A Hulk Rant On Donald Trump

Hulk angry!  Hulk’s President is stupid, dumb orange man, Donald Trump.  Hulk doesn’t like stupid orange man.   Orange man has no respect for women.  Orange man thinks he can grab women by women’s private parts just cause orange man is famous.  ORANGE MAN BAD!!! Hulk SMASH stupid orange man!!!  Orange man give huge tax breaks to his billionaire friends by taking money from poor, old and sick people.  HULK HATE STUPID ORANGE MAN!!!  Stupid people voted for stupid orange man!  Hulk not smart, but Hulk smart enough to know orange man is bad and hurts good people.  Hulk good, so Hulk didn’t vote for stupid orange man.   Stupid orange man voters are bad just like stupid orange man!!!  Orange man call Asian man with bad haircut silly names.  Now Asian man with bad haircut might drop huge bomb on Hulk and people Hulk loves.  HULK HATES STUPID ORANGE MAN!!!  Hulk must go now because stupid orange man make Hulk sick, and Hulk need to rest.  Hulk hope stupid orange man go away soon.  Hulk can’t take much more of this!!  AAARRRGH!!!

 

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Ask The Batman

Hi Batman. My name is Ronald Rodslimp Wrinkleberry. I’m 24 years old, and I’ve a question for you. For some reason, girls don’t seem to take a hankerin’ to me. I try very hard to get them to notice me, but they act as if I’m not even there. I’m thinking of becoming a crime-fighting vigilante, like you, in order to make myself more attractive and noticeable to girls. Can you please give me some tips on how to do this, as I really have no idea where to begin. Thanks.

 

Thanks for your question, Ronald. Unfortunately, because of multiple lawsuits I’m currently involved in, I can’t answer your question.  But, I can say this.  Give up on trying so hard to get girls to be interested in you.  I’m a dark, disturbed, bad-ass of a billionaire who gets babes to fall all over him like drops of rain on a Spring morning.  You’re nothing like me, and no amount of crime-fighting advice is gonna change that.  So, just be yourself; enjoy your comics and your video games, and stop pestering girls.  They really don’t like it.  OK?    Sincerely, The Batman

Happy Valentine’s Day From Aquaman

 

aqua jesus

Hi peeps.  Aquaman here.  I’ve come by to wish everyone a happy Valentine’s Day from under the deep, blue sea.   I know what you’re all thinking, “Aquaman, what the f##k’s up with that long-ass beard and those shades?”  Well, let me tell you.  I grew this beard in order to attract these tiny crab-like crustaceans that my girlfriend, Mera, loves to eat.  I give them to her as a Valentine’s Day gift practically every year.  Here’s how it works.  I simply lay back on the ocean floor and thousands of the little buggers crawl up into my beard.  Then, because they often spit venom in your face when disturbed, I put on these sexy-ass shades to protect my eyes, stand up, and comb my beard out over a huge, empty snail-shell.  Once the shell is filled with the critters, I smash the f##k out of them with my powerful trident, spread them onto some sandwich bread, and bring them to my love, Mera, to eat.   She absolutely loves ’em!  Well, I’m off to catch me some crustaceans.  Have a great V-Day, y’all.

A Complaint From Aquaman

aquaman67

You know what really sucks?  When you buy a new superhero suit and they forget to tell you it will shrink if you get it wet.  I’m AQUAMAN!  I live under water.  Why in Neptune’s name would I want a suit that you can’t get wet?  If they don’t give me my money back, I’m gonna toss me a damned hissy-fit to end all hissy-fits!  Harrumph!

A Request From Prince Namor, The Sub-Mariner

Hi.  Prince Namor, the Sub-Mariner, here.   Before I get started, let me warn everyone reading this, I'm VERY sensitive about 2 things: The tiny wings on my feet, and the big, pointy crown on my head.  Make fun of them, or giggle at them, and I'll stick my big-ass scepter up your tushy.  So, no laughing.  Now, on to business.  As many of you may know, I live underwater in the Kingdom of Atlantis.  Yes, Atlantis, remember now, no laughing.  Thing is, in Atlantis, the only thing we wear are s

Hi. Prince Namor, the Sub-Mariner, here.  Before I get started, let me just warn everyone that I’m VERY sensitive about a few things: the tiny wings on my feet, the big, pointy crown on my head, and people thinking I’m a dandy because I’m dressed in this tiny Speedo.  Make fun of these things, or giggle at me in any way because of them, and I’ll stick my big-ass scepter up your tiny tushy.  So, no laughing.  Now, on to my request.  As many of you may know, I live underwater in the Kingdom of Atlantis.  Oh, no laughing about that either.  I live in Atlantis and I’m a Prince.  Deal with it.  But I digress.  My purpose for coming here today is to ask people who swim in the ocean to please stop peeing in it.  I LIVE IN IT, PEOPLE!  Do I come into your home and pee in it?  Of course not.  So, please, stop peeing in mine.  It’s friggin’ gross.  Thanks, and have a nice day.

Goodnight Sweet Princess

Carrie Fisher. Born: October 21st, 1956 Died: December 27th, 2016

Carrie Fisher–Born: October 21st, 1956
Died: December 27th, 2016

As if 2016 hasn’t sucked enough already, Carrie Fisher, Princess Leia from Star Wars, passed away today at the young age of 60.   She suffered a massive heart attack a few days ago and died earlier today.  I was 13 in 1977 when I saw Star Wars for the first time.   To this day, it is the single greatest movie-going experience I’ve ever had.  My young heart also fell in love with Carrie Fisher that day.  I loved her portrayal of Princess Leia.  She was strong, powerful, brave, and beautiful all at the same time.   I’ve grown up with Star Wars.  It has been a significant part of my life for almost 40 years now.   I’m deeply saddened by this news and, though I didn’t know her personally, I will miss Carrie Fisher greatly.  The world was better with her in it.  Rest in peace, Sweet Princess, and May the Force Be with You.

 

I’m Now A Special Agent

sa-inspired

Special thanks to my pal over at Precinct 1313 for making me a special agent.  Now, if only the Nobel Prize Committee would finally give me my self-awarded Nobel Prize, I could die a happy man.

If you’re a fan of DC Comics and/or Superheros in general, make sure to stop by https://precinct1313.wordpress.com/2016/12/01/precinct1313s-special-agent-awards/ for some fun, informative reading.