Divine Righteousness

I’ve been taught since birth that

I am

Special

God

Loves me

He will protect me

And

His

Will is

Righteous

My entire life has been

Based on

This belief

Thus

When my country calls on me to

Kill

Its enemies in

God’s name,

How can I not agree to

Do so?

I’ve been a soldier now for

Five years

Today is the first day that

I’ve had my enemy’s throat beneath my

Blade

He’s

Afraid

I can see the

Terror in his eyes,

But God calls on me to

Kill him.

So I

Slice his throat

Open

His warm blood spills over my hand

And I know,

That even though my stomach wretches at what I’ve done,

Allah loves me because I’ve

Killed an

Infidel

Christian in

His

Name

And

My

Path

To

Paradise

Has

Been

Assured

Allahu Akbar

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Ted Cruz Says, Ladies, Your Bodies Belong To Me

"Jesus Says, And I Do, No Matter What It Is," Claims Ted Cruz

“Women’s Bodies Belong To Me,” Claims Ted Cruz

Misogyny Palace, Mississippi.    This morning, after a strategic planning session at the Pentagon to carpet bomb the Middle East out of existence, Ted Cruz declared all female bodies are his to do with as he sees fit.  “By the will of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, I declare that women are to have no say whatsoever in what they can and cannot do with their bodies,” Senator Cruz said.   “As any true follower of Jesus can tell you, women are dull-witted and often do silly things, like allowing men to accidentally impregnate them, for example.   The mistake most women make when this happens is to think they have a choice in what they can do with their own bodies.  Nothing is farther from the truth.  Jesus states repeatedly, not only in the Bible, but in the U.S. Constitution, that women’s bodies belong to Christian men, not to them.  I fail to see how anyone can be remotely confused about this.  Would Jesus say such a thing if it were not true?  Of course not.  Thus, women’s bodies are not theirs.  They’re actually mine, as I’m not only the brightest Christian around, but also the biggest, sexiest bull-stud of a man America’s ever seen.  As soon as I’m President, I’ll make arrangements for me or one of my male staff members to conduct a body search of each and every female in the U.S. to be certain they’re treating my property the way I want them to.  So, America, please vote for me in November, and make me your President.   It’s what Jesus wants you to do.”

Jokes Ta Make Ya’ Groan

That's So Funny I Forgot To Laugh

That’s So Funny I Forgot To Laugh

Our resident Fundamentalist Christian comic, Frankie Analtight, dropped by the Pontificator office today with some new jokes he’s been working on for his act.   Here are a few of them for your perusal.

1.) How many Christians does it take to turn on a light?   None.  Only Jesus can turn on light.

2.) Why are some people very poor?   Because they are lazy.

3.) How many doctors does it take to heal a broken leg?   None.  Only prayer can heal a broken limb.

4.) Why did Judas betray Jesus?  Because he was a bad man.

5.) Why are there people in the world who are not Christians?   Because they’re using their freewill to deny reality.

6.) Why are atheists so evil?   Because they are the children of Satan.

7.) Why are some people disabled?  Because they were bad and God’s punishing them for it.

8.) Why did the Jews kill Christ?  See the answer to number 6.

9.) What did Jesus say to the gay couple when he saw them kiss?  I hate you.

10.) Why is President Obama such a horrible person?  Because he is a devout Muslim and an atheist.

 

Grace Church Seattle Opens Bakery

Neanderthal Town, Washington.    In news today that’s sure to wet the palates of Christian bigots everywhere, Grace Church Seattle has announced that it has opened it’s very own bakery.  The bakery specializes in making cakes with a dancing version of Katy Faust’s butt frosted onto them.

Katy Faust's Dancing Butt Will Adorn Every Cake Made By The Grace Church Seattle Bakery

Katy Faust’s Dancing Butt Adorns Every Cake Made By The Grace Church Seattle Bakery

Grace Church Seattle opened this bakery to help counter the horrifying attacks bakers the world over face every day from crazed gay people insisting they make cakes for them adorned with statues and the names of same-sex couples.  What better way to fight back against these cruel, mindless, barbaric, homosexuals than by ordering a Katy Faust Dancing Butt Cake from the Grace Church Seattle bakery?  The proceeds from the sales of these cakes will be sent to the families of terrorized bakers across the globe to help them heal from the trauma gays have inflicted on them over the years by ordering same-sex couple cakes.  Each Katy Faust Dancing Butt Cake costs $55.98, including postage and handling.  Order right now and receive a free box of Jesus Hates Fags cupcakes absolutely free, while supplies last.  So, buy a cake.  It’s what Jesus wants you to do.

On Grace And Forgiveness

Grace_Saved_Faith_version_2_by_Valster73The concept of Grace used to come up quite often during my 15 years of formal Catholic education, but I’ve retained little of what I learned about it back then.  So I recently decided to re-enlighten myself on the subject by reading what the Catholic Church and one or two other Christian denominations had to say about it.  In all honesty, if I hadn’t already been an a-theist, I’d have become one based solely upon what I read.  Though there are subtle semantic differences to how, say, Lutherans and Catholics define “grace”, the basic premise, and one I find deeply insulting, is fundamentally the same.  Because of Adam and Eve’s original disgusting sin, little ‘ol me and you were born into this world with our immortal souls awash in filth, evil, debauchery, and contempt for God, our Master.  It is only by the “grace” of this same benevolent and all-loving Master that the rancid stench of insipid evil can be bleached from our souls and save us from an eternity of burning agony in Hell.

Our Master sending his beloved son, Jesus, to be brutally tortured and crucified on our behaves is the only “grace” needed to save us, according to some Christian doctrines.  Others claim we must more actively earn the Master’s “grace” through obtaining sacraments and verbally abusing gays, Jews, and Democrats.  Even others say we have the Master’s “grace” and are saved, or we don’t, and will burn. Period. We won’t know which, until we die and awake either burning in Hell or having amazing oral sex performed on us by the person or persons we most want performing oral sex on us in Heaven.

I find such beliefs to be immoral, repugnant, anti-human, and personally offensive.  I am not evil and I do not require a made up creature to give me “grace” for anything.  Such thinking, in my completely honest opinion, is at the core of man’s inhumanity toward man. This includes all forms of child abuse, rape, war, torture, and poverty. Human beings are not born stained.  It is doctrines like those describing “grace” that stain the collective human consciousness with a guilt it neither deserves, nor needs. We are all there is of us.  No god or grace from a god is needed to save anyone. We are important to ourselves because we are here.  And if tomorrow we are not here, there will be no one to notice, much less care. We truly are THAT unimportant to the universe.

Holy Books And Dogmas Always Get Me Down

By The Arm Chair Pontificator

By The Arm Chair Pontificator

The senseless murder of 12 human beings in France last week by Islamic extremists got me thinking. Why don’t all Muslims do what the Charlie Hebdo murderers did and kill those they believe to have insulted Mohammad and/or Allah in some way? For that matter, why don’t all Christians hate gay people the way the Phelps family of the Westboro Baptist Church does? And why aren’t all Christians living with their IQ’s stuck in a Bronze Age time distortion field like Ken Ham is? Ken Ham and the Phelps family say they are TruChristians following the same Bible every other Christian claims to follow. As well, Islamic jihadists claim to be following the same Koran every other Muslim claims to follow. So, what separates the extreme fanatics of Christianity and Islam from the more sensible followers of those faiths when their respective Holy Books are the same for everyone who follows them?

One Book, Many Interpretations

One Book, Many Interpretations

I believe there are two simple answers to this question: human decency and common sense. These are things that do not come to us from holy books, political dogmas, or commandments etched by a burning bush into stone tablets. They are inherent in our humanity. Without them, there can be no advancement of civilization. We need them to help us live with each other because we often do not, and can not, see eye to eye on even the most fundamental of things; such as which Holy Book is REALLY the RIGHT holy book and which form of government is TRULY best for everyone. The vast majority of Muslims do not storm satirical magazine offices and slaughter innocent people because they instinctively know, no matter what their Holy Book might say to the contrary, that it would be very wrong to do so. As well, most Christians do not live with their minds stuck in the Bronze Age, do not hate gay people, and do not know what 97% of their Holy Book even says because they’ve never bothered to read it.

One Book, Innumerable Interpretations

One Book, Innumerable Interpretations

Most Christians and Muslims choose not to behave like murdering, bigoted neanderthals because, instinctively, they know it’s wrong to do so. And most know, too, that literal interpretations of violent passages from their Holy Books won’t be tolerated by a civil society.  Thus, they have religious apologists reinterpret these passages into less harmful, and mindlessly convoluted, nonsense that means whatever they want it to mean as long as it isn’t a cry to violence. That, as we’ve determined, is not acceptable. This, to me, is a complete waste of energy which would be better used helping old folks cross the street, clipping a dog’s toe nails, grooming a cat, or feeding a goldfish. Religious apologists who creatively apologize for the disgustingly barbaric passages in archaic holy texts serve no true benefit to our overall society. They aren’t really needed. Neither are archaic, violent holy books.

Archaic Political Dogma In Need Of Changin'

Archaic Political Dogma In Need Of Changin’

In conclusion, then, I propose the following arm-chair pontification: If your Holy Book, or your particular political dogma, contains hate-filled, barbaric, bigoted rhetoric in any part of it, toss it the fuck out and get a new a one. Don’t spend decades trying to twist nonsensical archaic gibberish into meaningful dogmas for humans in the 21st century. Muslims, Christians and Republicans who behave decently, and humanely, toward all those around you, I implore you to join together and throw away your Korans, your Bibles, and your Second Amendments, and write a new doctrine. A doctrine for the 21st century, and beyond, which places value on all human life equally. A doctrine that deplores violence, bloodshed, homophobia, racism, poverty, and sexism simply because they are wrong and inhumane. Write a doctrine of, and for, Humanity. One that values our very existence, because it is precious, and it is the only one we truly have.

 

 

Supreme Court Rules Men’s Genitals Belong To U.S. Gov’t And Christianity

Life-Long Masturbator Listens To New Supreme Court Ruling

Life-Long Masturbator Listens To New Supreme Court Ruling

In a ruling that’s sure to shock more than a few people, the U.S. Supreme Court and The Christian God, have determined that a man’s genitals, and most importantly his sperm cells, DO NOT belong to him and he DOES NOT have the legal or moral right to masturbation, fornication, or touching of his genitals for any reason other than to urinate or to clean them. Any man not following this law will be summarily executed without trial.  “Each sperm cell,” the Supreme Court declared today,”is half a human being.  To ensure that the rights of these Christian sperm half people be protected, each newly born baby boy will be implanted with an electrical device which will notify authorities if masturbation is attempted at any point during the male’s life. Also, if the male attempts to fornicate outside of an approved Christian marriage, he will be hanged, eviscerated and feed his own entrails while yet alive, and all on live TV.  This ruling is final and can not be over turned. It is what the Christian God wants, and it comes from a place of deep love for all God’s creatures. Amen.”