Ignorant Town, Pennsylvania. Penn State University’s professor of surveys, Sans Everythin, announced today that when asked if Budapest was a city in Hungary or an insect pest that bothered the Buddha, 97% of Americans said it was, indeed, an insect that bothered the Buddha. “Actually,” Professor Everythin said, “most Americans I surveyed thought Hungary was simply a state of being and had no idea it was also the name of a country in Europe. Thus, that 97% of them believe Budapest is an insect that pestered the Buddha can’t really be seen as all that surprising. Americans, I must say, continue to show the world they simply aren’t the brightest candles on the International birthday cake.”
Greetings, Pontificator readers. I spent the day today calling the cell phones of famous folks from the Bible. Though no one was available to answer my calls, I did hear several interesting voice mail greetings which I’ve transcribed below for your reading pleasure. Enjoy.
2.) The Holy Spirit
3.) St. Paul
4.) Baby Jesus
5.) Mary Magdalene
Belly Hair City, New Jersey. Howdy, y’all. My name is Dr. James Hanginweenie, and I’m what’s known as a naked psychotherapist. I practice a form of psychotherapy called exposure therapy. Exposure therapy, which I created, by the way, involves patients being exposed to my fat, hairy, naked body whilst they discuss their deepest and most private thoughts and feelings with me in the privacy of my office or their own home, depending upon their preference. Whether you’re suffering from depression, anxiety or even schizophrenia, I guarantee after one hour of gazing at my fat, naked ass and divulging your inner-most thoughts to me, the only feelings you’ll be left with will be severe discomfort, embarrassment, and an eagerness to never have to look upon my nakedness again. My success rate thus far has been 95%. There are a few male, Christian patients I’ve had who actually liked being alone in a small room with me while I was naked, and I had to stop treating them, but, for all others, my exposure therapy has worked wonderfully. So, if you’re depressed, anxious, or simply in a rut, book a therapy session with me, Dr. James Hanginweenie, The Naked Psychotherapist. My fee is a paltry 69 dollars an hour, and, if you book a session with me today, I’ll toss in a signed 8 by 10 glossy of me, naked as a jay bird, absolutely free, for you to look upon whenever you need an extra dose of exposure therapy to get you through your day.