I Am Not Agnostic, I Am Non-Theistic, Or A-Theistic

To the next theist who tells me it is not possible for me, or any one else, to really be an a-theist, or that a-theism is a religion or a “Faith” based belief of some kind, I offer the following definitions:

1. the·ism
noun: theism
belief in the existence of a god or gods, esp. belief in one god as creator of the universe, intervening in it and sustaining a personal relation to his creatures

2. a·the·ism
noun: atheism

disbelief or lack of belief in the existence of God or gods.Atheism Defined

The definition of atheism starts and ends here for me. I do not care if others belong to atheistic churches, are new or old atheists, seek to convert the religious to become non-religious, or actively hate theists. The definition starts and ends for me with the one above. I find the defensive, battle-ready stance of some theists when I say I’m a non-theist to be offensive, ignorant, bigoted, and above all else, really fucking annoying. What’s even more annoying is when Christians try to tell me who it is I am.  I recently was told that I can’t REALLY be an a-theist because one can’t know ABSOLUTELY that Jesus doesn’t exist, so at best all I, or any non-believer, can truly be is agnostic.  After reflecting on this being said to me, I’ve come up with this response: Fuck You! Fuck you, you defensive Christian pussy. No, really. Fuck you!

Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, let me define who I am to the Christian idiots who think they know me better than I do myself.  Just because it is impossible to prove a thing does not exist, does not mean that it does, or that I think it does. I do not believe the following things exist because I see NO evidence that they do: Big Foot, UFO’s, Aliens who kidnap people, fondle them, then return them to their beds without leaving a single piece of evidence they were ever there, Ancient Aliens who built the pyramids, The Loch Ness Monster, Thor, Odin, Loki, Osiris, Isis, Jesus, Allah, Vampires, Ghosts, Spirits, etc, etc, etc.  Please note that I did not say it’s IMPOSSIBLE for these things to exist. I simply see no reason AT ALL to believe they do. Christians are atheists when it comes to Ra, Zeus, and Isis. They’re not agnostic when it comes to them. They simply do not believe they exist. I’m a non-theist when it comes to all gods, even Jesus. And if you’ve forgotten already what that word means, see the above definitions again and the Sam Harris quote below. Keep reading them over and over until they sink into the muddled mass of feces you call a brain, and STOP thinking you are so omnipotent as to know me. You don’t. You DO NOT define me. I do.Sam Harris On Definition Of Atheism Lastly, the same Christians who’ve been so quick to define me are perhaps the most defensive fuckers about their own omnipotent “Faith” as I’ve ever seen people be. I do not believe what you do. I do not care that you believe it. I know it is central to your life, but it isn’t to mine. I’ve no interest in attacking you or converting you, yet this does not seem to matter. It’s as if my disbelief in your god somehow threatens you and your god. This behavior makes you and your god pussies in my eyes, and places a neon sign over your head that reads: “Idiot Seeking Argument Out Of Fear Of Being Wrong. Stay Clear.” I am not interested in debating with Christians, converting them, hating them, or treating them in any other way than I treat anyone else or expect myself to be treated. But know this, judge me, think you’ve some divine right to define and label me, and you’ve gained an enemy, someone who hates not only you, but your mother for having you and your father for fucking your mother and impregnating her with you. If I had total confidence in the fact that an almighty being was REALLY my creator, and I was going to Heaven when I died, I’d not be such a defensive pussy when someone simply told me they did not share my beliefs. That is the sign of a weasel, a spineless weasel who must make others wrong so that he can feel right about himself and his”Faith.” I did not come to the realization I was an atheist with hate in my heart for Christians who behave in such a way. But it is there now. They’ve earned it. Every single last bit of it.

Eradicate Birth Control With Condom Away

 Condom Away: The Christian Solution To Birth Control

Condom Away: The Christian Solution To Birth Control

Are you a Christian who’s annoyed at the existence of birth control products? Would you like to eradicate them completely and send humanity back into the stone age in terms of its reproductive health? Well then, we here at Christians Inc. have just the product for you: Condom Away-a new aerosol product designed to evaporate condoms, birth control pills, and any other product ever created to prevent pregnancy or an STD with one simple spray. Here’s how it works. Let’s say you suspect a store in your area is selling birth control products. Simply walk into the store, take out your can of Condom Away, and spray once into the air. The fresh smelling lemon scent will drift throughout the store attaching itself to any and all birth control products and evaporate them completely within minutes. No one need ever know you were there. Don’t let the laws of your faith be abused and ignored by those around you. Be a good Christian and buy your can of Condom Away today. Together, we can wipe out birth control once and for all and make the world the way our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ wants it to be: full of pregnant teenage girls and millions of people sick and dying from a sexually transmitted disease. Act now and receive a free Jesus Hates Fags t-shirt with each purchase. And remember, nothing you do is wrong, as long as it’s done in Jesus’ name.

Dear Christians, It Is Not Your God I Hate, It’s You

I came across this cognitively impaired article yesterday which addresses an issue some Christians seem to think non-believing bastards like me have with their god and/or the Biblical figure of Jesus. They claim we hate them: http://creation.com/atheist-god-hate.

Not Your Made Up God

Not Your Made Up God

Apparently, the omnipotent, all-knowing Christian who wrote this article knows every atheist personally, and he knows with absolute certainty that every single one of them, including me, hates the specific god he believes in. This hatred is evident because, in this idiot’s damaged mind, disbelief in his god equates with hatred of his god. Interesting. I don’t believe in Allah, Thor, Zeus, Osiris, or Athena either. Does that mean I hate them too? No. No, you asshole, it does not mean anything of the sort. I do not hate your god, you fuck head. I do not believe in gods, yours include. Thus, you have no god for me to hate. Also, I do not hate Jesus. I like him, actually. However, I see absolutely nothing of Jesus in you, nor in any Christian I’ve ever known.

Gandhi Said It Too, Asshole

Gandhi Said It Too, Asshole

There is nothing of Jesus in Christianity. Nothing whatsoever. So, let me be frank, you fucking asshole, it is not some non-existent god of yours I hate. It’s you. I hate you, you fucking dog-ass licker. Just you. I hate you because you’ve gone out of your way to insult my intelligence and my integrity with your article about non-believers. I’m taking your generalizations very personally, ass-face. And, now, I’m crudely insulting you, you fucking tampon, because, unlike you, I admit I’m a petty person.

So Now I'm Gonna Show You

So Now I’m Gonna Show You

And I take great satisfaction from saying petty, mean things to insulting pieces of Christian shit like you. You went out of your way to insult me with your generalizations about non-believers in your article. You’ve never even met me, you fucking cock sucker. You’re spineless, and I direct all of my hate right at you and only you. You are a meaningless, pointless, waste of life. The next time you write insulting, derogatory lies about non-believers, I’m going to find out who and where you are and come after you. And when I find you, I’m going to beat you so hard and for so long that you’ll promise me you’ll suck my cock just to make me stop. And I will stop. I’ll stop, and I’ll make you suck me off until I cum down your lying throat, you miserable fucking asshole. Now, go spank yourself with a long, braided belt. You’ve been a very nasty fucking bitch today. How do you feel now, shit ball? Hated? Good. Cause you are.

It’s Jesus VS Jesus, So Cry Havoc! And Let Slip The Dogs Of War!

Lutheran Jesus

Lutheran Jesus

Catholic Jesus

Catholic Jesus

Attention all Catholics and Lutherans! The battle you’ve all been dreaming about for almost 500 years will finally take place this Friday, Valentines Day, in a 6′ by 6′ locked steel cage, in a CVS parking lot in Gary, Indiana. It will be televised live on HBO and is a MUST see for all MMA and “snuff” film fans. Lutheran Jesus, generally thought of as the “Resurrected” Jesus, symbolized by an empty cross, will fight Catholic Jesus, generally thought of as the “Suffering” Jesus, symbolized by a cross with Christ nailed to it, writhing in agony, waiting to die. The two Jesuses will fight to the death locked inside a 6′ by 6′ steel cage with hammers, axes, knives, chain saws, and 9″ nails to use as weapons to determine which of them is the TRUE Jesus, and which is the imposter. Two Christs will enter, but only one will leave.

Lutheran Jesus and Catholic Jesus agree, quite strongly, that the other Jesuses in the world, Presbyterian Jesus and Methodist Jesus, to name two, are inferior Jesuses to both of them. This, they say, is because Catholic Jesus was the first and only Jesus with true power until Lutheran Jesus came into being and gained power, as well, some 1500 years later. Every other Jesus who’s popped up since then is merely imitating Lutheran Jesus and has no legitimate claim to the title of TRUE Jesus, the two say. They have also sworn an oath to each other that whosoever wins the battle will summarily seek out and kill all other Jesuses, and all those who follow them. So if you are one of those “other” Jesuses, or one of their followers, you may want to do some converting right about now to even your post fight chances of survival from 0 to an even 50/50. The future of all of Christendom is at stake with this fight, as well as the lives of millions of people. So be sure and watch “Jesus vs Jesus” on HBO this Valentines Day. It’s a fight you’ll literally be dying to see who wins.

Evolution Is True, Says Christian Professor

“But only in the sense that monotheism evolved to rise highly above polytheism on the scale of Infallible Correctness created by and for Christians,” said Professor, Don Asa’Dorbell, an expert on Christian and Creationist circular rhetoric.

Creationist Professor, Don Asa'Dorbell

Christian Professor, Don Asa’Dorbell

“Because I am a Christian, and my ‘Faith’ tells me The Bible is 100% true, I am in the perfect position to cast judgement on other people and their beliefs. For example, there are certain groups of people today who are so ignorant, so undeniably dumb, that they STILL practice polytheism even though that belief is clearly an evil one, placed in the world by Satan to lead people into Hell. Hindus are one such group of fools not to embrace the reality their flesh will be repeatedly burned from their bones for all eternity if they do not accept Jesus as the only god who exists. It is a fact of Creationist Science, the ONLY science that matters since it has EVERY answer to EVERY question one could ever ask, that polytheism is a primitive, primordial system of belief. It was surpassed by monotheism, ages ago, as the ONLY correct and intelligent way to view the unseen and completely unprovable, existence of the creator of all things: God/Jesus. Every other ‘god’ that has ever been worshiped or thought to be true is but a fiction: a character created by Satan to lure sinners into Hell.

Ganesh: A Totally Made Up Deity

Ganesh: A Deity Made Up By Satan

Jesus, by rising from the dead, proved to the world he is the only God that exists. The Bible says this. The Bible is infallible. My ‘Faith’ tells me this is true, and EVERYONE knows how great a thing ‘Faith’ is and how the deference it receives is justly deserved. Thus, I know for a scientific fact, because I saw it in a ‘Faith’ inspired dream, that Jesus will soon go door to door, if need be, to personally kill, and send to Hell, every person holding a polytheistic belief or thought, no matter how faint it may be.

Jesus: The Door to Door Killer Of Polytheism

Jesus: Door to Door Killer Of Polytheists

As for those who consider themselves to be monotheists, but worship a fictitious god, such as Muslims and Jews, Jesus will let them live out their natural lives but send them straight to Hell the moment they die. And as for those devil-spawned, evil fools, the a-theists, Jesus’ hatred for them knows no bounds. Thus, he will send them straight to Hell, while yet alive, to let its fires burn them, first to death, and then for all eternity. Their black, faithless, evil souls clearly deserve this for their arrogant disbelief in the obvious existence of Jesus and His Love for us all. So if you are a polytheist, a monotheist worshiping a fictitious character, or, worse of all, an abominable a-theist, repent for your sins NOW and accept Jesus as your All-loving God or suffer his hatred for you and burn forever in Hell. Your choice.

Ken Ham Is The Wolf Man, Says Bill Nye

“And the son of a bitch tried to rip my throat open the night of our debate,” a frightened and shocked Bill Nye told TACP News just a few moments ago. “My brain was so full of endorphins from listening to Ham’s redundant Creationist bullshit all night, I couldn’t get to sleep. So I stopped trying after a while, and decided to watch reruns of my all time favorite TV show, ‘Chips’ instead.

Ham Transforming Into The Wolf Man

Ken Ham Transforming Into The Wolf Man

Somewhere around 3:30 AM, I heard a howl right outside my hotel room door, so bestial in nature, it literally made every hair on the back of my neck stand on end. Quickly following this, I heard scratching on the door, and then a loud growling voice began chanting, ‘Well, I have a BOOK of answers, Bill! Well, I have a BOOK of answers, Bill!’  I knew immediately, upon hearing these mind dissolving words once again, that it was Ham clawing at my door for some ungodly reason. In my rush to silence him by striking him with my clenched fist, I tossed open the door to find, not Ken Ham, but the Wolf Man standing there instead. When he saw me, he promptly began clawing for my throat.

Ham Fully Transformed Into The Wolf Man

Ken Ham Fully Transformed Into The Wolf Man

I rushed back into the room, grabbed the hard bound Bible that was on the table near the bed, and began beating the vile wolf beast about the head with it. Because I lift weights regularly, if I may say so myself, I happen to be one incredibly powerful mo’ fo’. Thus, my Bible blows to the Wolf Man’s head quickly rendered the monster unconscious. It slumped to the floor and quickly transformed back into its human form, which just happened to be Ken Ham. When Ham awoke, he found himself where he is as we speak: locked inside a cage inside the Evolutionary Sciences Building at Harvard University. He’s awaiting the arrival of Richard Dawkins who’s been asked to help with the study of Wolf Man Ham to help determine just where on the evolutionary scale of mammalian development he fits.

Bill Nye gives A Big Salute To Science

Bill Nye gives A Big Salute To Science

Funny how things like this work out. By debating me, Ken Ham not only showed how incredibly unscientific Creationism truly is, he also revealed himself to be a previously unknown species of hominid that is part man and part wolf.  A real grand slam event for science, I’d say, eh?”

Stories For Children With Robert The Reviewer

Robert the Reviewer’s first post for TACP was a huge success. Fans of the site from as far away as the fourth moon of the planet Yavin have been writing accolade-filled e-mails about how much they enjoyed reading Robert’s unique, tenderly worded review of “12 Years A Slave.” In order to quench our readers’ thirst for more of Robert’s words, we are proud to announce that, in addition to his media review column, he will have a second column featuring stories for children ages 3 and up which he promises to be both entertaining and educational for all.  So, without any more delay, we give you, Robert the Reviewer.

Robert The Reviewer

Robert The Reviewer

How ye doin’ me laddies ‘n lassies? Dis ‘ere ’tis Robert, da Reviewer ‘n da best damn teller ov yarns ye’ve e’re ‘eard.  I know none ov ye are like me own faggy, girly man ov a son. So’s da tale ’em about ta tell ye won’ scare ye none, though it be fill’d wit blood, horror, ‘n da livin’ dead, ken. It ain’t as ‘orrible a story, though, as da time me faggy son almost got hiself ea’n by a rabid Haggis on da moors of Edinburgh whilst we t’was huntin’ da fraggin’ gay beastie wit s’ords ‘n clubs ken. Dat’ll be a tale I tell’z ye anither time, wee ones. Fer now I want ta tell ye ov a Bible story ‘day ne’ tell ye ’bout in church: da story ov Matthew 27:52-53. ‘Tis a tale dat begins wit dat lordy-lad, Jez’is returnin’ from da dead. He did dat af’er bein’ dead fer 3 days, wee ones, as ye may ov been told. But what ye ain’t n’er been told is dis: Jez’is weren’t da only one ta rise from da tomb dat day. Just as Jez’is’ eyes opened in ‘is tomb, da grave stones ov dozens ‘o other saints ‘n prophets braked open, ‘n da zombie saints inside ’em went walkin’ in’ta Jerusalem ta spread da word dat the lordy-lad ‘ad come back from beyond da grave. Only, Jez’is, ‘e ‘ad nay a clue dat dis was ta happin’. So’s ‘e decided ta ignore da situation when ‘e realized ‘e wasn’t da only reanimated bein’ walkin’ ’bout dat ‘day. ‘E did nay wan’ ta ‘av ‘es moment stolen by sharin’ it wit more zombies. ‘E simply paid no heed ta them. No heed ’til ‘day started eatin’ da people ov Jerusalem, dat ’tis.

Resurrected Saints Eating The Living

Resurrected Saints Eating The Living

The Saint zombies were expectin’ ta get sent back ta Heaven or ta der graves quickly, at least, by Jez’is when ‘day decided ta come back ta life ta show their support ov da lordy-lad. ‘Day weren’t planin’ on dat bastard, Jez’is, just ignorin’ ’em ‘n leavin’ ’em on Earth, alone, ta fend fer themselves. ‘Day got real ‘ungry real quick-like after a few days, ‘n ‘day started eatin’ da people ‘day come back ta life ta rejoice wit just a wee bit before.  Dis, of course, wasn’t what da lordy-lad wanted ta be happin’. It was stealin’ ‘is thunder ‘n ‘e weren’t havin’ it. So’s ‘e got hiself a big ‘ole fish bone, ‘n ‘e went out ‘n whacked da ‘eads off all them zombie saints in just a wee few hours.

Jesus With Zombie Killing Fish Bone

Jesus With Zombie Killing Fish Bone

Den ‘e went back ta bein’ a big shot solo zombie again. ‘E believed ‘e had wiped the incident out completely from da minds of men,’til Matthew’s Gospel came out, at least. Oh me, laddies ‘n lassies! Ye ain’t seen or heard angry unless ye seen da lordy-lad da fine day ‘e read da Gospel of Matthew. WOW! ‘E ain’t said a word ta ‘ole Matthew in da almost 2000 years since, me wee ones. ‘N I believe ‘e would’ve sent dat poor bugger, Matthew, right ta ‘ell if it weren’t for da fact every priest ‘n preacher ‘as ignored dat section of Matthew’s Gospel da way da lordy-lad ignored da zombie saints all doze years back. Hardly ’tis it e’er mentioned ken. Now ye all know Jez’is is a rat bastard ‘n a’ ego maniac. So’s ye all need ta stop givin’ a shite about ’em, ‘n just live yer lives as best ye all kin. Da end.

I hope ye all liked me story. I’ve got many a’more ‘en. I’d tell ye anither now, but I’ve got ta gits home ta beat me faggy, sissy-boy son fer bein’ such a damn fag ‘n a girly boy. Da damn queer bastard! ‘N after I beats ’em, I gots ta beats me wife fer havin’ dat faggy, sissy-man pansy in da first place. See ye all soon. Bye!