Odd

As you walk down the street on your way home from work, you can’t help notice, as you do every day, that the people you walk past are very odd.   One man walks with a strange limp and is mumbling something aloud to himself about, “those damned people ruining the country.”   “Odd man,” you think to yourself, “Very odd indeed.”  Next you pass by a grocery store and a woman comes out with a bright purple dress and a large yellow hat tilted so far back on her head you can see her orange-colored hair that is uncombed and greasy.  “Damn,” you again say to yourself, “that’s one odd-looking lady!  Very odd indeed.”

Later, you stop by a McDonald’s to buy a burger for supper and you notice the kid taking your order has pimples and a large, protruding over bite.  “Fuck, you think to yourself, “this kid is funny-looking as hell.  What an odd life he must have to live looking like that.  No girls for him, I’ll bet!”   Then, as you’re leaving the restaurant, you notice a disheveled  homeless person asking people on the street for money.  “I ain’t got any,” you tell him when he asks.  “Shit,” you softly say to yourself when you know he can’t hear you, “that dude is odd, even for a homeless guy.  No one’s gonna give him a dime lookin’ like he does, the bum.”

Finally, as you approach the front door of your apartment building, a little girl walks out and accidentally bumps into you.   “Be careful, you little cretin!  Didn’t your parents teach you to be more careful when you’re walking out of a door?”  The girl merely smiles awkwardly at you showing off the fact two of her front teeth have fallen out.   “Now, THAT, looks really fuckin’ odd,” you say aloud when the girl has walked away.  God damned parents ought to be slapped for letting her walk around looking all goofy like that.   They should tell her to keep her mouth shut til her teeth grow back or other kids are gonna tease her to death for lookin’ like that.”  You quickly walk up the stairs to your apartment and go inside.

As you enter your apartment you remove your worn, leather jacket that has Star Trek insignias sown onto the sleeves.   You place it in your closet in front of your tattered collection of old Playboy magazines. Then you remove the obviously not real hair toupee from the top of your head and place it on top your dresser right next to the dozen or so unopened condoms you keep on hand, “just in case.”  You go to your ‘fridge and take out a beer.  Next, you sit on your couch and remove your shoes.  Your socks have so many holes in them that 8 of your ten toes, with their yellowish, very long nails, protrude from them.   You remove your shirt and loosen your belt.  This allows your round, overblown belly to flop freely out.   You pat it proudly and take a swig of the beer, belching loudly as you do.  You pick up the TV remote, turn on the nightly news, and lean comfortably back into the couch.   On the TV, a story about transgendered people in the military comes on. “Jesus fuckin’ Christ,” you shout back at it, “those people are way too odd to be allowed in the military.   I served in the military, and if there’s one thing anyone who knows me can tell ya’, there ain’t nuttin’ odd about me!”  You continue watching TV until you finally fall asleep, dreaming of the odd people you’ll see on your way to work in the morning.

 

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Happy Good Friday

(Unless You're Jesus. Then Today Ain't So Happy)

(Unless You’re Jesus; Then Today Ain’t So Happy)

Happy Good Friday! To my readers whose workplace gives them a day off today, as mine did for all the years I worked there, I’ve this great suggestion for you: Why don’t we crucify four more deities, and take off the whole week?! $Amen$

Bell Curve Author, Charles A. Murray, Releases New Book Called The Genetic Inferiority Of People Named Joe

Charles Murray: The Man who Proved Wealthy, White, Conservative Males Are Genetically Superior To Woman And Blacks

Charles A. Murray: The Man who Proved Wealthy, White, Conservative Males Are Genetically Superior To Woman And Blacks

Cul-De-Sac City, Florida.   Charles A. Murray, author of the book, The Bell Curve which proved to the world that wealthy, white conservative men are genetically superior to woman, blacks and Latinos, released his new book today entitled, The Genetic Inferiority Of People Named Joe, and had this to say about it.  “This new book is the result of decades of research conducted by a plethora of really smart scientists named Ted and Arnold.  They, like me, have always known that people named Joe are simply not born with the genetic capacity to be as smart, wealthy, or good-looking as people not named Joe.  The scientific research in my book proves, conclusively, that any person, man or woman, named Joe is, genetically speaking, inferior to the rest of humanity.  And, I say, because of this, they should be rounded up and placed into sheltered “Joe” camps as to not bother the rest of us with their idiotic blubbering and repulsive looks.  It is time to put the reigns on people named Joe and make the streets of our cities safe once more for our children.  Buy my book, for just 27.95 a copy, to find out how you can get involved in the End Joe movement today.  Order now and receive a God Hates Joe T-shirt, absolutely free, while supplies last.”

President Obama Loses Car Keys; Cries

"Those were my favorite, bestest set of car keys EVER," President Obama said after losing the keys to his 1987 Volkswagen Bug earlier today.

President Obama Cries After Announcing To The Press He’s Lost The Keys To His Volkswagen Bug

White House Garage, Washington D.C.   A tearful President Obama announced today he was devastated because he lost the keys to his ’87 Volkswagen Bug over the weekend.   “Those keys were special to me because they were on a key chain Vladimir Putin gave me after I drank his ass under the table the last time I visited Moscow,” the President said.   “It had a little plastic statue of Putin on it that I rubbed for good luck every time I made a military decision.  WTF am I going to do now?  What?!  I’m sorry, I simply must go lie down and cry for a while.  Please forgive me.”   Let’s hope the President finds his keys and his key chain soon, eh?  World peace may very well depend on it.

Hitler’s Mustache To Seek GOP Nomination For President

Hitler's Mustache Just After Declaring It Is Seeking The GOP Nomination For The Presidency

Hitler’s Mustache, Minutes After Declaring It Is Seeking The GOP Nomination For The 2016 Presidential Race

Der Fadder Land, Oklahoma.  In unexpected news today, Hitler’s mustache declared itself as a candidate for the Republican nomination for President.  “I am zee most qualified perzon for deez job!  I am of zee superior white mustache race!”  Hitler’s mustache said earlier.  “I am zick und tired of zee Republican Party nominating azzholes to be zee Prezident of zee USA!  I promise, if elected, zat I vill bring order, dizipline, and un Aryan senze of perfection into America!  Those who fail to vote for me, should I vin, vill be summarily executed!  Zo, I suggest everyone who vants to live, vote for me, Hitler’s mustache!  Seig Heil!  Seig Heil! Seig Heil!”

Eliminate The Poor This Christmas With Poor Away

Poor Away Is Death A Spray Can For Anyone Making Less Than 15 Thousand A Year

Poor Away Is Death In A Can For Anyone Making Less Than 15 Thousand A Year

Just in time for Christmas, the Tea Party announced today it is selling a new product to help eliminate the poor from the face of the Earth.  It’s called, Poor Away.  Just spray a tiny bit onto anyone making under 15 thousand dollars a year and they’ll dissolve into thin air as if they never lived.   Be the envy of your conservative, white, Christian friends as you wipe out the poor with Poor Away.  The proceeds of each sale go to support tax vouchers to help rich people send their children to wealthy, private schools.   Eliminate the foul-smelling blight that the poor bring to our country and, at the same time, help keep rich white kids from having to mingle with poor, black, Hispanic, and Asian kids in Public Schools.  What can be a better Holiday gift to give to yourself and/or your Tea Party member friends this Christmas than a sparkling new can of Poor Away ?   Pre-order one today, for the meager price of 75 dollars, and receive a free, Earth Is Only 6000 Years Old , T-shirt while supplies last.

Donald Trump Vows To Send Indians Back To India If Elected President

"You're either an American or an Indian," shouts Donald Trump. "You can't be both!"

“You’re either an American or an Indian,” shouts Donald Trump. “You can’t be both!”

Badhair City, Iowa.   Republican Presidential candidate, Donald Trump, today vowed that if he is elected President, he will send the Indians back to India.  “Let’s face it,” Trump said, “there’s no such thing as an ‘American Indian’.  People from America are Americans, and people from India are Indians.  The Indians have been a thorn in the side of America since it was founded by wealthy, white, conservative Christian men in the early 1950’s.   Anyone who’s seen a John Wayne Western can tell you this.  Therefor, in order to end the pestilence that is the Indian in America I, if elected President, will send every last one of them back to their native India and place a 50 foot wall along the American, Indian border to forever keep them there.   So, come November 2016, vote for Donald Trump for President.  It’s the white thing to do.”