1.) F$$k, this hurts!
2.) There are f$$kin’ ants on my toes. ANTS! Someone PLEASE brush them off before I lose my mind.
3.) My father is a mother f$$ker!
4.) When I come back in three days I’m gonna turn all these f$$k heads throwing sh$t at me into toads.
5.) The nail in my right wrist is kinda loose. Someone may want to re-nail it before my arm slips free.
6.) So, you all think you have a cross to bare that’s just like mine? F$$k you! Hang on one of them like I am, then tell me that sh$t again!
7.) What f$$kin’ idiots in America voted for Trump? You all just f$$ked yourselves.
8.) Damn, I could really use a beer about now.
9.) Thing is, I already know the Roman Empire is f$$ked, being omnipotent and all. So, in that sense, I’m one up on the Roman bastards who nailed my a$$ to this cross. I’ll still be around in 2000 years, and they won’t. Ha, ha, ha, ha!
10.) Patricide. It ain’t so bad when you look at what my pops did to me.
Hi peeps. Aquaman here. I’ve come by to wish everyone a happy Valentine’s Day from under the deep, blue sea. I know what you’re all thinking, “Aquaman, what the f##k’s up with that long-ass beard and those shades?” Well, let me tell you. I grew this beard in order to attract these tiny crab-like crustaceans that my girlfriend, Mera, loves to eat. I give them to her as a Valentine’s Day gift practically every year. Here’s how it works. I simply lay back on the ocean floor and thousands of the little buggers crawl up into my beard. Then, because they often spit venom in your face when disturbed, I put on these sexy-ass shades to protect my eyes, stand up, and comb my beard out over a huge, empty snail-shell. Once the shell is filled with the critters, I smash the f##k out of them with my powerful trident, spread them onto some sandwich bread, and bring them to my love, Mera, to eat. She absolutely loves ’em! Well, I’m off to catch me some crustaceans. Have a great V-Day, y’all.
Let Me Feel Your Womb, Honey. It’s My Job.
Man Town, Ohio. President Trump today signed a Presidential order placing Vice President Mike Pence in charge of the reproductive organs of every woman in America. “Mikey’s a fuckin’ stud,” Trump said earlier. “He knows his pussies from his boobies, and his hands are always warm and ready for action. As well, he’s a loving Christian who understands the nature of female reproduction far more than any gynecologist ever could. What better doctor for women could there be than a decrepit, white, Christian male who takes The Book Of Genesis literally? I say none. Therefor, from this day forward, if Mike Pence says women who’ve had abortions are the spawn of Satan and must die, they will die (Probably by being burned alive. I’ve not yet made up my mind on it). Also, any woman who does not send a picture of her vagina and uterus to Vice President Pence immediately for a close examination will be summarily put to death by stoning (I like stoning. It’s both torture AND an execution method). America can never be great again as long as women have control of their own sex organs. So say I, President Donald J. Trump, Putin’s Orange Puppet.”
The following MRI of the inside of Trump’s skull is 100% real and comes to us via secret spies working inside the Trump Administration. Enjoy.
I’m the best! Grab that pussy! Close those borders! Biggest crowd ever! Obama sucks! It’s fake news not to love me! Putin’s my master! I like pee! I hate EVERYTHING about America! Poor people are lazy! Rich people are great! I’m great! You’re not! Fuck you! I’m bigly, no one else is! Fuck you! (Repeat)
Oh, my love!
How my heart does
Whenever I smell the
Yours is the
Biglyest, kindlyest, huuggeesst
That ever has lived ever
You have my undying
Thank you my
For making me into the
I’ve now become
Body, mind, and soul
Today, tomorrow, and
People, I gotta tell ya’, I just ate the BIGGEST banana ever! I found it in the jungle where I live. It was on the HUUGGEST banana tree EVER! This whole jungle is HUUUGGGEE!!! I mean, it’s the BESTLYEST jungle ever. Period. No jungle anywhere has EVER been THIS bigly. Oh, I’m KING in this jungle, too. The biglyest, greatestist KING there ever was ever! The HUUUGGEESST crowd of jungle residents EVER came to witness my coronation the other day. They love me. All of them. Every single solitary animal in this jungle LOVES me! Get it? You’d better, or I’ll refuse to EVER speak to any of you again. Now, it’s time for you all to leave so I can use my “like a smart monkey” brain to plan the utter, greatestist, biglyest destruction of my enemies that EVER has been seen by anyone, ever, anywhere.
“Repeal Obama Care, Gas And Cremate The Poor, The Disabled, And Injured War Veterans; Then Carry On Giving Welfare To The Richest People In America,” Says Speaker Of The House, Paul Ryan
Fuck The Poor City, New Jersey. Speaker of the House, Republican Paul Ryan, stated today that, as Republicans destroy Obama Care, it’s far cheaper to simply send the poor, the disabled, injured war veterans, and the elderly into gas chambers and kill them than it is to give them health insurance. “Look,” said Paul Ryan earlier, “who the fuck gives a shit about disabled people, poor folk, war vets, and the elderly? I sure as fuck don’t. So why, in the name of welfare for the wealthy, should we give these useless pieces of shit health insurance? Fuck that. The wealthiest of Americans need tax breaks and handouts from the Government in order to ensure their sense of superiority over war vets, elderly folk, the disabled, and the poor. This is America, a land founded by the rich, for the rich, in 1952. Fuck you if you think otherwise. Christ, we Republicans are so good at mind-fucking the average American, we actually get most of them to vote for us every time there’s an election thinking we’re actually gonna help ’em. Ha, ha, ha! Idiots. God bless America, and God bless the richest of Americans. The poorest and the most disabled of Americans are doomed for gas chambers and cremation. That’s how Jesus wants it, and God dammit, that’s how Republicans want it. $Amen$”