Yagottabekiddin Town, Illinois. Just when you thought the Republican Party could not appear more intellectually and morally challenged than it already is, Ben Carson, the Republican front-runner to win the Party’s nomination for President, announced today the Earth is only 6 days old. “I’m a Christian,” Carson said earlier, “and Christians, by nature, are very smart people. However, some of us think the Earth is 6000 years old, and this is just crazy. My years of studying to become a neurosurgeon have made me really, really, really smart. When you combine this with my devout Christian beliefs, it makes me the smartest man alive. Thus, when I tell you the Earth is only 6 days old, you’d better friggin’ believe me. Hell, I may very well be your next President, America, and if that happens, and I find out you don’t believe me when I tell you the Earth is only 6 days old, I’m gonna come to your house and punch you in your liberal nose. So, believe a smart guy like me: the Earth is only 6 days old, and remember, vote Republican, and vote for Ben Carson, the smartest friggin’ man alive.”
WTF City, Kentucky. In simply stunning news today, Harvard Anthropology Professor, Jimmy D. Peenus, announced he has found irrefutable evidence that famous Young Earth Creationist, Ken Ham, is, himself, almost 33,000 years old. “Mr. Ham is the walking embodiment of a brand new, long-lived form of hominid I’ve named, Homoerectus Ignoramus,” Professor Peenus said earlier. “I found the evidence for this while I was in the Chauvet-Pont-d’Arc Cave in France examining the stone-age paintings there. Whilst gazing at one of the paintings, I noticed it more resembled a photograph than an actual painting. On further inspection, I noticed some writing on the back of the picture which reads, The Earth is only 6000 years old. Love always, Ken Ham. I then had the picture carbon dated, and, sure enough, it is, like the other pictures in the cave, approximately 33,000 years old. The picture in question is shown below.
Needless to say, I was shocked to realize that I had been standing on the very spot Ken Ham himself stood, 33,000 years ago, spouting his Young Earth Creationist nonsense to a group of primitive human painters. No known species of animal has ever been reported to live as long as Mr. Ham has. I must say, however, in conclusion, that I find it rather sad that in all the years he’s lived, Ken Ham has not yet developed the capacity to reason like a mature, educated human being. The man’s been telling people the Earth is only 6000 years old for all of his 33,000 years on it. You truly can’t get irony any sadder than that.”
“And the son of a bitch tried to rip my throat open the night of our debate,” a frightened and shocked Bill Nye told TACP News just a few moments ago. “My brain was so full of endorphins from listening to Ham’s redundant Creationist bullshit all night, I couldn’t get to sleep. So I stopped trying after a while, and decided to watch reruns of my all time favorite TV show, ‘Chips’ instead.
Somewhere around 3:30 AM, I heard a howl right outside my hotel room door, so bestial in nature, it literally made every hair on the back of my neck stand on end. Quickly following this, I heard scratching on the door, and then a loud growling voice began chanting, ‘Well, I have a BOOK of answers, Bill! Well, I have a BOOK of answers, Bill!’ I knew immediately, upon hearing these mind dissolving words once again, that it was Ham clawing at my door for some ungodly reason. In my rush to silence him by striking him with my clenched fist, I tossed open the door to find, not Ken Ham, but the Wolf Man standing there instead. When he saw me, he promptly began clawing for my throat.
I rushed back into the room, grabbed the hard bound Bible that was on the table near the bed, and began beating the vile wolf beast about the head with it. Because I lift weights regularly, if I may say so myself, I happen to be one incredibly powerful mo’ fo’. Thus, my Bible blows to the Wolf Man’s head quickly rendered the monster unconscious. It slumped to the floor and quickly transformed back into its human form, which just happened to be Ken Ham. When Ham awoke, he found himself where he is as we speak: locked inside a cage inside the Evolutionary Sciences Building at Harvard University. He’s awaiting the arrival of Richard Dawkins who’s been asked to help with the study of Wolf Man Ham to help determine just where on the evolutionary scale of mammalian development he fits.
Funny how things like this work out. By debating me, Ken Ham not only showed how incredibly unscientific Creationism truly is, he also revealed himself to be a previously unknown species of hominid that is part man and part wolf. A real grand slam event for science, I’d say, eh?”