09.29.19
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Democrats Ask China For Help In Winning 2020 Elections

“We’re Not Going To Do Anything They Haven’t Been Doing For Years,” Nancy Pelosi Said Today

Quid Pro Quo City, Ukraine.    In a shocking statement this morning Nancy Pelosi, the Democratic Speaker of the House of Representatives, announced her plan to ask China to help Democrats win in 2020.  “I mean, why the hell not,” said Speaker Pelosi. “President Trump and the GOP have been doing things like this for years.  Hell, I doubt they could’ve won ANY election in the past 20 years without outside help.  So, I figure, it’s about time we did the same thing to help keep the political playing field level.  I was just on the phone with Chinese President, Xi Jinping, and promised him that if he can get us dirt on, and nude photos of, Donald Trump and Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell, we would gladly lift all tariffs on Chinese goods when we take over the Federal Government in 2021.  He was more than happy to oblige me and even said, ‘What took you so long to call?  We’ve been eager to help you guys cheat to catch up with the GOP for years now!  Hee Haw! Time to kick some Republican ass!’  Needless to say, we Democrats are thrilled with this development and hope to use Chinese help to seriously bend the 2020 elections in our favor.  Well, until then, God bless America.  God bless Democracy, and God bless free, open, and fair elections.”

 

 

08.20.19
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Thoughts On Gun Violence In America

The Media And Liberals Are The Cause Of Mass Shootings In America Not Guns

I have come up with some Nobel Prize winning thoughts on gun violence in America: what its causes are and how to best end it.  I’m including these flawless thoughts in my platform as I run for the US Senate in 2020.  I am the only solution to the problem that is a liberal-infested, media-haunted America.  Anyone who thinks otherwise is wrong and a libtard.  Period.

The media should be required, under penalty of death, to report only what our government WANTS us to know. Turn each shooting into a “Candy Given Away To Hungry Kids” headline, and all will be well.  Shootings will stop, and a happy bliss will fall over America.   Hell, don’t cover ANY shootings and INCREASE the ease with which people can purchase weapons–THAT will surely solve the problem.  To further my argument, let me list the following, true, causes of gun violence in America.

1.) Media coverage of shootings is, first and foremost, the main reason gun violence exists in America.  Period.   2.) Video games. These, without a doubt, are making mass shooters out of our youth. There is NO argument against this that even begins to make sense.  3.) Comic books and violent films.  Again, it is inarguable that THESE things are a MAJOR cause of mass shootings in America.  Only sissified liberals argue differently.  4.) Media coverage of mass shootings. (I know, this is also reason one, but it is SO much a reason as to why these shootings happen, I felt I just HAD to mention it again. OK?)  5.) Liberals who are demanding stricter gun sales.  These sissified, anti-American a-holes are a MASSIVE cause of mass shootings because they rouse trouble wherever they go by talking their leftist, commie bullshit.  This enrages true Americans who then read comic books and play video games; this then leads them to use their otherwise safe semi-automatic weapons to kill hundreds.  Science supports me on this, as does the internet.  Look it up if you don’t believe me.

To conclude, there are few horrid things that happen in America today that aren’t caused by liberals, the media and their disgusting disregard for the truth the rest of us Christ-loving Americans are so proud of.   Like Sally Field once said to Burt Reynolds, “Burt, if the media ignored libtards and mass shootings and only told us about the happier things in life, we’d have nothing to ever worry about.”  Wiser words have never been spoken.  Think about it: If you don’t hear about a blood-filled mass shooting that happened in a city across the country from you, did it really even happen?

07.13.19
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Things I Should Not Have Done Or Said

You Did Or Said WHAT???

10.)  I should not have told the cop who pulled me over for speeding that I’d stop sleeping with his wife if he didn’t give me a ticket.

9.)  I should not have had a full plate of re-fried beans for dinner an hour before my girlfriend performed oral sex on me.

8.)  I should not have wandered into a children’s ward in the hospital wearing nothing but a smile and an orange condom.

7.)  I should not have released a bag of a thousand spiders and centipedes on the food buffet table at my 89 year old grandmother’s birthday party.

6.)  I should not have entered a local talent contest as a cat juggler and tried to juggle 6 adult cats at once.  (BAD idea!)

5.)  I should not have tried to save money by using the leaves from an elephant ear plant as a diaper for my 6 month old niece.

4.)  I should not have dressed as a rabbi and tried to circumcise my Jewish neighbor’s son, especially because he was 6 years old and already circumcised.

3.)  I should not have thought using a can of compressed air as toilet paper would do a sufficient job of cleaning my rump after going number two.

2.)  I should not have bit down on my dentist’s finger as hard as I could “just to see what would happen” during a routine dental cleaning.

1.)  I should not have prank-called the members of the the Nobel Prize Committee threatening to “kick their asses for refusing to give me my self-awarded Nobel Prize” without using a burner phone.  (Did you realize YOUR number shows up on OTHER people’s phones when you call them?  Go figure!)

 

 

 

05.27.19
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More On My 2020 Platform For The Senate

I just read report by some libtard, weak-kneed SJW fool that poverty, in America, is caused by “environment”.   Well, to this I say, “Environment my fat, dimpled ass!”  It’s gas chambers and crematoriums that are needed to end poverty in America, not fixes to the “environment,” and, by Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, I stand by this statement! Look, we can ALL agree that poverty in America is caused by one thing and one thing only: laziness.  Only the lazy CHOOSE to be and remain poor.  The poor, like the disabled, the elderly, and the gay, are stains on this proud, Christian country. America was founded by strong, straight, non-disabled, non-poor, white men. There can be NO argument here. None. The only way to end laziness, poverty, disabled people, non-Christain people, and gay people, is to gas and cremate those who deliberately choose to live these lifestyles.  Let’s be clear here, these are lifestyle CHOICES we are talking about.   NO ONE is poor for ANY other reason in America except laziness. PERIOD!

Environment My Ass! Laziness Causes Poverty!

I should NOT have to deal with these types of “people,” and neither should anyone else.  So, vote for me for the Senate in 2020 and I’ll bring to Congress my platform to gas and cremate EVERY person in America who is SO lazy as to be poor, gay, disabled, and/or old. Truly, with the love and help of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and me as a senator, we can make America Free Again so decent, Christian, straight, non-poor, non-gay, non-lazy Americans can walk the streets safely, proudly and without the blight of lazy people assaulting us at every turn.
God bless, America, and God bless those who choose to not be so fucking lazy as to be poor, disabled, gay, or old. $Amen$

05.19.19
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My 2020 Platform For The Senate

As some of my readers may know, I’m running for the Senate in 2020 on the following platform: We need to rid America of the pestilence that is poverty by building gas chambers and crematoriums throughout our great country to “get rid” of the poor, the elderly and the disabled–ain’t nuttin worse than a poor AND disabled person, BTW–by gassing and cremating the lazy bastards, ASAP.

I’m SICK and tired of the poor! SICK OF THEM!!!!  It is SO obvious that the poor are poor by choice due to their laziness. This is simply NOT arguable.  Anyone arguing otherwise is a leftist, liberal, SJW piece of crap unable to have calm, rational, non-name-calling discussions.  Period.  We also need to make America a Christian theocracy and put an end to the craziness that is gay marriage and gay “people” in general.  Being gay, like being poor, is a conscious CHOICE done by lazy people who refuse to do the work necessary to be true, God-loving, decent, non-poor, non-disabled, tax-paying, Jesus- worshiping, heterosexual human beings. Again, these are facts and are inerrant in their truth. To deny this is to admit ones own laziness and to brand oneself as a liberal, leftist, snowflake, whining, Hillary-loving, anti-American hack.

To conclude, America will never be free for decent, non-poor, non-gay, Christian humans until enough gas chambers and crematoriums are built to “eliminate” the blight of lazy bastards like the poor and the “gay” from the face of the earth. This can best be done under the all-loving embrace of a Christian theocratic government where the love of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, is placed above the hideous laziness of the poor, the gay, the disabled and the gay, disabled poor.

A Vote For Me Is A Vote For Christ

MAFA.  Make America Free Again in 2020.  Vote for me, and help me gas and cremate the poor, the gay, the non-Christian, the disabled and, most importantly, the poor, gay, non-Christian disabled folks who tarnish America’s greatness with their lazy stench and sickening lifestyle.
Yours in Christ’s love, The Arm Chair Pontificator.

P.S. I forgot to mention, we also need to gas and cremate anyone seeking or talking about getting or performing an abortion. These LAZY people, if you can truly even call them “people”, clearly do not deserve the love of Christ or to be anywhere near true, decent, Jesus-loving Americans. Have a lovely day, and remember: Vote for The Arm Chair Pontificator in 2020 so we can begin to bring my dream of a pure, non-lazy America to fruition by wiping out those less worthy, and far more lazy, than we, ourselves, are.  $Amen$

05.02.19
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Eyes Open On Shroud Of Turin

Another older post few got to see. Check it out. It’s short.

The Arm Chair Pontificator

In Rome this morning, Fr. Peter Doodelbug, Chief Archeologist of the Vatican, revealed this photograph of The Shroud of Turin which he claims he personally took just yesterday.

Wadda You Lookin' At! Wadda You Lookin’ At!

“I rolled the Shroud back to take a little peek last night, and its eyes opened! Good thing I had my phone camera on me and was able to take this picture. I also could swear I heard the Shroud speak. It said, ‘Wadda YOU lookin at man?!’ or something to that effect,” Fr. Doodelbug said, as he rode an exercise bike in the Vatican gym while conducting this interview.

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04.14.19
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Brew Ha Ha Erupts At Annual Heaven/Hell Easter Gathering

Here’s a fun tale, told by Jesus, to me, about a riotous Easter party from some years back. Enjoy.

The Arm Chair Pontificator

When I entered my office this morning to sit in my arm-chair and pontificate, I found it was already occupied by an exhausted and disheveled looking Jesus. I was, of course, rather surprised by this, and, after first asking him to please sit on the couch because only I sit in the arm-chair, I asked why he was there. This is what he said.

Jesus Tells Me His Story Jesus Tells Me His Story

“First of all, let me please apologize for my appearance and my unannounced visitation, but, after last night, I really just needed a quiet place to chill for a few hours. You see, just prior to coming here, I squelched the flames of a wild brew ha ha between Heaven and Hell. Yesterday, we held our annual Heaven & Hell Easter party at the McCormick Center here in Chicago. It was really a fun party, too, at least for the first…

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