I Worked Security On Noah’s Ark, Says Hamster

Crazy City, Montana.  A cute little teddy bear hamster named Ezekiel stopped by the Pontificator office yesterday and told me that not only was he a passenger on Noah’s Ark, he was its chief of security. I asked him if he’d do an interview for the site, and he said, “Wadda tink I stopped by ‘fer, pal?” Below is a transcript of the first ever interview with a 4000 year old talking hamster.

Meet Ezekiel: Security Chief, Noah's Ark

Meet Ezekiel: Security Chief, Noah’s Ark

Ezekiel: Okee dokee, pal.  Before you even ask a question, I’ll answer a few dat I’m sure are on yer mind. Yes, I am a hamster, and I’m 4000 years old. Da only way I kin explain my longevity to ya is dis: I age the way folks in da Old Testament did, really friggin’ slow. How? I don’t know, but I ain’t complainin’ ’cause I love livin’. And yes, I kin talk, if ya ain’t noticed. Odd ya say? Not fer Old Testament times. All da animals talked back then. Not often, mind ya. Weren’t no need, usually. But you kin bet yer booty we talked when we was stuck on dat Ark fer all those months. Hell, we even put on a couple shows ‘n sung a few tunes. Woulda been a boring ass trip otherwise. OK, now dat dat’s outta da way, go ‘head ‘n ask yer questions.

ACP: Sure, but first, would you mind if I picked you up so I could hear you better and we can see eye to eye? I feel uncomfortable leering down at you like this.

Ezekiel: No problem at all, Bud. On da Ark, Captain Noah always held me up to his face when I gave ’em my daily security report, so I’m used to it. Man, I really miss dat ‘ole son of a sea cook.

ACP: (After picking up Ezekiel) I guess I’ll start with Noah then, now that you’ve mentioned him. What was he like?

Noah, Ironically, Looked Like Russell Crowe

Noah, Ironically, Really Did Look Like Russell Crowe

Ezekiel: Oh, he was a great guy, and get dis fer irony, he ‘n Russel Crowe coulda been twins, they look so much alike, had they not been born four millennia apart, dat is. Only complaint I ever heard ’bout ’em was dat his singin’ wasn’t all dat great in da musicals we did on da Ark. Dat’s pretty friggin’ ironic, too, when ya think about it, eh?

ACP: It is. And the other irony here is your timing. Russell Crowe’s movie, “Noah”, opens on Friday, and here you are giving an interview about what it was like on the real Ark two days before it opens. This isn’t some kind of cheap attempt at publicity is it?

Ezekiel: (After picking up his rifle and pointing it at my nose) Listen, Bud, I don’t take kindly ta folks questioning my integrity. You do dat again, an’ I’ll shot ya right in yer kisser! Ya catch my meanin’, Bud?

ACP: I do, and I’m sorry. Just is ironic timing is all. Anyway, I can see why Noah picked you to be head of security. For such a little guy, you’ve got a heck of a pair on you. Who or which animal or animals gave you the most trouble on the Ark? And, did any brew ha ha’s ever break out between the herbivores and the carnivores. I always pondered that question.

Ezekiel: (After placing his weapon back down.) Ta tell ya da truth, Bud, the biggest pains in my arse were da damn ducks. Talk about yer friggin’ prima donna’s. Nottin’ we did fer ’em was ever good enough. Quack, bloody quack, dis, and quack bloody quack, dat! Every friggin’ two minutes. ‘Our toilet runs. Fix it! Our food is the wrong brand of duck feed. Fix it! Our feathers are rumpled. Get a professional feather stylist an’ fix ’em!’

Ducks Were Prima Donna's On Noah's Ark

Ducks Were Prima Donna’s On Noah’s Ark

Moses, but they were a pain! I mean, no one else complained about things. Not da lions or da tigers or da bears, oh my! Everyone realized, dat with out dat ark, we was screwed. And bad. Even ducks kin only float ‘n drift fer so long ‘fore they gotta go onta land fer stuff. They really needed ta chill. But,’cept fer them, things were OK ‘tween everyone, and da carnivores were cool about not eatin’ the herbivores. They realized they needed ’em ta restock their food supply once da Ark came upon land again. Oh, and ‘fore I forget, there was no olive branch brought by a dove that informed us there was land. It was a huge-ass black sea snake named Henry who told us. He got the job of lookin’ ahead fer land after the dove who was doing it got fired for coming back drunk every time he went out. Rumor is he found an abandoned raft drifting about that had several barrels of grain alcohol on it. You know you have a drinking problem when you put your booze on a raft during a world ending rain storm before yourself. Oh, it’s later than I thought. I gotta run. Got a date with a sexy gerbil I meet yesterday.

ACP: Thanks for coming by, Ezekiel. Glad to have met you. Please don’t be a stranger, and stop by again. I’ve more questions I’d like to ask you.

Ezekiel:   I will, Bud. Take care, and thanks fer listenin’. Tootles!

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Odd

As you walk down the street on your way home from work, you can’t help notice, as you do every day, that the people you walk past are very odd.   One man walks with a strange limp and is mumbling something aloud to himself about, “those damned people ruining the country.”   “Odd man,” you think to yourself, “Very odd indeed.”  Next you pass by a grocery store and a woman comes out with a bright purple dress and a large yellow hat tilted so far back on her head you can see her orange-colored hair that is uncombed and greasy.  “Damn,” you again say to yourself, “that’s one odd-looking lady!  Very odd indeed.”

Later, you stop by a McDonald’s to buy a burger for supper and you notice the kid taking your order has pimples and a large, protruding over bite.  “Fuck, you think to yourself, “this kid is funny-looking as hell.  What an odd life he must have to live looking like that.  No girls for him, I’ll bet!”   Then, as you’re leaving the restaurant, you notice a disheveled  homeless person asking people on the street for money.  “I ain’t got any,” you tell him when he asks.  “Shit,” you softly say to yourself when you know he can’t hear you, “that dude is odd, even for a homeless guy.  No one’s gonna give him a dime lookin’ like he does, the bum.”

Finally, as you approach the front door of your apartment building, a little girl walks out and accidentally bumps into you.   “Be careful, you little cretin!  Didn’t your parents teach you to be more careful when you’re walking out of a door?”  The girl merely smiles awkwardly at you showing off the fact two of her front teeth have fallen out.   “Now, THAT, looks really fuckin’ odd,” you say aloud when the girl has walked away.  God damned parents ought to be slapped for letting her walk around looking all goofy like that.   They should tell her to keep her mouth shut til her teeth grow back or other kids are gonna tease her to death for lookin’ like that.”  You quickly walk up the stairs to your apartment and go inside.

As you enter your apartment you remove your worn, leather jacket that has Star Trek insignias sown onto the sleeves.   You place it in your closet in front of your tattered collection of old Playboy magazines. Then you remove the obviously not real hair toupee from the top of your head and place it on top your dresser right next to the dozen or so unopened condoms you keep on hand, “just in case.”  You go to your ‘fridge and take out a beer.  Next, you sit on your couch and remove your shoes.  Your socks have so many holes in them that 8 of your ten toes, with their yellowish, very long nails, protrude from them.   You remove your shirt and loosen your belt.  This allows your round, overblown belly to flop freely out.   You pat it proudly and take a swig of the beer, belching loudly as you do.  You pick up the TV remote, turn on the nightly news, and lean comfortably back into the couch.   On the TV, a story about transgendered people in the military comes on. “Jesus fuckin’ Christ,” you shout back at it, “those people are way too odd to be allowed in the military.   I served in the military, and if there’s one thing anyone who knows me can tell ya’, there ain’t nuttin’ odd about me!”  You continue watching TV until you finally fall asleep, dreaming of the odd people you’ll see on your way to work in the morning.

 

Happy Good Friday

(Unless You're Jesus. Then Today Ain't So Happy)

(Unless You’re Jesus; Then Today Ain’t So Happy)

Happy Good Friday! To my readers whose workplace gives them a day off today, as mine did for all the years I worked there, I’ve this great suggestion for you: Why don’t we crucify four more deities, and take off the whole week?! $Amen$

Bell Curve Author, Charles A. Murray, Releases New Book Called The Genetic Inferiority Of People Named Joe

Charles Murray: The Man who Proved Wealthy, White, Conservative Males Are Genetically Superior To Woman And Blacks

Charles A. Murray: The Man who Proved Wealthy, White, Conservative Males Are Genetically Superior To Woman And Blacks

Cul-De-Sac City, Florida.   Charles A. Murray, author of the book, The Bell Curve which proved to the world that wealthy, white conservative men are genetically superior to woman, blacks and Latinos, released his new book today entitled, The Genetic Inferiority Of People Named Joe, and had this to say about it.  “This new book is the result of decades of research conducted by a plethora of really smart scientists named Ted and Arnold.  They, like me, have always known that people named Joe are simply not born with the genetic capacity to be as smart, wealthy, or good-looking as people not named Joe.  The scientific research in my book proves, conclusively, that any person, man or woman, named Joe is, genetically speaking, inferior to the rest of humanity.  And, I say, because of this, they should be rounded up and placed into sheltered “Joe” camps as to not bother the rest of us with their idiotic blubbering and repulsive looks.  It is time to put the reigns on people named Joe and make the streets of our cities safe once more for our children.  Buy my book, for just 27.95 a copy, to find out how you can get involved in the End Joe movement today.  Order now and receive a God Hates Joe T-shirt, absolutely free, while supplies last.”

President Obama Loses Car Keys; Cries

"Those were my favorite, bestest set of car keys EVER," President Obama said after losing the keys to his 1987 Volkswagen Bug earlier today.

President Obama Cries After Announcing To The Press He’s Lost The Keys To His Volkswagen Bug

White House Garage, Washington D.C.   A tearful President Obama announced today he was devastated because he lost the keys to his ’87 Volkswagen Bug over the weekend.   “Those keys were special to me because they were on a key chain Vladimir Putin gave me after I drank his ass under the table the last time I visited Moscow,” the President said.   “It had a little plastic statue of Putin on it that I rubbed for good luck every time I made a military decision.  WTF am I going to do now?  What?!  I’m sorry, I simply must go lie down and cry for a while.  Please forgive me.”   Let’s hope the President finds his keys and his key chain soon, eh?  World peace may very well depend on it.

Hitler’s Mustache To Seek GOP Nomination For President

Hitler's Mustache Just After Declaring It Is Seeking The GOP Nomination For The Presidency

Hitler’s Mustache, Minutes After Declaring It Is Seeking The GOP Nomination For The 2016 Presidential Race

Der Fadder Land, Oklahoma.  In unexpected news today, Hitler’s mustache declared itself as a candidate for the Republican nomination for President.  “I am zee most qualified perzon for deez job!  I am of zee superior white mustache race!”  Hitler’s mustache said earlier.  “I am zick und tired of zee Republican Party nominating azzholes to be zee Prezident of zee USA!  I promise, if elected, zat I vill bring order, dizipline, and un Aryan senze of perfection into America!  Those who fail to vote for me, should I vin, vill be summarily executed!  Zo, I suggest everyone who vants to live, vote for me, Hitler’s mustache!  Seig Heil!  Seig Heil! Seig Heil!”

Eliminate The Poor This Christmas With Poor Away

Poor Away Is Death A Spray Can For Anyone Making Less Than 15 Thousand A Year

Poor Away Is Death In A Can For Anyone Making Less Than 15 Thousand A Year

Just in time for Christmas, the Tea Party announced today it is selling a new product to help eliminate the poor from the face of the Earth.  It’s called, Poor Away.  Just spray a tiny bit onto anyone making under 15 thousand dollars a year and they’ll dissolve into thin air as if they never lived.   Be the envy of your conservative, white, Christian friends as you wipe out the poor with Poor Away.  The proceeds of each sale go to support tax vouchers to help rich people send their children to wealthy, private schools.   Eliminate the foul-smelling blight that the poor bring to our country and, at the same time, help keep rich white kids from having to mingle with poor, black, Hispanic, and Asian kids in Public Schools.  What can be a better Holiday gift to give to yourself and/or your Tea Party member friends this Christmas than a sparkling new can of Poor Away ?   Pre-order one today, for the meager price of 75 dollars, and receive a free, Earth Is Only 6000 Years Old , T-shirt while supplies last.