Astros Won World Series Because God Wanted Them To

God Wanted This

Houston, Texas.     The Houston Astros won the World Series this past Wednesday because it is what God wanted, at least according to God.   “Yeah, after listening to prayers from both the Dodgers and the Astros, I decided that the Astros prayed better, longer and harder than the Dodgers, so I let them win,” God said earlier today.   “I don’t usually like sports teams from Texas, but in this case, I made an exception.   The Astros showed such humility and deep respect for Me, that I simply HAD to let them win.  As for the Dodgers, they just didn’t convince Me they loved and honored Me enough for Me to let them win.

As anyone who knows Me can tell you, I do good things only for those who worship Me best.   If more people would simply understand this, there’d be fewer earthquakes and hurricanes in the world and much more food and medicine for everyone to enjoy.  Oh, also, and I simply feel compelled to mention this, Me being Me and all, as a general rule, I pretty much only accept and listen to prayers from those who practice the one, true religion.  There’s only one that I really consider to be correct, but, Me being Me again, I’m not going to openly say which one it is.  So, take a guess, and maybe you’ll be right or, hopefully, on the particular day you pray, I’ll be in a generous mood and listen to you any way.  If not, don’t count on your team winning the World Series any time soon.”

Divine Righteousness

I’ve been taught since birth that

I am

Special

God

Loves me

He will protect me

And

His

Will is

Righteous

My entire life has been

Based on

This belief

Thus

When my country calls on me to

Kill

Its enemies in

God’s name,

How can I not agree to

Do so?

I’ve been a soldier now for

Five years

Today is the first day that

I’ve had my enemy’s throat beneath my

Blade

He’s

Afraid

I can see the

Terror in his eyes,

But God calls on me to

Kill him.

So I

Slice his throat

Open

His warm blood spills over my hand

And I know,

That even though my stomach wretches at what I’ve done,

Allah loves me because I’ve

Killed an

Infidel

Christian in

His

Name

And

My

Path

To

Paradise

Has

Been

Assured

Allahu Akbar

Pearly Gate Falls From Heaven, Crushes Gary, Indiana

The Pearly Gates In 1998

The Pearly Gates, circa 1998

Sky Fairy City, Oklahoma.   One of the pearly gates to Heaven fell from the sky today and crushed Gary, Indiana into dust.  “My bad,” the owner of Heaven, God, said this morning.  “I’ve been meaning to have the pearly gates repaired for several centuries now, but just haven’t gotten around to it.  It simply slipped my mind.  No, that’s not it.  I was busy helping heal the sick of India so I didn’t have time to fix them.  Yeah, that sounds much better.  Also, I was busy preventing cancer and heart attacks all around the globe, so gate-fixing was the farthest thing from my mind, OK?  Oh, hell, what difference does it make anyway?  It was GARY that was smashed to dust for Christ’s sake, not a REAL city like New York.  In two years, no one will remember any of this, so whip-Dee-frickin’-do!  Get over it already.  BTW, if anyone out there knows of a good contractor, let me know.  I’ve got a huge-ass gate to rebuild up here in Heaven, and I’ve no idea where to begin.”

The Pilot

airplane-wing

I am a man of

Faith

A man of

God

My head is held

High

When I walk

When I speak

And when I pray

God

Is with me

Always

I feel

His

Love

All around me

I see

His

Wondrous works

I hear

His

Lovely

Voice

He

Tells me of my

Special place in

His

Plan

I need know

Nothing else but

God

And what

He

Wants of me

Faith

Has set me

Free

Faith

Has lifted me

Here

Into the sky

Into this

Vessel

So that I can carry out

His

Plan

His

Desire

His

Will

His

Love

And my

Faith

In

Him

Have

Freed

Me from this

 Earth

And

Made

Righteous

My actions as a

Pilot

On Grace And Forgiveness

Grace_Saved_Faith_version_2_by_Valster73The concept of Grace used to come up quite often during my 15 years of formal Catholic education, but I’ve retained little of what I learned about it back then.  So I recently decided to re-enlighten myself on the subject by reading what the Catholic Church and one or two other Christian denominations had to say about it.  In all honesty, if I hadn’t already been an a-theist, I’d have become one based solely upon what I read.  Though there are subtle semantic differences to how, say, Lutherans and Catholics define “grace”, the basic premise, and one I find deeply insulting, is fundamentally the same.  Because of Adam and Eve’s original disgusting sin, little ‘ol me and you were born into this world with our immortal souls awash in filth, evil, debauchery, and contempt for God, our Master.  It is only by the “grace” of this same benevolent and all-loving Master that the rancid stench of insipid evil can be bleached from our souls and save us from an eternity of burning agony in Hell.

Our Master sending his beloved son, Jesus, to be brutally tortured and crucified on our behaves is the only “grace” needed to save us, according to some Christian doctrines.  Others claim we must more actively earn the Master’s “grace” through obtaining sacraments and verbally abusing gays, Jews, and Democrats.  Even others say we have the Master’s “grace” and are saved, or we don’t, and will burn. Period. We won’t know which, until we die and awake either burning in Hell or having amazing oral sex performed on us by the person or persons we most want performing oral sex on us in Heaven.

I find such beliefs to be immoral, repugnant, anti-human, and personally offensive.  I am not evil and I do not require a made up creature to give me “grace” for anything.  Such thinking, in my completely honest opinion, is at the core of man’s inhumanity toward man. This includes all forms of child abuse, rape, war, torture, and poverty. Human beings are not born stained.  It is doctrines like those describing “grace” that stain the collective human consciousness with a guilt it neither deserves, nor needs. We are all there is of us.  No god or grace from a god is needed to save anyone. We are important to ourselves because we are here.  And if tomorrow we are not here, there will be no one to notice, much less care. We truly are THAT unimportant to the universe.

Buddha Says No To Disney Buying Nirvana

The Buddha Is Keeping Nirvana

The Buddha Is Keeping Nirvana

Peaceville, Nirvana.  According to sources close to The Buddha, Disney today made an offer to buy Nirvana from him for an undisclosed amount, but The Buddha said, “No thanks.”

“Man, The Buddha is just not interested in money,” said Buddha spokesperson, Fr. Tom “Stiggy” Stigmata, who has lived in Nirvana for close to a thousand years now. “This guy is happy just sitting under a shady tree all day and listening to Beatles tunes. He loves it here. It’s his home. I know God just recently sold Heaven to Disney for like a trillion, billion dollars, and I’m not bashing him for it, but The Buddha worked too damn hard to just sell this place to Disney so they can turn it into an amusement park.”

The Buddha himself had no comment on the matter other than to politely decline the offer to be interviewed.

Creationist Scientist Discovers Animals From Noah’s Ark

Is This Where Noah Set Free The Animals On His Ark?

Is This Where Noah Set Free The Animals From His Ark?

Snorkelville, California.  Dr. Dinkel “Dickie” Smalls, a Creationist Scientist, claims to have discovered the animals that Noah released from his Ark in the Biblical story. “Amazing,” said Dr. Smalls, “but as I was walking through something called ‘The San Diego Zoo’ yesterday, I noticed all sorts of animals were in it. There were lions, and tigers, and bears. Oh, my! And there were elephants, too! What are the probabilities of all these unique animals being in this one place if Noah hadn’t released them there? Zero, I tell you. Zero. This is proof, once and for all, that the Bible is a literal telling of reality, and all those not believing in it are silly goose eggs who will one day fry in the hell created for them by our All-loving God. Amen.”