Washington, D.C. In one of his final acts as President, Barack Obama today revoked the Second Amendment and banned all private ownership of firearms. In addition, President Obama said he will use every branch of the U.S. Military to remove every gun from every household in America starting tomorrow at 6AM EST. Anyone failing to comply with this Presidential decree will be summarily executed on the spot. Anyone attempting to hide a gun or guns, will be summarily executed on the spot. Lastly, anyone complaining about any of this will be summarily executed on the spot. Thanks for your time, and may God bless America.
Get ready to laugh your backside off this fall when TACP Studios new film, Barack And The Giant Peach comes to a theater near you. The film stars Barack Obama as a poor peach farmer named Barack Pickleburger who comes across a magical talking giant peach, played by Donald Trump, while picking peaches in his peach tree orchard one day.
The two immediately get into a name-calling contest over whose political ideas regarding the inalienable rights of peaches are correct. Barack strongly feels peaches are here to be freely eaten by humans and emphatically says things like, “The only good peach is a chewed peach.” And, “A peach not being eaten has absolutely no business being in America.”
Donald Trump, as the Giant Peach, retorts with witty comments like these: “Peaches are valuable just because we are. Eating us is not only unnecessary, it’s barbaric and cruel.” And, “If you don’t stop eating my people, I’m going to build a wall around this peach tree orchard so you can’t get to it, and I’m gonna make YOU pay for it.” Enjoy the laughs this fall! Buy your tickets now for Barack And The Giant Peach on Fandango before they’re all sold out. This is a film you most definitely do not want to miss.
Swastika Village, Texas. Do you have trouble finding Christmas gifts for your racist pals in the Alt-Right movement? Are you an Alt-Right member yourself who feels discriminated against because there are no toys marketed toward white supremacists? Well, your worries are over. Just in time for Christmas, the All Colors Are Great As Long As They’re White Toy Company is releasing several new Alt-Right talking plush toys designed to make white supremacists of all ages giddy with joy. These toys are only $9.99 a piece, and if you order one now, you’ll get a free, Trump May Be Orange, But We Love Him Any Way t-shirt absolutely free. Here are pics of the toys along with the phrases they’ll say when you, or your racist kids, squeeze them.
Order yours now while supplies last at http://www.luvwhites.com
Chicago, Illinois. The results of a study conducted by Professor James Smartman, head of the genetics department at the University of Chicago, show what many intelligent humans have always suspected, males of the white supremacist race have extremely tiny penises. “It’s true,” Professor Smartman said earlier. “All of the white supremacist men who took part in this study had penises no longer or thicker than the pubic hair surrounding them. It was, to be honest, very difficult not to laugh at these poor, pathetic creatures as I studied their tiny willies. How this particular group of humans can procreate when the males of the species have such minute genitalia is beyond me. But, unfortunately for the rest of us, they’ve found a way. They’re also not the smartest apples hanging on the homo sapien tree. To get them to participate in this study, all I had to do was offer them a free six-pack and an Uncle Adolph Hitler plush toy. They were happy to let me measure their penises whilst they drank beer, belched, and played with good ole Uncle Adolph. I’ll next be conducting a study to determine whether or not white supremacists have testicles because, to be honest, I didn’t see any while I was digging through their pubes looking for their penises.”
1.) I’ve been trying to get a divorce, but since I’m not married, I’m finding it hard to do.
2.) I’m trying to become mayor of a small town in Mexico, any small Mexican town will do, but since I don’t speak Spanish, I’m finding it difficult to do.
3.) I’m trying to build a particle accelerator in my studio apartment, but I’m finding it hard to do because I don’t have enough room.
4.) I’m trying to start a career as a porn star by touting myself as The Stud With The 15″ Penis, but since my penis is only 5 and one half inches, I’m finding it difficult to do.
5.) I’m trying to come up with ten of these but I’m finding it hard to do, so I’ll end here.
Lots ‘O Time Town, Arkansas. The results of a new study conducted by Professor Dickie Bartholomew Linkensmarter the Third of the University of Sudden Importance were released today which show a direct correlation between the use of emojis and finger cancer. ” These results are as frightening as they are scary,” Professor Linkensmarter said earlier. “Those who use emojis, and who doesn’t, have a 99% chance of developing terminal finger cancer by the time they’re 55 years old. I asked over 100 separate people who looked like they had cancerous fingers whether or not they used emojis when sending messages with their cell phones and iPads. 99 of them said they did. I then asked each of those people their age, and not a one was over 55. Clearly, these results show that the use of emojis while texting your friends causes finger cancer: finger cancer that will probably kill you before you’re 55. I hope all who read this understand the extreme danger of emoji use and stop using them today. Remember, your fingers are more important to you than any smiley ever could be.”
Here are 10 things I’ve learned recently.
1.) I do not have the power of 50 men in my right arm.
2.) I should not jump off garage roofs for fun.
3.) Skunks do not like to be cuddled.
4.) Placing one’s hand into a mound of fire ants has very painful consequences.
5.) Tequila is not for snorting.
6.) Women do not find it sexy that I can eat 12 jelly donuts at once.
7.) A good way to lose friends is by putting tiger balm in their jocks.
8.) Spitting cobras are not good pets for the elderly.
9.) Calling large, muscular dudes in the gym sissy-boys is a bad idea.
10.) Riding horses naked through large metropolitan areas in subzero weather impresses no one.