Washington, D.C. Just a day after former FBI Director James Comey gave his testimony about Donald Trump to Congress, he was found dead in an alley behind the White House with 6 bullets in his head. “This is an obvious suicide,” said White House Press Secretary, Sean Spicer. “Clearly, Mr. Comey was distraught after telling all those horrible lies to Congress about his conversations with President Trump. He must have immediately regretted his words, gotten drunk, purchased a .38 caliber pistol, wandered into an alley behind the White House, and shot himself 6 times in the head. SAD! Isn’t it? This shocking and tragic act by Mr. Comey proves, without any possibility of doubt, that President Trump is the most innocent, most persecuted, most unfairly judged President who has ever, ever lived. President Trump, and those closest to him, would like to send their condolences to Mr. Comey’s family and friends, but they can’t because they’re so fuckin’ happy he’s dead. Good riddance, ya’ lyin’ bastard, ya’.”
Never in history has a self-awarded Nobel Prize winner been more persecuted than I. For four years now the Nobel Prize Committee has outright refused to acknowledge my self-awarded prize. They turn me away when I drop by their homes unannounced, and they threaten me with legal action when I run naked through their children’s schools carrying a sign that reads, “Fuck The Nobel Prize Committee And Their Kids!”
They’ve now stepped up their game of intimidation against me by sending drones to spy on me. It was bad enough when they asked the FBI to appoint a special prosecutor to look into my repeated prank phone calls to Committee members and their families, but sending spy drones to follow me day and night is something I simply will not sit still for. Until the Committee stops this harassment of me and recognizes my self-awarded Nobel Prize, I will make it my life’s duty to have pizza’s delivered to their homes that they didn’t order and whine like a spoiled brat to the media about how awful they are to me every chance I get. This IS going end, you stinking bastards, and it’s going to end with me getting the recognition from you I deserve. You can count on it!
Well, on second thought, maybe it won’t work out. But that’s OK because, if it doesn’t, I can always become POTUS. Americans will elect anyone these days.
Buttville, Mississippi. The Justice Department announced today that a special proctologist, Dr. Phil Meholeup, has been appointed to closely exam America’s anus after the pounding it has been taking from Trump and the GOP over the past several months. “I’ve already found multiple tears and fractures along the civil liberties and democratic parts of America’s anus,” Dr. Meholeup said this morning. “The anal cavity of America has never in its existence been as powerfully and consistently violated as it has been by Donald Trump and the GOP in recent months. The lack of ANY form of lubricant being used has also added to the damage Trump and the GOP are doing to America, its anus, and its democracy.
I’ve also found much evidence of Russian penetration into the anus of America. The GOP Loves Russia banners and video tapes of Trump kissing Putin’s ass are scattered throughout America’s anal cavity like polyps on the colon of a 75-year-old cancer patient. The tears along the lining of America’s rectal walls being caused by this horrid violation may become too severe to heal if we don’t find a way to stop it soon. So, for all those who love America, liberty and democracy, please write to your representatives in Congress and demand they immediately find a way to stop Trump, the GOP, and their Russian masters from continuing their rampage up the anus of our country. If they don’t, America will soon have no anus left to be violated.”
Gary, Indiana. President Trump announced today that he’s opened a new department store in Moscow, Russia. “It’s the bigly-est department store ever,” President Trump said earlier. “It’s called Traitor Don’s, and it represents what can happen when an entire political party puts its own interests above those of its country. The amount of money I, and my sycophants in the GOP, will make from this store is almost limitless. We Republicans will use the store to sell America’s most sensitive secrets to every Russian citizen who wishes to purchase them. We’ve already made over 75 thousand t-shirts with America’s nuclear codes printed on them which, at this very moment, are selling like bowls of hot borscht for the nominal fee of 15 rubles. They come in red, white, or blue in honor of all those who sacrificed to make America the great land it is today.
The store also features a large entertainment section where Russians can purchase Blu-Ray DVD’s of Paul Ryan, Mitch McConnell and me, Donald J. Trump, singing such songs such as, I Am A Traitor To My Country, and Vladimir Putin, We Love You Tender. All the proceeds from the store go to help the wealthiest Republican families in America become richer, fatter, and more vile than any middle or working class American ever thought possible.
If you are an American planning a trip to Russia, please make sure to stop by Traitor Don’s and watch as your country is sold, bit by bit, to an adversarial foreign power. And remember, it’s all perfectly fine because it’s the Republican Party doing it. God bless America, and God bless freedom.”
1.) ‘Lil Vlady’s Vodka Cookies. Bake 4 dozen cookies of any kind. Soak cookies for 5 minutes in vat of Russian vodka. Invite Russian Ambassador over for late night snack and eat the cookies with him. Betray your country by making financial deals with the Ambassador that place Russia’s needs above those of your own country.
2.) Pee Pee Pineapple Pie. Go to Moscow. Have President Putin hire two prostitutes for you. Have prostitutes pee in a mixing bowl. Place some premixed pie dough into bowl. Mix. Add pineapple slices (these may be hard to come by in Russia, so remember to bring your own from the States). Bake for 20 minutes at 350 degrees. Make sure Putin did not secretly tape you doing this. Let cookies cool. Enjoy.
3.) Lying Bastard Soup. Eat a bowl of soup in a public place. Later, when asked what kind of soup you had, deny ever having eaten soup in your life. If asked again, scream bloody murder and accuse those questioning you of spreading fake news. Repeat as often as necessary to get everyone listening to believe you.
4.) Orange Colored Chicken Stew. Have your servants bring you some chicken stew for supper. “Accidentally” dip your face, previously covered in orange makeup, into the stew. Wait 5 minutes or until most of the orange makeup runs off into the stew. Stir in with spoon. Eat.
5.) Fascist Fried Steak. Order a steak well done at a restaurant. When waiter brings you your order, tell him the steak is not cooked correctly. Order secret service, if you have them available to you, to shoot and kill the waiter. Get another waiter to take your order. Remind him to bring your steak as you ordered it or else. Repeat for as long as it takes to get your steak as you ordered it or until restaurant runs out of waiters.
6.) Sean Spicer Tantrum Topped Pizza. Order a pizza to be delivered to you while you’re giving a speech and/or press conference in front of millions of people. When the pizza comes, shout that you didn’t order anchovies regardless of whether or not there are anchovies on the pizza. Jump up and down and cry until the delivery person apologizes and says you can have the pizza for free if you’ll just shut up. Take out a slice and eat it. (Side note: Under no circumstance should you share the pizza with your audience. It’s YOUR pizza, goddamnit. Let the audience order their own if they want some.)
7.) Impotent President Pudding. Make a pot of rice pudding. Write a bill to repeal and replace another, very popular, bill. Try to get Congress to agree to pass the bill and fail miserably. Blame everyone but yourself for your failure in this matter. Eat pudding; then go golfing like the whole thing never happened.
8.) Russia Is The New American Apple Pie. Place an apple pie in the oven. Write and say wonderful things about Russian President Vladimir Putin. Repeatedly deny you have any connection to Russia whatsoever. Remove pie from oven. Let cool. Eat pie while humming the Russian national anthem and saluting the Russian flag. You’ve now made America great again.
9.) Putin’s Bigly Wiener Burger. While having sex with Vladimir Putin, take a mold of his wiener with some casting gel. Let gel “harden”. Place raw hamburger meat into mold. Cook in oven at 375 degrees for 25 minutes. Remove meat and place on bun. Add condiments and savor it’s juicy goodness bigly.
10.) Donny’s ‘Lil Handed Meatloaf. Make a meatloaf. Cut it into bite-size bits the size of your tiny hands (about 3mm). Toss the bits into the air and try to catch them in your mouth. Bark like a puppy every time you catch one. Repeat until Melania comes to take you out for your evening walk.
1.) A new study shows that one in three liberals are just as stupid as the other two.
2.) Only a f$$kin’ cuck would say Trump isn’t awesome. So if you don’t like Trump, you’re a cuck. (Now could someone please explain to me what a “cuck” is?)
3.) Obama is a shape-shifting lizard alien who’s come here to team up with Hitlerly Clinton to destroy ‘Merica! He’s a cuck, too, and she had email issues. The crook.
4.) F$$ckin’ snowflake, cuck, liberal, mother f$$kers are a f$$kin’ plague and should all be killed with big guns so ‘Merica can be safe again for Jesus-lovin’ Christians like me. I’m SICK of being persecuted by cucks!
5.) SJW’s are attacking true ‘Mericans like me every second of every day. They hound us; they call us mean names, and they refuse to let us express our opinions openly. They’re all a bunch of cucks, fags, snowflakes, and c$nts. Oh, and they suck.
6.) Trump has already made ‘Merica great again by giving everyone good health care and by making the coal industry boom again. I know this isn’t fake news because Trump said it’s true.
7.) Mexicans are all rapists and here illegally. They also have brown skin. Real ‘Mericans are white. This is a fact. Deal with it you f$$kin’, cuck, liberal, snow-flake, hate-filled, mother-f$$ckin’ liberals.
8.) Obama is planning to take over ‘Merica with an army of wire-tapping, liberals, sissies, women and fags. There is SO much evidence for this that it’s sickening. The liberal, Jewish media is covering this up. I f$$kin’ HATE the liberal, Jewish media. They’re SO rude and insulting to decent people like me.
9.) You know what’s scary? Right now trillions of ISIS members are pouring into ‘Merica cause some stupid, f$$kin’ judge blocked Trump’s Muslim ban. Millions of innocent children are killed every f$$kin’ day ’cause of this. Millions. Most of the children in Ohio were killed last night by Muslim terrorists. And has the liberal media reported on this? No. You all must get your real news from people like me, anonymous, right-wing, internet trolls. What the f$$k does that tell you ’bout that state of ‘Merica?
10.) F$$k! My moms comin’. I gotta go or my ass is grass. I was grounded from using the internet indefinitely last week for lookin’ at online porn. F$$k off now, you snowflake, cuck, liberal faggots!