Chicago, Illinois. A group of savage, beast-like, Danish aborigines was spotted today terrorizing people in Downtown Chicago. “They were hideous,” said eyewitness William Handsonbutt. “I saw them as I was crossing the street near the Water Tower Place, and, when I made eye contact with them, they let out a wild yelp before making frightening gestures at me with their fingers. Their faces were covered in some sort of war paint and, by the horrid sound of their cries, I knew they were out for American blood. Luckily I was a sprinter for my high school sprinting team and, thus, was able to quickly run away before they could tear me limb from limb. I beseech anyone else who sees them to notify the authorities immediately and to stay as far away from these twisted, subhuman creatures as possible. Danish aborigines on the streets of Chicago. What’s next, Swedish aborigines in New York?”
New York, New York. Green Party Presidential nominee, Jill Stein said today that the 2016 Presidential election is rigged. “Damn straight it is,” Dr. Stein said earlier. “Look, either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton will win this election. Special interest groups, large corporations, and the static two-party American political system make it impossible for anyone BUT a Republican or a Democrat to win. That’s as rigged as it gets, and it sucks. So, here’s what’s gonna happen. If I lose on November 8th, I will not accept the result. I, and my dozens of followers, will stage a violent uprising that will make the French Revolution seem like a schoolyard brawl by comparison. We will seize control of the U.S. Government and have both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton drawn and quartered on the front lawn of the White House. It’s time for the people to take back America. Revolution was good enough for George Washington, and, god dammit, it’s good enough for me. Vote Stein on November 8th. Or else.”
My good pal, John Zande, whose blog The Superstitious Naked Ape is a must read for all sensible humans, once mentioned to me, “Conservatives are awful at humor but great at conspiracies.” Nowhere is this more apparent than in the Alex Jones video below. Jones is an Alt-Right conspiracy lunatic who is the craziest son of bitch I’ve ever seen. I laughed so hard watching this video I didn’t pee a little, I peed a lot. It isn’t meant to be funny, but, goddamnit, it is. Check it out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u8TyLGoiUwg
Just in time for Halloween, the Alt-Right movement has revealed some wonderful costumes that can be purchased at whiteismyfavoritecolor.com for just 56.77 each. Help make the white race proud again. Buy an Alt-Right costume this Halloween. The proceeds of every purchase go to the David Duke School For Gifted White Kids located in sunny Palm Springs, California.
Men, how many times have you wanted to simply grab a woman by the pussy and stick your tongue down her throat but hesitated because you had bad breath? Hundreds? Thousands? Well, the Republican Party, in an effort to raise money for its outstanding presidential candidate, Donald Trump, has just the thing for you: ‘Lil Donnie Trump Tic Tacs. Just pop two of these babies into your mouth and you’re free to sexually assault any woman of any age you wish without the troublesome problem of bad breath. Rapists and misogynists everywhere can now rejoice, ‘Lil Donnie Trump Tic Tacs are here to keep all of your woman-hatin’ activities fresh and breathtakingly pure. Each box of ‘Lil Donnie Trump Tic Tacs is only 14.99 and can be purchased at billclintonwasworse.com. 100% of all proceeds go to support Donald Trump’s glorious race for the Presidency of the United States. Join the Republican Party in its proudest moment ever and buy a box of ‘Lil Donnie Trump Tic Tacs. Donald, and your next sexual assault victim, will be glad you did.
New York, New York. The results of a survey released today by CNN shows that 93% of Donald Trump supporters firmly believe ISIS is part of the Soviet Union. “These results are shocking, to say the least,” said Ben Atdanee, a professional survey conductor and part-time tuba tuner for CNN. “The survey consisted of just one question: Is ISIS part of the Soviet Union? There were only three possible answers: Yes, no, or undecided. 93 of the 100 Trump supporters surveyed said yes. The other 7 said they were undecided. When told the Soviet Union dissolved over 2 decades ago and ISIS never had anything to do with it, 87 of the 100 participants shouted, in unison, ‘Fuckin’ Benghazi, mother fucker!’ The other 13 were too drunk to respond verbally to the statement so they simply belched and passed out. Next week we’ll be conducting a survey to see how many Trump supports are in favor of placing a wall around New Mexico as well as Mexico. The results of it will be published once we have them.”
Here are a few pics of Bible characters who had appetites that were, to say the least, rather insatiable.