Animal Talk

“Say that again, pal, and I will KICK YOUR ASS!!! I’m serious, buddy! I’ve studied Kung Fu in China for years, and I am one BAD and DANGEROUS puppy! Hiiiiii…..YAAAAA!!!!”


“If you give me my toothbrush back right this minute, I’ll forget you ever took it. So, just put the god damned thing in my hand, walk away, and it’ll all be forgotten. OK?”


“I…um…I’m……I’m looking for a nice shirt ‘n tie, but….well… but…see….I kinda have a….well….a neck issue in that…well… I don’t truly have much of a neck. So…um…if anyone out there has a nice men’s shirt with a child’s neck size, kin I have it?  Please?”


“And I thought working for FedEx was humiliating.”


“Look deeply into my eyes. Deeper. Deeper. Now, relax and reach for your wallet. Take out all of your money and credit cards and place them in front of me; then turn around and go home and go to sleep. Tomorrow you will NOT remember meeting a talking monkey in the park who hypnotized you into giving him your money. Good bye.”


“Could you please repeat that? I didn’t hear you right. Did you make some sort of a wise-ass remark about my ears? I find it truly rude when people make fun of my ears. So don’t. OK.”