Portland, Oregon. A man today, Harry P. Nus, woke up thinking today was Friday and became deeply disappointed when he discovered it was, in fact, Saturday. “This really sucks,” Mr. Nus said earlier. “I could’ve sworn it was Friday when I awoke this morning. I didn’t realize it was Saturday until I opened the paper and saw it was Saturday. Apparently, yesterday was Friday, my favorite day of the week, but I was so convinced yesterday was Thursday that I completely missed out on the whole Friday experience. To say my disappointment in this is all-encompassing would be an understatement. I’m thinking of buying some of those underwear with the days of the week on them so this type of thing doesn’t happen again. Well, I’m off to bed now, because tomorrow is Monday, and I gotta go to work.”
Miami, Florida. A locale man who purchased a wolverine from an online pet store had his face torn off by it when it arrived at his home last night. “Yeah, in retrospect, this was perhaps not a great idea,” said Herbert Dumfuchr, the man in question, “but I’ve wanted to have a pet wolverine ever since I was a kid. They’re SOOOO cute!
After a great deal of research, I found an exotic online pet store that sold them, bought one, and had it shipped to my house. I know wolverines have a reputation for being wild and very aggressive, but, hey, I’m a real sweetheart of a guy, and I figured the wolverine would sense this and give me kisses as soon as it saw me. Needless to say, that didn’t happen. The little bugger jumped onto my head the moment I took it out of its crate, tore my face off, then scurried away. Live and learn, eh? Live and learn. Oh, if you’re in the Miami area and see a wolverine running around with a human face in its mouth, please call me at 1-555-555-4534. There may still be time to have it reattached to my skull. Thanks, and God bless.”
1.) Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Republicans don’t do menial labor. They hire undocumented workers to do it for five cents an hour.
2.) Q: What’s the hardest thing most Republicans will ever have to do?
A: Wait til their 18th birthday to gain access to their trust fund.
3.) Q: How do Republicans acquire land?
A: They wait for their relatives to die.
4.) Q: What’s the name of the first bank Republicans borrow money from without having to pay it back?
A: Mommy and Daddy’s Loans Unlimited
5.) Q: Besides a cornea operation without anesthesia, name three things Republicans hate most.
A: The poor, the disabled, and the social programs that help keep them alive.
Newark, New Jersey. A locale fly today filed suit against a spider for placing its web too close to the school the fly’s children attend. “This is an outrage,” the fly said earlier. “It’s bad enough a spider has decided to move into our neighborhood, thus driving down property values, but the fact that it has made its web near the school our children attend is criminal, immoral, and just plain mean. I’m filing this suit in an attempt to get the spider to keep its web at least a 100 yards away from the school. I worry enough about my kids every day without having to worry about them being eaten by a spider while on their way to school. Hopefully the judge in this case will have a heart and rule in my favor. My kids’ lives, and the property value of my house, depend on it.”
Columbus, Ohio. 39 year-old Columbus native, Bill Meelater, learned this morning that he has the emotional maturity of a 6 year-old. “My girlfriend told me this morning, when she found me putting matches by my anus as I farted, that she was leaving me because I had the emotional maturity of a 6 year-old,” Mr. Meelater said earlier. “My immediate response was to shout loudly at her, ‘I know you are, but what am I?!’ I quickly realized my response really made no sense so I stuck my tongue out at her and called her a dooty-face. She huffed, told me to never call her again, and then stormed out of the apartment, slamming the door shut as she did. After she left, I cried a little because I realized she was right. I do have the emotional maturity of a 6 year-old. It may not be a good thing, but it sure as hell is a lot better than being a dooty-face, I’ll tell ya’ that. So up her nose with a rubber hose.”
Coming this July from TACP Productions, Ken Ham: The Motion Picture, starring Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson as Ken Ham and Bryan Cranston as his nemesis, The Evil Atheist Infidel.
After seeing this movie, you will believe a grown man can be dumber than a doorknob and more cantankerous than an enraged baboon. Follow the adventures of a muscle-bound creationist, Ken Ham, as he trumps across America attempting to cram his own personal take on Christianity up the anus of his arch-enemy, The Evil Atheist Infidel. If you enjoy watching angry Christians with a distorted sense of reality crying about the injustices they endure because America is not a theocratic nation under their rule, then this is the movie for you. See Ken Ham: The Motion Picture. Jesus will love you for it.
Edmonton, Alberta. A man was arrested yesterday in a local McDonald’s for having a secret agenda. “I just felt there was something suspicious about the way he was looking at me while ordering his food,” said McDonald’s employee, Benny Wannafuker.
“So, after I served him his food, I called the police, and they immediately arrested him. The dude was using his secret agenda to intimidate everyone in the restaurant, and I simply was not gonna have it. People with secret agendas can’t be trusted. Why? Well, because if their agendas weren’t dangerous they wouldn’t have to be kept secret.” The Edmonton police department refused to comment on this incident when asked because they said it was classified top-secret.