Ann Coulter Confesses, “I Used To Be A Man!”

And not just any man, as it turns out, but 1970’s TV star, Grizzly Adams.

Ann Coulter circa 1977

Ann Coulter, circa 1977

Ann Coulter Today

Ann Coulter Today

“I always knew I was a conservative, right-wing harpy trapped in the body of a bear-loving outdoors man,” the former Mr Adams said. “But I was afraid to say anything about it because of the discrimination so many transgendered people face in America. So I secretly moved to Sweden, shaved my beard, and had a sex change operation. I stayed in Sweden working as an “escort” to wealthy business men until I earned enough money to return to the states and fully become the conservative, judgmental, bitch I always felt I was.

Hopefully my fellow conservative, judgmental friends will still embrace and love me now that they know I once had a cock and a thick-ass beard. I see no reason why they should have an issue with this. Do you?”

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Brew Ha Ha Erupts At Annual Heaven/Hell Easter Gathering

When I entered my office this morning to sit in my arm-chair and pontificate, I found it was already occupied by an exhausted and disheveled looking Jesus. I was, of course, rather surprised by this, and, after first asking him to please sit on the couch because only I sit in the arm-chair, I asked why he was there. This is what he said.

 Jesus Tells Me His Story

Jesus Tells Me His Story

“First of all, let me please apologize for my appearance and my unannounced visitation, but, after last night, I really just needed a quiet place to chill for a few hours. You see, just prior to coming here, I squelched the flames of a wild brew ha ha between Heaven and Hell. Yesterday, we held our annual Heaven & Hell Easter party at the McCormick Center here in Chicago. It was really a fun party, too, at least for the first few hours. Elvis got Buddy Holly and Roy Orbison to sing ‘Heart Break Hotel’ with him at one point, and it totally kicked ass! However, as has happened once too often now, the bloody Nazis just couldn’t resist the temptation to pick on famous Old Testament Jews.

Who'd Think This Sign Is Funny?

Who’d Think This Sign Is Funny?

From what I could gather, Joseph Mengele apparently thought it would be knee-slappingly hilarious to tape a big swastika onto the back of the Prophet Isiah who’d, once again, drunk himself into a stupor and passed out, face first, on one of the buffet tables. No one noticed it at first, but then Hitler saw it and let out a laugh so loud it shook the windows. This woke Isiah who quickly reached behind his back and removed the swastika. He then let fly a series of X-rated superlatives so crude even soldiers in the midst of battle couldn’t match them. This, of course, only provoked Hitler to more laughter, which, in turn, motivated a nearby Noah to punch Hitler in the face. Hitler then fell backward onto the floor, right in front of Gerald Ford, who, of course, tripped over him and fall into the door of a nearby broom closet producing a loud, BANG!  The door swung open to reveal a very startled JFK with his pants down and his snoodle up the doodle of Marilyn Monroe. To add more fuel to the fire, Jackie O happened to be sitting at a table directly across from all this flirting with Genghis Khan. When she saw Kennedy and Monroe together, she grabbed the sword Genghis Khan had next to him and charged the broom closet. I was just coming back into the building with Jim Morrison, we were out back smoking a pipe during all this, when Jackie O started her charge.

Taken By Jesus From Jackie O

Sword Jesus Took From Jackie

Immediately, I froze time, I’m God, I can do shit like that, and took the sword from her before unfreezing it. Then I held her in a bear hug until she calmed enough for me to trust she wouldn’t kill anyone. I then spent the next several hours sorting out what the hell happened. Once I had, I made Mengele apologize to Isiah for acting like such a, well, Nazi, and explained to Noah that, even though Hitler is evil incarnate, it was wrong to strike him. We simply have to be better than that. Anyway, after that, I came here to chill and think for a while. I’ve decided Heaven and Hell will celebrate holidays separately from now on. I’m just getting too damn old for this kinda shit.”  The end.

 

 

 

 

Trust

 

trust

What is it about

You

That I should

Trust?

Is it your wit?

Your intelligence?

Your skills in research?

Or is it that

You believe

You are

Infallible

When it comes to all things

You?

I do not

Trust

You

You

Are too full of

You

To be worthy of my

Trust

Trust,

From me, must be

Earned

And to

Earn my

Trust

You

Must admit that

You know

Nothing

About

Anything

That is

Me

Diaper Christ Wore On The Cross Sold On eBay

 Diaper Then

The Holy Diaper Then

Just in time for Easter, the diaper Christ wore while nailed to the cross on Golgotha was sold today on eBay for an undisclosed sum of money. The man who bought the soiled, bloody diaper, Richard Glas’unful, had this to say about his purchase: “I wanted to possess this macabre and disturbing artifact connected to Christ’s last agonizing hours on Earth for two reasons.

 Diaper Now

The Holy Diaper Now

One, I’m a card-carrying sadistic sociopath, raised to love Our Lord And Savior, Jesus Christ, and owning his bloody, crap-stained diaper really gets me off. Two, I want to hang the diaper in my front window every Easter season to illustrate to all who see it the true meaning of Easter. Easter’s true meaning has nothing to do with bunnies, candies, hams, or annoying little brats running about collecting stinky-ass eggs. No, the REAL meaning of Easter, its TRUE meaning, is that Jesus Christ was crucified in a diaper, a diaper, mind you, in which he shat not only feces, but blood, for us, so that we could be forgiven, by God, for the sin of apple-eating committed by Adam and that devious woman, Eve, thousands of years before any of us were even born. THAT is the true meaning of Easter, and it is found in the holy diaper of Christ which I bought today. Amen, and Hallelujah! Praise be His holy, shit-stained, diaper!”

Quotes Famous People Never Said

Gasland, Oklahoma.  Fabrication specialist, Lori L. Abia stopped by TACP offices today with some awesome quotes from some famous people that they never said. We present them for your reading pleasure below.

1.) Yoda: Well done this burger is! Order it this way, I did not. Another make me, or leave I will, and pay, I will not.

Happy With My Burger, I Am Not

Like His Burger, He Did Not

2.) Einstein: So then I says to ‘er, “Listen baby, time is NOT relative when you’re going on a date. If I say I’m pickin’ you up at 7, I mean be ready at 7, not 7:45.” Bitch had my ass sittin’ in the car waitin’ on ‘er for 45 minutes; then she pulls this “time is relative shit” with me. This homeboy don’t play like that! Last time she’ll ever be seenin’ my wrinkled old white ass! And there ain’t nuttin’ relative ’bout that!

 Dating Was Serious Business To Albert Einstein

Dating Was Serious Business To Albert Einstein

3.) John Wayne: Stay away from acting as a living, kid. All that horseback ridin’ I did in my movies gave me hemorrhoids the size of golf balls.

Acting For A Living Was A Pain In The Ass For John Wayne

Acting For A Living Was A Pain In John Wayne’s Ass

4.) Lassie: Woof! Woof! Grrrr! Pant, pant, pant. Woof! Meow!

Meow?

Meow?

5.) Batman: Robin! Did you rub Ben Gay into the codpiece of my costume again? This is NOT funny! Grow up, or find another 40-year-old man who wants to run around with a 13-year-old boy dressed in tights fighting crime all night.

Putting Ben Gay In Batman's Codpiece Got Robin In Trouble

Ben Gay In Batman’s Codpiece Really Burns Him Up

On The Non-Existence Of Theists

Lack of Understanding Is Not Evidence For GodI’ve written before, in a very pompous, self-righteous way, that, if you really think about it, no one REALLY believes in a god or afterlife. I make this statement because, for many years, I’ve heard theists say that no one REALLY is an a-theist. A-theism doesn’t exist. Deep down, they say, everyone believes in God. Though when Christians say, God, they mean Jesus, and clearly, not EVERYONE believes in Jesus. Muslims worship Yahweh’s old college chum, Allah. Yahweh is worshiped by the Jews, and Hindus, being the stone age backward thinkers they are, are polytheistic and believe in millions of gods. Oh, there are some theists who’ll claim it really is all just the same god everyone worships, he just appears to different cultures in different ways. But if truth be told, and I always tell the truth, that’s truly a crock of bullshit. There are politically influential Christian groups within the U.S. who believe in Jesus, and only Jesus as the one true god and that the Bible is literally true, word for word. There are Muslims who feel the same about the Qur’an, there are Jews who feel the same about the Torah. Each group also has VERY specific dogmas its members must follow or they risk the wrath of their god. This is the very reason I, though raised Catholic, will never say, “Oh, I’m Catholic,” to anyone who asks my religion. I’m not. I do not accept its dogmas. I’m an a-theist. Too many people say, “Oh, I’m such and such religion,” but really aren’t. How many who say they are of a particular faith still would say it if saying it meant they had to accept all the dogmas of that Faith and follow them? The dogmas of a Faith ARE that Faith. If a person says they’re Catholic, but feels they need not follow Church doctrines, are they truly Catholic? No, no, they’re not.Kubki A fool says in his heart: "There is no God.", a wise man says it to everyone. - Funny Printed Coffee Mug [BLK3158] I know Catholic Catechism and the dogma of the Church like my own hand. I had 14 years of it taught to me by the nuns and priests in the Catholic schools I attended. So I know it. Check out this site. It explains the Church doctrine on sex. http://www.vatican.va/archive/ccc_css/archive/catechism/p3s2c2a6.htm   How many people who say, “Oh, I’m Catholic,” when asked their religion, actually obey all the dogmas on sex discussed in this link? No Catholic I’ve ever known, I can tell you that. No Catholic I’ve ever known felt evil for having sex out-of-wedlock either. It’s ridiculous nonsense that no mature person should have to bother with, and most don’t. People culturally identify with their religion like they do their ethnicity. They go to the Church they grew up with because their social lives are centered around it. And they pick and choose which parts of that religion they follow, and which they ignore. This is all spiffy with me. I really don’t care. What I do care about, though, is this: Some Catholics ( this is also true in other Faiths) claim they are very deeply religious and follow all the dogmas of the Church. Cool. If they can do it and it gives them meaning, good for them. I do ask, however, that they be consistent in their approach to Catholic dogma. Here’s what I mean by that.120824_abortion_protest_reuters_328 Many Catholics who are against a woman’s right to an abortion claim they are because of Church doctrine on the issue. The Catholic Church says abortion is wrong. Period. Taking life is wrong. Period. They are very consistent with this dogma, too. Capitol punishment is also wrong to the Church. Only God can take a life. I admire the consistency of this thinking. Life is life to them. Now here’s the rub. Many, many Catholics who claim to be strict followers of Church dogma, aren’t. They’re selective followers of Church dogma. For example, there’s a young Catholic woman I know who is a strong advocate for Pro-life. She’s even done a march or two in favor of the cause. She’s VERY outspoken about the sinfulness of abortion. The Church dogma on abortion fits in well with her own feelings on the matter. Nice and peachy.  However, a new boyfriend has recently entered her life, and guess what they do when they get together? You got it! They fuck. And they fuck using birth control.

Unwed Pro-Life Catholics, About To Fuck

Unwed Pro-Life Catholics, About To Fuck

Man, do I have an issue with her Pro-life ass now. Let’s see, she feels it is her fucking right, backed powerfully by her “faith” in Church dogma, to dictate to other women what they can and can not do with their own fucking bodies, but she can choose to ignore Church doctrine on sex outside an approved marriage and birth control because those dogmas interfere with her sex life? Right. It is a deep, mortal sin she commits every time she fucks, wanks, or blows her boyfriend. Abortion is also a mortal sin. The Church sees fucking out-of-wedlock just as mortally sinful as abortion.  Fuck this gal. I’ve 0% respect for her bullshit faith and even less for her. You want to point fingers, you’d better point them at yourself first.I-see-hypocritesThis type of bullshit is what makes organized religion the contemptible puss sack it is. It’s merely a vehicle through which mortal beings project their own fears, hates, and phobias onto a made up deity to justify them to themselves.  Humans make religions, and humans make gods. There are no real theists. No one, deep down inside, truly believes in god. Because if I KNEW, with total certainty, that I was immortal; that God was real because he talked to me, I’d be calm, cool, relaxed, and at peace with the Cosmos. Anyone would be. You’d be set for all eternity. Deep down in the hearts of religious folks is a huge hole of disbelief and fear. A fear that says,”You must crush all faiths other than your own. This will make what you believe righteous and powerful.” There really are no real theists. So former theists, stop bullshitting yourselves about god and join the a-theist family today. We’re a sinful, decadent group. You’ll love being part of it. Imperious Rex!pro_life_pro_war_pro_death_penalty_hypocrite_postcard-r75127a7bae2b48749ac3bc4b4110c347_vgbaq_8byvr_324

Coming Soon, PontificatorFlix

 Stream The Brilliance Of TACP Movies Striaght To Your TV With PontificatorFlix

Stream The Brilliance Of TACP Straight To Your TV With PontificatorFlix

Here are a few original shows now in production for our new video streaming service, PontificatorFlix. It will be available starting this June for a small monthly fee of two Christian infants and a donkey not weighing less than 100 pounds. Sign up now, and receive a free set of Republican-Thumpin’ brass knuckles designed to knock even the densest Republican brain into oblivion.

1.) Another Brokeback Mountain: A 13 part mini-series that stars Creationist, Ken Ham and Christian apologist, William Lane Craig as two self-aggrandizing Christian bigots who “cute meet” at a God hates fags rally in Texas and, ironically, fall head over heels in love with each other. Watch the hilarity as Ken and William have heated discussions on who’s gonna pitch, who’s gonna catch, and what type of lube is best to avoid anal chaffing. This one’s gonna be fun for the whole family, folks!

Ken Ham & William Lane Craig Share Their First Kiss In: Another Brokeback Mountain

Ken Ham & William Lane Craig Share Their First Kiss In: Another Brokeback Mountain

2.) The Walking Fred: Freddie Mercury returns from the grave and walks the earth looking for other undead musicians in order to create a new band called, The Risen Queen.  Enjoy great music and shocking, gore-filled special effects in this soon to be classic horror show produced exclusively for PontificatorFlix.

Freddie Mercury Returns From The Dead In: The Walking Fred

Freddie Mercury Returns From The Dead In: The Walking Fred

3.) Dick Cheney & The Terrible, No Good, Very Rotten, Bad Day: Former U.S. Vice-President and rat-bastard extraordinaire, Dick Cheney, awakes one day to discover he’s been transformed into a 30-year-old, female, Asian prostitute enslaved to a sadistic Iraqi army general named, Eval Mean Dude. Watch in joyful glee as the former V.P. embarks on a life of sexual slavery in a country he once bombed into oblivion while looking for weapons of mass destruction that never existed. This one is rated TVMA for its graphic, and repeated, use of the phrase: “Republican mother fucker, take that!”

Dick Cheney In: Dick Cheney & The Terrible, Awful, Really, Really Bad Day

Dick Cheney In: Dick Cheney & The Terrible, No Good, Very Rotten, Bad Day

That’s all for now, but check back soon for more info on more shows coming soon to PontificatorFlix.