Things I Should Not Have Done Or Said

You Did Or Said WHAT???

10.)  I should not have told the cop who pulled me over for speeding that I’d stop sleeping with his wife if he didn’t give me a ticket.

9.)  I should not have had a full plate of re-fried beans for dinner an hour before my girlfriend performed oral sex on me.

8.)  I should not have wandered into a children’s ward in the hospital wearing nothing but a smile and an orange condom.

7.)  I should not have released a bag of a thousand spiders and centipedes on the food buffet table at my 89 year old grandmother’s birthday party.

6.)  I should not have entered a local talent contest as a cat juggler and tried to juggle 6 adult cats at once.  (BAD idea!)

5.)  I should not have tried to save money by using the leaves from an elephant ear plant as a diaper for my 6 month old niece.

4.)  I should not have dressed as a rabbi and tried to circumcise my Jewish neighbor’s son, especially because he was 6 years old and already circumcised.

3.)  I should not have thought using a can of compressed air as toilet paper would do a sufficient job of cleaning my rump after going number two.

2.)  I should not have bit down on my dentist’s finger as hard as I could “just to see what would happen” during a routine dental cleaning.

1.)  I should not have prank-called the members of the the Nobel Prize Committee threatening to “kick their asses for refusing to give me my self-awarded Nobel Prize” without using a burner phone.  (Did you realize YOUR number shows up on OTHER people’s phones when you call them?  Go figure!)

 

 

 

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More On My 2020 Platform For The Senate

I just read report by some libtard, weak-kneed SJW fool that poverty, in America, is caused by “environment”.   Well, to this I say, “Environment my fat, dimpled ass!”  It’s gas chambers and crematoriums that are needed to end poverty in America, not fixes to the “environment,” and, by Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, I stand by this statement! Look, we can ALL agree that poverty in America is caused by one thing and one thing only: laziness.  Only the lazy CHOOSE to be and remain poor.  The poor, like the disabled, the elderly, and the gay, are stains on this proud, Christian country. America was founded by strong, straight, non-disabled, non-poor, white men. There can be NO argument here. None. The only way to end laziness, poverty, disabled people, non-Christain people, and gay people, is to gas and cremate those who deliberately choose to live these lifestyles.  Let’s be clear here, these are lifestyle CHOICES we are talking about.   NO ONE is poor for ANY other reason in America except laziness. PERIOD!

Environment My Ass! Laziness Causes Poverty!

I should NOT have to deal with these types of “people,” and neither should anyone else.  So, vote for me for the Senate in 2020 and I’ll bring to Congress my platform to gas and cremate EVERY person in America who is SO lazy as to be poor, gay, disabled, and/or old. Truly, with the love and help of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and me as a senator, we can make America Free Again so decent, Christian, straight, non-poor, non-gay, non-lazy Americans can walk the streets safely, proudly and without the blight of lazy people assaulting us at every turn.
God bless, America, and God bless those who choose to not be so fucking lazy as to be poor, disabled, gay, or old. $Amen$

My 2020 Platform For The Senate

As some of my readers may know, I’m running for the Senate in 2020 on the following platform: We need to rid America of the pestilence that is poverty by building gas chambers and crematoriums throughout our great country to “get rid” of the poor, the elderly and the disabled–ain’t nuttin worse than a poor AND disabled person, BTW–by gassing and cremating the lazy bastards, ASAP.

I’m SICK and tired of the poor! SICK OF THEM!!!!  It is SO obvious that the poor are poor by choice due to their laziness. This is simply NOT arguable.  Anyone arguing otherwise is a leftist, liberal, SJW piece of crap unable to have calm, rational, non-name-calling discussions.  Period.  We also need to make America a Christian theocracy and put an end to the craziness that is gay marriage and gay “people” in general.  Being gay, like being poor, is a conscious CHOICE done by lazy people who refuse to do the work necessary to be true, God-loving, decent, non-poor, non-disabled, tax-paying, Jesus- worshiping, heterosexual human beings. Again, these are facts and are inerrant in their truth. To deny this is to admit ones own laziness and to brand oneself as a liberal, leftist, snowflake, whining, Hillary-loving, anti-American hack.

To conclude, America will never be free for decent, non-poor, non-gay, Christian humans until enough gas chambers and crematoriums are built to “eliminate” the blight of lazy bastards like the poor and the “gay” from the face of the earth. This can best be done under the all-loving embrace of a Christian theocratic government where the love of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, is placed above the hideous laziness of the poor, the gay, the disabled and the gay, disabled poor.

A Vote For Me Is A Vote For Christ

MAFA.  Make America Free Again in 2020.  Vote for me, and help me gas and cremate the poor, the gay, the non-Christian, the disabled and, most importantly, the poor, gay, non-Christian disabled folks who tarnish America’s greatness with their lazy stench and sickening lifestyle.
Yours in Christ’s love, The Arm Chair Pontificator.

P.S. I forgot to mention, we also need to gas and cremate anyone seeking or talking about getting or performing an abortion. These LAZY people, if you can truly even call them “people”, clearly do not deserve the love of Christ or to be anywhere near true, decent, Jesus-loving Americans. Have a lovely day, and remember: Vote for The Arm Chair Pontificator in 2020 so we can begin to bring my dream of a pure, non-lazy America to fruition by wiping out those less worthy, and far more lazy, than we, ourselves, are.  $Amen$

Eyes Open On Shroud Of Turin

Another older post few got to see. Check it out. It’s short.

The Arm Chair Pontificator

In Rome this morning, Fr. Peter Doodelbug, Chief Archeologist of the Vatican, revealed this photograph of The Shroud of Turin which he claims he personally took just yesterday.

Wadda You Lookin' At! Wadda You Lookin’ At!

“I rolled the Shroud back to take a little peek last night, and its eyes opened! Good thing I had my phone camera on me and was able to take this picture. I also could swear I heard the Shroud speak. It said, ‘Wadda YOU lookin at man?!’ or something to that effect,” Fr. Doodelbug said, as he rode an exercise bike in the Vatican gym while conducting this interview.

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Brew Ha Ha Erupts At Annual Heaven/Hell Easter Gathering

Here’s a fun tale, told by Jesus, to me, about a riotous Easter party from some years back. Enjoy.

The Arm Chair Pontificator

When I entered my office this morning to sit in my arm-chair and pontificate, I found it was already occupied by an exhausted and disheveled looking Jesus. I was, of course, rather surprised by this, and, after first asking him to please sit on the couch because only I sit in the arm-chair, I asked why he was there. This is what he said.

 Jesus Tells Me His Story Jesus Tells Me His Story

“First of all, let me please apologize for my appearance and my unannounced visitation, but, after last night, I really just needed a quiet place to chill for a few hours. You see, just prior to coming here, I squelched the flames of a wild brew ha ha between Heaven and Hell. Yesterday, we held our annual Heaven & Hell Easter party at the McCormick Center here in Chicago. It was really a fun party, too, at least for the first…

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The Critic

“The problem is,” said The Critic, “is that the universe is an un-ordered place, and disorder, in all circumstances, is simply unacceptable.   My job as a critic, is to point out disorder, critique it, and hope, by this critique, to motivate change toward perfection.  I can’t abide ANYTHING that is, or appears to be, not organized and perfect.  I need all paintings and pictures on all walls I see to be hung perfectly straight and rightly aligned.   If, for example, I go into someone’s house and see that their pictures are hung even slightly crooked, or that the utensils in their kitchen cabinets are in ANY sort of disarray, I’ve no problem pointing it out to them.  Only weak-minded fools live in such a chaotic state.  My will is disciplined and strong from decades of hard study and controlled, reasoned thoughts.  My job, as The Critic, is to correct the flaws and weaknesses in others by riding them mercilessly about what I perceive to be their short comings.   Wear a suit with a tie that doesn’t quite match, and I’ll trash you for it.  I’ll trash you until I humiliate you enough to change your ways and correct the flaws I see in you.   Date someone who I think isn’t attractive, and I’ll tell you you’re a buffoon for doing so.  Perfection is all, and order is God.

Through discipline, criticism, and ordered thought, I see my place on earth as a force to better it, and by doing so, to better life for all humans on it.   When I leave this life, my tombstone shall read, ‘Here Lies A Man Who Accepted NOTHING But Order, Perfection, And Discipline.’  Some may find my constant demand for perfection, as my learned mind sees it, as too harsh, too strict, too unreasonable.  To them I say, you’re weak, cowardly, and afraid to admit that MY way of order, MY insight into life and how it should be lived, is the RIGHT one.   Many hear my criticisms of them and the world and shake in terror because they are awed by my brilliance and my greatness and know living up to them may not be possible for them.  A superior intellect and a superior human being can be intimidating to many.  Others who fear me say I’m a cruel man who should not be listened to.  Fear does that to weak minds.  But, in the end, I KNOW my way will be seen as right by everyone.  My legacy will last forever, and I will be remembered as the greatest, most ordered and disciplined mind to have ever lived.  Schools will teach children of the value MY sense of correctness, order and righteousness brought to this world, and holidays will be celebrated in my honor many centuries after I’m gone.  I am The Critic.  I am the voice of greatness.  I am the voice of reason and order and no one will ever be able to say, in the long run, that I was wrong.  It was my destiny to criticize those weaker than I.  It was my righteous task.  These are facts that, in time, all will see as true.   So sayeth The Critic.  So sayeth the perfect human mind.”

The Critic died in his 78th year of life.  He was alone when it happened–a heart attack, say the doctors.   Since he had no next of kin, and lived friendless and alone because no one, in his opinion, was good enough to be anywhere near him or in his home, his body lie rotting for two weeks before his neighbors began to smell it decaying and called authorities to come check on him.   Flies, maggots, beetles and rats were feasting on his corpse when the police found it.  The ooze from his decaying corpse had dripped into the fine woodwork of his living room floor and ruined it.  It all had to be torn up and disposed of due to the smell that could not be washed away.  His perfectly aligned books and paintings were also ruined from the odor of his rotting body and had to be disposed of.   His entire, meticulously built home was gutted and repaired with the most basic and common of drywall and other building materials.  A common, middle class man eventually bought the place.  He worked hard, but wasn’t a home body, not really.  So he let the yard grow wild.  It eventually resembled a dandelion forest as his lack of proper maintenance allowed said flower to completely take over.  No sign that a perfect critic and man had once tended to a perfectly manicured lawn remained.   All was rather common and benignly undisciplined.  It was all very normal now.

As for The Critic’s body, it was roughly autopsied and eventually buried in an old, rarely used grave yard somewhere south of his once perfectly ordered home.  His grave was marked with a single crooked, cracked stone which read, “Here Lies The Critic.   A Man Who Will Forever Be Remembered For Just How Perfect He Was.”

Jesus Allows The Patriots To Win, Again

The Patriots: They Win Cause Of Jesus

MAGA Town, North Dakota.    Once again, as he has 6 times in the past, Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ has allowed the New England Patriots to win the Super Bowl.  The Pats, led by Christ-lover, Tom Brady, beat the L.A. Rams yesterday by the score of 13 to 3.   What can we, as Americans and Christians, learn from this event?  Well, we can learn this: without a deep belief in Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and without repeated, heart-felt prayers to Jesus, it isn’t possible to win a Super Bowl, or any sporting event for that matter.   No matter what you may hear or believe, know that without the support of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, the Patriots would not have won yesterday.  Obviously, they prayed to him harder than the Rams did, and, also obviously, talent, consistency, and great play had nothing to do with their victory.  It is ONLY because Jesus WANTED them to win that they did.  It is also painfully obvious that Jesus did not want the Rams to win.  Or else they would’ve.  Simple.

See kiddies, it’s that easy.  Pray to Jesus.  Love him.  Worship him, and, if you do all those things correctly, you can win a Super Bowl.  Talent be damned!  Without Jesus, winning the Super Bowl isn’t possible.  Just ask the Rams who, today, should be holding their heads in shame and asking themselves, “What exactly did we do to piss off Jesus so much that he didn’t let us win?”  They didn’t pray as hard as the Patriots.  That is THE only acceptable and reasonable answer here.   Screw practice.  Screw talent.  Prayer to Jesus wins ball games.  Period.  If you think I’m wrong, just ask the Rams.  $Amen$