Coming This Christmas, Alt-Right Talking Plush Toys

Swastika Village, Texas.    Do you have trouble finding Christmas gifts for your racist pals in the Alt-Right movement?   Are you an Alt-Right member yourself who feels discriminated against because there are no toys marketed toward white supremacists?  Well, your worries are over.   Just in time for Christmas, the All Colors Are Great As Long As They’re White Toy Company is releasing several new Alt-Right talking plush toys designed to make white supremacists of all ages giddy with joy.  These toys are only $9.99 a piece, and if you order one now, you’ll get a free, Trump May Be Orange, But We Love Him Any Way t-shirt absolutely free.   Here are pics of the toys along with the phrases they’ll say when you, or your racist kids, squeeze them.

1.)

Give Whitey, The Hitler Youth Seal a good squeeze and hear him recite Hitler's masterpiece, Mein Kampf in it's entirety.

Give Whitey, The Hitler Youth Seal a good squeeze and hear him recite Hitler’s masterpiece, Mein Kampf in its entirety.

2.)

Every time you squeeze Whitey The Cats tummy he says, "Meow! This cookie I'm eating is great cause it was made by white people in America and not by icky Mexican people in Mexico."

Every time you squeeze Whiteness The Cat’s tummy he says, “Meow! This cookie I’m eating is great cause it was made by white people in America and not by icky Mexican people in Mexico.”

 

3.)

Pick up any member of The Snow White family and give 'em a squeeze. When you do, you'll hear one of these wonderful phrases: 1.) "We're smilin' cause we're white 'n we're proud." 2.) "It's great to not be black." 3.) Mexicans belong behind big-ass walls." 4.) "Jesus was white; that's why he loves us and hates you."

Pick up any member of The Snow White Family and give ’em a squeeze. When you do, you’ll hear one of these wonderful phrases: 1.) “We’re smilin’ cause we’re white ‘n we’re proud.” 2.) “It’s great to not be black.” 3.) Mexicans belong behind big-ass walls.” 4.) “Jesus was white; that’s why he loves us and hates brown people.”

Order yours now while supplies last at http://www.luvwhites.com

New Study Shows White Supremacists Have Tiny Penises

Professor James Blackman Of The University Of Chicago

Professor James Smartman Of The University Of Chicago

Chicago, Illinois.    The results of a study conducted by Professor James Smartman, head of the genetics department at the University of Chicago, show what many intelligent humans have always suspected, males of the white supremacist race have extremely tiny penises.  “It’s true,” Professor Smartman said earlier.  “All of the white supremacist men who took part in this study had penises no longer or thicker than the pubic hair surrounding them.   It was, to be honest, very difficult not to laugh at these poor, pathetic creatures as I studied their tiny willies.   How this particular group of humans can procreate when the males of the species have such minute genitalia is beyond me.   But, unfortunately for the rest of us, they’ve found a way.  They’re also not the smartest apples hanging on the homo sapien tree.   To get them to participate in this study, all I had to do was offer them a free six-pack and an Uncle Adolph Hitler plush toy.   They were happy to let me measure their penises whilst they drank beer, belched, and played with good ole Uncle Adolph.   I’ll next be conducting a study to determine whether or not white supremacists have testicles because, to be honest, I didn’t see any while I was digging through their pubes looking for their penises.”

Things I’m Having A Hard Time Doing

I Tried This Once, But The Rock Rolled Back Over Me And I Spent 3 Weeks In Hospital

I Tried This Once, But The Rock Rolled Back Over Me And I Spent 3 Weeks In Hospital

1.) I’ve been trying to get a divorce, but since I’m not married, I’m finding it hard to do.

2.) I’m trying to become mayor of a small town in Mexico, any small Mexican town will do, but since I don’t speak Spanish, I’m finding it difficult to do.

3.) I’m trying to build a particle accelerator in my studio apartment, but I’m finding it hard to do because I don’t have enough room.

4.) I’m trying to start a career as a porn star by touting myself as The Stud With The 15″ Penis, but since my penis is only 5 and one half inches, I’m finding it difficult to do.

5.) I’m trying to come up with ten of these but I’m finding it hard to do, so I’ll end here.

 

Use Of Emojis Linked To Finger Cancer

Emojis: Friends Or Carcinogens?

Emojis: Friends Or Carcinogens?

Lots ‘O Time Town, Arkansas.    The results of a new study conducted by Professor Dickie Bartholomew Linkensmarter the Third of the University of Sudden Importance were released today which show a direct correlation between the use of emojis and finger cancer.  ” These results are as frightening as they are scary,” Professor Linkensmarter said earlier.   “Those who use emojis, and who doesn’t, have a 99% chance of developing terminal finger cancer by the time they’re 55 years old.  I asked over 100 separate people who looked like they had cancerous fingers whether or not they used emojis when sending messages with their cell phones and iPads.   99 of them said they did.   I then asked each of those people their age, and not a one was over 55.  Clearly, these results show that the use of emojis while texting your friends causes finger cancer: finger cancer that will probably kill you before you’re 55.  I hope all who read this understand the extreme danger of emoji use and stop using them today.  Remember, your fingers are more important to you than any smiley ever could be.”

10 Things I’ve Recently Learned

things

Here are 10 things I’ve learned recently.

1.) I do not have the power of 50 men in my right arm.

2.) I should not jump off garage roofs for fun.

3.) Skunks do not like to be cuddled.

4.) Placing one’s hand into a mound of fire ants has very painful consequences.

5.) Tequila is not for snorting.

6.) Women do not find it sexy that I can eat 12 jelly donuts at once.

7.) A good way to lose friends is by putting tiger balm in their jocks.

8.) Spitting cobras are not good pets for the elderly.

9.) Calling large, muscular dudes in the gym sissy-boys is a bad idea.

10.) Riding horses naked through large metropolitan areas in subzero weather impresses no one.

 

Sarcastic Leaders From History

Donald Trump said recently that President Obama was the founder of ISIS.  He repeated this several times over the past several days and continually reiterated he meant exactly what he said: President Obama is the founder of ISIS.  This morning, however, Trump stated the media had twisted his words into something he never actually meant.  He now claims he was merely being sarcastic.  Yes, once again, it’s not the Donald’s fault for saying something idiotic, wrong, crude, and insulting, it’s the media’s fault for being too stupid to see he didn’t mean what he actually said.  Way to go there, Donny.  Thing is, Trump is not the first person in history to do this.  Over the years, several famous world leaders have done this exact same thing, often with less than stellar results.  Here are a few of them along with the sarcastic things they said.

1.)

Henry The Eight is famous for sarcastically saying," Cut off Anne Boleyn's head. She cheated on me and is a whore." Henry was later shocked to learn that his sarcastic words were taken literally and his beloved wife's head was actually cut off. OOPS!!!

Henry The Eight is famous for sarcastically saying, after an argument with his wife, ” Cut off Anne Boleyn’s head. She cheated on me and is a whore.” Henry was later shocked to learn that his guards took his sarcastic words quite literally and his beloved wife’s head was actually cut off. OOPS!!!

 

2.)

Adolf Hitler once said, rather sarcastically, "Well then, why don't you just imprison all Jews then gas them and burn the bodies." Hitler's words were taken quite literally by those who followed him, and millions of Jews died because of it. Hitler's response to this was to say, "Well, if people are so stupid as to not know when I'm being sarcastic, it's on them for what they do, not me."

Adolf Hitler once said, rather sarcastically, “Well then, why don’t we just imprison all the Jews, gas them to death, and then burn the bodies.”  Hitler’s words were taken quite literally by his SS minions  and millions of Jews died because of it. Hitler’s response to this was to say, “Well, if people are so stupid as to not know when I’m being sarcastic, it’s on them if they do what I said to do, not me.”

 

3.)

When learning the Americans had an atomic weapon and what it could do if used, President Truman sarcastically said, "Well go ahead and drop the fucking thing then. Hell, drop two of the mother fuckers. That'll learn 'em, eh?" After the bombs were dropped, Truman was reported to have said, "WHAT! I didn't actually mean what I said. I was being sarcastic. What kind of idiots do I have working for me?"

When learning America had an atomic weapon and what it could do if used, President Truman sarcastically said, “Well go ahead and drop the fucking thing then. Hell, drop two of the mother fuckers. That’ll learn them fuckin’ Japs, eh?” After the bombs were dropped, Truman was reported to have said, “WHAT! I didn’t actually mean what I said. I was being sarcastic. What kind of idiots do I have working for me?”

 

4.)

Nixon said once, quite sarcastically, I'll add, "I think we should put a bug in the Watergate Hotel so we can hear what those stinking Democrats are planning." Upon leaving office to avoid an impeachment because his men actually did what he suggested, Nixon said," The biggest problem with Americans is they simply don't know when someone's being sarcastic."

President Nixon said once, quite sarcastically, I’ll add, “I think we should put a bug in the Watergate Hotel so we can hear what those fuckin’ Democrats are planning.” Upon leaving office to avoid an impeachment because his men actually did what he suggested, Nixon said,” The biggest problem with Americans today is they simply don’t know when someone’s being sarcastic.”

Chicago Woman Loses Mind In Target Restroom

Penelope Prickle

Penelope Prickle

Chicago, Illinois.    A 76-year-old Chicago woman named Penelope Prickle is claiming she lost her mind this morning while using the restroom in a local Target store.    “I’m not talking figuratively here,” Ms. Prickle said earlier.  “I went to the restroom at Target, and when I came out, I immediately noticed my head felt about 3 pounds lighter than when I went in.   I instantly knew I’d literally lost my mind, aka, my brain, somewhere in that restroom.   This has happened to me before.  Once, while at a Cubs game, I noticed my mind had slipped from my head.  Luckily, it had fallen into the lap of the guy sitting next to me, and he returned it.  This time, however, I’ve been unable to locate it.  I looked everywhere in that bathroom, and I can’t find it.  I’m starting to wonder if it didn’t fall into the toilet whilst I was wiping myself, and I inadvertently flushed it away.   I’m hoping that’s not the case and a cleaning person finds it and returns it to lost and found.  It’s hard walking around without a mind.  If anyone comes across it, please email me at penelopeprick.l@gmail.com and I’ll come get it.  Thanks, and have a pleasant day.”