Hi peeps. Aquaman here. I’ve come by to wish everyone a happy Valentine’s Day from under the deep, blue sea. I know what you’re all thinking, “Aquaman, what the f##k’s up with that long-ass beard and those shades?” Well, let me tell you. I grew this beard in order to attract these tiny crab-like crustaceans that my girlfriend, Mera, loves to eat. I give them to her as a Valentine’s Day gift practically every year. Here’s how it works. I simply lay back on the ocean floor and thousands of the little buggers crawl up into my beard. Then, because they often spit venom in your face when disturbed, I put on these sexy-ass shades to protect my eyes, stand up, and comb my beard out over a huge, empty snail-shell. Once the shell is filled with the critters, I smash the f##k out of them with my powerful trident, spread them onto some sandwich bread, and bring them to my love, Mera, to eat. She absolutely loves ’em! Well, I’m off to catch me some crustaceans. Have a great V-Day, y’all.
Oh, my love!
How my heart does
Whenever I smell the
Yours is the
Biglyest, kindlyest, huuggeesst
That ever has lived ever
You have my undying
Thank you my
For making me into the
I’ve now become
Body, mind, and soul
Today, tomorrow, and
Lutheran Jesus and Catholic Jesus agree, quite strongly, that the other Jesuses in the world, Presbyterian Jesus and Methodist Jesus, to name two, are inferior Jesuses to both of them. This, they say, is because Catholic Jesus was the first and only Jesus with true power until Lutheran Jesus came into being and gained power, as well, some 1500 years later. Every other Jesus who’s popped up since then is merely imitating Lutheran Jesus and has no legitimate claim to the title of TRUE Jesus, the two say. They have also sworn an oath to each other that whosoever wins the battle will summarily seek out and kill all other Jesuses, and all those who follow them. So if you are one of those “other” Jesuses, or one of their followers, you may want to do some converting right about now to even your post fight chances of survival from 0 to an even 50/50. The future of all of Christendom is at stake with this fight, as well as the lives of millions of people. So be sure and watch “Jesus vs Jesus” on HBO this Valentines Day. It’s a fight you’ll literally be dying to see who wins.
As some of you may already know, I am an a-theist cannibal who is driven by evil and sick impulses which I simply let run wild due to the fact I do not believe in Jesus. There is no better way to enjoy my a-theistic depravity than by consuming the flesh of Christian whack-jobs like Ken Ham and others like him who’ve deliberately and proudly chosen to be stupid, arrogant idiots. I’m saving Ken Ham to consume for my Easter dinner, as ham is more of a traditional Easter meal.
In the mean time, however, I’ve decided to eat conspiracy whack-job and jackass extraordinaire, Alex Jones, this coming Valentines Day. He REALLY annoys the shit out of me. Therefor, I’m going to boil him slowly alive in cooking oil for 8 hours, after first removing his tongue, Achilles tendons, and eye lids. I’m removing his tongue so I won’t have to listen to him scream while he boils, and I don’t want him running away, so I’m removing his Achilles tendons. His eyelids I’m removing because I want him watching every step of the cooking process I’ll be using on him right up to the moment he finally dies, which usually happens in or around hour six of the boiling process. Nothing conspiratorial here, just good ‘ole fashion cannibal cookin’ and flesh eatin’. Yummy, yum, yum, yum!
For those of you who may not know who Jones is, he runs a website called, “Alex Jones Infowars,” and has a YouTube channel devoted to his unimaginative and intellectually insulting conspiracy theories. He believes “evil” dark forces within the U.S. Government are responsible for 9/11 and, even more insultingly ignorant, The Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting which happened just over a year ago. Here’s a brief YouTube video with my future Valentines Day meal conspiring away on Sandy Hook and a few other similar tragic shootings: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1XdTHuidmXE. This guy is a douche bag wrapped inside a shit-filled diaper. There is a price for deliberately choosing to be a stupid, moronic idiot and loudly sharing this information with the world. And that price is me.
Mr. Jones, the only conspiracy going on is the one YOU are part of. You, sir, are part of a conspiratorial group of ignorant, uneducated, proudly stupid, lazy idiots, who’ve invaded my country with the intent of spreading your mindless, painfully annoying, hypotheses to others like an outbreak of bubonic plague. I’m going to eat you, Alex Jones, like I eat all those who I find offensive to humanity’s betterment. I’m going to boil you, slowly alive in oil, and then eat you. And what of you I don’t eat, I’ll feed to my dog.
I can do this because, as a Christ-less a-theist, I’ve no decent morals. I act on all the sick impulses I have churning deep within my godless being without guilt or shame of any kind. I love cannibalizing people like you, Alex Jones, at least on this blog, I do. So I’ll see you soon, Alex Jones, because I’m very, very hungry, and I MUST eat someone soon or I’ll simply go MAD!