“Have A Happy, Jolly New Year, And In Case You Didn’t Hear, Oh, By Golly Have A Happy, Jolly New Year This Year!”
Hope everyone but the bastards on the Nobel Prize Committee, who STILL refuse to acknowledge my self-awarded Nobel Prize, have a grand and safe effin’ New Year. And let’s hope for a wonderful 2020, y’all!
“Say Kids,” Says Santa, “Come On Over Here ‘N Plop Down On Santa’s Lap! OK?”
To all my 5 billion world-wide readers and to all my friends at the Nobel Prize Committee, have a Merry God Damn Christmas and a Mother Effing Great New Year! $Amen$
“How In Fuck’s Name Did THIS Happen,” Says Surprised Chicken That Laid Duck Egg
Amazing City, Alabama. In stunning news today a chicken, owned by a farmer named Henry Yankmeoff, laid a duck, and not a chicken egg. “This is just shocking,” said Farmer Yankmeoff. Neither I, nor my chicken, have a bloody clue as to how such a miraculous thing could have happened, but this morning, at about 5AM, my chicken laid a duck’s egg. “This is truly miraculous.” When Farmer Yankmeoff was asked how he and his chicken knew that it was a duck egg and not a chicken egg that was laid, Farmer Yankmeoff replied,”Because the egg was laid quacked you silly goose!”
Here are few pics of Donald Trump that beg the question, “Is he a man, or a baby?”
1.)
“Da wibtards ‘n da Dumb’ocrats are pickin’ on Wittle Donny! Dey makin’ Wittle Donny angwy! Wittle Donny don’ wike ta be angwy! Wittle Donny gonna cry now! WAAAA!! WAAAAA!!!”
2.)
I don’t know if these adult diapers are large enough to hold all the festering shit Trump expels on a daily basis, but we gotta try something cause he’s stinking up the country something fierce.
3.)
These paper towels literally helped save Puerto Rico after it was struck by a hurricane a few short years ago. Thank the Lord Jesus Trump was there to toss these out to people. $Amen$
4.)
“WAAAAA!! WAAAA!! WAAAA!! Me don’t wike da Dumb’ocrats! Dey makes fun of me!!! WAAAA!!! WAAAA!! Wiberals are mean ta Donny!!!! WAAAAA!!! WAAAAA!!! Dey better stop makin’ fun of Wittle Donny or Wittle Donny’s gonna tell his Daddy, Vladimir Putin, on dem! WAAAA!!! WAAA!!! Daddy Vlad, dey pickin’ on Wittle Donny!!! Make ’em stop, Daddy Vlad!!!!! WAAAAAA!!! Wittle Donny no likes it! WAAAA!!”
5.)
Apparently, these diapers, made by Trump’s company in China, are very popular with his female followers and his male followers with penises that are shaped liked small mushrooms. Gotta hand it to Donny, if there’s a toileting need out there, he’s the one to fill it.
6.)
And, lastly, here’s a picture of a baby who’s cute, kind, smart, nice, not a wimp, and doesn’t whine like a menstruating cat when things get tough! “Help us, Baby Yoda, you’re our only hope!”
MAGA Hats Have Become Sentient And Violent
Trump City, Russia. In a stunning development, a pile of MAGA hats yesterday attacked, and severely bruised, two liberals who were shopping at a local Target store. “It was awful,” said Bethany Bigbody, one of the liberals attacked. “My friend, Billy Tightcheeks, and I were at Target taking advantage of the Black Friday sales and talking about how much we missed Obama when an entire pile of MAGA hats leaped at us from a hat rack and shouted, ‘DOWN WITH LIBERAL SCUM!’ We were then covered in a sea of MAGA hats that repeatedly smashed their brims against our faces. It was utterly terrifying, and if not for the quick work of a store clerk who grabbed a huge trash bag and tossed the raging hats into it, I’m certain we would have been beaten unconscious or worse. Needless to say, my friend and I will be damned careful what we say from now on when stacks of MAGA hats are nearby.”
Bethany Bigbody With The Black Eye She Received From A Violent Group Of MAGA Hats
When The Armchair Pontificator contacted the Chinese manufacturer of MAGA hats, We Make ‘Em, You Buy ‘Em, for a comment on the violent, and sentient, nature of their hats, we were told to speak with Trump’s lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, who, when we did contact him, promptly threatened to sic a gross of MAGA hats on us if we didn’t stop asking questions. Therefor, we can only suggest, that if you are a liberal, be very careful what it is you say when passing by MAGA hats in stores. You may very well be beaten up if you aren’t.
Thanksgiving Turkeys Not Having Such A Grand Ole Time
Happy Thanksgiving from The Armchair Pontificator to all my readers on this glorious day of love, togetherness and thankfulness celebrated throughout America! And, please, no matter where you are in the world today, or who who are with, give someone a big, fat hug of thankfulness for me. It’ll make ya’ feel good. (As long as ya’ don’t get too handsy, that is.)
“We’re Not Going To Do Anything They Haven’t Been Doing For Years,” Nancy Pelosi Said Today
Quid Pro Quo City, Ukraine. In a shocking statement this morning Nancy Pelosi, the Democratic Speaker of the House of Representatives, announced her plan to ask China to help Democrats win in 2020. “I mean, why the hell not,” said Speaker Pelosi. “President Trump and the GOP have been doing things like this for years. Hell, I doubt they could’ve won ANY election in the past 20 years without outside help. So, I figure, it’s about time we did the same thing to help keep the political playing field level. I was just on the phone with Chinese President, Xi Jinping, and promised him that if he can get us dirt on, and nude photos of, Donald Trump and Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell, we would gladly lift all tariffs on Chinese goods when we take over the Federal Government in 2021. He was more than happy to oblige me and even said, ‘What took you so long to call? We’ve been eager to help you guys cheat to catch up with the GOP for years now! Hee Haw! Time to kick some Republican ass!’ Needless to say, we Democrats are thrilled with this development and hope to use Chinese help to seriously bend the 2020 elections in our favor. Well, until then, God bless America. God bless Democracy, and God bless free, open, and fair elections.”
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