Happy Valentine’s Day To My 7 Billion Subscribers

Happy Valentine’s Day To All My Blogging Pals!  I Love You All So Much My Heart Has Split In Two For You!  But Worry Not.  I’ve Stitched It Back Together, And I’m Fine.  I’m Just Looking For Someone To Sew It Back Into My Chest, So If You Know Of Any Good Surgeons,  Send ‘Em My Way.


Happy Valentine’s Day From Aquaman


aqua jesus

Hi peeps.  Aquaman here.  I’ve come by to wish everyone a happy Valentine’s Day from under the deep, blue sea.   I know what you’re all thinking, “Aquaman, what the f##k’s up with that long-ass beard and those shades?”  Well, let me tell you.  I grew this beard in order to attract these tiny crab-like crustaceans that my girlfriend, Mera, loves to eat.  I give them to her as a Valentine’s Day gift practically every year.  Here’s how it works.  I simply lay back on the ocean floor and thousands of the little buggers crawl up into my beard.  Then, because they often spit venom in your face when disturbed, I put on these sexy-ass shades to protect my eyes, stand up, and comb my beard out over a huge, empty snail-shell.  Once the shell is filled with the critters, I smash the f##k out of them with my powerful trident, spread them onto some sandwich bread, and bring them to my love, Mera, to eat.   She absolutely loves ’em!  Well, I’m off to catch me some crustaceans.  Have a great V-Day, y’all.

A Valentine To My Lover, Vladimir


Oh, my love!

How my heart does


Whenever I smell the

Sweet scent

Of your

Manly flesh


My love,

Complete me

Yours is the

Biglyest, kindlyest, huuggeesst


That ever has lived ever

You have my undying

Trust and



Thank you my

Russian lover

For making me into the



I’ve now become

I’m yours

Body, mind, and soul

Today, tomorrow, and


Love always,


It’s Jesus VS Jesus, So Cry Havoc! And Let Slip The Dogs Of War!

Lutheran Jesus

Lutheran Jesus

Catholic Jesus

Catholic Jesus

Attention all Catholics and Lutherans! The battle you’ve all been dreaming about for almost 500 years will finally take place this Friday, Valentines Day, in a 6′ by 6′ locked steel cage, in a CVS parking lot in Gary, Indiana. It will be televised live on HBO and is a MUST see for all MMA and “snuff” film fans. Lutheran Jesus, generally thought of as the “Resurrected” Jesus, symbolized by an empty cross, will fight Catholic Jesus, generally thought of as the “Suffering” Jesus, symbolized by a cross with Christ nailed to it, writhing in agony, waiting to die. The two Jesuses will fight to the death locked inside a 6′ by 6′ steel cage with hammers, axes, knives, chain saws, and 9″ nails to use as weapons to determine which of them is the TRUE Jesus, and which is the imposter. Two Christs will enter, but only one will leave.

Lutheran Jesus and Catholic Jesus agree, quite strongly, that the other Jesuses in the world, Presbyterian Jesus and Methodist Jesus, to name two, are inferior Jesuses to both of them. This, they say, is because Catholic Jesus was the first and only Jesus with true power until Lutheran Jesus came into being and gained power, as well, some 1500 years later. Every other Jesus who’s popped up since then is merely imitating Lutheran Jesus and has no legitimate claim to the title of TRUE Jesus, the two say. They have also sworn an oath to each other that whosoever wins the battle will summarily seek out and kill all other Jesuses, and all those who follow them. So if you are one of those “other” Jesuses, or one of their followers, you may want to do some converting right about now to even your post fight chances of survival from 0 to an even 50/50. The future of all of Christendom is at stake with this fight, as well as the lives of millions of people. So be sure and watch “Jesus vs Jesus” on HBO this Valentines Day. It’s a fight you’ll literally be dying to see who wins.

I’m Going To Eat Alex Jones On Valentines Day

As some of you may already know, I am an a-theist cannibal who is driven by evil and sick impulses which I simply let run wild due to the fact I do not believe in Jesus. There is no better way to enjoy my a-theistic depravity than by consuming the flesh of Christian whack-jobs like Ken Ham and others like him who’ve deliberately and proudly chosen to be stupid, arrogant idiots. I’m saving Ken Ham to consume for my Easter dinner, as ham is more of a traditional Easter meal.

My Valentines Day Meal, Alex Jones

My Valentines Day Meal, Alex Jones

In the mean time, however, I’ve decided to eat conspiracy whack-job and jackass extraordinaire, Alex Jones, this coming Valentines Day. He REALLY annoys the shit out of me. Therefor, I’m going to boil him slowly alive in cooking oil for 8 hours, after first removing his tongue, Achilles tendons, and eye lids. I’m removing his tongue so I won’t have to listen to him scream while he boils, and I don’t want him running away, so I’m removing his Achilles tendons. His eyelids I’m removing because I want him watching every step of the cooking process I’ll be using on him right up to the moment he finally dies, which usually happens in or around hour six of the boiling process. Nothing conspiratorial here, just good ‘ole fashion cannibal cookin’ and flesh eatin’. Yummy, yum, yum, yum!

Man-Size Pot Of Boiling Oil

Man-Size Pot Of Boiling Oil

For those of you who may not know who Jones is, he runs a website called, “Alex Jones Infowars,” and has a YouTube channel devoted to his unimaginative and intellectually insulting conspiracy theories. He believes “evil” dark forces within the U.S. Government are responsible for 9/11 and, even more insultingly ignorant, The Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting which happened just over a year ago. Here’s a brief YouTube video with my future Valentines Day meal conspiring away on Sandy Hook and a few other similar tragic shootings: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1XdTHuidmXE.  This guy is a douche bag wrapped inside a shit-filled diaper. There is a price for deliberately choosing to be a stupid, moronic idiot and loudly sharing this information with the world. And that price is me.

Mr. Jones, the only conspiracy going on is the one YOU are part of. You, sir, are part of a conspiratorial group of ignorant, uneducated, proudly stupid, lazy idiots, who’ve invaded my country with the intent of spreading your mindless, painfully annoying, hypotheses to others like an outbreak of bubonic plague. I’m going to eat you, Alex Jones, like I eat all those who I find offensive to humanity’s betterment. I’m going to boil you, slowly alive in oil, and then eat you. And what of you I don’t eat, I’ll feed to my dog.

My Dog Loves "People" Food

My Dog Loves “People” Food Too

I can do this because, as a Christ-less a-theist, I’ve no decent morals. I act on all the sick impulses I have churning deep within my godless being without guilt or shame of any kind. I love cannibalizing people like you, Alex Jones, at least on this blog, I do. So I’ll see you soon, Alex Jones, because I’m very, very hungry, and I MUST eat someone soon or I’ll simply go MAD!