I’m Running For The Senate In 2020

Hello, my fellow Americans.  I’m running for the Senate in 2020 as a Republican.  The main policy on my platform will be to build gas chambers and crematoriums throughout the country to deal with the “problem” of the poor and the disabled.  Really, do we need ’em?  More importantly, do we need to pay taxes for idiotic programs to “help” ’em?  Seriously, do we?  Naw.  Gas ’em.  Cremate ’em, and use their ashes to fertilize American veggie gardens.  I feel my policy here is sound and will be backed by the all-loving power of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, TrueChristians everywhere, and the best/wealthiest 1% of America’s proudest conservative citizens.

The Simple Solution To Poverty In America

I’ve always considered myself an independent who’s leaned left, but, lately, I’ve been changed by the joyous rapture I experience when watching President Trump and his ilk bringing the positive love and empathy they do to our fine country.  So, I’ve now become a Christ-loving, conservative Republican who believes in wiping out the poor and disabled, literally, and making America a true, tax-free, Christian theocracy so the all-encompassing love of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ can be shared with every single American whether they want it to be or not.  I say, let’s gas and cremate ALL disabled and poor/lazy people, who are sucking our country dry of resources, so we can give rich people handouts, OOPS, I mean tax breaks, and deport anyone who doesn’t agree with my idea of a TrueChristian, theocratic, federal government.

My ideas may very well disturb you if you’re an atheist or non-Christian when my Christian theocracy becomes the rule of law in America, but, get ready, because it soon will.  There’s so much quiet complacency and lack of involvement, politically speaking, in our country, especially by young people, that a radical, gas chamber-buildin’, conservative Christian like me can’t help but develop enough power to win the Senate, and eventually the White House itself.  And I’ll do it all right in front of a stunned nation that’ll, perhaps, later say, “How the eff did THAT guy get SO much power and why isn’t anyone doing ANYTHING to stop him?  Christ, they’ve just gassed and cremated 659 poor and disabled people not more’n a block down the street from me!  Whaaa haaaapeenn?!”

If you begin to worry at all about what I’m saying here or think that it may, just may, be wrong or, heaven forbid, in bad taste, don’t.  It’s harmless.  I’m harmless.  So, don’t worry.  There’s no need to get involved in a fight over the things I plan on doing for America.  As a matter of fact, I’m counting on most people NOT getting involved.  You know, like usual.

Lastly, I’d like to leave you with these thoughts.  There are a few disabled vets in my building who are complaining that their food stamps are gonna be cut off due to the current government shut down.  Really? I mean, COME ON!!!!  How friggin’ LAZY can people get!!!!  Why in the name of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, should MY tax dollars go to pay for some disabled person’s food in the first place???!!! Talk about a friggin’ WASTE of MY hard-earned money!!! If anything good at all comes out of this shut down, it will be to expose the lazy bastards out there getting free food on OUR tax dollars!!!  Christ, this is NOT good.  See, if we just gassed and cremated ALL of these poor and disabled lazy bastards, we’d all have more $$ in our pockets.  And the air would smell better too because, let’s be honest, poor and disabled people STINK to high heaven.  Yuck.

IBTD1 For U.S. Senate

When I win my Senate race in 2020, I will have the political power to begin implementing my political agenda.  I’ve been getting positive support for my ideas from my Christian pals on the right and from conservatives in general throughout America.  I’m counting on most “regular” folks to not take me my agenda seriously and think I’m really no different from whichever liberal bastard I’ll run against in 2020.  It’s all the same.  It’s all the same.  It’s all the same.  If everyone repeats this ten times when they kinda get worried about my agenda, they’ll stop worryin’, and all will be the same.  All will be the same.  All will be the same.  Vote for Inspiredbythedivine1 in 2020.  Vote to end poverty by gassing and cremating the poor, and vote to finally bring a Christian theocracy into America as law.  $Amen$

 

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Six Things You Don’t Want To Hear From Your Doctor.

“Trust Me. Everything Will Be A-Okay!”

1.)  I’ve never used duct tape for this type of procedure before, but, like they say, there’s a first time for everything.

2.)  Well, Mr. Smith, I’m sorry to inform you, but, from now on, you’ll have to pee sitting down.

3.)  Now, don’t move.  I’ll need to keep my hand up here for about ten minutes or we’ll need to start all over.

4.)  No, it is NOT supposed to be that color?

5.)  There’s a 65% chance you’ll still be able to have sex after this.

6.)  Ms. Johnson, the next time I have to remove one of these from you, I’m going to notify PETA.

 

 

I Probably Shouldn’t Have Used A Lightsaber For…

I received a working lightsaber for Christmas last year.  Here are some things I probably shouldn’t have used it for.

My Lightsaber

1.)  Opening a can of tuna.

2.)  Cleaning the wax out of my ears.

3.)  Brushing my hamster.

4.)  Chasing a group of young ruffians off of my lawn.

5.)  A vibrator.

6.)  Knocking on my neighbor’s door.

7.)  Filling out my income taxes.

8.)  Wiping my butt after going #2.

9.)  Eating spaghetti.

10.)  Proposing to my girlfriend.

 

Offers I Made To Putin In 2016

As everyone who follows this blog knows, I ran a very intense campaign in 2016 for the Presidency of the United States.  Like Donald Trump, I too tried to get Russian President, Vladimir Putin to help me win it.  Here’s a list of some of the things I offered Putin in exchange for his help.

“Nyet! These offers suck!” Putin shouts

1.)  A 50,000 dollar studio apartment in downtown Gary, Indiana.

2.)  A hairless cat named Bill.

3.)  2 goldfish.  One was alive.

4.)  The key to the roller skates I had when I was 11.

5.)  A ticket stub to a Cubs v Mets game from 1997.

6.)  A Playboy magazine from 1985.  It was, however, missing the centerfold.

7.)  A set of rakes to be used in case of forest fires.

8.)  A working VCR and 4 video taped recordings of the first 3 seasons of The Golden Girls.

9.)  My second grade report card with my mother’s signature on it.

10.)  A 4 dollar gift certificate to Taco Bell from 1999.

Sadly, even with me offering him all these wonderful things, Putin decided to help Donald Trump win the Presidency in 2016 and not me.  And we all know how THAT’S turned out.  Happily, I’m trying again in 2020, and THIS time I’m going to ask Kim Jong-un to help me.  Hopefully, he will.  I’ll let you know.

 

 

I’ve Offered To Make A Plea Deal With Robert Mueller

“The Arm Chair Who Wants To Do What?” Says Robert Mueller

In case anyone is concerned with my day-to-day activities, and who, for Christ’s sake isn’t, I’ve recently offered to make a plea deal with Robert Mueller and give him everything I know about Donald Trump and Russia.   He told me, “No way, pal,” since I’ve not been charged with anything, and, in reality, have absolutely NOTHING to do with Trump OR Russia.  This is kind of a bummer as I’d hoped to make a deal were I could be relocated to Hawaii and be surrounded by beautiful women agents who’d do anything I asked them to until my dying day.   Oh, well, what can ya do, eh?  Welp, I’m off to write threatening letters to members of the Nobel Prize Committee for STILL not recognizing my self-awarded Nobel Prize.  $Amen$

A Few Rambling Pontifications Based Entirely On Empirical Evidence

Photo-Realistic Painting Of The Arm Chair Pontificator

1.)  People who do good only because they believe an invisible guy will send them to eternal hell if they don’t are shit-heads we’d be better off without.

2.)  Just because I do not believe your assertion that there’s an invisible guy or invisible beings running the universe does not mean I’m making an assertion that such things absolutely do not or can not exist.  Perhaps they do.  I simply have seen nothing to convince me of this.  Nothing.

3.)  Who’s in a better position to explain what my thoughts and feelings are on something, me or you?

4.)  Those who argue vehemently that there IS and MUST be a god are, deep down, terrified they’re wrong.

5.)  Why do Christians argue that evolution is wrong with non biologists?  If you wish to assert evolution is wrong, go to the evolutionary biology department at the University of Chicago and explain it to the scientists there.  Then, if you can convince them with your wisdom, knowledge and expertise on the subject that you’re right, let me know.

6.)  Let’s say you’ve succeeded at number 5 from above and convinced the evolutionary biologists at the University of Chicago that evolution is a crock of dinosaur poop.  Great.  That’s grand.  You’ve proven I was an idiot for thinking those folks had a solid basis for their scientific theory.  However, do you know what you’ve not proven to me?  JESUS!  You STILL have to provide demonstrable evidence for your particular take on your particular god in order for me to give credence to your assertions that he is real.  OK?  I’m waiting.

7.)  The world is beautiful. The universe is mind-boggling and immense.  How did it come to be?  Why is it here?  Why are we here?  There’s one honest answer to these questions.  One answer that is “right.”  That answer is, I don’t know.  And do ya know what?  Neither do you.

8.)  I honestly do not care what you believe or do not believe.   However, when you try to legislate your religious beliefs so that I, too, will be governed by them, I’m gonna fight back against you with every breath I take.

9.)  I get more joy and love from my dog than I’ve ever gotten from any invisible being or entity.

10.)  While living life at times is hard for me, I find living it as best I can each day to be far more productive than dwelling on my death and on what comes after it.  My death will create in the universe the same state that was here for the 13.7 billion years before I was born.  I simply won’t exist, and, after a brief period of time, no one will even notice.

11.)  People who can’t laugh at and/or mock themselves occasionally will never be winners of self-awarded Nobel Prizes the way I have.

$Amen$

 

Texas And Florida Devoured By Giant Turkeys

Here’s a Thanksgiving day classic from yesteryear. I won a Pulitzer for this.

The Arm Chair Pontificator

Giant Turkeys Like These Devoured Florida And Texas That Was Yummy!

A devastating blow against Christian Conservatives and Tea Party advocates alike was struck this morning when Giant Turkeys materialized simultaneously in Texas and Florida and completely devoured both states.  Nothing remains where the two states once stood but a light covering of Giant Turkey shit.  Before returning from whence they came, the leader of the Giant Turkeys, Mr. Gobble Yercock,  gave an insightful, informative interview to TACP’s editor ‘n chief, me.  The transcript of this interview, without any embellishment by TACP, is presented below.

TACP:  Let me begin, Mr. Gobble Yercock, by saying, what a fucking entrance! Yesterday no one knew Giant Turkeys even existed, and today, BAM! You’ve devoured both Texas and Florida and it isn’t even noon yet. Impressive, most impressive.

Giant Turkey Leader, Mr. Gobble Yercock Giant Turkey Leader, Mr. Gobble Yercock

Gobble Yercock: Well, what can I say. We’re a dramatic entrance bunch, we Giant Turkeys. We specialize in…

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