Happy Good Friday! To my readers whose workplace gives them a day off today, as mine did for all the years I worked there, I’ve this great suggestion for you: Why don’t we crucify four more deities, and take off the whole week?! $Amen$
Cul-De-Sac City, Florida. Charles A. Murray, author of the book, The Bell Curve which proved to the world that wealthy, white conservative men are genetically superior to woman, blacks and Latinos, released his new book today entitled, The Genetic Inferiority Of People Named Joe, and had this to say about it. “This new book is the result of decades of research conducted by a plethora of really smart scientists named Ted and Arnold. They, like me, have always known that people named Joe are simply not born with the genetic capacity to be as smart, wealthy, or good-looking as people not named Joe. The scientific research in my book proves, conclusively, that any person, man or woman, named Joe is, genetically speaking, inferior to the rest of humanity. And, I say, because of this, they should be rounded up and placed into sheltered “Joe” camps as to not bother the rest of us with their idiotic blubbering and repulsive looks. It is time to put the reigns on people named Joe and make the streets of our cities safe once more for our children. Buy my book, for just 27.95 a copy, to find out how you can get involved in the End Joe movement today. Order now and receive a God Hates Joe T-shirt, absolutely free, while supplies last.”
White House Garage, Washington D.C. A tearful President Obama announced today he was devastated because he lost the keys to his ’87 Volkswagen Bug over the weekend. “Those keys were special to me because they were on a key chain Vladimir Putin gave me after I drank his ass under the table the last time I visited Moscow,” the President said. “It had a little plastic statue of Putin on it that I rubbed for good luck every time I made a military decision. WTF am I going to do now? What?! I’m sorry, I simply must go lie down and cry for a while. Please forgive me.” Let’s hope the President finds his keys and his key chain soon, eh? World peace may very well depend on it.
Der Fadder Land, Oklahoma. In unexpected news today, Hitler’s mustache declared itself as a candidate for the Republican nomination for President. “I am zee most qualified perzon for deez job! I am of zee superior white mustache race!” Hitler’s mustache said earlier. “I am zick und tired of zee Republican Party nominating azzholes to be zee Prezident of zee USA! I promise, if elected, zat I vill bring order, dizipline, and un Aryan senze of perfection into America! Those who fail to vote for me, should I vin, vill be summarily executed! Zo, I suggest everyone who vants to live, vote for me, Hitler’s mustache! Seig Heil! Seig Heil! Seig Heil!”
Just in time for Christmas, the Tea Party announced today it is selling a new product to help eliminate the poor from the face of the Earth. It’s called, Poor Away. Just spray a tiny bit onto anyone making under 15 thousand dollars a year and they’ll dissolve into thin air as if they never lived. Be the envy of your conservative, white, Christian friends as you wipe out the poor with Poor Away. The proceeds of each sale go to support tax vouchers to help rich people send their children to wealthy, private schools. Eliminate the foul-smelling blight that the poor bring to our country and, at the same time, help keep rich white kids from having to mingle with poor, black, Hispanic, and Asian kids in Public Schools. What can be a better Holiday gift to give to yourself and/or your Tea Party member friends this Christmas than a sparkling new can of Poor Away ? Pre-order one today, for the meager price of 75 dollars, and receive a free, Earth Is Only 6000 Years Old , T-shirt while supplies last.
Badhair City, Iowa. Republican Presidential candidate, Donald Trump, today vowed that if he is elected President, he will send the Indians back to India. “Let’s face it,” Trump said, “there’s no such thing as an ‘American Indian’. People from America are Americans, and people from India are Indians. The Indians have been a thorn in the side of America since it was founded by wealthy, white, conservative Christian men in the early 1950’s. Anyone who’s seen a John Wayne Western can tell you this. Therefor, in order to end the pestilence that is the Indian in America I, if elected President, will send every last one of them back to their native India and place a 50 foot wall along the American, Indian border to forever keep them there. So, come November 2016, vote for Donald Trump for President. It’s the white thing to do.”
Rich Land, USA. The Republican Party today issued a statement demanding that the US Marine Corps stop being used to study biology. “What kinda B.S. is this?” GOP spokeswoman, Ivana Ownurass, said earlier. “The Marines are a branch of the US military that should be used to defend America against invaders from Mexico, Puerto Rico, and Hawaii, not to study biology. Marine biology is a clear sign that America is being run by a leftist, liberal, Muslim atheist of a President. We members of the Republican Party implore each and every American citizen to write to your congressman today to stop this ridiculous misuse of our Marines. We also implore each and every one of you to vote Republican in the election next year to help keep the poor poor, the wealthy wealthy, and the Mexicans south of our borders. May the white, all-loving arms of Christ wrap themselves around you to see that you do this. Amen.”