Six Things You Don’t Want To Hear From Your Doctor.

“Trust Me. Everything Will Be A-Okay!”

1.)  I’ve never used duct tape for this type of procedure before, but, like they say, there’s a first time for everything.

2.)  Well, Mr. Smith, I’m sorry to inform you, but, from now on, you’ll have to pee sitting down.

3.)  Now, don’t move.  I’ll need to keep my hand up here for about ten minutes or we’ll need to start all over.

4.)  No, it is NOT supposed to be that color?

5.)  There’s a 65% chance you’ll still be able to have sex after this.

6.)  Ms. Johnson, the next time I have to remove one of these from you, I’m going to notify PETA.

 

 

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I Probably Shouldn’t Have Used A Lightsaber For…

I received a working lightsaber for Christmas last year.  Here are some things I probably shouldn’t have used it for.

My Lightsaber

1.)  Opening a can of tuna.

2.)  Cleaning the wax out of my ears.

3.)  Brushing my hamster.

4.)  Chasing a group of young ruffians off of my lawn.

5.)  A vibrator.

6.)  Knocking on my neighbor’s door.

7.)  Filling out my income taxes.

8.)  Wiping my butt after going #2.

9.)  Eating spaghetti.

10.)  Proposing to my girlfriend.

 

Offers I Made To Putin In 2016

As everyone who follows this blog knows, I ran a very intense campaign in 2016 for the Presidency of the United States.  Like Donald Trump, I too tried to get Russian President, Vladimir Putin to help me win it.  Here’s a list of some of the things I offered Putin in exchange for his help.

“Nyet! These offers suck!” Putin shouts

1.)  A 50,000 dollar studio apartment in downtown Gary, Indiana.

2.)  A hairless cat named Bill.

3.)  2 goldfish.  One was alive.

4.)  The key to the roller skates I had when I was 11.

5.)  A ticket stub to a Cubs v Mets game from 1997.

6.)  A Playboy magazine from 1985.  It was, however, missing the centerfold.

7.)  A set of rakes to be used in case of forest fires.

8.)  A working VCR and 4 video taped recordings of the first 3 seasons of The Golden Girls.

9.)  My second grade report card with my mother’s signature on it.

10.)  A 4 dollar gift certificate to Taco Bell from 1999.

Sadly, even with me offering him all these wonderful things, Putin decided to help Donald Trump win the Presidency in 2016 and not me.  And we all know how THAT’S turned out.  Happily, I’m trying again in 2020, and THIS time I’m going to ask Kim Jong-un to help me.  Hopefully, he will.  I’ll let you know.

 

 

10 True Statements

The following 10 statements are all true.  “They” all say this.  And when have “they” ever been known to be wrong?

1.)  Atheists are people who do not believe in the real God.

2.)  It is harmless to dismiss all news you don’t agree with as fake.

3.)  When Republicans say they want to get rid of food stamps, SSI, Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid, they’re only talking about taking them away from illegal aliens, black people, Democrats, and Hispanics, not real Americans who depend on these programs to live.

4.)  If you do not accept Jesus as your true Lord and Savior, you’re a Muslim.

5.)  White, Christian men do not commit acts of terrorism in the U.S.  Only dark-skinned Muslims are terrorists.   White men who shoot up churches and schools are simply “mentally ill”.

6.)  If you believe in equality under the law for women and equal pay for equal work for women, you’re gay.

7.)  If you’re a transgender women you’re merely a male who wants to go into women’s restrooms to rape them.  Transgender women raping genetic women in restrooms across America is the greatest crisis facing Republicans today.

8.)  There are no poor people in America–only very lazy people who refuse to work.

9.)  Men who believe in climate change are beta cucks.

10.)  The wealthiest people in America deserve the biggest tax cuts because they work the hardest, are extremely good-looking, and believe very strongly in the Lord Jesus Christ who loves money, and real estate, more than his own mother.

$Amen$

 

 

Other Things Jesus Said

Most people are familiar with many of the sayings attributed to Jesus found in the bible.  However, there are many other sayings of Jesus in the bible that very few people, probably only me, know about.  Here are but a few.

1.)  “And Christ said unto the woman at the cleaners, ‘Look, Ms. Hecklenjoker, I told you last time, you’re using too much starch in my shirts.   They’re giving me a rash when I wear them.  Please take these back and redo them.  I’ve got a wedding to go to on Sunday (God, I hope they’ve got enough wine for it.  I LOVE wine) so I’d appreciate it if you did this by tomorrow.   OK?'”  Matthew 8: 14-17

2.)  “Then Christ said to Peter, “Peter, this is most likely the LAST supper we will ever have together.  Are you certain you don’t want to share that last piece of pie with me?'”  Mark 9: 23-24

3.)  “While he was in Heaven awaiting his return to life after being crucified, Jesus said to the young woman seated next to him in the movie theater, ‘So, your name’s Mary, eh?  I like that name.  I also find you to be very beautiful.  I know a great little Mexican place located about 6 blocks west of the Pearly Gates.   I have some people to WOW back on Earth with my resurrection in a day or so, but when I get back, how’s about you and I go have a burrito and a few margaritas there together?  Gimme your cell, and I’ll text you when I’m back.'”  John 3: 21-24

4.)  “While walking around Galilee with his apostles, Christ suddenly grabbed his foot in pain and shouted, ‘Son of a f%ckin’ donkey!  A god d%mned stone got into my sandal and cut my foot!  These Roman made sandals are for sh%t!  I’m taking these back and from now on, I’m only buying sandals made by Jewish shoe cobblers.  The quality is, by far, superior to this Roman sh%t!'”  Luke 2: 45-47

5.)   “After raising Lazarus from the dead, Christ said unto him, ‘HOLY F%CKIN’ SH%T!  I really didn’t think this was actually going to work!  WTF do I do now?!  Lazarus, my friend, (Damn, bro, you stink) I’m sorry, but you’re on your own.  I mean, ya’ got, like, body parts startin’ to fall off, and ya’ got maggots crawlin’ all over you!  I don’t know, take a shower or somethin’ an go see a doctor.  Maybe he can sew you together.  See ya’ around, pal.  I gotta run, very fast and very far.'”  Mark 5: 38-40

 

 

 

 

5 Spiffy Arguments That You Can Use To Blow People’s Minds

Wanna bend people’s minds and blow ’em through the stratosphere like a true, blue young earth creationist?  Just use one or two of these well-argued arguments and you’ll be the envy of everyone who knows you.

1.)  If someone tells you the earth is older than 6000 years and wasn’t created by God, ask them this:   “Well, how do you know?  Where you there 6000 years ago when God created it?”  Ha!  that one’s a mic dropper, ain’t it.

2.)  Tell someone Julius Caesar never lived and is a fictional character.  If they disagree with you, say this:  “How would you know?  Were you there when he lived?”  Awesome, right!  You should see the looks I get from people when I drop this logic bomb on them!

3.)  Tell people you are being abducted by grey-skinned aliens every night, having coffee with them, and, sometimes, having sex with them.   If they question this assertion, tell them this: “Look, since you’re not there when this happens to me, and these aliens, for some reason, won’t appear to anyone BUT me, you can’t say it isn’t happening.   Until you can prove to me that it isn’t happening, it is.”  BAM!!!   YUGE win for the home team!

3.)  If someone tells you that climate change is real and 99% of earth’s scientists believe this, drop this winner on them: “Oh, really?  Since it can’t be ABSOLUTELY proven, with 100% certainty, that this is true, it isn’t, so you lose, you fuckin’ libtard!”   This one is SUCH a wonderful argument, I’m often punched in face right after I tell it to someone.  Libtards are SO sensitive when they’re proven wrong, aren’t they.

4.)  Here’s a great statement to say to people at kids’ birthday parties:  “All women who claim they’ve been sexually assaulted, and don’t have video and/or DNA evidence to prove it, are liars.”   If people attempt to question this or act offended that you said it, tell ’em this:  “Look, sissy, were you there when every woman who says she was sexually assaulted was?  If you weren’t then shut up with your stupid questions and go home!”  Man, this one is SO solid, I often pee a little after I say it!

5.)  Finally, here’s a great argument to prove whatever it is you believe to be true is.  “Since we don’t know everything about everything, then we must believe anything MIGHT be true.  Thus, what I’m saying is true no matter how much you don’t believe it or how extremely unlikely you say it is!”   This argument has ended more conversations for me than I can number.  Use it, and you’ll see why.

Peace out, and remember, since all opinions are equal, yours are some of the most brilliant that have ever been held in mankind’s history.

 

10 Things That Are True Because We Can’t Prove They’re Not

1.)  We aren’t absolutely certain how the Egyptian pyramids were built, therefore they MUST have been built by aliens from space.

2.)  If a door suddenly slams shut in the middle of the night in your apartment and you don’t immediately see anyone around who could have slammed it, it MUST have been a ghost.

3.)  If a tornado kills hundreds of people during a terrible storm, it MUST have been because God hates gays.

4.)  When your favorite team wins the Super Bowl, it MUST be because God loves them more than the other team.

5.)  God IS the creator of the multiverse because no one can prove she’s not.

6.)  Aliens are, nightly, abducting people into their ships and fondling their genitals. And one can prove they’re not.

7.)  There is no God but Allah, and no one can definitively prove otherwise.

8.)  Jesus is God, the only god, and part of a trilogy of gods who are, in fact, only one god, even though there are three of them, and there’s not a single person alive who can prove with 100% certainty that this is not true.

9.)  It is a fact that there are hundreds, or perhaps even thousands of gods, as the Hindus believe, and not even Steven Hawking, with Einstein’s help, could have shown, without ANY doubt whatsoever, that this is NOT absolutely true.

10.)  Hillary Clinton and Barrack Obama are running a very secret, no one knows about it, not really, child prostitution ring out of a pizza parlor with the help of the CIA, the FBI, the NAACP, and the ACLU, and there’s no one, no group, and no organization that can ABSOLUTELY show that this very secret, almost unknown activity, is in fact, NOT really happening.