Cleveland, Ohio. Soon to be President, Donald Trump, today cited Adolf Hitler, many times, as he proudly accepted the Republican nomination for the presidency of the United States. “Now that I have been nominated as the future President of America, I must quote my hero, Adolf Hitler, because he is simply amazing.” Herr Trump said earlier. “Here’s a quote of his I particularly love: ‘Demoralize the enemy from within by surprise, terror, sabotage, assassination. This is the war of the future.’ I, your Lord and Master, Donald Trump, say this is the way to obliterate our enemy, Hillary Clinton, completely. Whose ideas, my Republican friends, are better to help lead my cause to create a just, white America than Adolf Hitler’s? He’s one of the greatest white people to have ever lived. I LOVE him, and I know, in my heart, you do too. Also remember, my white Republican brothers and sisters, this other great quote from Hitler: ‘Great liars are also great magicians.’ I am THE greatest liar who’s ever lived, all of you who vote for me accept this. My lies would give Hitler himself a hard-on. Thus, continue to do what you’re doing and accept every thing I say to you as true. It helps me that you do, and, for that, I, and my idol, Adolf Hitler, thank you. Seig Heil, my Republican friends, and I thank all of you for helping to make America white, Christian, and non-gay once again.”
Banana City, North Carolina. In shocking news today from the Republican National Convention, soon to be U.S. President, Donald Trump, announced he’s actually Dr. Zaius from the Planet of the Apes movies. “Many people keep asking me why I’m orange,” Mr. Trump said earlier, “and it’s about time I come clean on the issue. I’m orange because I’m actually the sentient orangutan from the Planet of the Apes movies known as Dr. Zaius. I’ve been shaving and using depilatory body creams for many decades now to cover up my orangutan heritage. I always felt that if people knew I wasn’t actually a human being, they’d make fun of me and keep me in some sort of walled-in enclosure because, as you know, people do tend to fear things they do not fully understand. I’m asking for every American to please, simply accept me for the beautiful creature I am. I may be of a different species than you, but, believe you me, I’ve got the same feelings and desires you have. Remember, too, America is great because of the variety of people who make her up. To pick one race, or one culture, over another and say, ‘This one is the true American way,’ would be a lie and very unfair to every other race and culture that helps make America great. So, please, America, show me the same love and empathy that I show to all of you, regardless of your race or cultural background, and elect me as your President in November. And, as soon as that happens, we’ll start building that wall to keep those dirty, god-damned Mexicans out of our country. God bless you, America, and God bless freedom!”
Cleveland, Ohio. A poll was conducted this morning on the floor of the Republican National Convention asking attendees what day of the week they thought it was. “I wasn’t sure what kind of answers I was going to get,” said poll conductor, Sally B. Moist. “With the high level of intelligence most Republicans have, things like what day of the week it is often slip our minds. But, I’m proud to report, that 4 out of 10 of the Republicans I surveyed this morning were fairly certain today was Wednesday-that’s like what, 20 percent almost? Not bad, eh? This poll just goes to show you, Donald Trump is our nominee for President for a reason. We’re a bright group, and we’re hoping to pass our brilliance on to the rest of world this November when Donald Trump becomes our next President. Now, if I could just remember what year this was, I’d have a much easier time figuring out how old I am.”
Xenophobe Valley, Texas. Donald Trump today announced that Darth Vader will speak on his behalf at this week’s Republican National Convention. “I’ve been friends with Lord Vader for many years, ” Mr. Trump said earlier. “He’s perhaps the greatest fascist I’ve ever known. His method of ruling the galaxy through threats, violence, and bullying has given me many hard-ons over the years. Thus, I’m absolutely ecstatic that he’s agreed to come to the Republican National Convention in Cleveland this week to tell Americans what a lovely, handsome, testosterone-filled, dictator I’d make as their President. I truly feel this is the final straw I need to completely devastate Hillary Clinton’s hope of defeating my magnificent self in November. I know most Americans simply can not wait to bow down before me and worship me as their lord, master, and President. Very soon now, this will be a reality. I’d like to thank Lord Vader in advance for what is sure to be an applause-inspiring speech, and I’d like to thank the American people for all of their support in elevating me, a white supremacist, misogynistic, racist blow-hard of a man to the highest office in the country. God bless you America, and may the Force be with you.”
Idjit City, Wisconsin. Terrorism opinionist and NRA member, Guy Gonad, today said the horrific terror attack which took the lives of 84 people in Nice, France yesterday could have been avoided had everyone in the crowd been in a truck rather than walking about freely. “Come on, man, it’s so friggin’ obvious,” Mr. Gonad said earlier. “It’s a lot damn harder for a terrorist to kill people with a truck if everyone is in a truck themselves. We here in a America don’t have terrorists killing people with trucks because we have a little piece of literature known as the Second Amendment. It gives us the right to keep and bear trucks, arms, Volkswagens, and anything else we deem is necessary, to protect ourselves from Islamic terrorists, Barrack Obama, and liberals. What kind of crazy country sends its people out to a celebratory event like Bastille Day without first being certain each of them is safely in a truck of their own? One that’s far too liberal-minded and dandified, if ya ask me. The only safe populace is a populace that’s in trucks. That’s what George Washington implied when he wrote the Second Amendment, and who in the hell are we to argue with him?”
If you’re a Star Wars fan, or just a fan of good ole fashion CRAZY movies, you’re gonna love the newest film from TACP Studios: Donald Days And Jedi Knights. The film was written by, directed by, and stars, Donald Trump as Darth Narcissist, the biggest self-loving Dark Lord in the galaxy.
WATCH! As billionaire Darth Narcissist and his millions of mindless, white, minions, known lovingly as the Trumpettes, mock those weaker, poorer, less fortunate, and browner than they are.
CRINGE! As Darth Narcissist sweeps all the women in the film off their feet and seduces them with his beautiful, boyish good looks.
SHIVER! As you see Darth Narcissist use his conservative, and very expensive, custom-made, light sabre to slice to bits the last remaining hope for the Progressive movement in the galaxy, Obi-Bernie-Wan-Sanders.
VOMIT! As you realize this isn’t really a film, but news footage of what’s actually happening right now in America.
WEEP! As Darth Narcissist proclaims himself Emperor of the World for life and vows to euthanize any and all who question his greatness.
PAY! A whopping 25 dollars a ticket to see this film or risk the wrath Darth Narcissist himself.
GET! A free “Trump’s Ass Is Great-That’s Why I Kiss It” T-shirt with each ticket purchase while supplies last.
SEE! You all at the film’s premier on August 5th, 2016.
Elie Wiesel, holocaust survivor, Nobel Laureate, political activist and author of the book Night, in which he describes his experiences as a prisoner in the Auschwitz concentration camps, passed away July 2nd at the age of 87.
While this is a great loss to the world, we can take comfort in the fact that Mr. Wiesel has donated his hair to Bernie Sanders so that at least a part of him can continue the good fight for progressives everywhere.
“I’m so honored to have Elie Wiesel’s hair implanted on my head,” Mr. Sanders said earlier. “It not only makes me feel wiser, it helps very much in keeping my head warm on cold nights. Mr. Wiesel was a great man. His hair was also great, and it will live on on my head for as long as I carry breath in my lungs. R.I.P. Mr. Wiesel, and long live your hair!”