10.04.20
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Corona Virus Turns Trump Into Chinese Man

In shocking news today, President Donald Trump has been transformed into a Chinese man after contacting covid-19. “I woke up and looked in the mirror,” Trump said earlier, “and much to my surprise, I found a Chinese man looking back at me! Obviously, this is a side effect of the ‘Chinese/Kung Fu’ virus I contacted from Joe Biden during our debate several nights ago.  Sleepy Joe is SOOOO afraid of my greatness that he intentionally infected himself with covid-19 right before our debate in order to infect me with it by shouting at me to ‘shut up, man,’ during the event.  In spite of this turn of events, I am still the same man I have always been and will not stop uttering crude, racially insensitive comments every chance I get.  So, please vote for me on Nov. 3rd and help me to make America great again because the current president has driven it deeply into the gutter these past 4 years!”

09.19.20
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President Trump Officially Changes Title To Princess Trump

President Trump signed an executive order today officially changing his title from “President” to “Princess”. “Princess is what Vladimir Putin calls me when we are being intimate together in private,” Princess Trump said after signing the order,”and since I love it SO much when he does, as it makes me feel so dainty and feminine, I now insist that EVERYONE call me Princess, rather than President, Trump. In reality, I do behave much more like a spoiled princess than a manly president, so I see no one disagreeing with my decision to do this. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go out and shop for a nice pink nightgown and red bunny slippers so I can wear them when I walk around the White House in the wee small hours of the morning.”

09.18.20
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Hey, Trump Voters! It’s Super Easy To Vote Multiple Times So Do It

Vote Early ‘N Often City, New York.   Hello to my fellow Americans and fellow voters.  I’m here to tell you that I’ve just ordered 56 thousand mail-in voting ballots for myself and will most certainly cast all of them for Joe Biden so I can help him win the same way I helped President Hillary Clinton win in 2016.  It is SOOOO easy to vote as often as you want in America, that I encourage EVERYONE to do it. It’s easy to do, AND, it’s perfectly legal in most states–even my dog voted in 2016 for Hillary.  How else could she have won, eh?

My Dog After He Voted For President Hillary Clinton The 56th Time In 2016

So, to all those Trump supporters out there who are worried that the Dems are gonna cheat, I say this: We are gonna cheat!  And so should you!  It really, really is easy as pie.  Just request as many mail-in ballots as you can fill out in 3 or 4 weeks and vote away!  Then, on Nov. 3rd, go to your local polling place as many times as you want and cast multiple ballots for Donald Trump.  Christ, if it worked to get Hillary elected in 2016, surely it can easily work to get Donald elected this time.  You simply MUST vote as often as possible, Trump voters, or the Dems are gonna beat your asses like they did in 2016.   Oh, before I leave you to it, please remember to brag to everyone you know, and to the election officials at your voting place on election day, that you are voting multiple times.  Everyone will thank you for it; tell you it’s legal, and gladly tell you what a great American you are.  So vote away, Trump supporters!  Princess Donald is counting on you!  $Amen$

09.17.20
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WATCH THIS! Trump Supporters Show Their True Selves

Watch this clip from Stephen Colbert’s “The Late Show”:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qyx5j6i98kw.  It’s funny, sad and frightening at the same time.  THESE are Trump supporters exposed.   To quote Puck from Shakespeare’s “A Midsummer Night’s Dream,” “Lord, what fools these mortals be!”   These people redefine the words, “fucking idiots.”

Update:  Here is a second part to this video from Colbert’s show last night: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b-7W5BCIFdg   We are FUCKED America!  FUCKED!!

08.12.20
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Trump Misses Letter While Reciting Alphabet Claims It Proves He’s A Genius

Trump: The Smartest Person To Have Ever Lived

Brilliant Valley, North Carolina.   President Trump today announced he was asked to recite the alphabet by his family physician to test his cognitive health and only missed one letter.   “Not only did I miss just one letter,” Trump said, “I also recited 18 of the remaining 25 letters in the correct order.   Now, let Joe Biden try to top that, eh?!  My physician told me my performance on this ‘alphabet test’ PROVES my mind is operating at a genius IQ level.  He also told me that the letter I missed, ‘X’, I believe it was, is a stupid letter that only stupid people like Democrats would remember anyway.  And just let Joe Biden try to get 18 letters of the alphabet in the correct order without mixing up a few!  Ha!  He couldn’t get two in row right much less 18!  SAD!!  So, as all who are fair to me and intelligent can see, my mind is operating at peak capacity and I’m clearly the most qualified person to be President.  Period.  End of story.  MAGA!”

08.08.20
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Tucker Carlson Has Butt Plug Permanently Stitched Into Anal Cavity

Tongue Up Trump’s Ass City, New York.   Tucker Carlson of Fox News fame today stated that the reason his face is always in an expression of severe pain is because he’s had a butt plug in the shape of Donald Trump’s mushroom penis permanently shewn into his anal cavity.

“The reason my face always looks as if I’m in severe pain,” Tucker said earlier today, “is because I AM always in severe pain.  It hasn’t always been like this, but, in order to show my deep, deep love of President Trump, I’ve recently had an orange, mushroom-shaped butt plug permanently shewn into my rectal cavity which causes me continual pain when sitting and when going number two.  However, the pain is worth it because, in this way, I feel as if a piece of the President, namely, his orange, mushroom-shaped penis, is always deep inside my body and with me no matter where it is I travel.  I honestly believe that if more Americans did this, America would be a much more homogeneous and peaceful place in which to live.   I vow to never have this plug removed from my body until EVERY liberal in America is crushed beneath the all-powerful mushroom-penis of the greatest man who’s ever lived, President Donald J. Trump.  Go Trump!!!  And remember to vote red in November in order to MAGA!  MAGA! MAGA!”

07.12.20
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Animal Talk

“Say that again, pal, and I will KICK YOUR ASS!!! I’m serious, buddy! I’ve studied Kung Fu in China for years, and I am one BAD and DANGEROUS puppy! Hiiiiii…..YAAAAA!!!!”

 

“If you give me my toothbrush back right this minute, I’ll forget you ever took it. So, just put the god damned thing in my hand, walk away, and it’ll all be forgotten. OK?”

 

“I…um…I’m…..um…I’m looking for a nice shirt ‘n tie, but….well… but…see….I kinda have a….well….a neck issue in that…well… I don’t truly have much of a neck. So…um…if anyone out there has a nice men’s shirt with a child’s neck size, kin I have it?  Please?”

 

“And I thought working for FedEx was humiliating.”

 

“Look deeply into my eyes. Deeper. Deeper. Now, relax and reach for your wallet. Take out all of your money and credit cards and place them in front of me; then turn around and go home and go to sleep. Tomorrow you will NOT remember meeting a talking monkey in the park who hypnotized you into giving him your money. Good bye.”

 

“Could you please repeat that? I didn’t hear you right. Did you make some sort of a wise-ass remark about my ears? I find it truly rude when people make fun of my ears. So don’t. OK.”