Tucker Carlson Has Butt Plug Permanently Stitched Into Anal Cavity

Tongue Up Trump’s Ass City, New York.   Tucker Carlson of Fox News fame today stated that the reason his face is always in an expression of severe pain is because he’s had a butt plug in the shape of Donald Trump’s mushroom penis permanently shewn into his anal cavity.

“The reason my face always looks as if I’m in severe pain,” Tucker said earlier today, “is because I AM always in severe pain.  It hasn’t always been like this, but, in order to show my deep, deep love of President Trump, I’ve recently had an orange, mushroom-shaped butt plug permanently shewn into my rectal cavity which causes me continual pain when sitting and when going number two.  However, the pain is worth it because, in this way, I feel as if a piece of the President, namely, his orange, mushroom-shaped penis, is always deep inside my body and with me no matter where it is I travel.  I honestly believe that if more Americans did this, America would be a much more homogeneous and peaceful place in which to live.   I vow to never have this plug removed from my body until EVERY liberal in America is crushed beneath the all-powerful mushroom-penis of the greatest man who’s ever lived, President Donald J. Trump.  Go Trump!!!  And remember to vote red in November in order to MAGA!  MAGA! MAGA!”

Animal Talk

“Say that again, pal, and I will KICK YOUR ASS!!! I’m serious, buddy! I’ve studied Kung Fu in China for years, and I am one BAD and DANGEROUS puppy! Hiiiiii…..YAAAAA!!!!”

 

“If you give me my toothbrush back right this minute, I’ll forget you ever took it. So, just put the god damned thing in my hand, walk away, and it’ll all be forgotten. OK?”

 

“I…um…I’m…..um…I’m looking for a nice shirt ‘n tie, but….well… but…see….I kinda have a….well….a neck issue in that…well… I don’t truly have much of a neck. So…um…if anyone out there has a nice men’s shirt with a child’s neck size, kin I have it?  Please?”

 

“And I thought working for FedEx was humiliating.”

 

“Look deeply into my eyes. Deeper. Deeper. Now, relax and reach for your wallet. Take out all of your money and credit cards and place them in front of me; then turn around and go home and go to sleep. Tomorrow you will NOT remember meeting a talking monkey in the park who hypnotized you into giving him your money. Good bye.”

 

“Could you please repeat that? I didn’t hear you right. Did you make some sort of a wise-ass remark about my ears? I find it truly rude when people make fun of my ears. So don’t. OK.”

 

 

Thank Effin’ Jeebus For All The Mothers Out There!

“Happy Mother’s Day, Mom! Thanks SO much for squeezin’ me outta ya! I luvz ya!”

Thanks be to all the magical and non-magical beings out there in the universe for mothers!  Without ’em, the human race would have vanished tens of thousands of years ago because, as a man, I can tell you, there’s not a snowball’s chance in hell men would EVER even consider squeezing football-sized babies outta their privy bits in order to keep the race going!   So, thanks, mothers.  The human race is highly appreciative of ya!  Have a great Mother’s Day, y’all!

More Photos Of Famous People From The Bible And Other Places

Here are some more pics I came by recently of famous and well-known people that I thought my readers might want to see.  Enjoy.

 

1.)

Bernie Sanders, As A Young Man, circa 1867, About To Address A Group Of Young Progressives Fighting For The Right To Bring Their Emotional Support Horses Into Stores With Them When They Shop.

2.)

Moses, On A Trip To Chicago, circa 1989, Attempting To Part Lake Michigan In Order To Show Some Sexy Girls That He Is, Indeed, THE Moses From The Bible.

3.)

The Holy Trinity.  From Left To Right: Yahweh, Jesus, and The Holy Spirit on Spring Break in Washington State, circa 267 AD.

4.)

Mitch McConnell’s Great Uncle, Sid ‘Viscous’ McConnell, circa 1923, Getting Ready To Shoot At Some Black Kids On His Lawn That He Claims Are ‘Liberal Monsters’ Coming To Take Away His Right To Practice Christianity In America!  “You Monster Liberals Better Git!  Or I’m Gonna Pump Yer Asses Fulla Some God-given’ Buck-Shot!  Now, GIT!!”

5.)

Noah, After Stepping Off The Ark For The First Time In Months, Way Back In Old Testament Times. “You Animals Can Go F**k Yourselves! Next Time You Need Your Asses Saved From A Flood, Take Another Ship!  You All Are Some Noisy, Stinky, Loud Mother F**kers! I Ain’t Slept In Months! Now Git Da F**k Off My Ark And Let Me Be!!!”

6.)

Old Republican Man, After Giving Himself Covid19, Saying, “I’ve given myself this virus to demonstrate to other old Republicans how easy it is to ‘take one on the chin’ for the Stock Market and the future of America. “Don’t die fer nuttin’, ya sum’bitches!  Die fer the Stock Market and young Republicans everywhere like the President wants ya too!”

7.)

Yoda, On His First Visit To Earth, circa 1981, Addressing The UN: “Good, Your Food Is Here.  Back To My Galaxy, McDonald’s Burgers, I Will Bring!  Tasty, They Are!”

8.)

Donald Trump and Mike Pence saying, recently, “Nothin’ to worry about with Covid19, folks! Nope! It’s all blown out of proportion, and just a Democratic/liberal hoax! It’ll all be over by Easter! We swear it! (Cough! Cough! Cough!)”

9.)

St. Peter, circa 2004, On A Trip To New York, New York Saying, “These Buildings Are SOOO Tall! They Sure Didn’t Build ‘Em Like This Back In My Day!  Do You All Store Grain In Them Like The Egyptians Did With The Pyramids?”

Photos Of Famous People From The Bible And Other Places

Here are some pics I came by recently of famous and well-known people that I thought my readers might want to see.  Enjoy.

1.)

Bernie Sanders, As A Young Man, circa 1867, About To Address A Group Of Young Progressives Fighting For The Right To Bring Their Emotional Support Horses Into Stores With Them When They Shop.

2.)

Yoda, On His First Visit To Earth, circa 1981, Addressing The UN: “Good, Your Food Is Here.  Back To My Galaxy, McDonald’s Burgers, I Will Bring!  Tasty, They Are!”

3.)

Moses, On A Trip To Chicago, circa 1989, Attempting To Part Lake Michigan In Order To Show Some Sexy Girls That He Is, Indeed, THE Moses From The Bible.

4.)

The Holy Trinity.  From Left To Right: Yahweh, Jesus, and The Holy Spirit on Spring Break in Washington State, circa 267 AD.

5.)

Old Republican Man, After Giving Himself Covid19, Saying, “I’ve given myself this virus to demonstrate to other old Republicans how easy it is to ‘take one on the chin’ for the Stock Market and the future of America. “Don’t die fer nuttin’, ya sum’bitches!  Die fer the Stock Market and young Republicans everywhere like the President wants ya too!”

6.)

Donald Trump and Mike Pence saying, recently, “Nothin’ to worry about with Covid19, folks! Nope! It’s all blown out of proportion, and just a Democratic/liberal hoax! It’ll all be over by Easter! We swear it! (Cough! Cough! Cough!)”

7.)

St. Peter, circa 2004, On A Trip To New York, New York Saying, “These Buildings Are SOOO Tall! They Sure Didn’t Build ‘Em Like This Back In My Day!  Do You All Store Grain In Them Like The Egyptians Did With The Pyramids?”

8.)

Noah, After Stepping Off The Ark For The First Time In Months, Way Back In Old Testament Times. “You Animals Can Go F**k Yourselves! Next Time You Need Your Asses Saved From A Flood, Take Another Ship!  You All Are Some Noisy, Stinky, Loud Mother F**kers! I Ain’t Slept In Months! Now Git Da F**k Off My Ark And Let Me Be!!!”

9.)

Mitch McConnell’s Great Uncle, Sid ‘Viscous’ McConnell, circa 1923, Getting Ready To Shoot At Some Black Kids On His Lawn That He Claims Are ‘Liberal Monsters’ Coming To Take Away His Right To Practice Christianity In America!  “You Monster Liberals Better Git!  Or I’m Gonna Pump Yer Asses Fulla Some God-given’ Buck-Shot!  Now, GIT!!”

The Arm Chair Pontificator

Check out these vintage pics of people from the Bible that Moses dropped off at my office this morning.  He says he found them in an old sock drawer yesterday and wanted to share them. Give ’em a look; I think you’ll like ’em.

Virgin Mary's Facebook Picture, circa 1929 Virgin Mary’s Facebook Picture, circa 1929

Baby Lucifer Down Wind Of Baby Jesus Baby Lucifer, Up Wind Of Baby Jesus

Joseph, Baby Jesus, And Mary In New York, circa 1927 Joseph, Baby Jesus, And Mary In New York, circa 1927

Mary Madelene: "Like What You See, Jesus?" Mary Magdalene: “Like What You See, Jesus?”

God's First Wife, Rosalind, Teaching Baby Angel Gabriel How To Blow His Horn God’s First Wife, Rosalind, Teaching A Baby Angel Gabriel How To Blow His Horn

Baby Moses In His Basket Seconds After Being Found. Baby Moses, In His Basket, Seconds After Being Found in The Nile.

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