Identity Politics And The White Christian

WAAAAAA!!! WAAAAA!!!! We white Christian people are discriminated against! WAAAAAA!!! We don’t like it!!!! WAAAAAA!!! Gays can hold hands in public and get married!!! WAAAAA!!!! Mexicans live next door to us!!! WAAAAAA!!!! We don’t like it!!!! What about OUR rights? WAAAAA!!!

The loudest, most annoying example of “identity politics” in today’s America, to me, is perpetrated by white Christians screaming about their “rights”. “Oh, we are SO mistreated! We have to live a world where gays can openly get married and, now get this, HOLD HANDS IN PUBLIC RIGHT IN FRONT OF OUR WHITE KIDS!  What kind of world is this?  Christ, Mexicans are coming across the border in caravans and raping us and eating our babies by the MILLIONS!  What kind of world is this?!  We are abused, mistreated, maligned, and SO disadvantaged politically that, hell, for EIGHT YEARS, we had to endure, AND LOOK AT, a BLACK President!!!!  What kind of world is this?!  NEVER in the history of life on Earth has any group of people been more stepped on than white Christians are in today’s America.  WE deserve this country to be run the way WE want it to be.

America was founded by, and for, white Christians on, or about, 1950 by Jesus Christ, a FINE example of a white man if EVER there was one, I must say, and six, non-Jewish, white guys, over sixty years of age, who were rich as f**k.  There were NO people living in America until white people came here, killed off the dinosaurs that roamed the land, and built tax exempt Christian churches every 2 blocks all across the country.  Since all of this is undeniably true, why, oh, why do we poor, maligned Christian whites have to listen to, look at, and tolerate ANYONE who is not just like us?!  WHY????  We may seem, on the surface, like little whining, spineless snowflakes when we cry, bitch, and moan about how deeply our tender feelings are hurt because gays exist and Mexicans live across the street from us, but Jesus demands we do these things in his name.  It’s the way he wants things to be.  He’s right there with us, edging us on to fight for our right to be white, right, and Christian, helping us make our politics and our points of view the ONLY ones that should be heard and tolerated in America.

Oh, how we SUFFER!  Oh, how we hurt!  Oh, when, oh, when will we EVER get OUR chance to rule and lead in this country the way that hand-holding gays and Mexicans have for centuries?!  Until such a time comes, we will continue to whine, cry, bitch, moan, and be the biggest snowflakes we can be in order to defend our identity as whining, snowflake, white Christians who, like toddlers demanding every meal be made of candy, want everything around us to go our way and ONLY our way simply because that’s how WE want it to be.  May the blue-eyed whiteness of the all-tolerant, all-loving, Jesus Christ bless us all and help us make America become all white, all Christian and as free of gays and Mexicans as is humanly possible.  Amen.”

*My thanks to Scottie for inspiring this post.

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Happy Easter From Ms. April Fools

Ms. April Fools says, “Oh, shit! I just realized, after 27 years of religious indoctrination, that people don’t come back from the dead, and there’s a decent probability this ‘Jesus’ character never even lived at all!  Welp, at least now I can get on with my life one day at a time and try to do the best the I can for the here and now and the future without having to worry about burning forever in Hell cause I ain’t kissin’ God’s arse in the right way!  And if THAT ain’t a reason to say, ‘Happy Easter’, I don’t know what is!

A Prayer To The American God

Dear God, my love for thee is greater than all the oceans of the Earth combined and wider than the circumference of the known universe.   To you, my Lord, I devote all that is my being.  The honor I feel when I hold thy firm, cold metal in my hand often overcomes me and causes my eyes to well with tears.  Thou, my Lord, hast given me protection against all of mine enemies: high school kids, grade school kids, church goers, country music fans, and those dancing in gay nightclubs.   It is because of thee, oh most Exulted One, that I am able to unleash my wrath onto a world that does not appreciate thy glory and the greatness you possess.

The Almighty God Surrounded By Holy Water

With your guidance, my King of Kings, I will continue my work to end the plague of the liberal and the anti-gun lobbyist.  I will not end my war until their oppression against thee has been vanquished and every high school student who hast offended they Greatness lies dead and bloodied upon thine altar of gun powder.   I go now, my Liege, to fulfill this Holy War upon the infidels who seek to suppress and deny thee thy rightful place upon the throne of the greatest country to ever allow the slaughter of its most innocent citizens.   With thy aid, I hope to have this goal achieved by Christmas 2019, and, barring any unforeseen interference by the FBI, I will.  Amen

Upcoming Movies About Donald Trump

The following Arm Chair Pontificator produced movies about Donald Trump will be released this year.   I produced them because I feel Donald Trump is a spiffy keen fella who simply doesn’t get enough press.

1.)  Since It Was There, I Had The Right To Grab It.    This film is directed by Francis Ford Coppola and stars Ed Asner as Donald Trump.   It consists of a series of vignettes showing Trump grabbing various women by their genitals and shouting, “I’m famous, so I get to do this!”  When the women complain about this, we cut to closeups of Republican congress members covering their eyes, putting their fingers in their ears, and/or simply shrugging their shoulders and walking away.   The film ends with Trump firing Robert Mueller and Republicans having a kegger party on the White House lawn to celebrate.   It will be released this March and will be rated “G” so it can be enjoyed by the whole family.

Ed Asner as Donald Trump

 

2.)   Republicans, Pedophiles, And Christianity.   This film is directed by Roman Polanski and stars Harvey Weinstein as Trump, Elmer Fudd as Mitch McConnell and Bruce Willis as Roy Moore.   It’s a road picture with our three leads traveling across the country handing out bibles, hitting on underage girls, and spreading the word of Christ to everyone they meet.  Along the way they kick the asses of snowflake liberals and social justice warriors who believe sexual predators and pedophiles should not be running the country.   This film is a laugh a minute, and if you don’t think pedophiles and right-wing, theocratic Christians can peacefully co-exist, you will after you see this.  It’s rated “R” because of the intense sexual nature of some of the scenes and will be released just in time for Memorial Day.   Don’t miss it!

“It wuz da Demmocwats who did it,” says Elmer Fudd as Mitch McConnell

 

3.)  Rich Daddy,  Spoiled Donny.   This little gem is directed by Stephen Spielberg and stars Bela Lugosi’s corpse as Donald Trump’s father, Frederick, and comedian Carrot Top as the young Donald.    The film consists of dozens of scenes of Donald asking his father to: 1.) Get him out of the draft for Vietnam (5 times).  2.) Help him pay off millions of dollars of debt for making idiotic business decisions (17 or 18 times).   3.) Pay for prostitutes to pee on him and/or spank him with rolled up copies of Forbes magazine (too many times to count).   4.)  Give him multiple buildings in Manhattan worth tens of millions of dollars apiece without having to lift a finger to earn them.   5.) Make the many lawsuits against him for not paying his employees simply “go away” without any questions asked.   Watch Donald throw hissy-fits every time his father tries to deny him a request.  Watch as Donald pouts, cries, shouts,  and breaks things until his father caves in to his every demand.  This is a harrowing tale of how a very, very rich man turned his son into a spoiled rotten, impish man-child by giving in to his every demand no matter how extreme or obscene.   Keep the kiddies at home for this one folks.  Only the most mature audience members will be able to witness the creation of the infantile brat who now leads America without coming away with a severe case of clinical depression.   The film is rated NC17 for this reason and will be released at the end of August.

Carrot Top as the young Donald Trump

 

 

Famous Non-Racists From History

As President Donald Trump has repeatedly stated, he is the MOST non-racist person any one could ever meet.   Who are we to doubt ’em, eh?   What many people don’t know, however, is that many other non-racist people have held powerful positions throughout history.  Here are but a few.

1.)

The great Julius Caesar said this as he first entered Gaul: “I’m not a racist! I’m not killing and enslaving millions of you Gauls because of your race.  I merely want your country, and you are resisting me.  But truly, I’m NOT doing this because of your race.  Again, I’m NOT a racist. I’m more non-racist than any other conquer you’ll ever meet.  Really, I am.  Really.”

 

2.)

Charlemagne was known to say this of the pagans he was converting to Christianity: “Stories about my racism are greatly exaggerated.  Yes, I’m traveling into non-Christian areas and killing pagans who will not convert.  BUT, I’m NOT killing them based on their race.  They only die if they won’t convert, and this is a good thing.  Non-Christians are the bane of existence and viewed by the All Loving Jesus as horrid wretches who deserve painful deaths and an eternity of suffering in Hell.  So, as you can see, I’m very, very non-racist. OK?”

 

3.)

Martin Luther very simply once said of Jews, “I don’t hate Jews because I’m a racist.  I hate them because they’re nasty, evil, conniving little shits who don’t believe in Jesus.  I rest my case.”

 

4.)

And finally, the biggest non-racist in history, next to Donald Trump that is,  Adolph Hitler had this to say on racism: “Never in the history of humanity has there been a more non-racist person than me.  I love ALL people.  Do I love Jews?  Of course not.  Why?  Because they’re not people.  They’re animals.  Thus, in light of this fact,  I’m not racist and have never hurt another human being in any way, ever. Really, I haven’t.  I mean that.  You believe me, right?”

 

 

Welcome To Alabama: The Pedophile State

Alabama: The Pedophile State

Montgomery, Alabama.     Men, would you like to press your naked, aroused flesh against the body of a 13 or 14 year child but fear the legal repercussions of doing so?   Well, then, relocate your fine self to Alabama where such things are not only allowed, they’re encouraged.    Here in Alabama, we raise our children to do two things:  Love their Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, with all their heart, and submit to the sexual advances of any adult male who wants them without question.   Back in Moses’ day, gals as young as 9 or 10 were married off to men in their 60’s all the time.  And why not?  Did God not make the woman to please the man?  Did Jesus Christ not say, “Love your children as you would your sheep?”  I most certainly don’t think Jesus meant for men to make wool out of their children.  That’s just nutty.  So, besides making wool, what else are sheep used for if not to gratify the sexual needs of the shepherd?   Doesn’t it make far more sense for sexually frustrated adult men to satisfy their needs by having sex with children rather than by fornicating with sheep?  Of course it does!   Ain’t no sheep gonna tell ya’ how much it loves you while your making love with it the way a child can.  I can tell ya’ that!  So, if you’re a man who would like the freedom to stalk children for your prurient needs, then come to Alabama.  You’ll love it here.  Hell, you’ll love it SO much you may decide to run for the Senate and represent our state on the Hill one day.

I Offered To Make A Plea Agreement With Mueller

“Who The F**k Is The Arm Chair Pontificator,” Says Mueller.

I called Robert Mueller’s office this morning to make a plea agreement with him on the Trump/Russia case.   The woman who answered the phone refused to let me talk to Mr. Mueller because I’m not in any way connected to Trump or anyone else involved in the case.    After I swore at her and insulted her lineage, she hung up on me.  I called back and told her if she continued to refuse to let me speak to Mueller I’d prank call her and all of her family every day for the next ten years.  She hung up on me again and now, wait til you hear this, a cop just came to my door with a restraining order ordering me to never call Mueller’s office or this woman again.   Unreal!  The persecution I face every day for being a self-awarded Nobel Prize winner is sickening.   I’m not going to let this rest.  Believe you me, I’ll have my vengeance on Mueller for ignoring me and this woman for hanging up on me if it’s the last thing I ever do!   I’m not sure yet how to go about it without getting arrested, but as soon as I figure something out, I’ll let everyone know.   Until then, remember, it’s now summertime in Australia, so not all is bad.