Divine Righteousness

I’ve been taught since birth that

I am

Special

God

Loves me

He will protect me

And

His

Will is

Righteous

My entire life has been

Based on

This belief

Thus

When my country calls on me to

Kill

Its enemies in

God’s name,

How can I not agree to

Do so?

I’ve been a soldier now for

Five years

Today is the first day that

I’ve had my enemy’s throat beneath my

Blade

He’s

Afraid

I can see the

Terror in his eyes,

But God calls on me to

Kill him.

So I

Slice his throat

Open

His warm blood spills over my hand

And I know,

That even though my stomach wretches at what I’ve done,

Allah loves me because I’ve

Killed an

Infidel

Christian in

His

Name

And

My

Path

To

Paradise

Has

Been

Assured

Allahu Akbar

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Pearly Gate Falls From Heaven, Crushes Gary, Indiana

The Pearly Gates In 1998

The Pearly Gates, circa 1998

Sky Fairy City, Oklahoma.   One of the pearly gates to Heaven fell from the sky today and crushed Gary, Indiana into dust.  “My bad,” the owner of Heaven, God, said this morning.  “I’ve been meaning to have the pearly gates repaired for several centuries now, but just haven’t gotten around to it.  It simply slipped my mind.  No, that’s not it.  I was busy helping heal the sick of India so I didn’t have time to fix them.  Yeah, that sounds much better.  Also, I was busy preventing cancer and heart attacks all around the globe, so gate-fixing was the farthest thing from my mind, OK?  Oh, hell, what difference does it make anyway?  It was GARY that was smashed to dust for Christ’s sake, not a REAL city like New York.  In two years, no one will remember any of this, so whip-Dee-frickin’-do!  Get over it already.  BTW, if anyone out there knows of a good contractor, let me know.  I’ve got a huge-ass gate to rebuild up here in Heaven, and I’ve no idea where to begin.”

The Pilot

airplane-wing

I am a man of

Faith

A man of

God

My head is held

High

When I walk

When I speak

And when I pray

God

Is with me

Always

I feel

His

Love

All around me

I see

His

Wondrous works

I hear

His

Lovely

Voice

He

Tells me of my

Special place in

His

Plan

I need know

Nothing else but

God

And what

He

Wants of me

Faith

Has set me

Free

Faith

Has lifted me

Here

Into the sky

Into this

Vessel

So that I can carry out

His

Plan

His

Desire

His

Will

His

Love

And my

Faith

In

Him

Have

Freed

Me from this

 Earth

And

Made

Righteous

My actions as a

Pilot

On Grace And Forgiveness

Grace_Saved_Faith_version_2_by_Valster73The concept of Grace used to come up quite often during my 15 years of formal Catholic education, but I’ve retained little of what I learned about it back then.  So I recently decided to re-enlighten myself on the subject by reading what the Catholic Church and one or two other Christian denominations had to say about it.  In all honesty, if I hadn’t already been an a-theist, I’d have become one based solely upon what I read.  Though there are subtle semantic differences to how, say, Lutherans and Catholics define “grace”, the basic premise, and one I find deeply insulting, is fundamentally the same.  Because of Adam and Eve’s original disgusting sin, little ‘ol me and you were born into this world with our immortal souls awash in filth, evil, debauchery, and contempt for God, our Master.  It is only by the “grace” of this same benevolent and all-loving Master that the rancid stench of insipid evil can be bleached from our souls and save us from an eternity of burning agony in Hell.

Our Master sending his beloved son, Jesus, to be brutally tortured and crucified on our behaves is the only “grace” needed to save us, according to some Christian doctrines.  Others claim we must more actively earn the Master’s “grace” through obtaining sacraments and verbally abusing gays, Jews, and Democrats.  Even others say we have the Master’s “grace” and are saved, or we don’t, and will burn. Period. We won’t know which, until we die and awake either burning in Hell or having amazing oral sex performed on us by the person or persons we most want performing oral sex on us in Heaven.

I find such beliefs to be immoral, repugnant, anti-human, and personally offensive.  I am not evil and I do not require a made up creature to give me “grace” for anything.  Such thinking, in my completely honest opinion, is at the core of man’s inhumanity toward man. This includes all forms of child abuse, rape, war, torture, and poverty. Human beings are not born stained.  It is doctrines like those describing “grace” that stain the collective human consciousness with a guilt it neither deserves, nor needs. We are all there is of us.  No god or grace from a god is needed to save anyone. We are important to ourselves because we are here.  And if tomorrow we are not here, there will be no one to notice, much less care. We truly are THAT unimportant to the universe.

Buddha Says No To Disney Buying Nirvana

The Buddha Is Keeping Nirvana

The Buddha Is Keeping Nirvana

Peaceville, Nirvana.  According to sources close to The Buddha, Disney today made an offer to buy Nirvana from him for an undisclosed amount, but The Buddha said, “No thanks.”

“Man, The Buddha is just not interested in money,” said Buddha spokesperson, Fr. Tom “Stiggy” Stigmata, who has lived in Nirvana for close to a thousand years now. “This guy is happy just sitting under a shady tree all day and listening to Beatles tunes. He loves it here. It’s his home. I know God just recently sold Heaven to Disney for like a trillion, billion dollars, and I’m not bashing him for it, but The Buddha worked too damn hard to just sell this place to Disney so they can turn it into an amusement park.”

The Buddha himself had no comment on the matter other than to politely decline the offer to be interviewed.

Creationist Scientist Discovers Animals From Noah’s Ark

Is This Where Noah Set Free The Animals On His Ark?

Is This Where Noah Set Free The Animals From His Ark?

Snorkelville, California.  Dr. Dinkel “Dickie” Smalls, a Creationist Scientist, claims to have discovered the animals that Noah released from his Ark in the Biblical story. “Amazing,” said Dr. Smalls, “but as I was walking through something called ‘The San Diego Zoo’ yesterday, I noticed all sorts of animals were in it. There were lions, and tigers, and bears. Oh, my! And there were elephants, too! What are the probabilities of all these unique animals being in this one place if Noah hadn’t released them there? Zero, I tell you. Zero. This is proof, once and for all, that the Bible is a literal telling of reality, and all those not believing in it are silly goose eggs who will one day fry in the hell created for them by our All-loving God. Amen.”

Apocalypse To Include Only Christians, Says God

God

God

God today released a rather unexpected message regarding the Apocalypse. “Dear humans, I have some bad news and some good news for you. I’ll start with the bad: the Apocalypse is coming, and soon. Now for the good news: it will only affect Christians. Yep. You heard me right. The Apocalypse will be here in just a few days but will only affect Christians. I’m gonna vaporize the little whining bitches and blast their atoms across the cosmos. The rest of you won’t be affected at all, except for the fact you will no longer have to listen to homophobic, end of days bullshit from Christians. I, myself, just can’t stand to hear it anymore. I don’t know how the rest of humanity deals with these self-aggrandizing idjits who point their fingers at others condemning them in my name for things I don’t give a shit about. Who are they to even remotely think they’ve a right to speak for me? Assholes! And another thing that just grinds my panties into a ball is that SO many of them completely refuse to use the brain they’ve been given. They continually deny scientific realities like evolution and geology by saying the universe is only 6000 years old and man and modern apes did not evolve over millions of years from a common ancestor. IDIOTS!

The Christians Are In BIG Trouble With God!

The Christians Are In BIG Trouble With God!

Therefor, since they talk of an Apocalypse so much, I’ve decided to give them one, but ONLY them. I’m vaporizing them into non-existence. They aren’t going to Hell. They aren’t going to Purgatory, and they aren’t going to Heaven. They’re getting blasted into the nothingness from whence all things came, including me. Yes, this is bad news for Christians, but, for the rest of you normal humans, I’ve a feeling you’ll be quite pleased by my decision. Now, if you’ll excuse me, Leonard Nimoy and I are having dinner to discuss my ideas for a new Star Trek film about Spock’s adventures in the afterlife. Goodbye.”