Just in time for Christmas, the Tea Party announced today it is selling a new product to help eliminate the poor from the face of the Earth. It’s called, Poor Away. Just spray a tiny bit onto anyone making under 15 thousand dollars a year and they’ll dissolve into thin air as if they never lived. Be the envy of your conservative, white, Christian friends as you wipe out the poor with Poor Away. The proceeds of each sale go to support tax vouchers to help rich people send their children to wealthy, private schools. Eliminate the foul-smelling blight that the poor bring to our country and, at the same time, help keep rich white kids from having to mingle with poor, black, Hispanic, and Asian kids in Public Schools. What can be a better Holiday gift to give to yourself and/or your Tea Party member friends this Christmas than a sparkling new can of Poor Away ? Pre-order one today, for the meager price of 75 dollars, and receive a free, Earth Is Only 6000 Years Old , T-shirt while supplies last.
Howdy y’all. My name is Gus O’pinon and I gots me a ‘pinion on ever’thin’ there is, wus, or ever’s gonna be. I gots me a 5th grade edjucashun to back it all up, too. I been dishin’ out ‘pinions ever since my momma squeezed me outta ‘er ‘gina in a Fort Wayne, Indiana, tool shed 47 year’ ago. Matter ‘o fact, my momma tol’ me I said my firs’ words the minute I come outta ‘er: “Fer Chris’ sake,” I said, “dat wus a helluva trip!” So grab a brew, sit yerself back, and relax. I’m gonna give y’all some ‘o my more pop’lar ‘pinions on things, and my ‘pinion on that is, yer gonna love it.
1.) Global warming: If yer friggin’ globe is gettin’ warm, put da dang thing in yer fridge fer a few hours ta cool it off. Don’t make no damn sense t’all why so many people worry ’bout somethin’ dats so easy ta fix. Aint thinkin’ is all. Silly.
2.) The Tea Party: Now ‘eres a batch ‘o knuckleheads if I’d ever seen ’em. Group of folk havin’ a dang party jus’ ta drink tea?! Fer Chris’ sake, how dumb kin ya be? If yer gonna have a god dang party and not be drinkin’ whiskey, then ya ain’t havin’ a real party, and I’m dang happy y’all didn’t invite me. Again, what’s the fuss all ’bout? These folk are BORIN’! Dats all I gots ta say on dat.
3.) Gay Marriage: Hell, my Uncle Jody dated a billy-goat named Sally for 16 years. He was da happiest man I ever knowed, too. People dat are all grewed up knows what makes ’em happy. Ain’t none ‘o our biz’ness ta tellz people who ta love and who ta marry. Dats dat. God dang it all!
4.) Legalized Marijuana: I been smokin’ weed ever since my momma ‘n me started growin’ it to supplement our moonshine sellin’ when I was no more ‘n 7. I say keep it illegal ta sell ’cause dat way, momma ‘n me kin keep on makin’ all the money we makes sellin’ it. Ain’t no fool gonna git from us what he kin git in a drug store all legal like. Git my meanin’?
5.) Evolution vs Creationism: Anybody ‘volved enough ta read da damn Bible outta be smart ’nuff ta see it don’t make no damn sense a’tall ta believe what der readin’ is meant ta be takin’ literal like. Some dang idjits just can’t not be idjits. I’d rather talk ta a skeeter dats bitin’ me than one ‘o those creation types. Idjits. The whole lot of ’em are gosh dang idjits. And dat is all I gots ta say on dat. I’ll be back ta give y’all more ‘o my ‘pinions in a week or so. ‘Bye fer now.
As Christian Conservatives and Tea Party members have been warning, the legalization of gay marriage has indeed proven to be a slippery slope leading to demands for the legalization of other forms of nontraditional sexual behavior, at least it has in Illinois. Just over a year after Illinois voted to make gay marriage legal, hundreds of thousands of people, paired with horses and other animals of various sizes, arrived at the doors of the State Capital demanding they be allowed to legally marry the animals they’ve been secretly fornicating with for years. “If Harry can marry Jim, and Sally can marry Susie, then why can’t I marry the man or woman I love, though they be a sheep?” said Peter P. Enis, spokesmen for the group, Animals Do It Better.
“We animal fornicators are happy the slope to human depravity has been so well lubricated for us by gay men and women seeking the legal benefits of marriage for themselves and their partners. Now we, too, are asking that the same benefits be given to us and our beloved cows, dogs, dingoes, horses, and ostriches. What’s wrong with that, I ask?”
The Tea Party responded to this development by stating it happened as a direct result of legalized gay marriage, Obama Care, and the continued denial by Democrats, Liberals, and Jews that Jesus truly does hate fags, and, occasionally, lesbians.
The Tea Party announced today they’ve created a new product which is guaranteed to keep you, and your loved ones, safe from the pestilence of liberals forever. “Many of us in the Tea Party have grown weary of pointy nosed liberals poisoning our wells, eating our children, and voting in our elections,” said Tea Party member and former Presidential candidate, Mitt Romney.
“The Tea Party pulled together its vast resources and paid millions to Igor Flopdick, a former KGB agent who specializes in unique ‘pest’ elimination problems, to create Liberal Away for us. He did not disappoint. Liberal Away kills liberals on contact, yet remains completely harmless to Conservatives and Tea Party members. It is a new type of smart poison that, once sprayed, drifts in the air, harmlessly, until it comes into contact with a liberal. Once it does, he or she has less than 3 minutes to live. Thanks to the efforts of Mr.Flopdick, and the Tea Party, we now have an effective way to keep our children, our pets, and our elderly safe from the stench and filth of liberals forever. Amen to that I say. Amen to that.”
In a story sure to shock children and grown ups alike, Santa has declared he’s become a staunch conservative and joined the Tea Party of America. He also said he was forced to fire half of his staff because of issues pertaining to Obama Care and Liberals in general.
“Look,” said Santa, “I’m running a business up North here, not a friggin’ soup kitchen. Obama Care clearly is not designed to help conservative, white business owners, such as myself, increase their profit margins. And if a law hasn’t been created to help you, then it’s been created to hurt you and must be eliminated. President Bush and Darth Vader taught me that. It’s because of Obama and his Liberal hordes that I fired hundreds of elves, reindeer, and snow-men yesterday. I couldn’t fire Obama, and I couldn’t fire his Liberal hordes, but I could fire my own workers who live hand-to-mouth and desperately needed their jobs, so I did. It made me feel good too, seeing the kind of power I wield over people. It temporarily satiated the hatred and anger I have for Obama and Liberals.
In a twisted kind of way, I actually hurt THEM by hurting the people they’re most concerned with helping. Oh, BTW, I feel totally at ease admitting these things publicly, too. Because, you see, I’m Santa, and I represent the greatest holiday in the history of Capitalism, Christmas. Nothing I can ever do or say will stop people from spending money and filling my pockets at this time of year. Nothing. People may hate me for my political beliefs and devious business practices, but it won’t prevent them from telling their kids ‘Santa’s coming soon, and he’s bringing lots of presents!’ Presents your parents spent their hard-earned money on kiddies! Keeping Santa fat and rich! God bless America! I fucking love you!”
An angry giant monster, bearing a haunting resemblance to Bill Clinton, rose up out of the Gulf of Mexico this morning and aborted the entire state of Texas from the North American continent. The giant beast used what appeared to be a massive blender and literally pulverized the entire state into mush with it. Nothing remains of the state now except a smoldering hole where it once was, and a cowboy hat believed to have been worn by George Bush Sr the night George Jr was conceived. The giant Clinton-like monster returned to the Gulf when it was done and vanished as quickly as it had appeared. The Tea Party released a brief statement blaming the entire event on Obama Care and gay marriage.
The Arm Chair Pontificator online store is now offering some truly unique costumes just in time for Halloween. Check ’em out.
1.) The Tea Party Member: This little beauty consists of a three-piece suit, a loaded .45, a thumpin’ Bible, a Jesus Hates Obama, Fags, Jews, and Liberals picket sign, and a tax-exempt number you can use to buy whatever you want, tax-free, for a whole week, all for only $9.99. Act now and we’ll toss in two undocumented Hispanic domestic laborers for you to use, totally free, for as long as you wish. Note: you’ll have to feed them occasionally if you expect consistent, quality work from them.
2.) The Ken Ham: This baby will make you look, think, and sound just like Creation Museum founder, Ken Ham. Put it on, and the world suddenly becomes only 6000 years old; Evolution becomes a big, fat silly lie, and reasonable thinking becomes a completely antiquated mental process. All this can be yours for the biblically low price of just $7.98, plus tax. Order now, and receive an authentic picture of Jesus riding a T-Rex signed by none other than the son of God himself at no additional cost.
3.) The Wormhole: Put on the Wormhole costume; walk into a Halloween party; switch it on, and watch as your friends are sucked into a massive vortex that sends them…..??? Who the hell knows where it’ll send them! It’s a wormhole! You’ll be talked about at Halloween parties for decades to come when you wear The Wormhole costume at the big Halloween party you plan on attending this year. Inter-dimensional fun is yours for the modest price of just $8.66.
4.) The Non-Homophobic, Conservative Christian: Be the talk of all your bible-thumping, gay-hating pals when you slip into this one of a kind costume which allows you to be a gay tolerant Conservative Christian for as long as you wear it. We must warn you, however, that if you wear it for more than 48 hours straight, you very well may find yourself vocally supporting gay marriage rights, so beware. Show hate-filled Christians how to not hate people they don’t understand by purchasing The Non-Homophobic, Conservative Christian costume for the blessed price of just $10.99.
That’s all folks. See you later!