Tag Archives: Bible

12.09.15
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Celebrity Bible Reviews

bible3Here are some celebrity reviews of The Bible I recently found in The New York Times.

 

Donald_Trump_by_Gage_Skidmore1.) This book is AWESOME.  There’s killing for the Lord, genocide in his name, infanticide, glorification of slavery, and enough misogynistic rhetoric to make any man with a small dick feel strong.   I highly recommend reading it and using it to guide your life.  Donald Trump

 

Pope Francis 6552.) This book sucks.  It’s completely unbelievable.  There’s a part where a “virgin” gets pregnant, tells her husband, “God did it,” and he believes her.  Yeah.  Right.  Blow me.   Pope Francis

 

palin3.) This book has gore, violence, and horror in it.  I’ve never read a piece of literature filled with such a lust for blood.  It needs to be BANNED from our schools and homes.  It’s anti-American.  Wait…I was thinking of The Koran.  The Bible is not like that at all.  Never mind.   Sarah Palin

 

MTIxNDI3MjkzNDE1MTc5Nzg54.) Brilliant book on truth, science, and reality.  I never knew the Earth was only 6000 years old until I read this gem of intellectual wisdom.  Republican Presidential Candidate, Ben Carson.

 

Bill-Clinton5.) I LOVED this book.  It has sex in it.  Former President, Bill Clinton.

04.01.15
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Creationists More Full Of Bullshit Than Real Bulls, Says Bullshit Expert

Bigotland, Indiana.  Bullshit expert and head of The University of Chicago’s, That’s A Fuckin’ Lie And You Know It department, Professor Vivian V. Agina, said today that Creationists are literally more full of bullshit than real bulls.

Jesus The Creationist

Jesus The Creationist

“My department conducted a two-year research project to determine if the shit Creationists espouse could in any way be measured against the shit in the intestines of real bulls,” Professor V. Agina said. “And sure enough, we determined it could be. We had individual Creationists stand on a platform next to which a constipated, real bull also stood. The bulls were secured behind a steel gate keeping the Creationists safe from any physical harm. The bulls, however, could still hear clearly everything spoken around them. We then asked the Creationists to describe for us their literal reading of Genesis as well as several other readings from the Bible which they took to be literally true. In test after test, each time the Creationists began their diatribe on the literal accuracy of the Bible, the bulls began to violently charge at the gate keeping them from the Creationists. In addition to this, each and every bull violently released the contents of its constipated intestines just as each Creationist began to explain that Noah’s Ark was not a story, but literally true. Needless to say, the bullshit from the real bulls ran out LONG before the bullshit coming from the mouths of the Creationists.

Creationists Are Great Bull Enemas

Creationists Are Great Bull Enemas

Thus, we have determined with absolute scientific accuracy, that not only do they make excellent bull enemas, Creationists are far more full of bullshit than real bulls, even severely constipated ones.”

03.17.15
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On The Non-Existence Of Theists

Lack of Understanding Is Not Evidence For GodI’ve written before, in a very pompous, self-righteous way, that, if you really think about it, no one REALLY believes in a god or afterlife. I make this statement because, for many years, I’ve heard theists say that no one REALLY is an a-theist. A-theism doesn’t exist. Deep down, they say, everyone believes in God. Though when Christians say, God, they mean Jesus, and clearly, not EVERYONE believes in Jesus. Muslims worship Yahweh’s old college chum, Allah. Yahweh is worshiped by the Jews, and Hindus, being the stone age backward thinkers they are, are polytheistic and believe in millions of gods. Oh, there are some theists who’ll claim it really is all just the same god everyone worships, he just appears to different cultures in different ways. But if truth be told, and I always tell the truth, that’s truly a crock of bullshit. There are politically influential Christian groups within the U.S. who believe in Jesus, and only Jesus as the one true god and that the Bible is literally true, word for word. There are Muslims who feel the same about the Qur’an, there are Jews who feel the same about the Torah. Each group also has VERY specific dogmas its members must follow or they risk the wrath of their god. This is the very reason I, though raised Catholic, will never say, “Oh, I’m Catholic,” to anyone who asks my religion. I’m not. I do not accept its dogmas. I’m an a-theist. Too many people say, “Oh, I’m such and such religion,” but really aren’t. How many who say they are of a particular faith still would say it if saying it meant they had to accept all the dogmas of that Faith and follow them? The dogmas of a Faith ARE that Faith. If a person says they’re Catholic, but feels they need not follow Church doctrines, are they truly Catholic? No, no, they’re not.Kubki A fool says in his heart: "There is no God.", a wise man says it to everyone. - Funny Printed Coffee Mug [BLK3158] I know Catholic Catechism and the dogma of the Church like my own hand. I had 14 years of it taught to me by the nuns and priests in the Catholic schools I attended. So I know it. Check out this site. It explains the Church doctrine on sex. http://www.vatican.va/archive/ccc_css/archive/catechism/p3s2c2a6.htm   How many people who say, “Oh, I’m Catholic,” when asked their religion, actually obey all the dogmas on sex discussed in this link? No Catholic I’ve ever known, I can tell you that. No Catholic I’ve ever known felt evil for having sex out-of-wedlock either. It’s ridiculous nonsense that no mature person should have to bother with, and most don’t. People culturally identify with their religion like they do their ethnicity. They go to the Church they grew up with because their social lives are centered around it. And they pick and choose which parts of that religion they follow, and which they ignore. This is all spiffy with me. I really don’t care. What I do care about, though, is this: Some Catholics ( this is also true in other Faiths) claim they are very deeply religious and follow all the dogmas of the Church. Cool. If they can do it and it gives them meaning, good for them. I do ask, however, that they be consistent in their approach to Catholic dogma. Here’s what I mean by that.120824_abortion_protest_reuters_328 Many Catholics who are against a woman’s right to an abortion claim they are because of Church doctrine on the issue. The Catholic Church says abortion is wrong. Period. Taking life is wrong. Period. They are very consistent with this dogma, too. Capitol punishment is also wrong to the Church. Only God can take a life. I admire the consistency of this thinking. Life is life to them. Now here’s the rub. Many, many Catholics who claim to be strict followers of Church dogma, aren’t. They’re selective followers of Church dogma. For example, there’s a young Catholic woman I know who is a strong advocate for Pro-life. She’s even done a march or two in favor of the cause. She’s VERY outspoken about the sinfulness of abortion. The Church dogma on abortion fits in well with her own feelings on the matter. Nice and peachy.  However, a new boyfriend has recently entered her life, and guess what they do when they get together? You got it! They fuck. And they fuck using birth control.

Unwed Pro-Life Catholics, About To Fuck

Unwed Pro-Life Catholics, About To Fuck

Man, do I have an issue with her Pro-life ass now. Let’s see, she feels it is her fucking right, backed powerfully by her “faith” in Church dogma, to dictate to other women what they can and can not do with their own fucking bodies, but she can choose to ignore Church doctrine on sex outside an approved marriage and birth control because those dogmas interfere with her sex life? Right. It is a deep, mortal sin she commits every time she fucks, wanks, or blows her boyfriend. Abortion is also a mortal sin. The Church sees fucking out-of-wedlock just as mortally sinful as abortion.  Fuck this gal. I’ve 0% respect for her bullshit faith and even less for her. You want to point fingers, you’d better point them at yourself first.I-see-hypocritesThis type of bullshit is what makes organized religion the contemptible puss sack it is. It’s merely a vehicle through which mortal beings project their own fears, hates, and phobias onto a made up deity to justify them to themselves.  Humans make religions, and humans make gods. There are no real theists. No one, deep down inside, truly believes in god. Because if I KNEW, with total certainty, that I was immortal; that God was real because he talked to me, I’d be calm, cool, relaxed, and at peace with the Cosmos. Anyone would be. You’d be set for all eternity. Deep down in the hearts of religious folks is a huge hole of disbelief and fear. A fear that says,”You must crush all faiths other than your own. This will make what you believe righteous and powerful.” There really are no real theists. So former theists, stop bullshitting yourselves about god and join the a-theist family today. We’re a sinful, decadent group. You’ll love being part of it. Imperious Rex!pro_life_pro_war_pro_death_penalty_hypocrite_postcard-r75127a7bae2b48749ac3bc4b4110c347_vgbaq_8byvr_324

06.27.14
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Meet Joe Eisenberg, Cage Cleaner On Noah’s Ark

Joe Eisenberg, Cleaning Rhino Crap On Noah's Ark

Joe Eisenberg: Animal Poop Cleaner On Noah’s Ark

Joe Eisenberg, the zoo keeper responsible for cleaning animal cages on
Noah’s Ark, ended several thousand years of silence today when he
appeared on The Tonight Show, and announced, “I’m the
guy ‘The Bible’ writers conveniently forgot to mention when writing the
Ark story. They left me out cause I did the all dirty work that no one
likes to think about. Literally, ALL the dirty work! I mean 40 days
and 40 nights of rain, PLUS months of drifting around looking for dry
land, and NO ONE thinks to mention the guy who scoops the poop out of
all those animal cages? Just imagine the stench if I hadn’t been around to
keep things tidy. And Noah was not the most considerate ship’s captain
around either. One night he gets piss drunk on some kind of grain
alcohol he’d made and feeds the elephants chocolate, just for laughs.
CHOCOLATE for God’s sake! The mess was UNBELIEVABLE!!!! And who
cleaned it up? Noah? Nope. Me. I’ve stayed silent for several thousand years now, but it’s time I had my 15 minutes of fame for all the shit
I had to deal with back then. Literally. So like it or not folks, here I am, Joe
Eisenberg, the animal poop cleaner for Noah’s Ark.”

 

03.18.14
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An Interview With Adam, The First Man…Ever, Pt 1

TACP is proud to present, for the first time in the history of humanity, an interview with Adam, the first ever man.

ACP: Welcome, Adam. And thanks for agreeing to do this interview.

Adam: Yep. No problemo, por favor, Senioritio bandito! Hey, dude. Do you mind if I fire up a dube while we’re talkin’? It’ll help me come down from all the coke I snorted last night. I’m fuckin’ jonezin’, man! JONEZING!!!

ACP: Well, this is a no smoking building, Adam, and I’m certain that policy covers refer. So please, don’t fire up the dube. I don’t want to pay a fine.

Adam, The First Man, Telling His Story

Adam, The First Man, Telling His Story

Adam: Fuck man! You are such a fuckin’ Momma’s boy! Do you ALWAYS follow the rules adults make for you? Shit. If you’d have been in Eden way back in the day, I bet your ass would have said “no” to Eve when she said, “Fuck God. He’s an asshole. Let’s eat a fucking apple.” Fuck, dude! Where’d civilization be now if some shit like that had happened? Huh? Where, dude? Where? Gone, man! Gone! And, hey, don’t worry ’bout the dube. I’ll just pop a few of these Oxycontin, and I’ll be good ta go.

ACP: I never realized you were such a fan of pharmaceuticals, Adam. What does your wife, Eve, have to say about that?

Adam: Eve? Wife? Fuck, Einstein, that bitch dumped my ass and divorced me the second we left Eden. Told me I was, “uncouth” and “lacked strong morals.” Fuckin’ hoochie momma! How dare she!? If I hadn’t told God she forced me, at gun point, mind you, to eat that fucking apple, where’d she be now, huh? Where? In Paradise with God! That’s where! In Paradise with an old man, pervert God who used to peek at ‘er when she showered AND when she peed. I know, dude! I was fuckin’ there peekin’ with him! Fuck, it was my idea even. “God,” I says ta God one day, ” Have you ever seen the ass you made for Eve up close? I mean UP CLOSE? It’s a fuckin’ MASTER PIECE, DUDE! A fuckin’ work of art worthy of a God like you, man. Come by when she’s showerin’, dude, and we’ll spy on ‘er.” So one day, God comes by while Eve’s in the shower, and the two us spy on her naked ass through a hole I made in the room adjoining the shower stall. Hot fuckin’ times, dude. Hot fuckin’ times!

ACP: So you’re telling me that you and God, The Father Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth, spied on Eve, your wife, while she showered in Eden? Is that what you’re saying?

Adam: Yes. Why? Do you have a fuckin’ problem with it or something, momma’s boy?

End Part One

02.26.14
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Islamic Fundamentalism & Ken Ham: Let’s Compare

Me

Me

It was brought to my attention, that Ken Ham, Creationist and intellectual Neanderthal, commented, when I satirically said I was going to eat him for Christmas dinner a while back, that I was only picking on him because I was afraid to pick on Islam. Well, Ken, you were wrong. I’m going to pick on Islamic Fundamentalism right now, but don’t think that gives you a pass. I’m going to pick on you, too. I’ll use The Bible and The Qur’an to look for parallels between the primordial workings of your frontal lobes, and the withered frontal lobes of those practicing the hate-ridden, subhuman, bestial religion known as Islamic Fundamentalism. See, little Kenny, I pick on Islam, too. Stupid this or stupid that, it’s all the same, stupid.

Ken Ham: Bible Literalist

Ken Ham: Bible Literalist

Here’s how this will work, folks. I’m going to comment on two direct quotes from The Qur’an, and two from The Bible. First, I’ll quote from the Qur’an, comment on how moved I am by Allah’s words; then quote from The Bible, which Ken Ham says is literally true, and offer my comments on that. Since Ken Ham says every single word in the Bible is true, I am taking everything in it to represent his personal beliefs 100% accurately. And I mean word for fucking word, literally, as written, with no room for interpretation. That clear, little Kenny. Good. Here we go.

The Qur’an, First Quote: Christians and Jews (who believe in only part of the Scripture), will suffer in this life and go to hell in the next. 2:85

Lovely, ain’t it? Just lovely. And why, oh why, does everyone insist on hating the Jews? Man, those folks have had a rough fuckin’ ride. Hey! Christians! Yes, you! Christians! How does this quote make you feel? There are mother fuckers out there who believe this is God’s word. They hate you. Millions of people hate you. How do you fucking feel about that? Their “faith” is stronger than yours, Christians. Like that? Little Kenny, how ’bout you? This shit is taken literally by many, many Muslims. How the fuck do you like that? Oh, they’re not joking, little Kenny. They REALLY want you to suffer. Does that make you feel good?Quotation-Al-Stefanelli-religion-world-people-Meetville-Quotes-200125 The Bible, First Quote: Deuteronomy 25:11-1: If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity.

I actually like it when women grab my cock, even if I’m in a fist fight with another dude when they do it. Hell, I encourage them to use both hands. In case one falls off during the fight. But Ken Ham believes a woman who does something like this must have her hand cut off, without pity. Kenny, you violent son of a bitch! I didn’t know you had it in you. Wow. Literally reading the Bible makes me very afraid of you, Kenny. Very. You’re a psychopath. I’m just fucking around with my writings, but you, you take this shit literally, as God’s specific, unchangeable words and desires. Fuck you, Kenny. And don’t give me this shit that Genesis is literal but other parts of the Bible aren’t. The Bible is or is not to be taken literally, you violent misogynistic psychopath, you.

The Qur’an, Second Quote: Part One: Allah says that you must keep fighting until there is no more persecution and everyone on earth is a Muslim. Then you can stop killing people. 2:193a

Part Two: But if there are any wrong-doers around after you’ve killed off all the disbelievers, persecutors and aggressors, then you’ll have to kill them too. 2:193b 303418_472012259482844_2086843371_nCriminals get killed AFTER all the disbelievers. Nice. Whenever someone tells you, or you hear, that Islam is a religion of peace, and love, reread this verse. Reread it until your eyes bleed. Millions of people on Earth, right now, today, this second, believe, with all the power “faith” brings to people, that these words are true and are to be carried out. Combine this with the hate-filled, disgusting rhetoric of Fundamentalist Christians, and we have a really, really fucked up situation. It is not OK to give faiths or beliefs or religions any type of special deference as a society. Continuing to do so will destroy us. This kind of black and white religious thinking is increasing, not getting better. It is coupled with a powerful anti-science sentiment as well, and this is not OK. It is sickening. Horrible. Terrifying. And Ken Ham, you are as guilty as your Islamic counter parts in feeding this process. It will annihilate the human race and leave nothing of us behind if we don’t stop it. Reread the verse above. Now reread it again. Now, use your fucking head about how important “faith” really is to mankind’s survival and grow the fuck up. islam_will_dominateThe Bible, Second Quote: And the king said unto her, What aileth thee? And she answered, This woman said unto me, Give thy son, that we may eat him to day, and we will eat my son to morrow. So we boiled my son, and did eat him: and I said unto her on the next day, Give thy son, that we may eat him: and she hath hid her son…. (II Kings 6:28-29)

So, little Kenny Ham is a fucking cannibal! What an hypocritical son of a whore you are, Kenny. I’m writing over the top, hate or love it, satire. I don’t mean it LITERALLY!!! But YOU! You, Kenny! YOU DO! You sick fucking bastard! The Bible, literally! Word for word! Really, Kenny. So tell me, you sick twisted excuse of a man, how do boiled babies REALLY taste? You fuck! You dare call people who do not believe in your god sinners, evil, doomed, cannibals, immoral, and corrupt, and then say you are a devotee of The Bible, which you take LITERALLY! You sick son of a bitch. What a pair of balls you have on you. You know, I hope your god, Jesus, is real. And when you die, you actually get called out on all the evil you do, and all the pain and hurt you bring into the world by condemning people who simply disbelieve in your god. I hope Jesus personally escorts you into the Hell you condemn others to.

Christianity Is About Love?

Christianity Is About Love?

You, little Kenny, read the Bible literally. It is you who boil and eat babies, literally. And as far as my limited human mind can tell, The Bible, literal or not, was not written as a piece of satire. Fuck you, Kenny. Take a long look in the mirror before you ever think of passing any kind of judgmental thought on any of your fellow human beings ever again. And take a fucking science class, will you? The Earth is 6000 years old only, unbelievable.

02.11.14
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It’s Jesus VS Jesus, So Cry Havoc! And Let Slip The Dogs Of War!

Lutheran Jesus

Lutheran Jesus

Catholic Jesus

Catholic Jesus

Attention all Catholics and Lutherans! The battle you’ve all been dreaming about for almost 500 years will finally take place this Friday, Valentines Day, in a 6′ by 6′ locked steel cage, in a CVS parking lot in Gary, Indiana. It will be televised live on HBO and is a MUST see for all MMA and “snuff” film fans. Lutheran Jesus, generally thought of as the “Resurrected” Jesus, symbolized by an empty cross, will fight Catholic Jesus, generally thought of as the “Suffering” Jesus, symbolized by a cross with Christ nailed to it, writhing in agony, waiting to die. The two Jesuses will fight to the death locked inside a 6′ by 6′ steel cage with hammers, axes, knives, chain saws, and 9″ nails to use as weapons to determine which of them is the TRUE Jesus, and which is the imposter. Two Christs will enter, but only one will leave.

Lutheran Jesus and Catholic Jesus agree, quite strongly, that the other Jesuses in the world, Presbyterian Jesus and Methodist Jesus, to name two, are inferior Jesuses to both of them. This, they say, is because Catholic Jesus was the first and only Jesus with true power until Lutheran Jesus came into being and gained power, as well, some 1500 years later. Every other Jesus who’s popped up since then is merely imitating Lutheran Jesus and has no legitimate claim to the title of TRUE Jesus, the two say. They have also sworn an oath to each other that whosoever wins the battle will summarily seek out and kill all other Jesuses, and all those who follow them. So if you are one of those “other” Jesuses, or one of their followers, you may want to do some converting right about now to even your post fight chances of survival from 0 to an even 50/50. The future of all of Christendom is at stake with this fight, as well as the lives of millions of people. So be sure and watch “Jesus vs Jesus” on HBO this Valentines Day. It’s a fight you’ll literally be dying to see who wins.