French Toast Town, France. Shocking news was released today by MIT Linguists Professor, Connie Servative in regards to a 15 year study she conducted to determine what percentage of Americans think the French talk funny. “Precisely 89% of Americans have a feeling deep in their gut that French people talk funny,” Professor Servative said earlier. “That is a much higher number than the 34% I expected to find 15 years ago when I first began this exhaustive study. As any decent American can tell you, French people speak in a strange, primitive language that is nowhere near as advanced as the superior form of American we Americans speak. However, I did not expect so many Americans I surveyed to say French people sounded funny when they talk. Americans usually have much better manners than to admit such thoughts out loud to people they don’t really know. Since so many of them did admit this to me, I can only conclude that, indeed, not only do French people speak a language much more primitive than American, it also sounds funny when they speak it. Hopefully the results of this survey will help the French move into the 21st Century and learn proper American like we Americans speak. Perhaps then so many Americans won’t think they sound funny when they talk.”
Websville, Mississippi. “We searched for several months and tested several hundred actors to play Spiderman in our upcoming films,” said Marvel Studios President, Kevin Feige earlier today. “We finally decided that none of them were able to hold a match up to the acting talents of Sir Peter O’Toole, even though he’s dead. We at Marvel Studios pride ourselves in casting only the finest actors to play our iconic heroes in our films. Why should something like death stand in the way of Sir Peter playing high school student Peter Parker, aka Spiderman? Talent is talent. Dead or alive. We’re hoping to make the best Spiderman movies possible, and with Peter O’Toole’s corpse signed for 6 of our films, we feel we’ve taken one helluva step in making that hope a reality. Exiting times are ahead for good ole Web-head, Marvel fans, just you wait and see.”
Jesus Hates Fags City, Mississippi. Hello everyone. My name is Dick Biggens. I’m a Fundamentalist Christian and a firm believer that, not only will atheists one day burn in Hell beneath the sandal-ed feet of Our All Loving Lord, Jesus Christ, they also suck. I have five specific points on why atheists suck, but before I list them, I will first define for you exactly what an atheist is. An atheist is any person who has not accepted Our All Loving Lord, Jesus Christ, as their true Lord and Savior. The only thing worse than an atheist in the eyes of Jesus are faggots. Faggots are so despicable in Jesus’ eyes that, even if they accept Him as their Lord and Savior, He will still hate them for being faggots and burn them in the fires of Hell for eternity after they die. And now, here is my list of ten reasons why atheists suck.
1.) Atheists suck because they are all faggots. As I stated above, Jesus, Our All Loving Savior, hates nothing more than faggots. Thus, since Jesus hates faggots AND atheists, all atheists are faggots. See? Simple.
2.) Atheists suck because they do not bow down and kiss the asses of Fundamentalist Christians the way Jesus demands they do. We like our asses kissed and hate those who refuse to kiss them. Nothing faggy about this, we just love the feel of warm lips on our Fundamentalist Christian asses, male and female.
3.) Atheists suck because they refuse to read the Bible correctly. The correct way to read the Bible is our way. Not reading the Bible our way is a sign that atheists are lazy, uneducated ninnies whose hearts are black and full of sticky, gooey, bile. Also, since atheists refuse to read the Bible our way, it proves they are not open to reason, and horrible at doing research into why our way of reading the Bible is the ONLY way to read the Bible. idjits. The whole sucky lot of ’em.
4.) Atheists suck because they lack any sense of morality. It is well-known within Fundamentalist Christian circles that all atheists are cannibals. In particular, they enjoy eating little babies that they’ve ripped from the wombs of good, Fundamentalist Christian women. Only people without morals would do this, and, as I stated earlier, atheists have no morals. A person with no morals is also a cannibal. Atheists have no morals. Therefor, all atheists are cannibals. Solid reasoning, is it not?
5.) Lastly, for today, I’ll leave you with this immaculate bit of Fundamentalist Christian reasoning. People who do not accept Our All Loving Lord, Jesus Christ, as their true Savior, suck. Atheists do not accept Our All Loving Lord, Jesus Christ, as their Savior. Therefor, all atheists suck.
Yours in Our All Loving Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, Dick Biggens.