10 Reasons Why Americans Are Superior To The British

10.)  British people speak English, but they sound really, really weird doing it.  Americans speak it as it should be spoken: correctly.

9.)  British people foolishly call flashlights “torches”.  This is not only incorrect, it’s dangerous.  Who the hell keeps a lit torch burning in a drawer just in case of a power outage?  Idiots with funny accents, that’s who.

8.)  British people drive on the wrong side of the road.  Again, this is as stupid as it is dangerous.  If the Brits can’t learn to drive on the correct side of the road, they shouldn’t be driving at all.

7.)  The British are constantly sticking their noses into the business of other countries, often telling them what to do and how to do it.  America would never do that.  Not only is it wrong, it’s flat-out not nice.   America is always nice.

6.)  Brits call soccer “football”.  Are you kidding me?  This is insane!  Soccer is NOT football.  If the British can’t learn to call sports by their correct name, they shouldn’t be allowed to play them.  Americans would NEVER confuse soccer with football.  Crazy!

5.)  In Briton, they practice an untrue form of Christianity.  This is insulting to Jesus, and the millions of true Christians who make up the backbone of American society.   If the Brits don’t want to burn forever in hell, they’d better learn to be real Christians and give up that nonsense they practice.   Jesus is watching you, people.

4.)  England is an island.  America is a COUNTRY!  Deal with it you British fools!

3.)  British citizens do not have the constitutionally guaranteed right to own and carry firearms.  Americans do.  This is why America is a ludicrously safe place to live.   Some fool tries to rob an American with a gun and BANG! we shoot the bastard dead.  Brits can’t do that.  That’s why so many of them are killed daily by bad hombres with guns.

2.)  The Brits call french fries “chips”.  Seriously?  Are you f$$kin’ kidding me?  A french fry is NOT a f$$ckin’ “chip”.  Jesus!  Once again, if Brits can’t learn the difference between a fry and a chip, they should not be allowed to have either.   Just stick with salads.  Hard to call those by the wrong name.

1.)  Briton lost the Revolutionary War.  We won it.  Thus, America is superior to Briton.  This is an inerrant, inarguable fact. Deal with it.

Advertisements

Arm Chair Pontificator Wins Yet Another Nobel Prize

Self-Awarded To The Arm Chair Pontificator For His Brilliance In All He Does

Chicago, Illinois.   The world-famous blog, The Arm Chair Pontificator, was awarded its second Nobel Prize in four years by its creator and writer, Inspiredbythedivine1, earlier today.   “I deserve this award,” Mr. Inspired said to himself this morning, “because everything I think or write about is always completely and inerrantly correct.  How many other bloggers can make this claim?  None, I tell you, none!  Thus, I’ve awarded myself another Nobel Prize.  I’ve emailed the Nobel Committee of this occurrence and expect them to send me my award any moment now.  If they refuse to do this, like they refused to send me the last award I gave myself several years ago, I will prank call their children, their parents, and their pets until I bend them to my will with the pure intimidation of it all.   I want to thank all of the 6 billion readers of my blog for supporting me, and it, over these past few years.  It is not easy making up silly shit off the top of my head 3 or 4 times a month, but knowing you’re out there, reading what I write and having it enrich your lives far more than anything else you may have in them, makes it all worthwhile.   Thanks again to all of my fans, and remember, a note or a call to a Nobel Prize Committee member threatening to flay them alive if they refuse to recognize me for this award, would be greatly appreciated.”

It’s Time To Ban White Men From ‘Merica

White Males Like This One Are The Scourge Of ‘Merica

After the shooting by a white male in Las Vegas yesterday which left 50 people dead and another 200 injured, I can only say this: white men need to be banned from ‘Merica.  Permanently.  We need to begin with the immediate deportation of all white males as soon as possible.  They clearly are the scourge of the earth and have no place in a country built on Jesus Christ, love, freedom, and guns like ‘Merica is.   Also, we need to place a travel ban on all the “white” countries of the world, Sweden, Switzerland, and Norway come immediately to mind.   As well, walls need to be built around all white neighborhoods in ‘Merica to keep those white males we can’t deport quickly enough from invading decent, law-abiding neighborhoods and killing everyone in them.  White men are evil.  Pure and simple, and this latest act by a depraved white male in Las Vegas proves it.  Case closed.  The right type of ban is the white type of ban.  $Amen$

Divine Righteousness

I’ve been taught since birth that

I am

Special

God

Loves me

He will protect me

And

His

Will is

Righteous

My entire life has been

Based on

This belief

Thus

When my country calls on me to

Kill

Its enemies in

God’s name,

How can I not agree to

Do so?

I’ve been a soldier now for

Five years

Today is the first day that

I’ve had my enemy’s throat beneath my

Blade

He’s

Afraid

I can see the

Terror in his eyes,

But God calls on me to

Kill him.

So I

Slice his throat

Open

His warm blood spills over my hand

And I know,

That even though my stomach wretches at what I’ve done,

Allah loves me because I’ve

Killed an

Infidel

Christian in

His

Name

And

My

Path

To

Paradise

Has

Been

Assured

Allahu Akbar

Trump Declares Hitler Had A Point Too

His Side Had A Valid Point, Too, Says Donald Trump

Nazi Land, USA.   Donald Trump today said that Adolf Hitler had a perfectly valid point in his desire to kill every living Jew and become ruler of the Western world.  “All sides that were involved in WW2 did awful things,” Trump said earlier.  “The Allies bombed the f**k out of Berlin for years.  Was that nice?  Should Hitler have simply accepted what was happening, or should he have fought back?  For Christ’s sake, the Allies INVADED Hitler’s country in order to bomb it!  How is that OK?   It isn’t.  All sides involved in WW2 are equally responsible for the horrors of that war.  It saddens me that more God-fearing Americans do not see this.  Well, at least my sycophants in the Republican Party do.   I thank Jesus for them every day.  They put me where I am, and, for the most part, they love and support me and all I do.   God bless ’em.  And God bless the poor, and sadly misunderstood, white supremacists who are my staunchest supporters.  With their strength, and God’s love, I can’t help but make America great again.  Seig Heil, and Amen!”

Stephen Miller To Publish Cookbook

Stephen Miller: Cookbook Author

Cannibal City, Iowa.   Donald Trump’s senior policy advisor, Stephen Miller, announced today he will soon be publishing a cookbook entitled, The Only Good Immigrant Is A Cooked Immigrant.   “Many people have falsely assumed I’m not very fond of immigrants,” Miller said earlier.  “This is simply not true.  I LOVE immigrants, if they’re cooked correctly.  See, ever since I was a small boy, skinning cats alive in my parent’s basement, I’ve dreamed of welcoming people from foreign lands into my home and cooking them.   In this context, immigrants are only an issue when too many arrive at once and there are not enough kitchens and/or cooks to accommodate them.   In order to correct this problem, I’ve decided to publish an immigrant cookbook to encourage more Americans to do as I do: cook and eat immigrants.

Got a problem with too many Polish immigrants moving into your building?   Then buy my cookbook and learn how to make REAL Polish sausage by killing, pulverizing, and cooking a few of them to thin out their numbers.   Too many Italian immigrants moving into your city?  Then buy my cookbook and learn how to turn them into meat lasagna in just 4 easy steps.   Like my pappy always used to say to me, ‘Stephen, there ain’t no immigrant you’ll dislike if you cook ’em right.’

My book will be out in early November, just in time for Christmas.  You can pre-order one right now on my website, stephenmillerisntcrazy.com, for just $68.94.  I’ll toss in a free “Sociopaths Are Fake News” t-shirt with the first 1000 orders, so act fast if you want one.    Happy eatin’ America.  I’ll see you in the kitchen.”