18.15
by

Meet Dr. James Hanginweenie, The Naked Psychotherapist

Dr. James Hanginweenie, The Naked Psychotherapist

Dr. James Hanginweenie, The Naked Psychotherapist

Belly Hair City, New Jersey.   Howdy, y’all.  My name is Dr. James Hanginweenie, and I’m what’s known as a naked psychotherapist.  I practice a form of psychotherapy called exposure therapy.  Exposure therapy, which I created, by the way, involves patients being exposed to my fat, hairy, naked body whilst they discuss their deepest and most private thoughts and feelings with me in the privacy of my office or their own home, depending upon their preference.  Whether you’re suffering from depression, anxiety or even schizophrenia, I guarantee after one hour of gazing at my fat, naked ass and divulging your inner-most thoughts to me, the only feelings you’ll be left with will be severe discomfort, embarrassment, and an eagerness to never have to look upon my nakedness again.  My success rate thus far has been 95%.  There are a few male, Christian patients I’ve had who actually liked being alone in a small room with me while I was naked, and I had to stop treating them, but, for all others, my exposure therapy has worked wonderfully.  So, if you’re depressed, anxious, or simply in a rut, book a therapy session with me, Dr. James Hanginweenie, The Naked Psychotherapist.  My fee is a paltry 69 dollars an hour, and, if you book a session with me today, I’ll toss in a signed 8 by 10 glossy of me, naked as a jay bird, absolutely free, for you to look upon whenever you need an extra dose of exposure therapy  to get you through your day. 

09.14.15
by

Confessions Of A Garden Gnome

So, like, I'm just standin' there doin' my thing, ya know, an' dis big, an' I mean BIG. dog comes up ta me an' lifts 'is leg like 'es gonna pee on me. So I says to 'em, 'HEY, Rover, if you pee on me, I'm gonna use my gnome magic an' turn ya inta a friggin' little pussy cat, so don't do it.' An' guess what? Dat bastard pissed on me anyways. Da bastard. 'Co

So, like, I’m just standin’ there doin’ my thing, ya know, an’ dis big, an’ I mean BIG, dog comes up ta me an’ lifts ‘is leg like ‘es gonna pee on me.  So I says to ’em, ‘HEY, Rover, if you pee on me, I’m gonna use my gnome magic on ya an’ turn ya inta a friggin’ little pussy cat, so don’t do it.’  An’ guess what?  Dat bastard pissed on me anyways.  Da bastard.  It’s times like dat when I truly wish we garden gnomes really had magic powers.  ‘Cause if we did, I tells ya, dat dog would be meowin’ right now ‘stead ‘o barkin’ at squirrels in da god damn yard.  I’m really sick’a bein’ peed on by dogs.  It’s bloody humiliatin’!

09.11.15
by

Now For A Word From Aquaman

Hi kids! Just your friendly neighborhood Aquaman here with today's tidbit on the benefits of living under water. Living under water is AWESOME cause when you gotta pee, you just let it go. No need for urinals or toilets down here, kids! Ahhh! I just went right now. Boy, do I feel better. Bye now.

Hi kids!  Just your friendly neighborhood Aquaman here with today’s tidbit on the benefits of living under water.  Living under water is AWESOME cause when you gotta pee, you just let it go.  No need for urinals or toilets down here, kids!  Ahhh!  I just went right now.  Boy, do I feel better.  Bye now, and remember, if you gotta eat tuna, for Christ’s sake, make sure it’s dolphin safe.