NRA City, California. The lord God of the USA, the NRA, today released a statement regarding the recent horrid ISIS attack on an Istanbul airport. “The problem with the attack today in Istanbul,” said NRA spokeswoman, I’neda Soul, “is that all of the people in the airport weren’t armed with guns. In America, we have the Second Amendment which allows our citizens to carry guns, like the AR-15, with them at all times. This is why terrorist activity and gun related deaths in the US are almost non-existent. We’re free here, in America, because we’re all armed. Once the rest of the world learns the value of a seriously armed populace, things like this bombing in Istanbul will cease to exist. We here in America will pray to Jesus for those who lost their lives in this preventable, Istanbul, tragedy, and we’ll also pray that people across the globe understand the value of placing guns into the hands of every man, woman and child on the planet. Until then, remember these words of Donald Trump, a god amongst men: “A free America, and a free world, is one were the Mexicans remain behind a big fuckin’ wall and everyone who isn’t Muslim is armed to the gills with death-dealing weapons. Amen”
As many who’ve followed my self-awarded, Nobel Prize winning work over the past 60 years know, I hate the French. I’ve never said why, but, after receiving close to 500,000 emails in the past 2 hours asking me for an explanation, I’ve decided to spill my guts on the matter. Here are my very valid reasons for hating the French.
1.) The Battle of Hastings. Need I say more? These bastards invaded England in 1066, and all but ruined the English language by injecting their fluffy one into it. Before The Battle of Hastings, a chair was simply called a sittin’ peg. Now we call sittin’ pegs “chairs”. Why? Because of the French and their highbrow, pansy-ass language. Screw that, man!
2.) Bread. Before the French decided to roll out bread dough into long, thin loaves, long thin bread was considered abhorrent, and those who made it were burned at the stake as witches. But, then, along come the goddamn French with their fancy-ass long loaves of bread they call “French Bread” and guess what? It becomes popular and desired. I cry FOUL on this one, you French, witch bastards! You may be able to fool others with your evil, witch ways and nasty, abhorrent, long-loafed bread, but you can’t pull the wool over this Nobel Prize Winner’s eyes. I’m onto you, and I’m watching you. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
3.) French Toast. This last one is simply the worse. Before the coming of the French, toast was just toast. Nothing fancy about it. You toasted some goddamn bread, buttered it, put jam on it, and ate the fuckin’ thing. But, of course, this wasn’t good enough for the French. No. They needed to dip bread in eggs first, put cinnamon on it, and fry it before eating it. AND, they, naturally, call this unnatural dish, “French” Toast. Fuck that! It’s just toast with eggs and cinnamon on it! How the hell is that “French”? Jesus, these people simply can’t touch ANYTHING without defiling it with their “French” ways! I HATE ’em! And now, I’m sure you do too. Thanks for reading, and remember, if you’re American, arm yourself. It’s your right and the only way to keep America free.
Bloodbath City, Idaho. Celebrate the Second Amendment and Freedom with the NRA this Fourth of July as they give out free guns to every American over the age of 5. “We at da NRA are proud ta be ‘Mericans,” said NRA spokesman, Shot’em Inda ‘Ead this morning. “So proud, in fact, dat we’ll be givin’ out guns ta everyone over 5 years ‘o age dis Fourth ‘o July at Christian churches all ‘cross ‘Merica! Der ain’t no better way ta be free dan fer everyone over 5 ta be armed wit guns. No better way ta keep our womenz from bein’ raped ‘n beaten by Obama dan ta be armed! Armed iz free! Free iz armed! ‘N only glorified sissies ‘n terrorists tink odderwize. So, dat’s dat. Go ta yer friggin’ neighborhood Christian church on da Fourth, git yer free gun, ‘n kill a terrorist in celebration ov God, da Second Amendment, ‘n, most ‘portantly, FREEDOM!!! Amen.”
Tea Land, England. Prince Charles today declared war on America and vowed to choke it dead in Darth Vader-like style. “The Yanks have yet to answer for the shite they pulled against Britain in the late 18th century,” Prince Charles said earlier. “They declared their independence from us and fought a bloody war against us with the help of our bitter enemies, the French, to achieve it. How dare they! I say, to hell with them! It’s time we British regain control of our petulant colonies by going over there and kicking some bloody Yankee ass. Let’s do to them what Darth Vader almost did to the Rebel Alliance: choke the bastards dead. I plan on invading America Thursday next. So, I expect the entire British military to be ready to die on my command on that day. God save the Queen!”
When asked for a comment on Prince Charles’ war declaration, British Prime Minister, David Cameron, had this to say: “Oh, that’s our Charles, silly and sometimes boisterous, but completely without power of any kind. Simply pay him no mind. He’ll soon forget all about this little tantrum and go back to being the nice granddaddy that he is.”
Hi, ebryone, I’m J..osh, ‘n I’m a Chriztion, I’m neeked, ‘n I’m drunk ‘cauze I drunk a ton ‘o beerz dis mornin’. BURP! I’m here ta tellz ya ’bout a guy who…BURP!..iz always walkin’…be..BURP!..hind ya. ‘Ez a GREAAAAT guy, too, ‘n ‘iz name ‘iz…wait…’iz name iz….Jimmy? Naw, dat guy was my college roomie but ‘e wasn’t like da guy walkin’ wit ya when yer…BURP!!…in need ov a godly brewskee. Dat guyz name iz…Oh, right, ‘ez Jezuz! He got..murdered ‘n wanted to ‘n then ‘e….whad ‘e do now? Oh, right! ‘E came back ta life…’n ‘e waz a zombie, ‘n ‘e….BURP!!!…No, wait. I’m thinkin’ ov dat AMC show wit zombies, Da Walkin’ Fred. Dat ain’t Jezuz. Jezuz iz a…BELCH! George Romero creation ‘n ‘e kin only die if ya shoot ’em in da ‘ead. But, ‘ez always wit ya, ‘n if ya needs ’em, juz look behind ya, ‘n he’ll be der wit an open beer fer ya…BURP!…datz da shit I’m talkin’ ’bout, man! Datz da shit! See ya’z later, I gotta go worshup da porcelain goddess. BURP!
Here are a few quotes from The Bible many folks have never heard of because I just made them up.
1.) And Jesus said unto the pizza delivery boy, “I’m not paying for this, dude! It’s got anchovies on it. I specifically said NO anchovies. Bring it back, and bring me what I ordered or I’ll tell my Pops on ya.” Mark 45:32-33
2.) And Yahweh said to Jesus, “Yep. I’m you and your me, and the Holy Spirit is you and me, too. We’re all three, one. Why is this so hard for you to understand?” Matthew 12:66-67
3.) “Obi-Wan, is Darth Vader really my father?” Luke 22:15
4.) The Prophet Greg cried out into the heavens, “OUCH! There’s a friggin’ rock in my sandal! Everyone who’s gathered here to hear my prophecies is gonna have to come back tomorrow. I simply can’t work under these conditions.” Jeremiah 12:78
5.) Pontius Pilate, upon his first arrival into Judaea, heard a man from the crowd that had gathered to greet him cry out,”Christ, Pilate, what the fuck did you do to get sent all the way out here, screw the Emperor’s wife?!” John 54:21-22