Hi peeps. Aquaman here. I’ve come by to wish everyone a happy Valentine’s Day from under the deep, blue sea. I know what you’re all thinking, “Aquaman, what the f##k’s up with that long-ass beard and those shades?” Well, let me tell you. I grew this beard in order to attract these tiny crab-like crustaceans that my girlfriend, Mera, loves to eat. I give them to her as a Valentine’s Day gift practically every year. Here’s how it works. I simply lay back on the ocean floor and thousands of the little buggers crawl up into my beard. Then, because they often spit venom in your face when disturbed, I put on these sexy-ass shades to protect my eyes, stand up, and comb my beard out over a huge, empty snail-shell. Once the shell is filled with the critters, I smash the f##k out of them with my powerful trident, spread them onto some sandwich bread, and bring them to my love, Mera, to eat. She absolutely loves ’em! Well, I’m off to catch me some crustaceans. Have a great V-Day, y’all.
You know what really sucks? When you buy a new superhero suit and they forget to tell you it will shrink if you get it wet. I’m AQUAMAN! I live under water. Why in Neptune’s name would I want a suit that you can’t get wet? If they don’t give me my money back, I’m gonna toss me a damned hissy-fit to end all hissy-fits! Harrumph!
As if 2016 hasn’t sucked enough already, Carrie Fisher, Princess Leia from Star Wars, passed away today at the young age of 60. She suffered a massive heart attack a few days ago and died earlier today. I was 13 in 1977 when I saw Star Wars for the first time. To this day, it is the single greatest movie-going experience I’ve ever had. My young heart also fell in love with Carrie Fisher that day. I loved her portrayal of Princess Leia. She was strong, powerful, brave, and beautiful all at the same time. I’ve grown up with Star Wars. It has been a significant part of my life for almost 40 years now. I’m deeply saddened by this news and, though I didn’t know her personally, I will miss Carrie Fisher greatly. The world was better with her in it. Rest in peace, Sweet Princess, and May the Force Be with You.
Special thanks to my pal over at Precinct 1313 for making me a special agent. Now, if only the Nobel Prize Committee would finally give me my self-awarded Nobel Prize, I could die a happy man.
If you’re a fan of DC Comics and/or Superheros in general, make sure to stop by https://precinct1313.wordpress.com/2016/12/01/precinct1313s-special-agent-awards/ for some fun, informative reading.
Chocolate Factory City, New Jersey. An Oompa Loompa named Barton Banger claimed today to be the illegitimate son of Donald Trump. “Yep. The Donald is most definitely my Pops,” Mr. Banger said earlier. “He and my moms met during the filming of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory back in the early 70’s. Donald was eventually fired from the movie because of his freakishly tall height. The producers said he looked ridiculous next to the other Oompa Loompas during the film’s song and dance routines, so they fired him. Any-who, that’s how I came to be. He and my moms had a quick fling, he got fired, and she never saw him again. I figure it’s time now to claim my share of the Trump fortune, so I’m coming out about my true identity. Also, I’ve always wanted to live in the White House, and hopefully, when my Pops becomes President, he’ll let me move into it with him. Gotta run now, I’ve got chocolate shimmering on the stove, and I don’t want to over cook it.”