Big Building City, New York. Santa Claus was arrested today on charges of public indecency and possession of marijuana outside Macy’s Dept Store in New York. “I’m deeply embarrassed by my behavior,” Santa said earlier. “I’ve been under tremendous stress because of the atheist war on Christmas which takes place at this time every year. Last year, Rudolph was shot through his back left hoof by an atheist drone while we were flying over Chicago delivering toys to Christian kids on Christmas Eve night. We’re both still suffering from PTSD because of it. I find that the only way I can deal with it is to strip down to my underwear, fire up a big ass pipe full of weed and dance in the streets while smoking it. I’m awfully sorry to all the Christian kids I’ve let down by my behavior. I just wish these damn atheists would stop trying to kill me every Christmas. It is, as this incident proves, causing me great emotional distress.”
Tag Archives: atheism
Advice From An Average Atheist
Now for our latest advice column, Advice From An Average Atheist
Dear Average Atheist, my name is Young Billy, The Teenage Christian Boy, and I want to know what your plans are for this year’s War On Christmas. Do I need to wear a bullet proof vest when going to midnight mass this year like I did last, and will atheists be sending armed drones to bomb the Vatican on Christmas morn like they did in 2012? Just wondering so I can be prepared. Yours in the Almighty Love Of Jesus Christ, Our Lord And Savior, Young Billy, The Teenage Christian Boy
Dear Young Billy, The Teenage Christian Boy, least you forget, this is WAR! Though I’m glad you asked your question, I can’t any more give you a direct answer to it than President Obama can tell you how and when the U.S. military will next attack ISIS. You do, however, seem to be like a nice bloke, so I’ll give you this little hint: Beware the trees on Christmas morning, Young Billy. Beware the trees. Hope this helps, and thanks for asking your question. Hope you have a safe, blessed, and very Merry Christmas this year. Yours In Insipid Evil, An Average Atheist
The Pilot
I am a man of
Faith
A man of
God
My head is held
High
When I walk
When I speak
And when I pray
God
Is with me
Always
I feel
His
Love
All around me
I see
His
Wondrous works
I hear
His
Lovely
Voice
He
Tells me of my
Special place in
His
Plan
I need know
Nothing else but
God
And what
He
Wants of me
Faith
Has set me
Free
Faith
Has lifted me
Here
Into the sky
Into this
Vessel
So that I can carry out
His
Plan
His
Desire
His
Will
His
Love
And my
Faith
In
Him
Have
Freed
Me from this
Earth
And
Made
Righteous
My actions as a
Pilot
The Nebulous
I
Fear
The Nebulous
I
I
I
Fear
It
I
Need to
Know
I
I
Need to
Be
Sure
You?
You are
Inside
My
Head
You?
You are
Unwise
You are
Unsure
I
I
I
Need
Certainty
You?
You are
Not
Me
You
Hate
Me
You?
You are
Lost
I
Am
Not
You are
Wrong
I
Am
Not
You?
You are
Damned
Cursed
Dead
I
I
I
Am
Alive
All
I
Am
Loved
I
Am
Right
You are
Wrong
I
Live
But
Not
If
You
Live
So
I
Hate
I
Kill
And
Only
I
Am
Loved
See?
I
Win
I
Always,
Always
Win
Fundamentalist Christian, Dick Biggens, On Why Atheists Suck
Fundamentalist Christian, Dick Biggens Says, Atheists Suck!
Jesus Hates Fags City, Mississippi. Hello everyone. My name is Dick Biggens. I’m a Fundamentalist Christian and a firm believer that, not only will atheists one day burn in Hell beneath the sandal-ed feet of Our All Loving Lord, Jesus Christ, they also suck. I have five specific points on why atheists suck, but before I list them, I will first define for you exactly what an atheist is. An atheist is any person who has not accepted Our All Loving Lord, Jesus Christ, as their true Lord and Savior. The only thing worse than an atheist in the eyes of Jesus are faggots. Faggots are so despicable in Jesus’ eyes that, even if they accept Him as their Lord and Savior, He will still hate them for being faggots and burn them in the fires of Hell for eternity after they die. And now, here is my list of ten reasons why atheists suck.
1.) Atheists suck because they are all faggots. As I stated above, Jesus, Our All Loving Savior, hates nothing more than faggots. Thus, since Jesus hates faggots AND atheists, all atheists are faggots. See? Simple.
2.) Atheists suck because they do not bow down and kiss the asses of Fundamentalist Christians the way Jesus demands they do. We like our asses kissed and hate those who refuse to kiss them. Nothing faggy about this, we just love the feel of warm lips on our Fundamentalist Christian asses, male and female.
3.) Atheists suck because they refuse to read the Bible correctly. The correct way to read the Bible is our way. Not reading the Bible our way is a sign that atheists are lazy, uneducated ninnies whose hearts are black and full of sticky, gooey, bile. Also, since atheists refuse to read the Bible our way, it proves they are not open to reason, and horrible at doing research into why our way of reading the Bible is the ONLY way to read the Bible. idjits. The whole sucky lot of ’em.
4.) Atheists suck because they lack any sense of morality. It is well-known within Fundamentalist Christian circles that all atheists are cannibals. In particular, they enjoy eating little babies that they’ve ripped from the wombs of good, Fundamentalist Christian women. Only people without morals would do this, and, as I stated earlier, atheists have no morals. A person with no morals is also a cannibal. Atheists have no morals. Therefor, all atheists are cannibals. Solid reasoning, is it not?
5.) Lastly, for today, I’ll leave you with this immaculate bit of Fundamentalist Christian reasoning. People who do not accept Our All Loving Lord, Jesus Christ, as their true Savior, suck. Atheists do not accept Our All Loving Lord, Jesus Christ, as their Savior. Therefor, all atheists suck.
Yours in Our All Loving Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, Dick Biggens.
On Grace And Forgiveness
The concept of Grace used to come up quite often during my 15 years of formal Catholic education, but I’ve retained little of what I learned about it back then. So I recently decided to re-enlighten myself on the subject by reading what the Catholic Church and one or two other Christian denominations had to say about it. In all honesty, if I hadn’t already been an a-theist, I’d have become one based solely upon what I read. Though there are subtle semantic differences to how, say, Lutherans and Catholics define “grace”, the basic premise, and one I find deeply insulting, is fundamentally the same. Because of Adam and Eve’s original disgusting sin, little ‘ol me and you were born into this world with our immortal souls awash in filth, evil, debauchery, and contempt for God, our Master. It is only by the “grace” of this same benevolent and all-loving Master that the rancid stench of insipid evil can be bleached from our souls and save us from an eternity of burning agony in Hell.
Our Master sending his beloved son, Jesus, to be brutally tortured and crucified on our behaves is the only “grace” needed to save us, according to some Christian doctrines. Others claim we must more actively earn the Master’s “grace” through obtaining sacraments and verbally abusing gays, Jews, and Democrats. Even others say we have the Master’s “grace” and are saved, or we don’t, and will burn. Period. We won’t know which, until we die and awake either burning in Hell or having amazing oral sex performed on us by the person or persons we most want performing oral sex on us in Heaven.
I find such beliefs to be immoral, repugnant, anti-human, and personally offensive. I am not evil and I do not require a made up creature to give me “grace” for anything. Such thinking, in my completely honest opinion, is at the core of man’s inhumanity toward man. This includes all forms of child abuse, rape, war, torture, and poverty. Human beings are not born stained. It is doctrines like those describing “grace” that stain the collective human consciousness with a guilt it neither deserves, nor needs. We are all there is of us. No god or grace from a god is needed to save anyone. We are important to ourselves because we are here. And if tomorrow we are not here, there will be no one to notice, much less care. We truly are THAT unimportant to the universe.
Creationists More Full Of Bullshit Than Real Bulls, Says Bullshit Expert
Bigotland, Indiana. Bullshit expert and head of The University of Chicago’s, That’s A Fuckin’ Lie And You Know It department, Professor Vivian V. Agina, said today that Creationists are literally more full of bullshit than real bulls.
Jesus The Creationist
“My department conducted a two-year research project to determine if the shit Creationists espouse could in any way be measured against the shit in the intestines of real bulls,” Professor V. Agina said. “And sure enough, we determined it could be. We had individual Creationists stand on a platform next to which a constipated, real bull also stood. The bulls were secured behind a steel gate keeping the Creationists safe from any physical harm. The bulls, however, could still hear clearly everything spoken around them. We then asked the Creationists to describe for us their literal reading of Genesis as well as several other readings from the Bible which they took to be literally true. In test after test, each time the Creationists began their diatribe on the literal accuracy of the Bible, the bulls began to violently charge at the gate keeping them from the Creationists. In addition to this, each and every bull violently released the contents of its constipated intestines just as each Creationist began to explain that Noah’s Ark was not a story, but literally true. Needless to say, the bullshit from the real bulls ran out LONG before the bullshit coming from the mouths of the Creationists.
Creationists Are Great Bull Enemas
Thus, we have determined with absolute scientific accuracy, that not only do they make excellent bull enemas, Creationists are far more full of bullshit than real bulls, even severely constipated ones.”
The Arm Chair Pontificator 