This had me laughing so hard I peed a little. Spot on satire. NOW That’s What I Call Racist
QAnon Village, Ohio. Donald Trump, Paul Ryan, and Mitch McConnell announced today they are forming a new boy band called The Treasonous Three. “Let me tell you something,” President Trump said earlier, “Mitch, Paul, and I can harmonize like angels singing to Jesus when we belt out tunes. We noticed how wonderful we sound together at Vladimir Putin’s birthday party a few months back while we were sing, For He’s A Jolly Good Comrade to him. We sounded so dulcet and sweet we literally brought tears to Vlad’s eyes. Right then and there, President Putin decided we should form a boy band called The Treasonous Three, and he committed to being our manager. He’s already been managing our political policies for years, so, we thought, why the hell not this, too. We will be touring Russia and Ukraine in September, and then we’ll come home to tour America just in time for the November midterms, elections that President Putin has ensured us will most definitely go our way. So, be sure to watch for the time and date we’ll be in your home town, so you can enjoy the lovely harmonies of The Treasonous Three up close and personal. You most certainly don’t want to miss it while a treasonous trio is singing right in your own city. See you soon. And, until then, remember, if it sounds and looks just like something you really, really want to be true, it is.”
Here are ten golden rules to live by. These are serious rules. They’re not funny or satirical in any way. They are NOT an example of Poe’s Law. They MIGHT be sponsored and practiced by the Illuminati, the Deep State, and QAnon. If you don’t believe all I’ve written here, you’re wrong and need to slam your head into a wall until you WAKE UP AND LEARN TO DEAL WITH REALITY!!!!! OK, here are the rules.
1.) Whatever you think to be true, is.
2.) If anyone questions your beliefs, they’re wrong.
3.) If you agree with someone famous, that person is right and can not be wrong.
4.) Proof of an invisible supernatural world rests in the fact that science doesn’t have EVERY answer to EVERY question and never did.
5.) Your world view is the RIGHT world view. Thus, those not holding said view are fair game to be called names and mocked.
6.) The deeper your belief in something, the more truthful it is.
7.) People who behave differently than what you deem to be normal are weird.
8.) If someone doesn’t meet your standard of what is beautiful, they’re not.
9.) Your opinion is equal to, or more important than, any other opinion –no matter what the opinion is, who states it or what it’s about.
10.) Politics based on identity are annoying, disgusting, and a HUGE sign of hyper-sensitivity and weakness–unless they’re about you and who YOU are as a person.
Gaslight City, Iowa. President Trump today farted in an elevator full of people in Trump Tower in New York and quickly blamed it on Obama even though Obama was not in the elevator. “Yes, I know the fart smell in this elevator is awful,” Trump reportedly said to the people on the elevator, “but I’m NOT the one who blew the fart. No, it was Obama who did it. Yes, I know he isn’t here right now, but at some point in the past he was most likely on this very elevator, you can’t prove he wasn’t, and farted so powerfully that the stench from it is STILL in here. I’ve been cleaning up the stench of Obama’s failures for a year and a half now, and I must now get someone to clean his fart stink from this elevator before it causes the stock market to crash or something worse.”
When it was pointed out to President Trump that people on the elevator actually heard the fart sound come from his buttocks, he declared, “No fart sound! No collusion! No fart smell! No collusion! This is clearly a witch hunt to try to blame ME for a fart sound I did not make! This must stop in order for our country to function again. I’ve no further comment except to say, no fart sound! No collusion! None whatsoever! This interview is OVER!”
This Trump quiz was written by, and co-sponsored by, Russian President Vladimir Putin and former New York Mayor, Rudy Giuliani. Take it to see just how big of a Trump supporter you truly are.
1.) Climate change is: A.) Bullshit B.) A liberal sob story with no basis in reality C.) An attempt by Hillary Clinton to rule the world D.) The true last name of Barrack Obama E.) All of the above
2.) Evolution is: A.) A Type of New York style pizza B.) An atheist attack on Christmas C.) Something you don’t truly understand but criticize anyway because it’s easier to do that than to actually find out more about it D.) Whatever Donald Trump tells you it is E.) All of the above
3.) The most unfairly treated person in world history is: A.) Jesus Christ B.) OJ Simpson C.) John Wayne Gacy D.) Any child with painful, terminal brain cancer E.) Donald Trump
4.) Donald Trump’s penis is: A.) The biggest penis ever B.) Elephant sized C.) Used frequently near or around women without their consent D.) Oranger than the rest of him E.) Called “Donny’s ‘lil man” by Vladimir Putin
5.) Robert Mueller is: A.) A mother fucker B.) A brutish, liberal thug who’s out to get President Trump C.) Never sober D.) Leading an unwarranted witch hunt against Donald Trump E.) All of the above
6.) Reality is: A.) Whatever Donald Trump says it is B.) Not anything the liberal media says it is C.) A fluent, movable thing that rarely is the same thing two days in a row D.) Based solely on opinion and nothing more E.) All of the above
7.) Donald Trump is orange because: A.) He eats a lot of carrots B.) All superior human beings are orange C.) It’s Putin’s favorite color D.) He isn’t really orange, you idiot. You’re eyes are just playing tricks on you E.) He gets peed on a lot
8.) Christmas is: A.) Something Muslims hate B.) A capitalist’s wet dream C.) A time to not give gifts to people you hate so they’ll REALLY know you hate them D.) Warred on yearly by non-believing, atheist bastards E.) All of the above
9.) Canada is: A.) America’s biggest enemy B.) A country filled with weenies C.) A country filled with oddballs who talk funny D.) Physically too close to America for comfort E.) All of the above
10.) Alternate facts are: A.) The only true facts B.) True only when a spokesperson for Donald Trump states them C.) Preferable over true facts D.) Not alternate so much as real E.) All of the above
Gas ‘Em Dead City, Texas. Donald Trump announced this morning that he, and his administration, have begun the construction of 50 gas chambers and crematoriums along the U.S. southern border in order to deal with the flow of immigrants trying to enter America. “We need to eliminate these so-called people as quickly as possible before they contaminate our great country with the vile diseases they carry on their persons,” President Trump said earlier. “The Democrats made this a law several years ago under the Presidency of Hillary Clinton. So, if anyone finds this practice unsavory, blame the Democrats and President Hillary Clinton, not me. I have absolutely nothing to do with it. I’m simply enforcing a law put into place by Democrats.
My ‘people’ have begun the construction of 50 gas chambers and crematoriums along the southern border. The first one went into operation about a week ago, and, so far, it has been a raging success. Over 78 Hispanic immigrants, men, women, children and the elderly, were told they could enter America freely once they took a ‘shower’. Then, they were led into a state of the art gas chamber and exterminated. Their remains were quickly placed into a brand-spanking new crematorium and incinerated to ash. It’s like they never existed.
We will continue this practice until the Democrats decide to change the law that THEY put into place. Thus, again, if anyone finds this practice distasteful, there’s no one to blame for it but former President Hillary Clinton and the entire Democratic party. May the all-loving arms of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, bless each and every American and keep them safe from the pestilence of incoming Hispanic immigrants. Imperious Rex!”
Gamma Ray City, New York. Marvel Studios announced today they will be remaking The Incredible Hulk with Donald Trump in the starring role. “Yes,” Marvel Studios spokesperson, Sally Wannawail, said earlier. “We’ve just signed President Trump to star in our new Netflix show, The Incredible Baby. The show is a remake of the classic Incredible Hulk TV show from the 70’s. This time, however, instead of a dose of gamma rays turning Bill Bixby into a raging green beast, the show will involve Mr. Trump being turned into a whining, green, little baby every time something doesn’t go his way. Our first episode shows Mr. Trump as a 21-year-old receiving a draft notice for the Vietnam War and not wanting to go. He brings the notice to his father who tells him, ‘You know, Donald, your country needs you, and it isn’t very patriotic to not honor your country’s call.’ Upon hearing this, Mr. Trump transforms, for the first time into…The Incredible Baby! He cries, pouts, screams, poops his pants until, finally, his very wealthy father finds a doctor who’ll, for a price, write a letter stating Donald has bone spurs and thus can not go to Vietnam. This calms Mr. Trump down, and he reverts to his adult self, until……Watch Netflix this coming September to find out!”