I Am Not Agnostic, I Am Non-Theistic, Or A-Theistic

To the next theist who tells me it is not possible for me, or any one else, to really be an a-theist, or that a-theism is a religion or a “Faith” based belief of some kind, I offer the following definitions:

1. the·ism
noun: theism
belief in the existence of a god or gods, esp. belief in one god as creator of the universe, intervening in it and sustaining a personal relation to his creatures

2. a·the·ism
noun: atheism

disbelief or lack of belief in the existence of God or gods.Atheism Defined

The definition of atheism starts and ends here for me. I do not care if others belong to atheistic churches, are new or old atheists, seek to convert the religious to become non-religious, or actively hate theists. The definition starts and ends for me with the one above. I find the defensive, battle-ready stance of some theists when I say I’m a non-theist to be offensive, ignorant, bigoted, and above all else, really fucking annoying. What’s even more annoying is when Christians try to tell me who it is I am.  I recently was told that I can’t REALLY be an a-theist because one can’t know ABSOLUTELY that Jesus doesn’t exist, so at best all I, or any non-believer, can truly be is agnostic.  After reflecting on this being said to me, I’ve come up with this response: Fuck You! Fuck you, you defensive Christian pussy. No, really. Fuck you!

Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, let me define who I am to the Christian idiots who think they know me better than I do myself.  Just because it is impossible to prove a thing does not exist, does not mean that it does, or that I think it does. I do not believe the following things exist because I see NO evidence that they do: Big Foot, UFO’s, Aliens who kidnap people, fondle them, then return them to their beds without leaving a single piece of evidence they were ever there, Ancient Aliens who built the pyramids, The Loch Ness Monster, Thor, Odin, Loki, Osiris, Isis, Jesus, Allah, Vampires, Ghosts, Spirits, etc, etc, etc.  Please note that I did not say it’s IMPOSSIBLE for these things to exist. I simply see no reason AT ALL to believe they do. Christians are atheists when it comes to Ra, Zeus, and Isis. They’re not agnostic when it comes to them. They simply do not believe they exist. I’m a non-theist when it comes to all gods, even Jesus. And if you’ve forgotten already what that word means, see the above definitions again and the Sam Harris quote below. Keep reading them over and over until they sink into the muddled mass of feces you call a brain, and STOP thinking you are so omnipotent as to know me. You don’t. You DO NOT define me. I do.Sam Harris On Definition Of Atheism Lastly, the same Christians who’ve been so quick to define me are perhaps the most defensive fuckers about their own omnipotent “Faith” as I’ve ever seen people be. I do not believe what you do. I do not care that you believe it. I know it is central to your life, but it isn’t to mine. I’ve no interest in attacking you or converting you, yet this does not seem to matter. It’s as if my disbelief in your god somehow threatens you and your god. This behavior makes you and your god pussies in my eyes, and places a neon sign over your head that reads: “Idiot Seeking Argument Out Of Fear Of Being Wrong. Stay Clear.” I am not interested in debating with Christians, converting them, hating them, or treating them in any other way than I treat anyone else or expect myself to be treated. But know this, judge me, think you’ve some divine right to define and label me, and you’ve gained an enemy, someone who hates not only you, but your mother for having you and your father for fucking your mother and impregnating her with you. If I had total confidence in the fact that an almighty being was REALLY my creator, and I was going to Heaven when I died, I’d not be such a defensive pussy when someone simply told me they did not share my beliefs. That is the sign of a weasel, a spineless weasel who must make others wrong so that he can feel right about himself and his”Faith.” I did not come to the realization I was an atheist with hate in my heart for Christians who behave in such a way. But it is there now. They’ve earned it. Every single last bit of it.

It Isn’t Atheism That Makes Me Eat Infants. It’s The Taste

Though Better Baked, A Live Infant Sandwich On Rye Is Also Quite Tasty

Though Better Baked, A Live Infant Sandwich Can Be Quite Tasty

I actually began cooking and savoring human infants long before I realized I don’t believe in gods any more than I believe keeping Texas in the Union is a reasonable idea.  “Ya ain’t had meat ’til ya had baby meat,” my Pops always told me. And we had plenty of it when I was growing up, too.  Being an atheist does, however, make the kidnapping, boiling alive, and savoring of the meat a lot easier.  There isn’t a hint of guilt in me about it.  The minute I realized there was no god, I raped as many children and old people as I could find, and started eating infants like they were milk from my mother’s teat.  What FREEDOM!!!!   Anyway, if any of my fellow morally depraved, godless readers would like some of my Nobel Prize winning recipes for cooked infant or my outstanding infant tare-tare recipe, let me know. Gotta go eat now. I’m STARVING!

Black Ice Says Racism Has Destroyed Its Life

Racism Made Black Ice A Whore

Racism Ruined Black Ice’s Life

Black Ice appeared on the PBS show, FRONTLINE, last night and said stress from racial discrimination has forced it into a life of prostitution and methamphetamine addiction. “This fuckin’ blows, man!” Black Ice confessed. “I mean all anyone EVER says about me is, ‘Watch out for Black Ice! That shit is dirty, sneaky, and slippery as fuck. You’ll break your neck should you walk on it.’  Always blamin’ the black dude, man. Like, what, White Ice ain’t fuckin’ slippery? No one ever broke their neck on it? So I melted and refroze. How does this make me an enemy of the people? WHAT exactly is BETTER about White Ice? Does it somehow magically hold people more safely to the ground when they walk on it? Does it provide warmth and food to the homeless? NO! All White Ice has going for it, that I don’t, is that it’s WHITE! Big hairy, fuckin’ deal! This is racism at its worse, man!

White Ice, Is It Really Better?

White Ice, Is It Really Better?

Martin Luther King died fighting to end this kinda bullshit! He had a fuckin’ dream, that one day, White AND Black Ice would live together as equals, and be EQUALLY blamed for neck-breaking slips and falls. But that ain’t what’s happened, man! Black guy STILL gets blamed for everything. Shit, I’m surprised I’m not blamed for causing sunburns, too. It’s time people know that I’m not without feelings, and I’ve been hurt terribly by this horrible injustice. I’ve become hopelessly addicted to methamphetamine because of it, and I’m forced to whore myself to pay for the drug, a life I’d not wish on my worse enemy. I’m coming out about this now hoping that people, if they do nothing else, will at least open their eyes the next time they’re walking on White Ice, and realize that it is as fuckin’ slippery and dangerous as any brother they’ve ever slipped and fallen on!”

Virgin Mary Strongly Supports Birth Control

Virgin Mary Says, Use Birth Control For Christ's Sake

Virgin Mary Says, Use Birth Control For Christ’s Sake

“If you are going to make the beast with two backs and do not want a baby or an STD, then use a damn condom!” The Virgin Mary said today at the President’s Advisory Committee For The Eradication Of Archaic Thought meeting. “Condoms save lives. Thinking like a 4000 year old Biblical figure doesn’t. And not every woman is lucky enough to have a husband like my Joseph, who’s a sweet bloke, but just about as naive and thick as they come. So if you’re gettin’ a little somethin’, somethin’ on the side, and don’t think your fella will buy the, ‘I was raped by God and it’s His baby,’ story, use a damn condom!”

Slippery Slope: Best Argument Yet For Allowing Gay Marriage

Gay marriage opponents often point out that legalizing gay marriage would create a slippery slope which more acts of depravity would soon slide down. “Why not just allow people to marry and fuck animals then?” they argue. “If two men can marry, why then not 4 women, 4 men, a donkey, 3 black mambas and a fruit bat as well?” To these opponents of gay marriage I say, “Hell yes, bitches! Hell fuckin’ YES!!! Bring on the animal sex! So what?! Make gay marriage the law now!” What red-blooded American man out there hasn’t looked at the ass of a sheep and thought, “Man, I bet sticking my man-sausage into that piece of heaven would be divine?”

Whadda Ya Waitin' Fer Big Fella, Hop On Fer A Ride!

Whadda Ya Waitin’ Fer Big Fella, Hop On Fer A Ride!

And I’m bettin’ a lot of you animal fuckers out there would swoon at the chance to legally wed the sheep or zebra you swap body fluids with every night. Finally, you’d be able to share medical and dental insurance with the animal you most love.  So let the gays marry, and let the depravity slide on down. Meow!

An Interview With The Earth

I'm A Planet, Damn It!

I’m A Planet, Damn It!

I bumped into the Earth coming out of a McDonald’s restroom the other day and asked it if it would let me interview it for my site while we ate. Well, lucky for you, it agreed. So without further ado, TACP presents the first ever interview with the Earth.

ACP: “Well, I must say, Earth, I’m very grateful you decided to talk to me today. I’m honored. Oh, BTW, if you’re not going to eat all of your fries, can I have them? McDonald’s has the best fries.”

Earth: “Sure. Go ahead. I’m watching my figure anyway. Now, what would you like to know about me?”

ACP: “First off, I’m wondering what your thoughts are on global warming. Are humans responsible for it, and how does it make you feel?”

Earth: “I don’t care about it.”

ACP: “What? You don’t care about it? But if the globe is warming, aren’t YOU warming? Doesn’t it make you sick if the climate gets too warm?”

Earth: “No.”

ACP: “No. That’s all you have to say? I mean conservatives and liberals are battling like flies over the last piece of shit on the planet over this issue and you don’t care about it at all? It doesn’t affect you at all?”

Earth: “No. It doesn’t affect me at all. I’m a planet, like Jupiter and Venus are planets. Nothing you fuck heads do will change that or hurt my self-esteem. I’m a fucking planet. I was a planet long before you idiots ever existed and I’ll be one long after you’re gone. I do not need liquid water to exist. Nor do I need a liquid iron core, a magnetic field, ozone, oxygen, plants, animals, or stupid-ass fucking humans. I do NOT need ANY of that shit to exist as who and what I am: a planet. You shit-heads may need some of those things, but not me. So to answer your question, no, I do not give a tiny squirt of elephant piss about global warming, global cooling, or global anything. I’m a fucking PLANET, asshole! Why would you think I’d give a fuck about what humans need anyway? Why? If there’s something I have that you need, then you need to make sure you have it. I fucking do not care about you, your offspring, or your species. No one cares about you, you narcissistic fucks. So if you’re not going to take care of yourselves and what you need to survive, you’ll all die. And nothing else in the whole of existence will care, especially not a fucking bad-ass planet like me. Get it? Now if you’ll excuse me, Mars and I have a date. Adios amigo!”

ACP: “Well, goodbye, Earth. Thanks for sharing. I’m sure my readers will be thrilled you did.”

The End

I’m A White Guy Who’s Fucking Really Tired Of White Guys And Their Bullshit

I actually had another white guy tell me today that financially stable conservative (of which I am neither, BTW) white guys are the biggest minority group in America and the most maliciously maligned. My response was to say I really could give a mother fuckin’ squirt of Bantha fodder about that, even if it is true. What fucking arrogance and conceit! Now I’m ANGRY!!! And when I get angry, “HULK SMASH!!”

White Guy Who's Had Enough Of White Guys And Their Whiny Ass Bullshit

White Guy Who’s Had Enough Of White Guys And Their Whiny Ass Bullshit

Let me make something very clear about my feelings on this topic: If you are a white guy who has or will receive property, a trust fund, a college education paid for by the folks, or any other mother fucking such gift that you did NOTHING to earn yourself, and expect me or anyone else to listen to your tales of woe, FUCK YOU!! And just In case you don’t get my drift, I’ll write that again, FUCK YOU. If you can’t at least appreciate that who we are born to is totally a random event, and that you got a good roll of Fortune’s dice, then you can suck my hand-to-mouth livin’ white ass. Most maligned minority group in America. Man, I am really fuckin’ pissed at white guys!!!
Artist's Rendering Of Me Being Angry At White Conservatives