Recipes From The Russian Dossier On Trump

From The Russian Dossier On Trump

1.) ‘Lil Vlady’s Vodka Cookies.   Bake 4 dozen cookies of any kind.   Soak cookies for 5 minutes in vat of Russian vodka.   Invite Russian Ambassador over for late night snack and eat the cookies with him.  Betray your country by making financial deals with the Ambassador that place Russia’s needs above those of your own country.

2.) Pee Pee Pineapple Pie.  Go to Moscow.  Have President Putin hire two prostitutes for you.  Have prostitutes pee in a mixing bowl.  Place some premixed pie dough into bowl.  Mix.  Add pineapple slices (these may be hard to come by in Russia, so remember to bring your own from the States).  Bake for 20 minutes at 350 degrees.  Make sure Putin did not secretly tape you doing this.  Let cookies cool.  Enjoy.

3.) Lying Bastard Soup.  Eat a bowl of soup in a public place.  Later, when asked what kind of soup you had, deny ever having eaten soup in your life.  If asked again, scream bloody murder and accuse those questioning you of spreading fake news.  Repeat as often as necessary to get everyone listening to believe you.

4.) Orange Colored Chicken Stew.  Have your servants bring you some chicken stew for supper.   “Accidentally” dip your face, previously covered in orange makeup, into the stew.   Wait 5 minutes or until most of the orange makeup runs off into the stew.  Stir in with spoon.  Eat.

5.) Fascist Fried Steak.  Order a steak well done at a restaurant.  When waiter brings you your order, tell him the steak is not cooked correctly.  Order secret service, if you have them available to you, to shoot and kill the waiter.  Get another waiter to take your order.  Remind him to bring your steak as you ordered it or else.  Repeat for as long as it takes to get your steak as you ordered it or until restaurant runs out of waiters.

6.) Sean Spicer Tantrum Topped Pizza.  Order a pizza to be delivered to you while you’re giving a speech and/or press conference in front of millions of people.  When the pizza comes, shout that you didn’t order anchovies regardless of whether or not there are anchovies on the pizza.  Jump up and down and cry until the delivery person apologizes and says you can have the pizza for free if you’ll just shut up.  Take out a slice and eat it.  (Side note: Under no circumstance should you share the pizza with your audience.  It’s YOUR pizza, goddamnit.  Let the audience order their own if they want some.)

7.) Impotent President Pudding.  Make a pot of rice pudding.  Write a bill to repeal and replace another, very popular, bill.  Try to get Congress to agree to pass the bill and fail miserably.   Blame everyone but yourself for your failure in this matter.   Eat pudding; then go golfing like the whole thing never happened.

8.) Russia Is The New American Apple Pie.   Place an apple pie in the oven.  Write and say wonderful things about Russian President Vladimir Putin.  Repeatedly deny you have any connection to Russia whatsoever.  Remove pie from oven.  Let cool.  Eat pie while humming the Russian national anthem and saluting the Russian flag.   You’ve now made America great again.

9.) Putin’s Bigly Wiener Burger.   While having sex with Vladimir Putin, take a mold of his wiener with some casting gel.  Let gel “harden”.  Place raw hamburger meat into mold.  Cook in oven at 375 degrees for 25 minutes.  Remove meat and place on bun.  Add condiments and savor it’s juicy goodness bigly.

10.) Donny’s ‘Lil Handed Meatloaf.   Make a meatloaf.  Cut it into bite-size bits the size of your tiny hands (about 3mm).   Toss the bits into the air and try to catch them in your mouth.  Bark like a puppy every time you catch one.  Repeat until Melania comes to take you out for your evening walk.

10 Quotes From Albert, The Alt-Right Internet Troll

Albert, The Alt-Right Internet Troll

1.)  A new study shows that one in three liberals are just as stupid as the other two.

2.) Only a f$$kin’ cuck would say Trump isn’t awesome.  So if you don’t like Trump, you’re a cuck.  (Now could someone please explain to me what a “cuck” is?)

3.) Obama is a shape-shifting lizard alien who’s come here to team up with Hitlerly Clinton to destroy ‘Merica!  He’s a cuck, too, and she had email issues.  The crook.

4.) F$$ckin’ snowflake, cuck, liberal, mother f$$kers are a f$$kin’ plague and should all be killed with big guns so ‘Merica can be safe again for Jesus-lovin’ Christians like me.  I’m SICK of being persecuted by cucks!

5.) SJW’s are attacking true ‘Mericans like me every second of every day.  They hound us; they call us mean names, and they refuse to let us express our opinions openly.  They’re all a bunch of cucks, fags, snowflakes, and c$nts.  Oh, and they suck.

6.) Trump has already made ‘Merica great again by giving everyone good health care and by making the coal industry boom again.  I know this isn’t fake news because Trump said it’s true.

7.) Mexicans are all rapists and here illegally.  They also have brown skin.  Real ‘Mericans are white.  This is a fact.  Deal with it you f$$kin’, cuck, liberal, snow-flake, hate-filled, mother-f$$ckin’ liberals.

8.) Obama is planning to take over ‘Merica with an army of wire-tapping, liberals, sissies, women and fags.   There is SO much evidence for this that it’s sickening.  The liberal, Jewish media is covering this up.   I f$$kin’ HATE the liberal, Jewish media.  They’re SO rude and insulting to decent people like me.

9.) You know what’s scary?  Right now trillions of ISIS members are pouring into ‘Merica cause some stupid, f$$kin’ judge blocked Trump’s Muslim ban.  Millions of innocent children are killed every f$$kin’ day ’cause of this.  Millions.  Most of the children in Ohio were killed last night by Muslim terrorists.  And has the liberal media reported on this?  No.  You all must get your real news from people like me, anonymous, right-wing, internet trolls.  What the f$$k does that tell you ’bout that state of ‘Merica?

10.) F$$k!  My moms comin’.  I gotta go or my ass is grass.  I was grounded from using the internet indefinitely last week for lookin’ at online porn.   F$$k off now, you snowflake, cuck, liberal faggots!

 

 

Ask The Batman

Hi Batman. My name is Ronald Rodslimp Wrinkleberry. I’m 24 years old, and I’ve a question for you. For some reason, girls don’t seem to take a hankerin’ to me. I try very hard to get them to notice me, but they act as if I’m not even there. I’m thinking of becoming a crime-fighting vigilante, like you, in order to make myself more attractive and noticeable to girls. Can you please give me some tips on how to do this, as I really have no idea where to begin. Thanks.

 

Thanks for your question, Ronald. Unfortunately, because of multiple lawsuits I’m currently involved in, I can’t answer your question.  But, I can say this.  Give up on trying so hard to get girls to be interested in you.  I’m a dark, disturbed, bad-ass of a billionaire who gets babes to fall all over him like drops of rain on a Spring morning.  You’re nothing like me, and no amount of crime-fighting advice is gonna change that.  So, just be yourself; enjoy your comics and your video games, and stop pestering girls.  They really don’t like it.  OK?    Sincerely, The Batman

Things I’ve Decided To Never Again Do Naked

Artist’s Rendering Of Me Practicing Ballet, Circa 1995

1.) Ask a woman out on a date for the first time.

2.) Walk into a gas station to ask for directions.

3.) Juggle 5 cats at the same time.

4.) Go into a biker bar and yell out,” You’re all a bunch of sissies!”

5.) Deliver pizza to a 5 year old’s birthday party.

6.) Work as a CNA in a nursing home for Alzheimer’s patients.

7.) Tell the cop who just pulled me over, “Look, I don’t have my license on me cause I’m not wearing any clothes!”

8.) Ride a horse through the city in a snow storm.

9.) Sunbathe next to a convent filled with horny nuns.

10.) Jump on a trampoline in school yard full of children.