What up, peeps? John the Baptist’s severed head here. Ya’ know, a lot of folks ask me, “John the Baptist’s severed head, what’s the most inconvenient thing about being a severed head?” Well, there are many inconveniences to my current predicament, my inability to wank off due to the fact I’ve no hands and no penis being one. But, the MOST inconvenient thing about all this is that every time I eat or drink something, it just comes pouring outta my neck a second after I swallow it. This one time, I was on a date with this smokin’ hot Italian babe I met in Rome. We were sittin’ in a restaurant, enjoying a light, flirtatious conversation, when she says to me, “John’s severed head, you simply MUST taste this wonderful wine I’m having.” She then proceeds to pour, like, a whole glassful of the stuff right down my gullet. Needless to say, red wine shot outta my severed neck like water from a fire hose on steroids. It got all over her and all over the table where we were sitting. Yeah, that was the end of that date. She drove me home and promised she’d text me later to set up another date, but I never heard from her again. Can’t really say I blame her. Now days I spend most of my time alone, watching TV and eating as little as is humanly possible. Life’s just simpler this way, and far less messy.
“Repeal Obama Care, Gas And Cremate The Poor, The Disabled, And Injured War Veterans; Then Carry On Giving Welfare To The Richest People In America,” Says Speaker Of The House, Paul Ryan
Fuck The Poor City, New Jersey. Speaker of the House, Republican Paul Ryan, stated today that, as Republicans destroy Obama Care, it’s far cheaper to simply send the poor, the disabled, injured war veterans, and the elderly into gas chambers and kill them than it is to give them health insurance. “Look,” said Paul Ryan earlier, “who the fuck gives a shit about disabled people, poor folk, war vets, and the elderly? I sure as fuck don’t. So why, in the name of welfare for the wealthy, should we give these useless pieces of shit health insurance? Fuck that. The wealthiest of Americans need tax breaks and handouts from the Government in order to ensure their sense of superiority over war vets, elderly folk, the disabled, and the poor. This is America, a land founded by the rich, for the rich, in 1952. Fuck you if you think otherwise. Christ, we Republicans are so good at mind-fucking the average American, we actually get most of them to vote for us every time there’s an election thinking we’re actually gonna help ’em. Ha, ha, ha! Idiots. God bless America, and God bless the richest of Americans. The poorest and the most disabled of Americans are doomed for gas chambers and cremation. That’s how Jesus wants it, and God dammit, that’s how Republicans want it. $Amen$”
“Ouch! God dammit! I stubbed my little toe on that friggin’ couch over there! SON OF A BITCH! Whose bright idea was it to put it there? Mother of Christ, but this hurts like hell!” Albert Einstein, May 12th, 1942
“Kill that fuckin’ boy,” says The Lord of Love, Yahweh
Bible-Is-Literal-Town, Ohio. A crazed Christian man today, via the word of Yahweh, brought his 6-year-old son to the town square and attempted to cut out his heart for the Lord with a big, nasty-looking knife. Several police rushed in on him and took the knife away before he could kill the boy. The man is now in a mental hospital and on several anti-psychotic drugs. Yahweh has been nowhere to be seen, as usual. This report has been brought to you by humans who love Yahweh because he’s more real than reality.
Actual Photo Of Russian Dossier On Trump
A Russian dossier containing incriminating information on Donald Trump has recently surfaced. It’s existence poses a very important question: “Has Russia been blackmailing Donald Trump to do its bidding?” Well, the readers of this blog will be glad to learn, we here at The Arm Chair Pontificator have been given access to this dossier. A few interesting tidbits of information from it are presented below. Enjoy.
1.) 12/13/2011. The Donald and Vladimir make love in President Putin’s Winnebago. The act is filmed by Russian porno director, and former KGB agent, Gustav Bigdickski. Bigdickski said of the experience: “It was like filming vanilla ice cream melt all over orange sherbet.” Vladimir is rumored to be keeping the video of this event under his mattress in Moscow.
2.) 03/06/2015. The Donald comes to Moscow and declares his undying love to President Putin. Ingrid Grabpussinstein, one of Vladimir’s chamber maids, heard Trump promise Putin this: “Vlady, if you help me win the 2016 Presidential election in my country, I promise you, you’ll not only have unlimited access to my mangina, you’ll have America at your beck and call to do whatever you wish with it.”
3.) 12/25/2016. The Donald visits several of his mistresses in a bathroom in Trump Tower in order to pee on them. One of these mistresses, Beverly Idoitfordacash, overheard a call Trump placed to Vladimir Putin. Here’s what she heard: “Listen, Vlady, I put Exxon Oil CEO, Rex Tillerson on my cabinet, just like I promised you I would. He’ll do whatever you want him to. Now, can I please come over to your house so we can do the ‘nasty’ to celebrate the holidays?”
*Stay tuned. More secrets from the dossier to be revealed later.
Meryl Streep, without mentioning his name, called out Donald Trump for being a bully who picks on disabled people at the Golden Globe Awards this past weekend.
Trump supporters, of course, were quick to respond in their usual fashion.
Waaa! Waaa! I’m a wittle Donny Twump Suppowter, ‘n my itty, bitty feewlings got a boo-boo on ’em ’cause dat nasty, evil, awful actwess wady, Meryl Stweep said my herwo, Donny Twump, is a bully. Waaa! Waaa! Me need a safe space frwom Meryl Stweep ‘n wiberals! Waaa! Waaa! She hurwt my wittle fweelings! Waaa! Waaa!
Trump had this to say on the matter.
Me da Pwesident! Waaa! Waaa! Dat wady said bad things about wittle, baby me! Waaa! Waaa! Unfair! Not twue! Wiberal bitch! Waaa! Me gonna cover me wittle ears so me can have a safe space from dat evil wady. Waaa! Waaa! Me need my daddy, Pwesident Putin! Waaa! Waaa! Help me, Wadimir Putin, you’re my only hope! Waaa!