Plymouth Rock, Massachusetts. Donald Trump today announced he is implementing a pilgrim travel ban that will go into effect the day before Thanksgiving. “Look,” President Trump said earlier, “we all can agree that the original pilgrims who came to America were bad hombres. Our great nation has not been the same since their arrival. When rapists and genocidal maniacs are allowed to enter a country, nothing good can come from it. Thus, I’m enacting a pilgrim travel ban to stop any future pilgrims from entering and polluting our country like the first pilgrims did back in the day. I’m also calling for a great big wall to be built all around America to detour any pilgrims from trying to illegally enter the country and sell drugs to our children. Thanksgiving is a day for Americans to celebrate American values and eat turkey. It is NOT a day to celebrate pilgrims and the anti-American sentiments they represent. The ban will go into effect on midnight the day before Thanksgiving. If anyone sees any pilgrims after the ban goes into effect, please notify your local authorities so they can be promptly arrested and sent back to whatever rock it is they crawled out from. Happy Thanksgiving, and may the all-loving arms of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, keep you and your family safe and free of pilgrims throughout this holiday season.”
Gunville, Texas. Once again, a white male has used an assault-type weapon to murder innocent Americans. Devin Kelley, a white, male terrorist killed 26 people at a church in Sutherland Springs, Texas yesterday. The problem here, just to be clear, is NOT easy access to assault-type weapons and guns but white men. The consistency with which we see white males, for whatever reason, buying assault-type weapons and killing dozens of innocent people is alarming and must be stopped. Thus, I’m asking Congress to enact a law to make it mandatory that all white males be expunged from America. This simply MUST happen in order to make America not only safe, but great once again. Fewer white males will mean fewer mass gun murders by these terrorists in waiting. How much more evidence is needed to see the value of this idea? So, like my Great Uncle Thaddeus Whippersnapper The Third once said, “Friggin’ white men are all mentally sick bastards. None of ’em should ever have guns. Leave the guns to women, children and minorities, and kick all white men out of America before there is no America left.” And to Uncle Thad’s idea I say, $Amen$.
Hey all, Jesus here. Every now and then I feel compelled to stop by and point out some of the ridiculous misconceptions people have developed about me over the millennia. First of all, I’m NOT a Northern, European white dude with blue eyes. I’m black and I’m proud, folks. Get it right. Please. And WTF’s up with Catholic priests molesting kids and the Church covering for them? Where in My Own Name did you all get the idea that that’s OK? STOP IT!!! Man, that sh*t disgusts me. Also, what’s with the weird outfits most priests wear? You folks turn me into a white dude in your representations of me, then dress in black outfits to…what…morn the fact you’ve tried to steal my ethnicity from me? Cut it out, already. Just wear some decent leisure clothes and stop raping kids, and you’ll come across just fine. Is that too hard to do?
Lastly, for now, let me address young earth creationists and others who take the Bible literally. ARE YOU NUTS?! It’s 2017 for My Own sake! Get a f**kin’ education. Yeah, it’s hard. Yeah, it takes time and great effort, and yes, you’re going to learn that sometimes your opinions on things are not only wrong but outright ludicrous, but in the end, you’ll be glad you did it. Your overwhelming sense of self-righteousness in the face of a plethora of evidence showing you just how wrong your bronze-age beliefs are will be replaced with the calm, reassuring knowledge that no, we don’t have all the answers to life’s big questions but we’re good people anyway and lucky to be alive. It’s easier to live that way. OK? Now, bugger off. It’s Sunday, and I’ve got to decide which American football teams I want to win today.
Houston, Texas. The Houston Astros won the World Series this past Wednesday because it is what God wanted, at least according to God. “Yeah, after listening to prayers from both the Dodgers and the Astros, I decided that the Astros prayed better, longer and harder than the Dodgers, so I let them win,” God said earlier today. “I don’t usually like sports teams from Texas, but in this case, I made an exception. The Astros showed such humility and deep respect for Me, that I simply HAD to let them win. As for the Dodgers, they just didn’t convince Me they loved and honored Me enough for Me to let them win.
As anyone who knows Me can tell you, I do good things only for those who worship Me best. If more people would simply understand this, there’d be fewer earthquakes and hurricanes in the world and much more food and medicine for everyone to enjoy. Oh, also, and I simply feel compelled to mention this, Me being Me and all, as a general rule, I pretty much only accept and listen to prayers from those who practice the one, true religion. There’s only one that I really consider to be correct, but, Me being Me again, I’m not going to openly say which one it is. So, take a guess, and maybe you’ll be right or, hopefully, on the particular day you pray, I’ll be in a generous mood and listen to you any way. If not, don’t count on your team winning the World Series any time soon.”