11.12.18
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Farewell Stan Lee, And Thanks

Stan Lee, the co-creator of such fantastic Marvel Comics superheroes as Spider-Man, The Fantastic Four, and The Avengers passed away today at age 95.  He was involved with Marvel Comics, originally called Timely Comics, for decades as a writer, editor and publisher.  His comics brought great joy to me in what was otherwise a very tumultuous childhood.  They helped keep me sane by giving me a fantasy world to hide in when the real world became too much to bear.

I’ve collected and loved comic books for most of my 5 decades on Earth, and Stan Lee’s characters and style of writing them is the reason why.  There would be no multi-billion dollar Marvel movies today if not for Stan Lee.  His reinvention of the super hero genre in 1961, with the release of The Fantastic Four, injected a sense of realism into comics by placing the characters in the “real” world and giving them real world problems.  Spider-Man worried about how to pay his rent and how to date girls and be a web-slinging super hero at the same time.  The Fantastic Four fought and bickered with each other just like real families do.  He made his characters relatable to me and millions of other readers across the world.  He made comic books mainstream.  And he made them fun.

I’ve met many comic book creators and writers during the years when I attended comic book conventions on a regular basis but never got to meet Stan.  Even so, he’s been a part of my life for so long, I feel as if I know him, and today I feel that a dear personal friend has died.  Thanks, Stan for bringing so much joy into my life, in many ways you helped save it.   Rest well.  You will be missed.  Excelsior!

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11.06.18
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Foods Without Gods: A Deity Free Grocery Store

The first ever atheist grocery store. Another oldie but not-read-too-muchy post from days gone by.

The Arm Chair Pontificator

The Arm Chair Pontificator is very proud to welcome our first ever commercial sponsor, “Foods Without Gods,” the first ever atheist grocery store, where every item sold has been prepared free of any and all deities, 100% guaranteed!  Store Vice President, Hank Me’dickoff had this to say earlier today. “We at ‘Foods Without Gods,’ felt it was time we addressed the burning question EVERY a-theist has asked since before Moses parted The Red Sea: ‘Why in fuck’s name do I have no choice but to shop for groceries at stores where theists also shop and contaminate the food by touching it with their dirty, theistic hands?’ Well, my friends in non-belief, thanks to us here at ‘Foods Without Gods,’ no a-theist will ever have to ask that question again.

Anger A-theist Points Out A Theist Touching Produce In The Grocery Store Atheist Tired Of Theists  Touching His Produce

The concept behind ‘Foods Without Gods’ is to provide, for a-theists, a grocery store…

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11.05.18
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King Herod To Host 2018 Annual Heaven/Hell Christmas Party

A Holiday post from days gone by which very few ever got to read.

The Arm Chair Pontificator

King Herod will be hosting the annual Heaven/Hell Christmas party at his home in Topeka, Kansas next month. “To be honest, I’m surprised Jesus asked me to do this after last year’s fiasco,” Herod said.  “To make a long story short, after 4 Vodka martini’s each, Mao Tse Tung and I thought it would be hysterical to put John the Baptist’s severed head in Jesus’ bed with a note saying, ‘We made you an offer you couldn’t refuse’  like in the ‘Godfather’, you know.  Well, what we didn’t know was that Jesus, who’s got a great sense of humor, and Yahweh, who doesn’t have ANY, had switched rooms for the night.

God Gives Head He Found In Bed To Hotel Maid Yahweh Handing Human Head He Found In His Bed To Hotel Maid For Disposal

Needless to say, there was a lot of yelling and screaming that went on when Yahweh crawled into bed that night.  Most everyone there blamed…

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10.28.18
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Robert The Reviewer: The Critical Scotsman

I created this character a few years ago and have decided to re-visit him by re-posting this piece. I like everything Scottish for some reason.

The Arm Chair Pontificator

TACP is proud to welcome Robert the Reviewer to our team of ace reporters. He is joining us from Edinburgh, Scotland where he’s worked as a media critic for several years. He was recently let go from his position as Ace Media Critic at the Edinburgh Times after it was discovered he’d actually never seen any of the movies he reviewed or read any of the books he critiqued. He simply parroted what he heard others say about whatever it was he was reviewing or flat-out made up a review based on something entirely unrelated. Well, we here at TACP admire he’s gusto and his brogue, so we hired him to review movies and books for our readers and have encouraged him NOT to see or read them before hand. In a society filled with people who rarely bother with details, like checking the facts before expounding on a topic…

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10.11.18
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I Worked Security On Noah’s Ark, Says Hamster

Crazy City, Montana.  A cute little teddy bear hamster named Ezekiel stopped by the Pontificator office yesterday and told me that not only was he a passenger on Noah’s Ark, he was its chief of security. I asked him if he’d do an interview for the site, and he said, “Wadda tink I stopped by ‘fer, pal?” Below is a transcript of the first ever interview with a 4000 year old talking hamster.

Meet Ezekiel: Security Chief, Noah's Ark

Meet Ezekiel: Security Chief, Noah’s Ark

Ezekiel: Okee dokee, pal.  Before you even ask a question, I’ll answer a few dat I’m sure are on yer mind. Yes, I am a hamster, and I’m 4000 years old. Da only way I kin explain my longevity to ya is dis: I age the way folks in da Old Testament did, really friggin’ slow. How? I don’t know, but I ain’t complainin’ ’cause I love livin’. And yes, I kin talk, if ya ain’t noticed. Odd ya say? Not fer Old Testament times. All da animals talked back then. Not often, mind ya. Weren’t no need, usually. But you kin bet yer booty we talked when we was stuck on dat Ark fer all those months. Hell, we even put on a couple shows ‘n sung a few tunes. Woulda been a boring ass trip otherwise. OK, now dat dat’s outta da way, go ‘head ‘n ask yer questions.

ACP: Sure, but first, would you mind if I picked you up so I could hear you better and we can see eye to eye? I feel uncomfortable leering down at you like this.

Ezekiel: No problem at all, Bud. On da Ark, Captain Noah always held me up to his face when I gave ’em my daily security report, so I’m used to it. Man, I really miss dat ‘ole son of a sea cook.

ACP: (After picking up Ezekiel) I guess I’ll start with Noah then, now that you’ve mentioned him. What was he like?

Noah, Ironically, Looked Like Russell Crowe

Noah, Ironically, Really Did Look Like Russell Crowe

Ezekiel: Oh, he was a great guy, and get dis fer irony, he ‘n Russel Crowe coulda been twins, they look so much alike, had they not been born four millennia apart, dat is. Only complaint I ever heard ’bout ’em was dat his singin’ wasn’t all dat great in da musicals we did on da Ark. Dat’s pretty friggin’ ironic, too, when ya think about it, eh?

ACP: It is. And the other irony here is your timing. Russell Crowe’s movie, “Noah”, opens on Friday, and here you are giving an interview about what it was like on the real Ark two days before it opens. This isn’t some kind of cheap attempt at publicity is it?

Ezekiel: (After picking up his rifle and pointing it at my nose) Listen, Bud, I don’t take kindly ta folks questioning my integrity. You do dat again, an’ I’ll shot ya right in yer kisser! Ya catch my meanin’, Bud?

ACP: I do, and I’m sorry. Just is ironic timing is all. Anyway, I can see why Noah picked you to be head of security. For such a little guy, you’ve got a heck of a pair on you. Who or which animal or animals gave you the most trouble on the Ark? And, did any brew ha ha’s ever break out between the herbivores and the carnivores. I always pondered that question.

Ezekiel: (After placing his weapon back down.) Ta tell ya da truth, Bud, the biggest pains in my arse were da damn ducks. Talk about yer friggin’ prima donna’s. Nottin’ we did fer ’em was ever good enough. Quack, bloody quack, dis, and quack bloody quack, dat! Every friggin’ two minutes. ‘Our toilet runs. Fix it! Our food is the wrong brand of duck feed. Fix it! Our feathers are rumpled. Get a professional feather stylist an’ fix ’em!’

Ducks Were Prima Donna's On Noah's Ark

Ducks Were Prima Donna’s On Noah’s Ark

Moses, but they were a pain! I mean, no one else complained about things. Not da lions or da tigers or da bears, oh my! Everyone realized, dat with out dat ark, we was screwed. And bad. Even ducks kin only float ‘n drift fer so long ‘fore they gotta go onta land fer stuff. They really needed ta chill. But,’cept fer them, things were OK ‘tween everyone, and da carnivores were cool about not eatin’ the herbivores. They realized they needed ’em ta restock their food supply once da Ark came upon land again. Oh, and ‘fore I forget, there was no olive branch brought by a dove that informed us there was land. It was a huge-ass black sea snake named Henry who told us. He got the job of lookin’ ahead fer land after the dove who was doing it got fired for coming back drunk every time he went out. Rumor is he found an abandoned raft drifting about that had several barrels of grain alcohol on it. You know you have a drinking problem when you put your booze on a raft during a world ending rain storm before yourself. Oh, it’s later than I thought. I gotta run. Got a date with a sexy gerbil I meet yesterday.

ACP: Thanks for coming by, Ezekiel. Glad to have met you. Please don’t be a stranger, and stop by again. I’ve more questions I’d like to ask you.

Ezekiel:   I will, Bud. Take care, and thanks fer listenin’. Tootles!

10.03.18
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Other Things Jesus Said

Most people are familiar with many of the sayings attributed to Jesus found in the bible.  However, there are many other sayings of Jesus in the bible that very few people, probably only me, know about.  Here are but a few.

1.)  “And Christ said unto the woman at the cleaners, ‘Look, Ms. Hecklenjoker, I told you last time, you’re using too much starch in my shirts.   They’re giving me a rash when I wear them.  Please take these back and redo them.  I’ve got a wedding to go to on Sunday (God, I hope they’ve got enough wine for it.  I LOVE wine) so I’d appreciate it if you did this by tomorrow.   OK?'”  Matthew 8: 14-17

2.)  “Then Christ said to Peter, “Peter, this is most likely the LAST supper we will ever have together.  Are you certain you don’t want to share that last piece of pie with me?'”  Mark 9: 23-24

3.)  “While he was in Heaven awaiting his return to life after being crucified, Jesus said to the young woman seated next to him in the movie theater, ‘So, your name’s Mary, eh?  I like that name.  I also find you to be very beautiful.  I know a great little Mexican place located about 6 blocks west of the Pearly Gates.   I have some people to WOW back on Earth with my resurrection in a day or so, but when I get back, how’s about you and I go have a burrito and a few margaritas there together?  Gimme your cell, and I’ll text you when I’m back.'”  John 3: 21-24

4.)  “While walking around Galilee with his apostles, Christ suddenly grabbed his foot in pain and shouted, ‘Son of a f%ckin’ donkey!  A god d%mned stone got into my sandal and cut my foot!  These Roman made sandals are for sh%t!  I’m taking these back and from now on, I’m only buying sandals made by Jewish shoe cobblers.  The quality is, by far, superior to this Roman sh%t!'”  Luke 2: 45-47

5.)   “After raising Lazarus from the dead, Christ said unto him, ‘HOLY F%CKIN’ SH%T!  I really didn’t think this was actually going to work!  WTF do I do now?!  Lazarus, my friend, (Damn, bro, you stink) I’m sorry, but you’re on your own.  I mean, ya’ got, like, body parts startin’ to fall off, and ya’ got maggots crawlin’ all over you!  I don’t know, take a shower or somethin’ an go see a doctor.  Maybe he can sew you together.  See ya’ around, pal.  I gotta run, very fast and very far.'”  Mark 5: 38-40

 

 

 

 

09.27.18
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5 Spiffy Arguments That You Can Use To Blow People’s Minds

Wanna bend people’s minds and blow ’em through the stratosphere like a true, blue young earth creationist?  Just use one or two of these well-argued arguments and you’ll be the envy of everyone who knows you.

1.)  If someone tells you the earth is older than 6000 years and wasn’t created by God, ask them this:   “Well, how do you know?  Where you there 6000 years ago when God created it?”  Ha!  that one’s a mic dropper, ain’t it.

2.)  Tell someone Julius Caesar never lived and is a fictional character.  If they disagree with you, say this:  “How would you know?  Were you there when he lived?”  Awesome, right!  You should see the looks I get from people when I drop this logic bomb on them!

3.)  Tell people you are being abducted by grey-skinned aliens every night, having coffee with them, and, sometimes, having sex with them.   If they question this assertion, tell them this: “Look, since you’re not there when this happens to me, and these aliens, for some reason, won’t appear to anyone BUT me, you can’t say it isn’t happening.   Until you can prove to me that it isn’t happening, it is.”  BAM!!!   YUGE win for the home team!

3.)  If someone tells you that climate change is real and 99% of earth’s scientists believe this, drop this winner on them: “Oh, really?  Since it can’t be ABSOLUTELY proven, with 100% certainty, that this is true, it isn’t, so you lose, you fuckin’ libtard!”   This one is SUCH a wonderful argument, I’m often punched in face right after I tell it to someone.  Libtards are SO sensitive when they’re proven wrong, aren’t they.

4.)  Here’s a great statement to say to people at kids’ birthday parties:  “All women who claim they’ve been sexually assaulted, and don’t have video and/or DNA evidence to prove it, are liars.”   If people attempt to question this or act offended that you said it, tell ’em this:  “Look, sissy, were you there when every woman who says she was sexually assaulted was?  If you weren’t then shut up with your stupid questions and go home!”  Man, this one is SO solid, I often pee a little after I say it!

5.)  Finally, here’s a great argument to prove whatever it is you believe to be true is.  “Since we don’t know everything about everything, then we must believe anything MIGHT be true.  Thus, what I’m saying is true no matter how much you don’t believe it or how extremely unlikely you say it is!”   This argument has ended more conversations for me than I can number.  Use it, and you’ll see why.

Peace out, and remember, since all opinions are equal, yours are some of the most brilliant that have ever been held in mankind’s history.