U.S./Scottish Border, Texas. Well, it looks like former President Donald Trump and his Republican allies were right about caravans of illegal immigrants charging into America if Biden were to become President. Since President Biden’s inauguration on January 20th more than twenty thousand wild, feral, armed Scotsmen have charged across the U.S./Scotland border in southern Texas into America. “These are horrible, disease-carrying, armed rapists with funny accents who ate my entire herd of cattle raw,” said one Texas cow-herder who prefers to rename nameless. “I also strongly believe these people to be homosexuals because..well..because most of ’em are men and they’re wearin’ dresses,” the man said. When asked to comment on the situation, President Biden had only this to say: “What, do you have something against a good plate of haggis? Don’t you like bagpipe music? Hell, let the Scots come! This is America! Everyone’s welcome here! Even guys who talk funny and wear dresses instead of pants!” Stay tuned to this blog for further developments on this ongoing situation.
OAN City, California. President-elect Joe Biden today revealed he’d broken his foot while kicking current President Trump’s ass in the November 3rd election. “Man, it felt GREAT to kick that guy’s ass, but, god damn, he musta laid a huge, solid load in his poopy diaper when I did it cause I broke my god damn foot on it!” Soon to be ex-President Trump could not be reached for comment on this issue. It’s believed he’d pooped his diaper again when we asked to speak to him and was being cleaned and changed when we called.
OAN City, Utah. President-elect Joe Biden today used some of the evil powers he’s gained over the years from worshiping Satan to return Hugo Chavez from the dead in order to place him in charge of the CIA. “Yeah, I figured, what the fuck,” Biden said earlier,” why not use some of the evil powers I have as a Satan worshiper and a Democrat to return Mr. Chavez from the dead in order to have him do my bidding in the CIA. Hugo is SOOOOO glad to be alive again, I’m certain he will do whatever evil thing I and my fellow leftist Democrats instruct him to do. So, LOOK OUT, former President Trump and Trump supporters! I, and Hugo Chavez, are comin’ for ya! Hahahahahahahahaha!!!”