I’m Moses, And I Exist, God Damn It!

Here’s an older post I’m re-posting just cause I want to, God Damn It!

The Arm Chair Pontificator

I'm Real, God Damn It! Says Moses I’m Real, God Damn It! Says Moses

Hello. This is Moses. Yes. THAT Moses, God damn it! Which Moses did you think it was? Your Uncle Moses from Jersey? Do you even have an Uncle Moses from Jersey? Does ANY ONE have an Uncle Moses from Jersey? I thought not, God damn it! So shut up a minute and let me talk already, God damn it! It’s come to my attention that several Rabbis, Christians, a-theists, and other such ninnies have been debating whether or not I ever existed. Apparently, some putzes think the stories in the Bible about me were just made up, and I am but a conglomeration of people combined into one guy by the writers of the Old Testament. Well, I’m here to tell you, that I AM Moses. I do exist, and I am the Moses written about in the Bible, God damn it! As…

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Welcome To Alabama: The Pedophile State

Alabama: The Pedophile State

Montgomery, Alabama.     Men, would you like to press your naked, aroused flesh against the body of a 13 or 14 year child but fear the legal repercussions of doing so?   Well, then, relocate your fine self to Alabama where such things are not only allowed, they’re encouraged.    Here in Alabama, we raise our children to do two things:  Love their Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, with all their heart, and submit to the sexual advances of any adult male who wants them without question.   Back in Moses’ day, gals as young as 9 or 10 were married off to men in their 60’s all the time.  And why not?  Did God not make the woman to please the man?  Did Jesus Christ not say, “Love your children as you would your sheep?”  I most certainly don’t think Jesus meant for men to make wool out of their children.  That’s just nutty.  So, besides making wool, what else are sheep used for if not to gratify the sexual needs of the shepherd?   Doesn’t it make far more sense for sexually frustrated adult men to satisfy their needs by having sex with children rather than by fornicating with sheep?  Of course it does!   Ain’t no sheep gonna tell ya’ how much it loves you while your making love with it the way a child can.  I can tell ya’ that!  So, if you’re a man who would like the freedom to stalk children for your prurient needs, then come to Alabama.  You’ll love it here.  Hell, you’ll love it SO much you may decide to run for the Senate and represent our state on the Hill one day.

I Offered To Make A Plea Agreement With Mueller

“Who The F**k Is The Arm Chair Pontificator,” Says Mueller.

I called Robert Mueller’s office this morning to make a plea agreement with him on the Trump/Russia case.   The woman who answered the phone refused to let me talk to Mr. Mueller because I’m not in any way connected to Trump or anyone else involved in the case.    After I swore at her and insulted her lineage, she hung up on me.  I called back and told her if she continued to refuse to let me speak to Mueller I’d prank call her and all of her family every day for the next ten years.  She hung up on me again and now, wait til you hear this, a cop just came to my door with a restraining order ordering me to never call Mueller’s office or this woman again.   Unreal!  The persecution I face every day for being a self-awarded Nobel Prize winner is sickening.   I’m not going to let this rest.  Believe you me, I’ll have my vengeance on Mueller for ignoring me and this woman for hanging up on me if it’s the last thing I ever do!   I’m not sure yet how to go about it without getting arrested, but as soon as I figure something out, I’ll let everyone know.   Until then, remember, it’s now summertime in Australia, so not all is bad.

10 Lesser Known Sayings Of Christ

10.)  Always shop on the Wednesday after Thanksgiving, not Black Friday.  There are fewer people shopping then, and all the same sales are still in place.

09.)  I ordered this steak well done.  Take it back and do it right or I’ll turn you into a toad.   Naw, stop shakin’.  I’m just f**kin’ with ya’.

08.)   Yes, I was the one who allowed the Cubs to win the World Series in 2016.

07.)  If anyone spoils the plot to the new Star Wars movie for me before I see it, I’m sending ’em straight to Hell.

06.)   Donald Trump was my Pop’s idea of a mean joke.  I’ve had about enough of it already.  You?

05.)   No matter what you’ve read or where you’ve read it, snakes do not, can not, and never did, talk.

04.)  If your father ever asks you to be crucified so that other people’s sins can be forgiven, tell ’em to go f**k himself.

03.)  Churches would be far holier if they actually paid taxes.

02.)   If anyone sees Lazarus walking about, tell him to pay me the 60 grand he owes me.  What, did you think I brought people back from the dead for free?

01.)   Wish I could tell y’all otherwise, but having lots of money really does make life much easier.

Elf Claims Santa Sexually Harassed Her

Sara Tinsel, Christmas Elf

Santa’s Village, North Pole.   An elf named Sara Tinsel is claiming Santa has been sexually harassing her and many other elves for years.   “It’s terrible,” Ms Tinsel said earlier.  “Santa just started rubbing my shoulders late one night as I worked alone in his toy shop about 15 Christmases ago.   He said I looked tense and cold and that his big, gloved hands were just the things to loosen and warm me up.  He placed his mouth so close to my pointed ears when he said this I could smell the cinnamon on his breath.   I asked him to please stop, and, at first, he did.  But, then, just this last Christmas, he walked into the toy workshop wearing nothing but his red hat and his black boots while several of us elves were putting together Malibu Barbie play sets.   His snowballs were completely in view for all to see.   He walked around, checked our work, smiled, and then left without saying a word.

Most of my fellow elves have been afraid to speak out about this because, should we lose our jobs, it would be almost impossible for us to find new ones.  Who’s going to hire a bunch of three-foot, pointy-eared elves whose only skills involve toy-making and reindeer care?  Not anyone that I can think of.   However, I’ve had enough, and I’m reporting this in the hope that Santa becomes SO embarrassed by his actions that he ceases them immediately.   I hope it works.  He’s a great guy when it comes to giving kids toys, but that does not give him the right to treat us elves as his personal sex kittens.  And, if he does not stop, we will be filing a class action sexual harassment suit against him to make him stop.   Hope you all find time this season to have a very Merry Christmas and a blessed, harassment free, new year. “

Black Friday Files Discrimination Suit Against White Christmas

I Will Tolerate Discrimination No More

I Will Tolerate Discrimination No More

Black Friday has filed a discrimination suit against White Christmas stating White Christmas refuses to sit next to him on buses and trains during the cross-country tours the two make together yearly at this time. “I’ve had enough of his discriminatory crap,” an angry Black Friday told reporters today. “White Christmas thinks he can treat me however he wants simply because he’s a Sunday and White, and I’m a Friday and Black. He literally makes me sit at the back of any vehicle we ride in together, and he expects me to carry his luggage for him all the time too. For years now I’ve just done whatever he wanted because my self-esteem was very low. I’m a Friday in a Christian country. Fridays are not the most chipper days with the Christian faithful. Jesus was brutally tortured and crucified on one. Not exactly a ringing endorsement for day of the Christian week, eh?  One thing Fridays and the Jews have in common is that Christians blame us both for something we had absolutely nothing to do with, the horrific murder of Jesus.  As well, I’m African-American, and getting a fair deal in a country ruled by a powerful bigoted bunch of tight-ass wealthy white people is truly a mother fucking bitch. It’s hard to look on the bright side with stresses like that put on you just because of who you are.

Being Sued For Racial Discrimination

Being Sued For Racial Discrimination

It’s Sundays Christians most love in America, Sundays and things that are white. Jesus resurrected on that day, and all of Jesus’ worshipers gather on that day to kiss his ass for choosing to save them over blokes like me.  Just call something white, and it gets immediate acceptance in America. White picket fences around little white houses set next to snow-capped hills are things American fairy tales are written about.  But it’s all a bunch of shit made up to keep guys like me feeling guilty about wanting my fair share of the American pie.  So I’m taking White Christmas to court, and I’m calling him out for his bigotry and his racial discrimination against me.  I’m gonna make that bastard put my kids AND my grand kids through Harvard med school with the money I’m gonna get from him. We’ll see how superior he feels then. Bastard.”

I’m Sorry I was Naked When….

I’m Sorry I Was Naked When ….

1.)  …. I crawled into your parents bedroom window late one night to introduce myself as your fiance.

2.)  …. I delivered flowers to your 98-year-old grandmother at her nursing home on a sunny Summer day.

3.)  …. I played Santa one Christmas at a downtown dept store.

4.)  …. I applied for a job at the FBI building in New York in the middle of a blizzard a few years ago.

5.)  …. I borrowed your sister’s bike to ride around town with for a few hours and not returning it til the police told me I had to.

6.)  …. I showed up at your son’s Bar Mitzvah and asked if I could borrow some sugar.

7.)  …. I got pulled over for speeding and had to tell the cops I’d left my wallet at home.

8.)  …. I tried to hail a taxi in downtown Chicago at 4AM one winter night in ’97.

9.)  …. I tried to file a sexual harassment complaint against my fellow KFC workers during spring break from my classes at Harvard one year.

10.)  …. I showed up at a children’s birthday party in Chucky Cheese and demanded they give me a slice.