President Obama accidentally put a selfie on his Facebook page today which reveals him to be what conspiracy theorists have been claiming for years he is: The Anti-Christ. “OK,” said the President. “I fucked up and I’m busted. So I’m the friggin’ Anti-Christ. So what? Wadda ya gonna do now, sue me? I’d like to see you try. I’m the bloody Anti-Christ for Christ sake! I’ll fucking flay you alive and eat you while your heart is still beating if you even look at me funny. I’ll bet there are a lot of Tea Party members and other Right Wing Conservatives pissing themselves right about now,eh? And rightly so, cause let me be clear on one thing my Republican friends, I’m going to fuck you up. BAD! If you think Obama Care sucked, wait til you get a taste of Obama’s Hell Fire special. It comes complete with a pike for me to impale you on and an open-pit of unending fire for me to place you over so I can watch your flesh bubble off your tight-ass conservative bones for eternity. The Illuminati and I were planning on waiting til a Republican next got elected to the White House to reveal ourselves as the demons we are, but what the hey, the best laid plans, etc, etc, etc. So, that’s about it then. I’m the Anti-Christ and you, starting with the Republicans, are all fucked. I’m not sparing anyone because, to tell the truth, I was treated like shit during my Presidential tenure and I’m really fucking pissed off about it. I’ll see you all real soon now, ya hear? Love, The Anti-Christ, Barack Obama.”
An angry giant monster, bearing a haunting resemblance to Bill Clinton, rose up out of the Gulf of Mexico this morning and aborted the entire state of Texas from the North American continent. The giant beast used what appeared to be a massive blender and literally pulverized the entire state into mush with it. Nothing remains of the state now except a smoldering hole where it once was, and a cowboy hat believed to have been worn by George Bush Sr the night George Jr was conceived. The giant Clinton-like monster returned to the Gulf when it was done and vanished as quickly as it had appeared. The Tea Party released a brief statement blaming the entire event on Obama Care and gay marriage.
In shocking news today, Jesus, the Lamb of God, was banned for life from a local Denny’s restaurant by the manager, Timothy Jackson. When asked why he banned our Lord, Jackson replied, “Because that dude just about put me out of business with His miracle meal visits every Sunday morning and Friday night. He’d come in and order a piece of toast and a cup of coffee for two or three bucks and then feed the whole damn restaurant of eighty or more people with them. I can’t make a profit with that kinda shit going on. Fucking show off!
And it ain’t like He couldn’t afford to just pay for everyone either. He’s the bloody Son of God for Christ sake! Last I heard, God was not exactly living in poverty and needing to perform fucking miracles just to feed his family. So I kicked His ass out. I’ve a mortgage to pay and two kids in college. I can’t afford to go out of business cause the Son of Man feels compelled to show off twice a week.”
A bill which makes being naked for any reason at any time illegal was passed into law today by the United States House and Senate. “Being naked is the pathway to perversions like homosexuality, masturbation, bestiality, and sex out of wed-lock,” said Republican Senator, Hee Haw Johnson of Texas. “From now on, if any American is ever naked for any reason, they will be strip searched, cavity searched, arrested, and held without bond until they confess to their sick prurient lust for children and pets. Lastly, anyone taking a shower is now required to wear an outfit like the one shown above. Those found showering nude will be summarily executed on the spot,” Senator Hee Haw said.
Now that the Republican Apocalypse is upon us in America, we here at The Arm Chair Pontificator have put together a list for our readers on how to best survive it. Remember, everything you read here is absolutely true. Not a single thing has been changed to protect the innocence of anyone
1.) If confronted by a Republican and you’re armed, shot it in the wallet. The best way to weaken a Republican is to wipe out its immediate access to money.
2.) Once you’ve shot its wallet, simply punch the Republican in the nose, then watch it run away crying. Without their money, Republicans are the biggest pussies you’ll ever meet.
3.) If you are not armed, and a Republican approaches you, simply tell it you are a TruChristian and want to receive a copy of the Bible from it to improve your gay-hating skills. When it turns to retrieve a Bible from its bag, run like hell away from it. Republicans are, by their nature, in horrible shape and lack the stamina to chase after even the slowest of prey. They’re used to undocumented immigrants, whom they publicly claim to hate, doing all their manual labor for them. The thought of doing it themselves is reprehensible to them.
4.) If you are near a TruChristian Church and find droves of well-dressed white folk gathered around it, stay the fuck away, or run the risk of being sucked into a blubbering hole so filled with Christian gibberish and religious righteousness that no liberal could ever hope to escape with his sanity intact.
5.) The best places to hide from roaming herds of hungry self-aggrandizing Republicans are Hispanic and African-American neighborhoods. You’re as likely to see a wealthy group of lily-white Republicans wandering around one of these neighborhoods as you are to see Richard Dawkins joining hands in prayer with Ken Ham.
6.) One last survival tip for today: If you have brown or black skin and are a male under the age of 60 do not, and I mean DO NOT, wear a hoodie in ANY white neighborhood whilst walking through it. Even though a few such neighborhoods have been know to contain non-Republicans on occasion, the vast majority of them are literally crawling with the beasts. So, for your own safety, do as I advise. Ain’t met a Republican yet that wasn’t armed and lookin’ to “stand its ground” against brown skin hoodie wearers.
“Funny you should ask,” said Moses during a break today from promoting his new book, ‘Dating Tips for the Biblically Ancient’. ” I just so happen to have brought my Christmas want list with me. I’ve learned over the years that if I don’t loudly tell people what I want I won’t get anything. Some folks assume because I’m Jewish I don’t celebrate Christmas. To them I say, nonsense, Jesus has been my golfing partner for, like, 1500 years. I think the least I could do is celebrate the dude’s birthday.” Moses then went on to list a multitude of items he wanted from his rocky list. Since most of these items haven’t existed for almost 4000 years, so we won’t bother to list them here.
*Moses and the Biblical inhabitants of the after-life would like to wish the readers of The Arm Chair Pontificator a very Merry Christmas, and a very drunk, but safe New Year.
“The poor are needy, pesky, and demanding,” Republican Texas Senator, Bill “Big Gun” McDraw said today, “and they smell bad. Now that we Conservatives control the House, the Senate, and the Supreme Court, we believe it is time we speak out about our true feelings. Besides, why hide what everyone already knows, we truly, deeply, and honestly hate poor people. Not all poor people mind, just those we don’t have under our direct influence. Those working for pennies as our maids, gardeners, and nannies are just fine, at least the ones who don’t complain about their pay are. We do, unfortunately, need some of them. Otherwise, we’d have to get our hands dirty doing menial work. UNTHINKABLE! Jesus would kick our asses outta Christianity if we showed up to a Sunday service with soil under our nails or callouses on our hands. No. It’s poor people who want things like Medicare, Social Security, Obama Care, and food stamps that aggravate the bejesus outta us. They are a drain on our gross profits and require us to pay higher taxes. We just HATE taxes.
The demise of those earning below $20,000 a year would greatly benefit us. It would also make Jesus very, very happy. You see, Jesus only loves those who love themselves enough to not be poor. All were given the free will to choose not to be poor. Being poor is akin to being lazy, and being lazy is evil. Thus, the poor are evil and need to be eradicated. The Republican Party hereby declares to do all in its power to eliminate poverty in America by systematically wiping out every Government program that aids the poor in any way. Every single one of them. The only thing that can stop us is people gathering together and voting us out of office before we can do it. But, as the last election showed, there isn’t a snowball’s chance in hell of that ever happening. God bless you Conservative America. God bless you one and all.”