Creationist Proves Science Full Of Poo-Poo

Immaterial City, Louisianan.     In stunning news today, Creationist and boys gym instructor, Arnold B. Crappin released a statement saying he’s proven science is stupid and only an idiot would think otherwise.  “Science is not only the tool of Satan,” Mr. B. Crappin said this morning, “it’s an outright fabricated bunch of poo-poo.  I have undeniable proof of this in the fabricated, photo-shopped pictures of “Pluto” NASA has recently released.  NASA claims a spacecraft swooped by Pluto and took the picture below.

Photo-Shopped Picture Of An Egg NASA Claims Is Pluto

Photo-Shopped Picture Of An Egg NASA Claims To Be “Pluto”

Creationism has finally found the last nail to drive into the casket of the stupid bologna known as science.  The above picture is so OBVIOUSLY fake, it is almost laughable.  It is very clearly a photo-shopped, and badly photo-shopped at that, picture of an egg that the ding-bats at NASA want us to believe is Pluto.   Do they REALLY expect normal, intelligent Christians to believe a “spacecraft” flew through space for nine years to take this picture?  How bloody stupid do they think we are?  Not even God could create a ship that could do that.  It is just ignorant and rude to think otherwise.

As final proof the pictures NASA is releasing are fake, I present the following photograph of the REAL Pluto.

The Real Pluto

The Real Pluto

Oopszilla, NASA!  You’ve been caught with your lying pants down this time.  EVERYONE knows the REAL Pluto is Mickey Mouse’s dog and lives with him in Disney Land, not a planetoid floating around in space billions of miles away.  The evidence I’ve presented here is irrefutable proof that science is a lie and full of poo-poo.  If you think otherwise, well….well, you’re a stupid, unimaginative atheist.  ‘Nuff said.”

Scent Of Ham: The Ken Ham Cologne

Who Wouldn't Want To Think And Smell Like Ken Ham?

Who Wouldn’t Want To Think And Smell Like This Guy?

Men, would you like to attract women by emitting the scent of a Bronze Age Biblical writer? Women, would you find yourselves more eager to flop down and open your thighs for men if they smelled like Bronze Age Biblical writers? If you answered yes to these questions, then TACP store has just the product for you: Scent of Ham. A cologne that is guaranteed to make its wearer not only smell like Ken Ham, but think like him as well. Never before has there been a cologne that can reduce a man’s frontal cortex to the size of an amoeba while making his sweat glands as big as golf balls with one simple application. With one spray of Scent of Ham, even Richard Dawkins would be willing to stake his life on the fact the Earth is only 6000 years old and evolution is an atheist plot meant to prepare the world for the Anti-Christ. The primitive, manly aroma of Scent of Ham is so powerful, it can revive the sex drives of women who have been dead for centuries. They will literally leap from their graves as men wearing it pass by so they can get a better whiff before returning to the cold, dank earth. Buy a bottle now, while supplies last, and receive a free Crucifix, molded directly from the fossilized poop of a T-Rex, absolutely free!

I got A Ken Ham Race To Reality Board Game For Christmas

 Help Ken Ham Get Through The Jurassic Era To Reality

Help Ken Ham Get Through The Jurassic Era To Reality

Yesterday, Santa brought me the brand new, just released “Ken Ham Race To Reality Board Game.” It’s awesome. It comes with 4 Ken Ham figures, 6 T-Rex figures, a Jesus action figure, armed with an M-16, and a Mohammed action figure armed with a Koran and 2 commercial airline tickets. Here’s how you play the game. You lay out the Jurassic Era game board and place the Ken Ham figures in the “Creation Museum” section. Then you, and up to 3 other players, take turns rolling the enclosed dice. What ever number you roll is how many places forward you move your Ken Ham figure. The goal is to reach Richard Dawkins’ House on the other side of the board without landing on a T-Rex square and getting eaten, or landing on a Mohammed square and getting forced into an airplane during a Jihad attack before you get there.

Help Ken Ham Get To Reality And Keep Him Smiling

Keep Ken Smiling By Getting Him Safely Through The Game

If Mohammed does get you or you are eaten by a T-Rex, you have to draw Bible cards, included with the game, each time your turn comes up until you get one that says,”Jesus saves!” You then simply have Jesus sacrifice himself and take Ken’s place with Mohammed or inside the T-Rex’s stomach.

Get Jesus To Sacrifice Himself If Ken Gets Taken

Get Jesus To Sacrifice Himself And Take Ken’s Place

You can only do this twice during the game, however, before you’re considered an irredeemable Creationist and sent back to the museum permanently. Sounds like hours of fun, eh?  I’m going to play the game tonight with some of my a-theist, amoral, cannibal friends while we dine on Christian infants and drink the blood of Christian virgins.

The Arm Chair Pontificator Proudly Presents: An Interview With God

God Reflects On The Utter Idiocy Of Man

God Reflecting On The Utter Idiocy Of Man

A re-post of an oldie but goodie.

God stopped by TACP office this morning desperately needing to use the bathroom.  I told him he could use ours if he’d let me interview him when he was finished, and he agreed.  Here, then, is the first ever interview God has given to anyone since time began. If this doesn’t get me a Nobel Prize AND a Pulitzer, something is seriously rotten in the State of Denmark.

Me: “God, before we begin, I have to ask, did you flush the toilet and wash your hands when you were finished? I don’t want to catch anything.”

God: “Don’t fuck with me, Pontificator. You’re on thin ice with me as it is already!”

Me: “Sorry, God. Won’t happen again.  Now for a question.  Theists tell us we are the reason for which you created this entire universe.  If so, then why did you wait 13.7 billion years AFTER you created it to create us?”

God: “Really? It was THAT long? Didn’t seem like it. Time does fly, eh?  I had planned on making humans BEFORE the dinosaurs, I remember, but I mistakenly brought the dinosaur creation instructions to work that day, and was too tired to drive back home to get the human ones.  So I just made the dinosaurs first.  OK, time for one more question then I’m off to the movies to see, ‘The Hobbit: Battle of The Five Armies.’ I just LOVE Tolkien. So imaginative, he is.”

Me: “God, why did you send your only begotten son, Jesus, to be tortured and killed for our horrific sins when you could’ve just told us yourself you forgave us? You are, after all, God, right?”

God: “I sent my only begotten son to be tortured and killed? Who told you that, Jesus?”

Me: “Well, his disciples said so, and then a bit later, St. Paul, like, went ape-shit about the whole thing. So much so in fact, that some theologians say there’d be no Christianity without him.”

God: “Let me get this right. You’re telling me some dudes Jesus used to fish with started saying I sent him to Earth to be brutally tortured and killed for mankind’s sins. Then, to top it off, you’re saying this St. Paul guy preached so prolifically and widely about it that he was able to create a world-wide religion that’s now lasted 2000 years? And all without a single fucking person ever stopping to realize just how ridiculously implausible the whole thing is?”

Me: “Yep. That’s pretty much what I’m saying.”

God: “I really wish I’d gone back and gotten those human creation instructions and created humans before the dinosaurs like I originally planned. By now you dingbats would be all dead and I’d be watching cool-ass dinosaurs walk around the Earth. You people are truly fucked. I mean truly. You are all fucked.”

With this final profanity riddled statement, God left our offices without bothering to even say goodbye.

Ignorant By Choice And Proud Of It

The pictures below are of people who wear ignorance, stupidity, and hubris on their chests as if they were badges of honor bestowed upon them by all the leaders of the world at one time. These people need to stop breeding before they and their like cause the destruction of our species. (How’s that for a blanketed, biased, heavily one-sided statement, eh?)

Cognitively Stunted Morons In Australia Proudly Illustrating How Stupid They Are

Cognitively Stunted Morons In Australia Proudly Illustrating How Stupid They Are



 I'm Protesting Though I Don't Know A Damn Thing About Global Warming Or Socialism

I’m Protesting Though I Don’t Know A Damn Thing About Global Warming Or Socialism


 I'm A Delusional Psychotic In Need Of Hospitalization Running A Tax Exempt Business. Who Am I?

I’m A Delusional Psychotic In Need Of Hospitalization Running A Tax Exempt Business. Who Am I?



Mommy Says No To Vaccinations Because Mommy Is An Idiot

Mommy Says No To Vaccinations Because Mommy Is An Idiot


Not Only Am I An Idiot, I want My Idiocy To Put Our Entire Species Risk.

Not Only Am I An Idiot, I want My Idiocy To Put Our Entire Species Risk.


Few, If Any, Can Top Us In Stupidity, Ignorance, And Severe Cognitive Impairment

Few, If Any, Can Top Us In Stupidity, Ignorance, And Severe Cognitive Impairment


Americans Biggest Dumb Dumbs Ever Says British First Grader

In news today from across the pond, British first grader, Timmy T. Sipper, released the following statement with the aid of his teacher, Ivana Biskit. “I think that Americans are the biggest dumb, dumbs ever because they think learning is bad, so they don’t do it. They think the world is so young that we lived with dinosaurs together and that did not happen because I like dinosaurs and even I know people didn’t live with them. They were SOOO big, they would eat you if you saw one and there would not be any people left. It is stupid not to learn because that is why we have our brains to make us smarter.

Timmy T. Sipper With Message For Americans

Timmy T. Sipper With A Message For Americans

My teacher said Americans think all the stars up there too aren’t old and that they are little like me. That is stupider than when my friend Sally put the glue on her sandwich and ate it and threw up on Ms. Biskit’s desk and it smelled bad when Ms. Biskit put this green stuff on it that made us get sicker cause it was smellier than Sally’s throw-up. When I do things that are dumb, my Mum gets really mad and says, ‘Don’t be dumb and do dumb stuff. Be smart and do smart stuff and listen to Ms. Biskit causes she’s smart and went to school a long time to learn things to teach you.’ So Americans, you are dumb and need to listen and not be dumb cause it’s stupid to be dumb when there’s people who went to school a long time to help you not be dumb. Thank you and don’t be so dumb anymore, Timmy T. Sipper.”

Conspiracy Expert Says Nothing Existed Before Yesterday

The Beginning Of Time

The Beginning Of Time

In a shocking statement made before the U.S. Supreme Court this morning, Conspiracy expert and Catholic priest, Fr.Walter Pedofile, revealed that nothing in the universe existed before yesterday. “Existence began yesterday at 12:01 AM, Central Standard time,” Fr. Pedofile said to the court. “The reason we think things have been around for 13.8 billion years is because God created us with that thought imbedded in us already. But trust me when I say, we are all but one day old. And to make matters even more nebulous, if my calculations are correct, and they always are, nothing will exist after tomorrow either. We came from nothing and we will return to nothing once again, after enjoying but a 72 hour respite. That is the way of the Lord. Ours is not to reason why, but to accept the crazy shit God does. For, in the end, if you really think hard about it, there’s not a bloody thing we can do about it. Hope you all have a great day and enjoy yourselves. It’s the last any of us will ever have.”