10.) Always shop on the Wednesday after Thanksgiving, not Black Friday. There are fewer people shopping then, and all the same sales are still in place.
09.) I ordered this steak well done. Take it back and do it right or I’ll turn you into a toad. Naw, stop shakin’. I’m just f**kin’ with ya’.
08.) Yes, I was the one who allowed the Cubs to win the World Series in 2016.
07.) If anyone spoils the plot to the new Star Wars movie for me before I see it, I’m sending ’em straight to Hell.
06.) Donald Trump was my Pop’s idea of a mean joke. I’ve had about enough of it already. You?
05.) No matter what you’ve read or where you’ve read it, snakes do not, can not, and never did, talk.
04.) If your father ever asks you to be crucified so that other people’s sins can be forgiven, tell ’em to go f**k himself.
03.) Churches would be far holier if they actually paid taxes.
02.) If anyone sees Lazarus walking about, tell him to pay me the 60 grand he owes me. What, did you think I brought people back from the dead for free?
01.) Wish I could tell y’all otherwise, but having lots of money really does make life much easier.
Sara Tinsel, Christmas Elf
Santa’s Village, North Pole. An elf named Sara Tinsel is claiming Santa has been sexually harassing her and many other elves for years. “It’s terrible,” Ms Tinsel said earlier. “Santa just started rubbing my shoulders late one night as I worked alone in his toy shop about 15 Christmases ago. He said I looked tense and cold and that his big, gloved hands were just the things to loosen and warm me up. He placed his mouth so close to my pointed ears when he said this I could smell the cinnamon on his breath. I asked him to please stop, and, at first, he did. But, then, just this last Christmas, he walked into the toy workshop wearing nothing but his red hat and his black boots while several of us elves were putting together Malibu Barbie play sets. His snowballs were completely in view for all to see. He walked around, checked our work, smiled, and then left without saying a word.
Most of my fellow elves have been afraid to speak out about this because, should we lose our jobs, it would be almost impossible for us to find new ones. Who’s going to hire a bunch of three-foot, pointy-eared elves whose only skills involve toy-making and reindeer care? Not anyone that I can think of. However, I’ve had enough, and I’m reporting this in the hope that Santa becomes SO embarrassed by his actions that he ceases them immediately. I hope it works. He’s a great guy when it comes to giving kids toys, but that does not give him the right to treat us elves as his personal sex kittens. And, if he does not stop, we will be filing a class action sexual harassment suit against him to make him stop. Hope you all find time this season to have a very Merry Christmas and a blessed, harassment free, new year. “
I Will Tolerate Discrimination No More
Black Friday has filed a discrimination suit against White Christmas stating White Christmas refuses to sit next to him on buses and trains during the cross-country tours the two make together yearly at this time. “I’ve had enough of his discriminatory crap,” an angry Black Friday told reporters today. “White Christmas thinks he can treat me however he wants simply because he’s a Sunday and White, and I’m a Friday and Black. He literally makes me sit at the back of any vehicle we ride in together, and he expects me to carry his luggage for him all the time too. For years now I’ve just done whatever he wanted because my self-esteem was very low. I’m a Friday in a Christian country. Fridays are not the most chipper days with the Christian faithful. Jesus was brutally tortured and crucified on one. Not exactly a ringing endorsement for day of the Christian week, eh? One thing Fridays and the Jews have in common is that Christians blame us both for something we had absolutely nothing to do with, the horrific murder of Jesus. As well, I’m African-American, and getting a fair deal in a country ruled by a powerful bigoted bunch of tight-ass wealthy white people is truly a mother fucking bitch. It’s hard to look on the bright side with stresses like that put on you just because of who you are.
Being Sued For Racial Discrimination
It’s Sundays Christians most love in America, Sundays and things that are white. Jesus resurrected on that day, and all of Jesus’ worshipers gather on that day to kiss his ass for choosing to save them over blokes like me. Just call something white, and it gets immediate acceptance in America. White picket fences around little white houses set next to snow-capped hills are things American fairy tales are written about. But it’s all a bunch of shit made up to keep guys like me feeling guilty about wanting my fair share of the American pie. So I’m taking White Christmas to court, and I’m calling him out for his bigotry and his racial discrimination against me. I’m gonna make that bastard put my kids AND my grand kids through Harvard med school with the money I’m gonna get from him. We’ll see how superior he feels then. Bastard.”
I’m Sorry I Was Naked When ….
1.) …. I crawled into your parents bedroom window late one night to introduce myself as your fiance.
2.) …. I delivered flowers to your 98-year-old grandmother at her nursing home on a sunny Summer day.
3.) …. I played Santa one Christmas at a downtown dept store.
4.) …. I applied for a job at the FBI building in New York in the middle of a blizzard a few years ago.
5.) …. I borrowed your sister’s bike to ride around town with for a few hours and not returning it til the police told me I had to.
6.) …. I showed up at your son’s Bar Mitzvah and asked if I could borrow some sugar.
7.) …. I got pulled over for speeding and had to tell the cops I’d left my wallet at home.
8.) …. I tried to hail a taxi in downtown Chicago at 4AM one winter night in ’97.
9.) …. I tried to file a sexual harassment complaint against my fellow KFC workers during spring break from my classes at Harvard one year.
10.) …. I showed up at a children’s birthday party in Chucky Cheese and demanded they give me a slice.
Pilgrims Like These Will Soon Be Banned From Entering America
Plymouth Rock, Massachusetts. Donald Trump today announced he is implementing a pilgrim travel ban that will go into effect the day before Thanksgiving. “Look,” President Trump said earlier, “we all can agree that the original pilgrims who came to America were bad hombres. Our great nation has not been the same since their arrival. When rapists and genocidal maniacs are allowed to enter a country, nothing good can come from it. Thus, I’m enacting a pilgrim travel ban to stop any future pilgrims from entering and polluting our country like the first pilgrims did back in the day. I’m also calling for a great big wall to be built all around America to detour any pilgrims from trying to illegally enter the country and sell drugs to our children. Thanksgiving is a day for Americans to celebrate American values and eat turkey. It is NOT a day to celebrate pilgrims and the anti-American sentiments they represent. The ban will go into effect on midnight the day before Thanksgiving. If anyone sees any pilgrims after the ban goes into effect, please notify your local authorities so they can be promptly arrested and sent back to whatever rock it is they crawled out from. Happy Thanksgiving, and may the all-loving arms of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, keep you and your family safe and free of pilgrims throughout this holiday season.”
Gunville, Texas. Once again, a white male has used an assault-type weapon to murder innocent Americans. Devin Kelley, a white, male terrorist killed 26 people at a church in Sutherland Springs, Texas yesterday. The problem here, just to be clear, is NOT easy access to assault-type weapons and guns but white men. The consistency with which we see white males, for whatever reason, buying assault-type weapons and killing dozens of innocent people is alarming and must be stopped. Thus, I’m asking Congress to enact a law to make it mandatory that all white males be expunged from America. This simply MUST happen in order to make America not only safe, but great once again. Fewer white males will mean fewer mass gun murders by these terrorists in waiting. How much more evidence is needed to see the value of this idea? So, like my Great Uncle Thaddeus Whippersnapper The Third once said, “Friggin’ white men are all mentally sick bastards. None of ’em should ever have guns. Leave the guns to women, children and minorities, and kick all white men out of America before there is no America left.” And to Uncle Thad’s idea I say, $Amen$.
Hey all, Jesus here. Every now and then I feel compelled to stop by and point out some of the ridiculous misconceptions people have developed about me over the millennia. First of all, I’m NOT a Northern, European white dude with blue eyes. I’m black and I’m proud, folks. Get it right. Please. And WTF’s up with Catholic priests molesting kids and the Church covering for them? Where in My Own Name did you all get the idea that that’s OK? STOP IT!!! Man, that sh*t disgusts me. Also, what’s with the weird outfits most priests wear? You folks turn me into a white dude in your representations of me, then dress in black outfits to…what…morn the fact you’ve tried to steal my ethnicity from me? Cut it out, already. Just wear some decent leisure clothes and stop raping kids, and you’ll come across just fine. Is that too hard to do?
Lastly, for now, let me address young earth creationists and others who take the Bible literally. ARE YOU NUTS?! It’s 2017 for My Own sake! Get a f**kin’ education. Yeah, it’s hard. Yeah, it takes time and great effort, and yes, you’re going to learn that sometimes your opinions on things are not only wrong but outright ludicrous, but in the end, you’ll be glad you did it. Your overwhelming sense of self-righteousness in the face of a plethora of evidence showing you just how wrong your bronze-age beliefs are will be replaced with the calm, reassuring knowledge that no, we don’t have all the answers to life’s big questions but we’re good people anyway and lucky to be alive. It’s easier to live that way. OK? Now, bugger off. It’s Sunday, and I’ve got to decide which American football teams I want to win today.