Happy Valentine’s Day From Aquaman

 

aqua jesus

Hi peeps.  Aquaman here.  I’ve come by to wish everyone a happy Valentine’s Day from under the deep, blue sea.   I know what you’re all thinking, “Aquaman, what the f##k’s up with that long-ass beard and those shades?”  Well, let me tell you.  I grew this beard in order to attract these tiny crab-like crustaceans that my girlfriend, Mera, loves to eat.  I give them to her as a Valentine’s Day gift practically every year.  Here’s how it works.  I simply lay back on the ocean floor and thousands of the little buggers crawl up into my beard.  Then, because they often spit venom in your face when disturbed, I put on these sexy-ass shades to protect my eyes, stand up, and comb my beard out over a huge, empty snail-shell.  Once the shell is filled with the critters, I smash the f##k out of them with my powerful trident, spread them onto some sandwich bread, and bring them to my love, Mera, to eat.   She absolutely loves ’em!  Well, I’m off to catch me some crustaceans.  Have a great V-Day, y’all.

A Complaint From Aquaman

aquaman67

You know what really sucks?  When you buy a new superhero suit and they forget to tell you it will shrink if you get it wet.  I’m AQUAMAN!  I live under water.  Why in Neptune’s name would I want a suit that you can’t get wet?  If they don’t give me my money back, I’m gonna toss me a damned hissy-fit to end all hissy-fits!  Harrumph!

A Request From Prince Namor, The Sub-Mariner

Hi.  Prince Namor, the Sub-Mariner, here.   Before I get started, let me warn everyone reading this, I'm VERY sensitive about 2 things: The tiny wings on my feet, and the big, pointy crown on my head.  Make fun of them, or giggle at them, and I'll stick my big-ass scepter up your tushy.  So, no laughing.  Now, on to business.  As many of you may know, I live underwater in the Kingdom of Atlantis.  Yes, Atlantis, remember now, no laughing.  Thing is, in Atlantis, the only thing we wear are s

Hi. Prince Namor, the Sub-Mariner, here.  Before I get started, let me just warn everyone that I’m VERY sensitive about a few things: the tiny wings on my feet, the big, pointy crown on my head, and people thinking I’m a dandy because I’m dressed in this tiny Speedo.  Make fun of these things, or giggle at me in any way because of them, and I’ll stick my big-ass scepter up your tiny tushy.  So, no laughing.  Now, on to my request.  As many of you may know, I live underwater in the Kingdom of Atlantis.  Oh, no laughing about that either.  I live in Atlantis and I’m a Prince.  Deal with it.  But I digress.  My purpose for coming here today is to ask people who swim in the ocean to please stop peeing in it.  I LIVE IN IT, PEOPLE!  Do I come into your home and pee in it?  Of course not.  So, please, stop peeing in mine.  It’s friggin’ gross.  Thanks, and have a nice day.

Goodnight Sweet Princess

Carrie Fisher. Born: October 21st, 1956 Died: December 27th, 2016

Carrie Fisher–Born: October 21st, 1956
Died: December 27th, 2016

As if 2016 hasn’t sucked enough already, Carrie Fisher, Princess Leia from Star Wars, passed away today at the young age of 60.   She suffered a massive heart attack a few days ago and died earlier today.  I was 13 in 1977 when I saw Star Wars for the first time.   To this day, it is the single greatest movie-going experience I’ve ever had.  My young heart also fell in love with Carrie Fisher that day.  I loved her portrayal of Princess Leia.  She was strong, powerful, brave, and beautiful all at the same time.   I’ve grown up with Star Wars.  It has been a significant part of my life for almost 40 years now.   I’m deeply saddened by this news and, though I didn’t know her personally, I will miss Carrie Fisher greatly.  The world was better with her in it.  Rest in peace, Sweet Princess, and May the Force Be with You.

 

I’m Now A Special Agent

sa-inspired

Special thanks to my pal over at Precinct 1313 for making me a special agent.  Now, if only the Nobel Prize Committee would finally give me my self-awarded Nobel Prize, I could die a happy man.

If you’re a fan of DC Comics and/or Superheros in general, make sure to stop by https://precinct1313.wordpress.com/2016/12/01/precinct1313s-special-agent-awards/ for some fun, informative reading.

Donald Trump Is My Pops, Claims Oompa Loompa

Is This Man Donald Trump's Illegitimate Son?

Is This Man Donald Trump’s Illegitimate Son?

Chocolate Factory City, New Jersey.    An Oompa Loompa named Barton Banger claimed today to be the illegitimate son of Donald Trump.   “Yep.  The Donald is most definitely my Pops,” Mr. Banger said earlier.  “He and my moms met during the filming of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory back in the early 70’s.   Donald was eventually fired from the movie because of his freakishly tall height.  The producers said he looked ridiculous next to the other Oompa Loompas during the film’s song and dance routines, so they fired him.  Any-who, that’s how I came to be.  He and my moms had a quick fling, he got fired, and she never saw him again.  I figure it’s time now to claim my share of the Trump fortune, so I’m coming out about my true identity.   Also, I’ve always wanted to live in the White House, and hopefully, when my Pops becomes President, he’ll let me move into it with him.  Gotta run now, I’ve got chocolate shimmering on the stove, and I don’t want to over cook it.”

Human Torch Talks About A Very Personal Issue

Human Torch here, folks.  I've got a problem I need to talk about.  I love beans-all kinds of beans, pinto, chili, baked, and kidney.  Thing is, they give me brutal gas, and, being a dude who makes his living by being a....well,,,,a human torch, this has

Human Torch here, folks. I’ve got a problem I need to talk about. I love beans-all kinds of beans, pinto, chili, baked, and kidney. Thing is, they give me brutal gas, and, being a dude who makes his living by being a…well…a human torch, this has caused me great grief over the years.  Once, when I was rescuing a cat that had climbed into a tree, I blasted a huge fart which caused a massive blue flame to shoot out of my flaming ass.  The flame flew into an old folks home that was across the street from me and set off the sprinkler system.  Dozens of old folks had to run out of their beds in the middle of the night, soaking wet, and stand in the freezing cold until the fire department came and gave the all clear for them to go back inside.  When the fire chief asked me if I knew what had caused the sprinkler system to activate, I shrugged my flaming shoulders and said, “Nope.  All I know is, it had nothing to do with me.”  So, the next time you’re feeling down and think your life is tough, think of me, my bean addiction, and my flaming ass.  I guarantee you, you’ll see how your problems pale in comparison to mine.  Have a great day, and thanks for listening.