04.17.18
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Stormy Daniels Releases Sketch Of Man Who Threatened Her

Naked City, North Carolina.   X-rated film star, Stormy Daniels released a police sketch today of a man she claims threatened her to keep quiet about an affair she had several years ago with Donald Trump.  “It was terrifying,” Ms. Daniels said earlier.  “The man walked up to my car, as I and my infant child were getting in it, and released a blood-curdling yell while gazing up at the moon.  He must have been well over seven feet tall, and his body was covered with thick, matted hair.  He looked down at me and leaned in very close to my face.  His breath was rancid, and a foul, putrid smell radiated from him.

Police Sketch Of Man Stormy Daniels Says Threatened Her To Keep Quiet About Donald Trump

‘You keep mouth shut ’bout sex with Mr. Trump,’ he told me.  ‘If you no stay quiet, me come back, and me do awful, awful things to you and your baby!  Me serious!  OK?’  I told him, ‘OK’, and he ran off at a speed which must have been close to 30 miles an hour.  Let me tell you, that is NOT the kind of thing one forgets.   So I’m very confident that the sketch we released today is about as close to 100% accurate as you can get.  If anyone sees or knows who this man is, I ask you to please call my lawyer and tell him.  If it pans out that you are correct, and it is indeed the man we’re looking for, you will be given 100 thousand dollars.”

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04.12.18
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Identity Politics And The White Christian

WAAAAAA!!! WAAAAA!!!! We white Christian people are discriminated against! WAAAAAA!!! We don’t like it!!!! WAAAAAA!!! Gays can hold hands in public and get married!!! WAAAAA!!!! Mexicans live next door to us!!! WAAAAAA!!!! We don’t like it!!!! What about OUR rights? WAAAAA!!!

The loudest, most annoying example of “identity politics” in today’s America, to me, is perpetrated by white Christians screaming about their “rights”. “Oh, we are SO mistreated! We have to live a world where gays can openly get married and, now get this, HOLD HANDS IN PUBLIC RIGHT IN FRONT OF OUR WHITE KIDS!  What kind of world is this?  Christ, Mexicans are coming across the border in caravans and raping us and eating our babies by the MILLIONS!  What kind of world is this?!  We are abused, mistreated, maligned, and SO disadvantaged politically that, hell, for EIGHT YEARS, we had to endure, AND LOOK AT, a BLACK President!!!!  What kind of world is this?!  NEVER in the history of life on Earth has any group of people been more stepped on than white Christians are in today’s America.  WE deserve this country to be run the way WE want it to be.

America was founded by, and for, white Christians on, or about, 1950 by Jesus Christ, a FINE example of a white man if EVER there was one, I must say, and six, non-Jewish, white guys, over sixty years of age, who were rich as f**k.  There were NO people living in America until white people came here, killed off the dinosaurs that roamed the land, and built tax exempt Christian churches every 2 blocks all across the country.  Since all of this is undeniably true, why, oh, why do we poor, maligned Christian whites have to listen to, look at, and tolerate ANYONE who is not just like us?!  WHY????  We may seem, on the surface, like little whining, spineless snowflakes when we cry, bitch, and moan about how deeply our tender feelings are hurt because gays exist and Mexicans live across the street from us, but Jesus demands we do these things in his name.  It’s the way he wants things to be.  He’s right there with us, edging us on to fight for our right to be white, right, and Christian, helping us make our politics and our points of view the ONLY ones that should be heard and tolerated in America.

Oh, how we SUFFER!  Oh, how we hurt!  Oh, when, oh, when will we EVER get OUR chance to rule and lead in this country the way that hand-holding gays and Mexicans have for centuries?!  Until such a time comes, we will continue to whine, cry, bitch, moan, and be the biggest snowflakes we can be in order to defend our identity as whining, snowflake, white Christians who, like toddlers demanding every meal be made of candy, want everything around us to go our way and ONLY our way simply because that’s how WE want it to be.  May the blue-eyed whiteness of the all-tolerant, all-loving, Jesus Christ bless us all and help us make America become all white, all Christian and as free of gays and Mexicans as is humanly possible.  Amen.”

*My thanks to Scottie for inspiring this post.

04.01.18
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Happy Easter From Ms. April Fools

Ms. April Fools says, “Oh, shit! I just realized, after 27 years of religious indoctrination, that people don’t come back from the dead, and there’s a decent probability this ‘Jesus’ character never even lived at all!  Welp, at least now I can get on with my life one day at a time and try to do the best the I can for the here and now and the future without having to worry about burning forever in Hell cause I ain’t kissin’ God’s arse in the right way!  And if THAT ain’t a reason to say, ‘Happy Easter’, I don’t know what is!

03.19.18
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I Knew I’d Hate It, But I Did It Anyway

“Man, I REALLY hated all 6 of those Lord of the Rings and Hobbit films.”  “Christ, all NINE of those Star Wars movies are awful.”  “By Odin’s beard!  I truly hated all 20 of those Marvel  super hero movies I’ve paid to see!”   “I HATE Shakespeare, but I went to see Romeo and Juliet anyway, and I hated it.”  I can not tell you the number of times I’ve heard people make comments like this.  Sometimes, they make them directly to me knowing I get great enjoyment from Shakespeare, Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, and Marvel  movies.   I’m literally stunned by the utter idiocy of such people.  All film is subjective.  People like some types of movies,  and others they don’t like.   If someone doesn’t like, say, Lord of the Rings movies, I get it.  That’s fine.  I do like them, but, for those who don’t, sitting through one of them must be sheer torture.   I’m like that with the opera.  Can’t stand it.   So, I don’t go.   But when I hear things like, “I really hated ALL of those Lord of the Rings and Hobbit movies.  They ALL sucked, and people who like them are not as film savvy as I am, ” I think, really?  So, you went to see one of these 3 hour long films, hated it; then spent your money FIVE more times on FIVE more movies that you ALREADY knew you’d hate before you saw them, and you expect me, or anyone else, to take anything you say seriously?   If you are a person like this, you are an absolute fucking idiot.   I mean a complete, unadulterated, fucking idiot. I simply am baffled by people like this.  At this point in time there are more movies of EVERY kind being made all across the world–more independent films; more dramas, and more foreign, esoteric, films that make no fucking sense to me but many people do like.   And, in a city like Chicago, where I live, there are numerous theaters showing all of these kinds of movies all the time.  For those not living near such a theater, there are numerous streaming services that show an unlimited variety of EVERY type of movie any time you want to watch one.   So, if you are one of these fucking idiots who continue to repeatedly spend your hard-earned money on movies you know before hand you’ll hate, don’t.  Either see one you think you might like, or send your money to me since you seem to have an unlimited amount of it to waste on things you hate.

BTW, as a final thought on this purely idiotic behavior, if you hate jalapenos on your pizza but constantly order pizza with jalapenos then shout out, “That pizza sucked!  The jalapenos ruined it,” the problem isn’t the pizza–it’s you.  You’re a total, complete, fucking idiot.  You’re not smarter than those who like jalapenos on their pizza, nor are you eloquent in the way you express your dislike of them.  You’re simply a fucking idiot.  So, please, for my sake and the sake of others throughout the universe who are not you, if you know already you don’t like a certain type movie or food, don’t spend your money on it.  Spend it on something you like, or, at least, if you simply MUST spend it on something you already know you don’t like, spend some cash having your jaw wired shut first so I, and others, won’t have to be bothered by your idiotic banter explaining that, once again, you didn’t like the thing you already knew you wouldn’t like.   Idiots.  There are far too many of them in the world.

03.14.18
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Orange Panther Movie With Donald Trump Coming Soon

Donald Trump As The Orange Panther

Hollywood California.   Because of the great success of the movie Black Panther, now in theaters, Donald Trump has decided to make a movie about himself called Orange Panther.   “Look,” President Trump said earlier today, “black people are not the only minorities out there who want to see themselves represented on screen in movies.   As an orange person, I find it rather offensive that people of my color aren’t represented more in films.   I’ve lived most of my life as if I were a super hero anyway, so making a super hero movie about it will be easy.   Throughout my life, as I’ve dealt with great prejudice due to my skin color, I’ve always fought crime wherever and whenever it reared its ugly head.   Many do not know this, but I was born with the speed and agility of a cat.   The minute I came out of my mother’s womb, I leapt about the hospital delivery room looking for a litter box as if I were a cat that greatly needed to pee.   As a toddler, I fought evil in my preschool by scratching out the eyes of any kid who crossed me.   Now, as a grown up, I often dress up in my super-duper powered cat suit to stop people from having premarital sex.  I stealthily walk along the outside ledges of skyscrapers peeking into bedroom windows in search of unwed people having sex.  When I find them, I use my super cat vision to check their fingers for wedding rings.  If they’re not wearing them, I crash through the window, pee on the culprits with my super powered cat-scented pee, then leap back out of the broken window hissing like the kitty cat I am.

So, as you can see, I’ve already been living the life of a super hero in my day-to-day life ever since I was a youth.   To make the film, I’ll simply have a camera man follow me about on my late night crime fighting adventures and film them as they happen–reality TV meets the super hero genre, BIGLY TIME!   I already have the cat suit, the powers, and I’m orange,  so special effects will not be needed.   I’m hoping to release the movie on October 31st so it can open on Halloween.  Cats are really popular on that day, so the movie will make tons of money.  It is time for orange people to be represented in films, and, by God, I’m going to be the one to do it.   So clear your calendar for Halloween of this year because it’s gonna be a historic moment in film you will not want to miss.  MEOW!!

02.26.18
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Because I Had Bone Spurs….

“I Wasn’t Able To Catch And Eat Tweety Bird.”   Sylvester the Cat, April 15th, 2011

 

“I Was Unable To Stand And Run When John Wilkes Booth Started Shooting At Me, So I Was Killed.”   April 15th, 1865

 

“I Had To Stay In My Car While Shooting Quail So I Wasn’t Able To Kill As Many Had I Been Able To Stand Up And Shoot Them.”  Little Old Lady, August 5th, 1999

 

“I Was Unable To Shoot And Kill Bugs Bunny Cause The Pain In My Foot, From My Bone Spurs, Caused Me To Cry Out When I Was Sneaking Up On Him.”  Elmer Fudd, December 3rd, 2001

 

“I Was Unable To Win The 100 Yard Dash At My High School Track Meet.”  Baby Girl, June 12th, 2014

 

“I Had To Defer My Enlistment In The U.S. Army 5 Times Even Though I’m The Toughest, Badly-est, Bigly-est Tough Guy To Have Ever, Ever Lived. No, Really, I Am. Really. I’m Manly, And I’m Tough.”  President Donald Trump, February 22nd, 2018

02.15.18
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A Prayer To The American God

Dear God, my love for thee is greater than all the oceans of the Earth combined and wider than the circumference of the known universe.   To you, my Lord, I devote all that is my being.  The honor I feel when I hold thy firm, cold metal in my hand often overcomes me and causes my eyes to well with tears.  Thou, my Lord, hast given me protection against all of mine enemies: high school kids, grade school kids, church goers, country music fans, and those dancing in gay nightclubs.   It is because of thee, oh most Exulted One, that I am able to unleash my wrath onto a world that does not appreciate thy glory and the greatness you possess.

The Almighty God Surrounded By Holy Water

With your guidance, my King of Kings, I will continue my work to end the plague of the liberal and the anti-gun lobbyist.  I will not end my war until their oppression against thee has been vanquished and every high school student who hast offended they Greatness lies dead and bloodied upon thine altar of gun powder.   I go now, my Liege, to fulfill this Holy War upon the infidels who seek to suppress and deny thee thy rightful place upon the throne of the greatest country to ever allow the slaughter of its most innocent citizens.   With thy aid, I hope to have this goal achieved by Christmas 2019, and, barring any unforeseen interference by the FBI, I will.  Amen