As President Donald Trump has repeatedly stated, he is the MOST non-racist person any one could ever meet. Who are we to doubt ’em, eh? What many people don’t know, however, is that many other non-racist people have held powerful positions throughout history. Here are but a few.
The great Julius Caesar said this as he first entered Gaul: “I’m not a racist! I’m not killing and enslaving millions of you Gauls because of your race. I merely want your country, and you are resisting me. But truly, I’m NOT doing this because of your race. Again, I’m NOT a racist. I’m more non-racist than any other conquer you’ll ever meet. Really, I am. Really.”
Charlemagne was known to say this of the pagans he was converting to Christianity: “Stories about my racism are greatly exaggerated. Yes, I’m traveling into non-Christian areas and killing pagans who will not convert. BUT, I’m NOT killing them based on their race. They only die if they won’t convert, and this is a good thing. Non-Christians are the bane of existence and viewed by the All Loving Jesus as horrid wretches who deserve painful deaths and an eternity of suffering in Hell. So, as you can see, I’m very, very non-racist. OK?”
Martin Luther very simply once said of Jews, “I don’t hate Jews because I’m a racist. I hate them because they’re nasty, evil, conniving little shits who don’t believe in Jesus. I rest my case.”
And finally, the biggest non-racist in history, next to Donald Trump that is, Adolph Hitler had this to say on racism: “Never in the history of humanity has there been a more non-racist person than me. I love ALL people. Do I love Jews? Of course not. Why? Because they’re not people. They’re animals. Thus, in light of this fact, I’m not racist and have never hurt another human being in any way, ever. Really, I haven’t. I mean that. You believe me, right?”
While shooting craps this morning at an early hours casino in Heaven, Mary, Holy Mother of God, said that Elvis has officially been declared a Saint by Jesus, the most famous of her 6 children. “JC called me this morning from a fishing schooner He’s been working on, and asked me to please inform Elvis that his application was approved and he could now officially call himself, Saint Elvis. Elvis broke out into a wild version of ‘Jail House Rock’ when I gave him the news, and said that waiting to receive it was even more anxiety producing than when he was waiting to go on the Ed Sullivan Show for the first time in the 1950’s.”
Mary, Jesus Mother, Says, “Snake Eyes, Baby!”
“However,” Mary continued, “This wasn’t an easy decision for JC to make. First of all, Elvis isn’t Catholic. So making him a Saint is sure to piss them off. Catholics have done more to keep My Boy up nights than all other religions combined. They’ve got a really bloated sense of their own importance and actually think no one gets to Heaven without them. Nonsense. I mean, friggin’ Disney actually BOUGHT Heaven recently, and I’m pretty sure they didn’t ask the Pope for his permission. Angry Catholics shouting at the Heavens about how wronged they feel is not something new to us up here. You should’ve been here when Martin Luther was doing his number on them. Talk about ANGRY!! But Jesus loves Elvis and has been a fan for as long as I can remember. He accepted Elvis’ sainthood application because He wanted to give something special back to him for all the great music he’s given us. He’ll ride out the Catholic complaints as He always has and things will be quiet again shortly. But in the mean time, Viva Las Vegas, baby! It’s time to roll the die!”
Attention all Catholics and Lutherans! The battle you’ve all been dreaming about for almost 500 years will finally take place this Friday, Valentines Day, in a 6′ by 6′ locked steel cage, in a CVS parking lot in Gary, Indiana. It will be televised live on HBO and is a MUST see for all MMA and “snuff” film fans. Lutheran Jesus, generally thought of as the “Resurrected” Jesus, symbolized by an empty cross, will fight Catholic Jesus, generally thought of as the “Suffering” Jesus, symbolized by a cross with Christ nailed to it, writhing in agony, waiting to die. The two Jesuses will fight to the death locked inside a 6′ by 6′ steel cage with hammers, axes, knives, chain saws, and 9″ nails to use as weapons to determine which of them is the TRUE Jesus, and which is the imposter. Two Christs will enter, but only one will leave.
Lutheran Jesus and Catholic Jesus agree, quite strongly, that the other Jesuses in the world, Presbyterian Jesus and Methodist Jesus, to name two, are inferior Jesuses to both of them. This, they say, is because Catholic Jesus was the first and only Jesus with true power until Lutheran Jesus came into being and gained power, as well, some 1500 years later. Every other Jesus who’s popped up since then is merely imitating Lutheran Jesus and has no legitimate claim to the title of TRUE Jesus, the two say. They have also sworn an oath to each other that whosoever wins the battle will summarily seek out and kill all other Jesuses, and all those who follow them. So if you are one of those “other” Jesuses, or one of their followers, you may want to do some converting right about now to even your post fight chances of survival from 0 to an even 50/50. The future of all of Christendom is at stake with this fight, as well as the lives of millions of people. So be sure and watch “Jesus vs Jesus” on HBO this Valentines Day. It’s a fight you’ll literally be dying to see who wins.