5 Spiffy Arguments That You Can Use To Blow People’s Minds

Wanna bend people’s minds and blow ’em through the stratosphere like a true, blue young earth creationist?  Just use one or two of these well-argued arguments and you’ll be the envy of everyone who knows you.

1.)  If someone tells you the earth is older than 6000 years and wasn’t created by God, ask them this:   “Well, how do you know?  Where you there 6000 years ago when God created it?”  Ha!  that one’s a mic dropper, ain’t it.

2.)  Tell someone Julius Caesar never lived and is a fictional character.  If they disagree with you, say this:  “How would you know?  Were you there when he lived?”  Awesome, right!  You should see the looks I get from people when I drop this logic bomb on them!

3.)  Tell people you are being abducted by grey-skinned aliens every night, having coffee with them, and, sometimes, having sex with them.   If they question this assertion, tell them this: “Look, since you’re not there when this happens to me, and these aliens, for some reason, won’t appear to anyone BUT me, you can’t say it isn’t happening.   Until you can prove to me that it isn’t happening, it is.”  BAM!!!   YUGE win for the home team!

3.)  If someone tells you that climate change is real and 99% of earth’s scientists believe this, drop this winner on them: “Oh, really?  Since it can’t be ABSOLUTELY proven, with 100% certainty, that this is true, it isn’t, so you lose, you fuckin’ libtard!”   This one is SUCH a wonderful argument, I’m often punched in face right after I tell it to someone.  Libtards are SO sensitive when they’re proven wrong, aren’t they.

4.)  Here’s a great statement to say to people at kids’ birthday parties:  “All women who claim they’ve been sexually assaulted, and don’t have video and/or DNA evidence to prove it, are liars.”   If people attempt to question this or act offended that you said it, tell ’em this:  “Look, sissy, were you there when every woman who says she was sexually assaulted was?  If you weren’t then shut up with your stupid questions and go home!”  Man, this one is SO solid, I often pee a little after I say it!

5.)  Finally, here’s a great argument to prove whatever it is you believe to be true is.  “Since we don’t know everything about everything, then we must believe anything MIGHT be true.  Thus, what I’m saying is true no matter how much you don’t believe it or how extremely unlikely you say it is!”   This argument has ended more conversations for me than I can number.  Use it, and you’ll see why.

Peace out, and remember, since all opinions are equal, yours are some of the most brilliant that have ever been held in mankind’s history.

 

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10 Things That Are True Because We Can’t Prove They’re Not

1.)  We aren’t absolutely certain how the Egyptian pyramids were built, therefore they MUST have been built by aliens from space.

2.)  If a door suddenly slams shut in the middle of the night in your apartment and you don’t immediately see anyone around who could have slammed it, it MUST have been a ghost.

3.)  If a tornado kills hundreds of people during a terrible storm, it MUST have been because God hates gays.

4.)  When your favorite team wins the Super Bowl, it MUST be because God loves them more than the other team.

5.)  God IS the creator of the multiverse because no one can prove she’s not.

6.)  Aliens are, nightly, abducting people into their ships and fondling their genitals. And one can prove they’re not.

7.)  There is no God but Allah, and no one can definitively prove otherwise.

8.)  Jesus is God, the only god, and part of a trilogy of gods who are, in fact, only one god, even though there are three of them, and there’s not a single person alive who can prove with 100% certainty that this is not true.

9.)  It is a fact that there are hundreds, or perhaps even thousands of gods, as the Hindus believe, and not even Steven Hawking, with Einstein’s help, could have shown, without ANY doubt whatsoever, that this is NOT absolutely true.

10.)  Hillary Clinton and Barrack Obama are running a very secret, no one knows about it, not really, child prostitution ring out of a pizza parlor with the help of the CIA, the FBI, the NAACP, and the ACLU, and there’s no one, no group, and no organization that can ABSOLUTELY show that this very secret, almost unknown activity, is in fact, NOT really happening.

 

 

 

 

Interesting Essay About The Historicity Of Jesus

http://www.nazarethmyth.info/Fitzgerald2010HM.pdf

Thought I’d share this well-written essay about the historicity of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, with you all.   This isn’t really something I’ve an enormous interest in, but I thought this piece was quite good.  Now, I’m going to drop to my knees and thank the Lord Christ and the members of the Republican party for loving every person in America equally and without judgement or prejudice.   Thank you, and please, if you MUST chew gum while we’re driving, do not stick it under the car seat when you’re done.  $Amen$

Are Trump Supporters A-Holes?

Yes.  Yes they are.  And here’s why.  Let me tell you a story.  It’s about me and a friend I had when I was a kid.  His name was Erin.  I met Erin when we were about 6 or 7 years old.   Erin lived on my block and we hung out a lot playing games and such.   I often was invited to Erin’s home for dinner and to watch TV after school.  I thought Erin’s folks were great people, especially his dad.  His dad was one of the nicest, coolest guys I ever met in my 7 years of life up to that point.   He raised German Shepard puppies, gave us cake and cookies when I came over, and was, as far as I could tell, very loving to his wife, Erin’s mom.  He was also a Neo-Nazi who had a giant swastika hanging over his collection of WW2 firearms which he kept in a display case in the living room for all to see.  And, though I didn’t know what it was at the time, he often dressed in an S.S. uniform when he was at home.  Why, I don’t really know, but he did.

Now, as a little kid, I had no idea what any of this stuff meant.  I just liked Erin and his really nice, cool dad cause he was so nice to me.  Later, when I got older, about 16 or 17, I think, and understood what Nazis were and that they weren’t the greatest folks around, I asked Erin’s dad why he decided to be one and support their ideas.  He sat me down and told me how awful Jews and blacks were, how evil and dangerous they were, and how we white people had to do all we could to protect ourselves and our country from them.   At that point, I thought to myself that no matter how nice he’d always been to me, Erin’s dad was, in fact, an a-hole.  Deep down inside, no matter what wondrous things he’d done for Erin, Erin’s mom, and the cute German Shepard puppies he always had around, he was, because of his ideology about Nazis, a real a-hole.  Though I’m not saying they are as bad as Nazis, not yet anyway, I feel the same thing can be said today of Trump supporters.  No matter how nice they are to their pets, children, and elderly parents; no matter how many college degrees they have or what high paying, important jobs they may have, they are, deep down, true a-holes for supporting Trump and his insipidly disgusting political agenda.

A-Holes And Their Master

Trump and his supporters are hurting the country, hurting the world, and hurting me and things I value as an American.  I truly do not give a darn about how many degrees they have, how many Mexican and black friends they have, how many babies they kiss, how many kitties they rescue from trees or how many puppies and orphans they’re providing foster homes for.  If they support Trump, and what he stands for, they’re a-holes.  What Trump and his minions are doing is causing long-term damage to not only our country and our democracy, but to the world and our standing in it.
It’s time for Trump and his kiddies to be told to put down the tinder, matches and gasoline and learn to play nice with others or be made to, by as much force as can legally be applied.  I’m not a “liberal.”  I don’t care about hurting people’s feelings or being understanding of the misunderstood and wrongly persecuted Trump supporter.  See, just like Trump and his most fervent minions, I shoot from the hip. I tell it like it is.  I say the things about the long-suffering Trump supporter that others won’t.  Why? Because I’m right about them, and they need to be said without apology and without being watered down into a sad, whining liberal attempt to “understand the other side’s point of view.”   I understand it just fine, and it’s horribly, horribly wrong and damaging.

I’ve learned how to act, politically speaking, from Trump and his sycophants.  I’ve become a mean, angry bastard who wants to drain the swamp of Trump and his supporters so I, and the rest of the world, can sleep more peacefully at night, free of nightmares about nuclear apocalypses and environmental catastrophes.  So, like Trump and his followers, I’m breaking with the norms and grabbin’ Trump supporters by their metaphorical pussies to shake ’em the f$$k up.  Hell, I’m even campaigning members of Congress to build detention centers along the Southern border with FEMA money in order to lock Trump supporters and their kids in them because I’m…well…I’m different; I tell it like it is, and I shoot from the hip.  I learned how to do all these things from Trump and his supporters.  Ain’t they nice?  I think so.  But maybe that’s because, like them, I’m an a-hole.

Jesus Breaks Up Brew-Ha-Ha At Annual Heaven/Hell Labor Day Picnic

Here’s an oldie but goody from a few years back.

The Arm Chair Pontificator

At the annual Heaven and Hell Labor Day Picnic yesterday, Jesus, the Lamb of God, broke up a nasty verbal exchange between the father of Judaism, Abraham, and the scourge of the Jewish people, Adolph Hitler. “That son of a bitch!”, Abraham stated after the incident. “He was shouting anti-Semitic slurs at me every time he got near me. I’ve told Jesus many times that Adolph is just not “good people” and shouldn’t be allowed at these get togethers we have. The same thing happened at the Christmas party last year and I kept my cool. But I told Jesus if it happened again I was going cuss the bastard out. So I did. And guess what? Jesus gets pissed at ME cause I told Hitler to go fuck himself. I shouldn’t cuss, Jesus says to me. Try to be more understanding, He says. Learn to forgive, He says. Not…

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Happy Labor Day To American Moms

Don’t entirely understand why anyone would want to celebrate the labor part of birthing a child, but, this is America and we’re kinda f**ked up here.  So, here’s wishing all the moms in America a happy Labor Day!  I’m so glad it’s you all who get to have babies and continue our race cause if it were up to men to do it, we’d have died out thousands of years ago.   Enjoy the day, the memories, and pop a pain pill on me if it hurts at all.  See ya next year!

I’ve Been Wrongly Imprisoned By The Nobel Prize Committee

Me

I’ve not been able to write many posts of late because I’ve been in a Swiss prison cell held captive by the Nobel Prize Committee.    Apparently, the members of the Committee grew weary of me harassing them, their elderly parents, and their children.   I did these things because the Nobel Prize Committee STILL refuses to give me my well-earned, self-awarded Nobel Prize for being an overall, big-brained genius.  I deserve this award, and I want it, along with all the joyous accolades that go along with it, $$$$$.   I’ve been prank calling members of the Committee daily now for almost 6 years, and all I ever get is an angry “Eff you!” from every last one of them.  So, in order to get noticed, I sent boxes of fire ants to their children’s schools and crates of venomous snakes to their elderly parents’ retirement homes.   Was this nice?  No.  Was it necessary?   Yes.  What was not necessary was the Committee members filing restraining orders against me and having me arrested and imprisoned for violating them.  UNFAIR!!!  I call bunk on them.  All they have to do is give me my gar-darned  Nobel Prize and all will be over!   I will never cease bothering them until this happens.  Granted, being imprisoned does make this more difficult, but I will find a way!  I swear to Zeus, I will.   Until then, I sincerely hope all of my readers will keep me in their thoughts and write letters to the Nobel Prize Committee demanding they give me my award and release me from prison, though not necessarily in that order.   I’m the most wrongly persecuted and maligned person to have ever lived, except of course, for Donald Trump.   Oh, I gotta go now.  They’re bringing me the rice pudding I demanded this morning with my lunch.   I’ll see everyone very soon.  You can take that to your bank and deposit it!  $Amen$