Chocolate Factory City, New Jersey. An Oompa Loompa named Barton Banger claimed today to be the illegitimate son of Donald Trump. “Yep. The Donald is most definitely my Pops,” Mr. Banger said earlier. “He and my moms met during the filming of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory back in the early 70’s. Donald was eventually fired from the movie because of his freakishly tall height. The producers said he looked ridiculous next to the other Oompa Loompas during the film’s song and dance routines, so they fired him. Any-who, that’s how I came to be. He and my moms had a quick fling, he got fired, and she never saw him again. I figure it’s time now to claim my share of the Trump fortune, so I’m coming out about my true identity. Also, I’ve always wanted to live in the White House, and hopefully, when my Pops becomes President, he’ll let me move into it with him. Gotta run now, I’ve got chocolate shimmering on the stove, and I don’t want to over cook it.”
Blue-Eyed City, Minnesota. A group of vicious Vikings today tried to invade the White House and take over America. Witness to the PTSD-causing event, Melinda Muffinberger, had this to say about it: “I was walking my dog, Pussy, this morning when a group of 6 or 7 rage-filled Vikings got off a bus near the White House and rushed past me. They began yelling, ‘America is ours now, bitches!’ as they ran onto the White House lawn. Several secret service agents ran from the White House and opened fire on the crazed Vikings. All were killed within seconds. I’m almost certain the Vikings were not armed, but they were very mean and scary looking, so they deserved exactly what they got. I’m deeply grateful to our wonderful secret service for protecting me, my darling Pussy, and our great nation. I hope this serves as a warning to all cultures that wish to invade the White House and attack America. F*ck with us, and you die.”
Trump called for Russia to hack into Hillary Clinton’s emails yesterday. This, combined with his bro-mance with Vladimir Putin, make him a treasonous, anti-American scoundrel and a threat to U.S. national security. He must NOT begin receiving national security updates as he’s scheduled to do any day now. We’ve a traitor running for President, and his name is Donald Trump.
Trump-Is-God City, USA. After asking the Russians today to hack Hillary Clinton’s email server for him, Donald Trump declared, “Please, ISIS, kill Hillary Clinton. I hate her, and she bothers me.” Trump further went on to say, “Just as I’ve come to love Vladimir Putin, Russia, and China, I’ve come to develop a deep fondness for my Islamic friends in ISIS. Once you get to know them, they’re really not all that bad. They’re also really good at killing people, and I want Hillary Clinton dead right NOW!!!! She disrespects my greatness with each breath she takes. How DARE she say unflattering things about me! My pal Putin doesn’t do that, and neither do my new pals in ISIS. They like me. They think I’m smart, funny, kind, and good-looking. So, I’m asking you, my ISIS brothers, kill Hillary for me and end this idiotic Presidential race. There really is no race anyway, as only a blind, anti-American idiot would vote for Hillary over me. God bless you, ISIS, and God bless Vladimir Putin, Russia, and America.”
Here are a few pictures of famous Dicks. Some of these Dicks are also assholes. I’ll leave it to the reader to decide which of them this applies to.
Cleveland, Ohio. Soon to be President, Donald Trump, today cited Adolf Hitler, many times, as he proudly accepted the Republican nomination for the presidency of the United States. “Now that I have been nominated as the future President of America, I must quote my hero, Adolf Hitler, because he is simply amazing.” Herr Trump said earlier. “Here’s a quote of his I particularly love: ‘Demoralize the enemy from within by surprise, terror, sabotage, assassination. This is the war of the future.’ I, your Lord and Master, Donald Trump, say this is the way to obliterate our enemy, Hillary Clinton, completely. Whose ideas, my Republican friends, are better to help lead my cause to create a just, white America than Adolf Hitler’s? He’s one of the greatest white people to have ever lived. I LOVE him, and I know, in my heart, you do too. Also remember, my white Republican brothers and sisters, this other great quote from Hitler: ‘Great liars are also great magicians.’ I am THE greatest liar who’s ever lived, all of you who vote for me accept this. My lies would give Hitler himself a hard-on. Thus, continue to do what you’re doing and accept every thing I say to you as true. It helps me that you do, and, for that, I, and my idol, Adolf Hitler, thank you. Seig Heil, my Republican friends, and I thank all of you for helping to make America white, Christian, and non-gay once again.”