Donald Trump Is My Pops, Claims Oompa Loompa

Is This Man Donald Trump's Illegitimate Son?

Is This Man Donald Trump’s Illegitimate Son?

Chocolate Factory City, New Jersey.    An Oompa Loompa named Barton Banger claimed today to be the illegitimate son of Donald Trump.   “Yep.  The Donald is most definitely my Pops,” Mr. Banger said earlier.  “He and my moms met during the filming of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory back in the early 70’s.   Donald was eventually fired from the movie because of his freakishly tall height.  The producers said he looked ridiculous next to the other Oompa Loompas during the film’s song and dance routines, so they fired him.  Any-who, that’s how I came to be.  He and my moms had a quick fling, he got fired, and she never saw him again.  I figure it’s time now to claim my share of the Trump fortune, so I’m coming out about my true identity.   Also, I’ve always wanted to live in the White House, and hopefully, when my Pops becomes President, he’ll let me move into it with him.  Gotta run now, I’ve got chocolate shimmering on the stove, and I don’t want to over cook it.”

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Vikings Attempt To Take Over White House

Vikings

Vikings Like These Attempted To Take Over The White House Today

Blue-Eyed City, Minnesota.    A group of vicious Vikings today tried to invade the White House and take over America. Witness to the PTSD-causing event, Melinda Muffinberger, had this to say about it: “I was walking my dog, Pussy, this morning when a group of 6 or 7 rage-filled Vikings got off a bus near the White House and rushed past me.  They began yelling, ‘America is ours now, bitches!’ as they ran onto the White House lawn.  Several secret service agents ran from the White House and opened fire on the crazed Vikings.  All were killed within seconds.   I’m almost certain the Vikings were not armed, but they were very mean and scary looking, so they deserved exactly what they got.  I’m deeply grateful to our wonderful secret service for protecting me, my darling Pussy, and our great nation.   I hope this serves as a warning to all cultures that wish to invade the White House and attack America.  F*ck with us, and you die.”

Human Torch Talks About A Very Personal Issue

Human Torch here, folks.  I've got a problem I need to talk about.  I love beans-all kinds of beans, pinto, chili, baked, and kidney.  Thing is, they give me brutal gas, and, being a dude who makes his living by being a....well,,,,a human torch, this has

Human Torch here, folks. I’ve got a problem I need to talk about. I love beans-all kinds of beans, pinto, chili, baked, and kidney. Thing is, they give me brutal gas, and, being a dude who makes his living by being a…well…a human torch, this has caused me great grief over the years.  Once, when I was rescuing a cat that had climbed into a tree, I blasted a huge fart which caused a massive blue flame to shoot out of my flaming ass.  The flame flew into an old folks home that was across the street from me and set off the sprinkler system.  Dozens of old folks had to run out of their beds in the middle of the night, soaking wet, and stand in the freezing cold until the fire department came and gave the all clear for them to go back inside.  When the fire chief asked me if I knew what had caused the sprinkler system to activate, I shrugged my flaming shoulders and said, “Nope.  All I know is, it had nothing to do with me.”  So, the next time you’re feeling down and think your life is tough, think of me, my bean addiction, and my flaming ass.  I guarantee you, you’ll see how your problems pale in comparison to mine.  Have a great day, and thanks for listening.

Block Trump From Receiving Security Briefings

Trump called for Russia to hack into Hillary Clinton’s emails yesterday.  This, combined with his bro-mance with Vladimir Putin, make him a treasonous, anti-American scoundrel and a threat to U.S. national security.   He must NOT begin receiving national security updates as he’s scheduled to do any day now.  We’ve a traitor running for President, and his name is Donald Trump.

Trump Asks ISIS, “Please Kill Hillary Clinton For Me”

Friend To Vladimir Putin, Russia, China, and ISIS, Donald Trump

Friend To Vladimir Putin, Russia, China, and ISIS, Donald Trump

Trump-Is-God City, USA.    After asking the Russians today to hack Hillary Clinton’s email server for him, Donald Trump declared,  “Please, ISIS, kill Hillary Clinton.  I hate her, and she bothers me.”  Trump further went on to say, “Just as I’ve come to love Vladimir Putin, Russia, and China, I’ve  come to develop a deep fondness for my Islamic friends in ISIS.  Once you get to know them, they’re really not all that bad.  They’re also really good at killing people, and I want Hillary Clinton dead right NOW!!!!  She disrespects my greatness with each breath she takes.  How DARE she say unflattering things about me!  My pal Putin doesn’t do that, and neither do my new pals in ISIS.  They like me.  They think I’m smart, funny, kind, and good-looking.  So, I’m asking you, my ISIS brothers, kill Hillary for me and end this idiotic Presidential race.  There really is no race anyway, as only a blind, anti-American idiot would vote for Hillary over me.  God bless you, ISIS, and God bless Vladimir Putin, Russia, and America.”

Famous Dick Pics

Here are a few pictures of famous Dicks.  Some of these Dicks are also assholes.  I’ll leave it to the reader to decide which of them this applies to.

1.)

Dick Cheney was U.S. Vice President from 2001 to 2009. His great Aunt Bertha once said of him, "Our little Dick is one helluva a little shit. That would shoot his own hunter partner given the opportunity. Thank Jesus he'll never become Vice President of the U.S. under the Presidency of a half-brained twit of a President. Lord only knows what kinda shit-storm he'd help create in the Middle East if he did."

Dick Cheney was U.S. Vice President from 2001 to 2009. In 1950, his great Aunt Bertha said of him, “Our little Dick is one helluva a little shit. He’d shoot his own hunting partner given the opportunity. Thank goodness he’ll never become Vice President under the leadership of a half-brained twit of a President. Lord only knows what kinda shit-storm he’d create should that ever happen.”

 

2.)

Actor Dick Van Patten, 1928-2015, was best known for his portrayal of the father on the 70's TV show, "Eight Is Enough." He was beloved by his fellow cast members on that show and known as a guy who never dicked around and always knew all of his lines.

Actor Dick Van Patten, 1928-2015, was best known for his portrayal of the father on the 70’s TV show, “Eight Is Enough.” He was beloved by his fellow cast members on that show. Co-star Adam Rich once said of him, “He never dicked around on set, and he always knew all of his lines.  He also bought me lots of ice cream and candy. I liked that, though it rotted my teeth, and the subsequent dental work really sucked.”

 

3.)

Richard The Third of England, 1452-1485, was known by his childhood friend, Charles Pumpernickle The First, as a "Real dick who often took candy from babies." Shakespeare immortalized Richard in his famous play about him, "Dat Dude Named Dick Da Third Who Killed Doze Folks". Great play for those of you who've not read it.

King Richard The Third of England, 1452-1485, was known by his childhood friend, Charles Pumpernickel The First, as a “Real dick who often took milk from babies.” Shakespeare immortalized Richard in his famous play, “A Dude Named Dick Who Killed Lots ‘O Folks”.  It’s a great play for those of you who’ve not read it.

 

4.)

90 year old TV icon Dick Van Dyke is so beloved by the fans of his 1960's television show, "The Dick Van Dyke Show", that thousands of them send him Christmas cards every year which read, "Merry Christmas, Dick. We friggin' love you!"

90-year-old TV icon Dick Van Dyke is so beloved by fans of his 1960’s television show, “The Dick Van Dyke Show”, that thousands of them send him Christmas cards every year which read, “Merry Christmas, Dick. We friggin’ love ya’!”

 

5.)

Richard Nixon was President of the U.S. from 1969 to 1974. His White House man-servant, Jeeves Smithers, said of him after he resigned as President, "That f*ckin' Dick went and reigned without paying me the remainder of my 70,000 dollar a year salary. If I ever see that squint-eyed bastard again, I'm gonna beat 'em senseless."

Richard Nixon was President of the U.S. from 1969 to 1974. His White House man-servant, Jeeves Smithers, said of him, after he resigned the Presidency, “That f*ckin’ dick went and resigned without paying me the remainder of the 70,000 dollar a year salary he owes me. If I ever see that squint-eyed bastard again, I’m gonna beat ’em senseless.”

Trump Thanks Hitler For His Leadership Inspiration

Trump's Hero, Adolf Hitler

Trump’s Hero, Adolf Hitler

Cleveland, Ohio.   Soon to be President, Donald Trump, today cited Adolf Hitler, many times, as he proudly accepted the Republican nomination for the presidency of the United States.  “Now that I have been nominated as the future President of America, I must quote my hero, Adolf Hitler, because he is simply amazing.”  Herr Trump said earlier. “Here’s a quote of his I particularly love: ‘Demoralize the enemy from within by surprise, terror, sabotage, assassination. This is the war of the future.’  I, your Lord and Master, Donald Trump, say this is the way to obliterate our enemy, Hillary Clinton, completely.   Whose ideas, my Republican friends, are better to help lead my cause to create a just, white America than Adolf Hitler’s?  He’s one of the greatest white people to have ever lived.  I LOVE him, and I know, in my heart, you do too.  Also remember, my white Republican brothers and sisters, this other great quote from Hitler: ‘Great liars are also great magicians.’  I am THE greatest liar who’s ever lived, all of you who vote for me accept this.  My lies would give Hitler himself a hard-on.  Thus, continue to do what you’re doing and accept every thing I say to you as true.  It helps me that you do, and, for that, I, and my idol, Adolf Hitler, thank you.   Seig Heil, my Republican friends, and I thank all of you for helping to make America white, Christian, and non-gay once again.”