Ken Ham Discovered To Be 33,000 Years Old

WTF City, Kentucky.   In simply stunning news today, Harvard Anthropology Professor, Jimmy D. Peenus, announced he has found irrefutable evidence that famous Young Earth Creationist, Ken Ham, is, himself, almost 33,000 years old.  “Mr. Ham is the walking embodiment of a brand new, long-lived form of hominid I’ve named, Homoerectus Ignoramus,” Professor Peenus said earlier.  “I found the evidence for this while I was in the Chauvet-Pont-d’Arc Cave in France examining the stone-age paintings there.  Whilst gazing at one of the paintings, I noticed it more resembled a photograph than an actual painting.  On further inspection, I noticed some writing on the back of the picture which reads, The Earth is only 6000 years old.  Love always, Ken Ham.  I then had the picture carbon dated, and, sure enough, it is, like the other pictures in the cave, approximately 33,000 years old.  The picture in question is shown below.

Photo Of Ken Ham From 33,000 BP Which Was Found In The Chauvet-Pont-d'Arc Cave In France

This Photo Of Ken Ham, From 33,000 BP, Was Found In The Chauvet-Pont-d’Arc Cave In France

Needless to say, I was shocked to realize that I had been standing on the very spot Ken Ham himself stood, 33,000 years ago, spouting his Young Earth Creationist nonsense to a group of primitive human painters.  No known species of animal has ever been reported to live as long as Mr. Ham has.  I must say, however, in conclusion, that I find it rather sad that in all the years he’s lived, Ken Ham has not yet developed the capacity to reason like a mature, educated human being.  The man’s been telling people the Earth is only 6000 years old for all of his 33,000 years on it. You truly can’t get irony any sadder than that.”


Search For Terrestrial Intelligence Program Launched By Ken Ham

Ken Ham Shows His Amazing Intelligence By Sporting This Abraham Lincoln-esque Beard

Ken Ham Shows Off His Amazing Intelligence By Sporting This Abraham Lincoln-esque Beard

Hollow Skull, Kentucky.  Creationist and founder of the highly intelligent Creation Museum in Kentucky, Ken Ham, announced today he is sponsoring a Search For Terrestrial Intelligence program in order to find the few intelligent people on Earth who realize the Bible is, word for word, undeniably true, and Jesus is our true Lord and Savior who loves everyone equally whilst hating fags.  “I just know in my highly intelligent mind that there are other people out there who are as intelligent as I am,” Mr. Ham said earlier today.   “I’ve come up with a test to give people to see which ones are intelligent and which are stupid, dumb-dumb heads.  It’s a test I call the Search For Terrestrial Intelligence.  It consists of three simple questions which are as follows: 1.) Are you intelligent enough to recognize the great intelligence I, Ken Ham, possess?  2.) Are you intelligent enough to understand the Bible is absolutely, word for word, correct? And, lastly, 3.) Do you accept the fact that if you answered ‘no’ to either of the first two questions you’ve proven yourself to be an unintelligent poo-poo head and an evil atheist?  This test will weed out the dumb-dumbs from those brilliant enough to realize my superior intellect.  The test will also help Jesus sort through the idiots who didn’t believe in my intelligence come judgement day.  It will also help me and my followers know who to hate much more clearly.  So, if you think you’re intelligent, take the test and prove it.  Otherwise, I, and Jesus, will just assume you’re a stupid poo-poo face.”

I got A Ken Ham Race To Reality Board Game For Christmas

 Help Ken Ham Get Through The Jurassic Era To Reality

Help Ken Ham Get Through The Jurassic Era To Reality

Yesterday, Santa brought me the brand new, just released “Ken Ham Race To Reality Board Game.” It’s awesome. It comes with 4 Ken Ham figures, 6 T-Rex figures, a Jesus action figure, armed with an M-16, and a Mohammed action figure armed with a Koran and 2 commercial airline tickets. Here’s how you play the game. You lay out the Jurassic Era game board and place the Ken Ham figures in the “Creation Museum” section. Then you, and up to 3 other players, take turns rolling the enclosed dice. What ever number you roll is how many places forward you move your Ken Ham figure. The goal is to reach Richard Dawkins’ House on the other side of the board without landing on a T-Rex square and getting eaten, or landing on a Mohammed square and getting forced into an airplane during a Jihad attack before you get there.

Help Ken Ham Get To Reality And Keep Him Smiling

Keep Ken Smiling By Getting Him Safely Through The Game

If Mohammed does get you or you are eaten by a T-Rex, you have to draw Bible cards, included with the game, each time your turn comes up until you get one that says,”Jesus saves!” You then simply have Jesus sacrifice himself and take Ken’s place with Mohammed or inside the T-Rex’s stomach.

Get Jesus To Sacrifice Himself If Ken Gets Taken

Get Jesus To Sacrifice Himself And Take Ken’s Place

You can only do this twice during the game, however, before you’re considered an irredeemable Creationist and sent back to the museum permanently. Sounds like hours of fun, eh?  I’m going to play the game tonight with some of my a-theist, amoral, cannibal friends while we dine on Christian infants and drink the blood of Christian virgins.

Halloween Costumes Available At Our Online Store

The Arm Chair Pontificator online store is now offering some truly unique costumes just in time for Halloween. Check ’em out.

1.) The Tea Party Member: This little beauty consists of a three-piece suit, a loaded .45, a thumpin’ Bible, a Jesus Hates Obama, Fags, Jews, and Liberals picket sign, and a tax-exempt number you can use to buy whatever you want, tax-free, for a whole week, all for only $9.99. Act now and we’ll toss in two undocumented Hispanic domestic laborers for you to use, totally free, for as long as you wish. Note: you’ll have to feed them occasionally if you expect consistent, quality work from them.

The Tea Party Member

The Tea Party Member

2.) The Ken Ham: This baby will make you look, think, and sound just like Creation Museum founder, Ken Ham. Put it on, and the world suddenly becomes only 6000 years old; Evolution becomes a big, fat silly lie, and reasonable thinking becomes a completely antiquated mental process. All this can be yours for the biblically low price of just $7.98, plus tax. Order now, and receive an authentic picture of Jesus riding a T-Rex signed by none other than the son of God himself at no additional cost.

The Ken Ham

The Ken Ham

3.) The Wormhole: Put on the Wormhole costume; walk into a Halloween party; switch it on, and watch as your friends are sucked into a massive vortex that sends them…..??? Who the hell knows where it’ll send them! It’s a wormhole! You’ll be talked about at Halloween parties for decades to come when you wear The Wormhole costume at the big Halloween party you plan on attending this year. Inter-dimensional fun is yours for the modest price of just $8.66.

The Wormhole

The Wormhole

4.) The Non-Homophobic, Conservative Christian: Be the talk of all your bible-thumping, gay-hating pals when you slip into this one of a kind costume which allows you to be a gay tolerant Conservative Christian for as long as you wear it. We must warn you, however, that if you wear it for more than 48 hours straight, you very well may find yourself vocally supporting gay marriage rights, so beware. Show hate-filled Christians how to not hate people they don’t understand by purchasing The Non-Homophobic, Conservative Christian costume for the blessed price of just $10.99.

The Non-Homophobic Conservative Christian

The Non-Homophobic, Conservative Christian

That’s all folks. See you later!

Yoda & Ken Ham Discuss Marvel’s Guardians Of The Galaxy

The Creation Museum: Where Insanity Is A Religion

The Creation Museum: Where Insanity & Religion Are One

Yoda dropped by the Creation Museum the other day to discuss Marvel’s “Guardians of the Galaxy” with its owner, Ken Ham. Below is a word for word transcript of their conversation. Enjoy.

Ken: Welcome, Yoda. Glad you could come by. However, and I hate to be a party pooper, I must insist you come down off that T-Rex statue. It is a very expensive piece of Museum property, and I really do not want it contaminated by a non-believer like you touching it.

Yoda: Sorry I am. Down I will come. But non-believer, I am not. Powerful I am. For my ally is the Force. Surrounds us it does. Judge us, it does not. Guide you it will. If listen to it, you do.

Ken: BLASPHEMER! ATHEIST DOG! How dare you speak of any force but the Bible? How dare you speak of any power but that of our lord, Jesus Christ! How dare you say you come from a galaxy far, far away when no galaxies exist but this 6000 year old one. And lastly, how dare you stand there munching on a candy bar while I’m teaching you the only dogma of truth there is: mine!

Yoda Is An Atheist & A Demon

Ken Ham Says: Yoda Is An Atheist Dog

Yoda: Angry you are. Great hate I sense in you. Strong you will become in the Dark Side, if down this path you continue. But digress, I do. For a movie it is I’ve come to discuss. “Guardians of the Galaxy” it is, and fun it was to see. Away from reality it took me. Enjoyed it greatly, I did. See it, did you? Like it, did you?

Ken: See it, did I? What kind of atheistic, devil-spawned speech pattern of a spell are you trying to cast on me, my little green friend? A movie you want to discuss with me, eh? A movie about demons and stars and sexual deviancy, that’s what that movie is. It’s an evil film that mocks the one true lord, Jesus Christ, by failing to mention the glory of his ways even once. It is a movie that subliminally advocates homosexual marriage, abortion, and liberal, democratic view points. And these things I know about it from having just seen the previews. I refuse to see such a piece of filth in its entirety. You enjoyed it only because you are a hell-born demon and not a Christian genius of the modern world, like me. THAT is what I think of your movie, demon-spawn!

Yoda: Thumbs Up Ken Ham: Thumbs Down

Yoda: Thumbs Up
Ken Ham: Thumbs Down

Yoda: Crazy, you are. Grounded in reality, you are not. If the Dark Side I practiced, kill you I would. Lucky you are. For my way is the way of the Force. Calm it makes me. Open to reason, I am. This is the way of the Jedi. This is the way of the Force. So leave you, I will. Discuss with you movies, I will not. Sorry, I am, for wasting your time. Go now, I will. Peace I hope you find. May the Force be with you. (Yoda disappears into the Force)

Crazy, Ken Ham Is

Crazy, Ken Ham Is

Ken: DEMON!! Devil from Hell! Disappearing in front of me before accepting Jesus as your lord and savior and before donating money to my tax-exempt museum! Heathen! Monster! Little green dude! Goodbye! Do not return. I will not discuss any movie again with anyone unless they share my Creationist beliefs and the movie we discuss is “The Passion of the Christ”. Goodbye from the Creation Museum, and always remember, gays are evil, and Jesus loves everyone. Amen

I’m The Lindbergh Baby, Says Ken Ham

Lindbergh Baby, AKA Ken Ham

Lindbergh Baby, AKA Little Ken Ham

Ken Ham, curator of The Creation Museum in Kentucky and young Earth advocate, said today that he was, in fact, the Lindbergh baby all grown up. “I know what heathen skeptics and Satan-spawn atheists are going to say about this fact,” Mr. Ham said. “They’ll say I’m not old enough to be the Lindbergh baby, and that his remains were found decomposing in the woods near the Lindbergh home some eighty plus years ago. Well, to these savage, non-believing baboons, I say, fudge off. You are wrong. Anything can be true to those who have faith in its reality. Anything at all. So, not only is the universe only 6000 years old, I’m also the Lindbergh baby, all grown up and sporting an Abraham Lincolnesque beard. Those who have faith, the faith I tell them they should have, can see this undeniable truth quite clearly. Put that in your skeptic’s pipe and smoke it, you evil, skeptical, atheist heathens. And always remember, Jesus loves everyone, except gay men and you.”

Ken Ham AKA Lindbergh Baby Grown Up

Ken Ham, AKA Adult Lindbergh Baby

Americans Biggest Dumb Dumbs Ever Says British First Grader

In news today from across the pond, British first grader, Timmy T. Sipper, released the following statement with the aid of his teacher, Ivana Biskit. “I think that Americans are the biggest dumb, dumbs ever because they think learning is bad, so they don’t do it. They think the world is so young that we lived with dinosaurs together and that did not happen because I like dinosaurs and even I know people didn’t live with them. They were SOOO big, they would eat you if you saw one and there would not be any people left. It is stupid not to learn because that is why we have our brains to make us smarter.

Timmy T. Sipper With Message For Americans

Timmy T. Sipper With A Message For Americans

My teacher said Americans think all the stars up there too aren’t old and that they are little like me. That is stupider than when my friend Sally put the glue on her sandwich and ate it and threw up on Ms. Biskit’s desk and it smelled bad when Ms. Biskit put this green stuff on it that made us get sicker cause it was smellier than Sally’s throw-up. When I do things that are dumb, my Mum gets really mad and says, ‘Don’t be dumb and do dumb stuff. Be smart and do smart stuff and listen to Ms. Biskit causes she’s smart and went to school a long time to learn things to teach you.’ So Americans, you are dumb and need to listen and not be dumb cause it’s stupid to be dumb when there’s people who went to school a long time to help you not be dumb. Thank you and don’t be so dumb anymore, Timmy T. Sipper.”