Gamma Ray City, New York. Marvel Studios announced today they will be remaking The Incredible Hulk with Donald Trump in the starring role. “Yes,” Marvel Studios spokesperson, Sally Wannawail, said earlier. “We’ve just signed President Trump to star in our new Netflix show, The Incredible Baby. The show is a remake of the classic Incredible Hulk TV show from the 70’s. This time, however, instead of a dose of gamma rays turning Bill Bixby into a raging green beast, the show will involve Mr. Trump being turned into a whining, green, little baby every time something doesn’t go his way. Our first episode shows Mr. Trump as a 21-year-old receiving a draft notice for the Vietnam War and not wanting to go. He brings the notice to his father who tells him, ‘You know, Donald, your country needs you, and it isn’t very patriotic to not honor your country’s call.’ Upon hearing this, Mr. Trump transforms, for the first time into…The Incredible Baby! He cries, pouts, screams, poops his pants until, finally, his very wealthy father finds a doctor who’ll, for a price, write a letter stating Donald has bone spurs and thus can not go to Vietnam. This calms Mr. Trump down, and he reverts to his adult self, until……Watch Netflix this coming September to find out!”
Fib City, New York. President Trump today claimed D-Day is a day named after and for him. “Of course D-Day was named in honor of me,” Trump said earlier. “My name is Donald, and it starts with a ‘D’. How much more evidence do you need? Yes, Allied troops landed at Normandy on this day a couple of years ago, for some silly reason or another, but what does that have to do with me and my name starting with a ‘D’? Nothing. Absolutely nothing at all. D-Day was named after ME because I’m super popular, I am SO popular, aren’t I, and EVERYONE simply loves me so much cause I’m such a nice, popular, well-loved fellow. No one has ever been as popular and well-loved as I am, right? So, please, party and have fun today as you celebrate me, Donald J. Trump, a guy who had a whole day named after him cause he’s the bigly-est, most popular guy ever to have his name start with a ‘D’.”
Poo-Poo Town, North Dakota. Donald Trump pardoned himself after farting loudly in a busy corridor of the White House this morning. “Yeah, I blasted a good one, if I must say so myself,” Trump said earlier. “I had Chipotle burritos for dinner last night, and the things were LOADED with gas-producing pinto beans. Don’t get me wrong, they tasted great, but they almost immediately turned to toxic fart gas in my colon after I ate ’em. So, I pardon myself for blasting smelly farts this morning in the White House that literally had people running for the doors to get fresh air. Like my Pops used to say to me, ‘Lil Donny,’ he’d say, ‘make sure you say, pardon me, after you blast smelly farts in public or people might think you’re rude. And that, ‘Lil Donny, is something you never, ever want people to think about you.'”
I’ve become a follower of Ayn Rand and objectivism. If you think there is anything wrong with this stance, you’re 100% wrong. There is right, and there is wrong. There is black, and there is white. Nothing is in between. To think there is, and worse yet, act like there is, only invites problems. Let me give you an example of how pure, unadulterated objectivism, as it applies not just to morality but to EVERYTHING else, too, would make life much better–well, much better for me, anyway.
There should be no taxes. Absolutely none. This is an objective fact. I’ve worked very hard from the time I was 5 or 6 years old to now to build myself a fortune. I’m worth over 978 million dollars, and I earned every penny of it myself. I started with a lemonade stand when I was 5, and now I own a major beverage factory that ships soda pop everywhere in the known world. So, why should I be giving ANY of my money in taxes to a government, any government, especially one on the Federal level? I do not need a “government”. They did not help me in any way and should not get any of my money. None. I have my own security guards to protect me from criminals and bad guys, a small army, actually. I have my own version of a fire department; my own construction company to build roads I may need, and my own small farm, with workers, mostly documented, to grow the food I need for myself, my family, and my friends. Why should I pay taxes for police, fire departments, road construction, and a national army when I have all I need around me due to my own hard work? I do not care if others can not afford these things, I can. If others are too lazy to work as hard as I did to earn money to pay for these things, it is not my problem. It’s theirs, and I should not be paying taxes to pay for the things others are too lazy to work for themselves. It’s an OUTRAGE! I do not need, and there should not be, a government of any kind. I do not need it. I’ve earned money, by myself, to pay for all I’ll ever need. The utter weakness and laziness of most people in America is disgusting. “Gimme a fire department! Gimme police! Gimme roads! Gimme an army! Gimme, gimme, gimme!” It makes me SICK!!! I truly do not care if individuals are robbed, shot, or raped because they were too lazy to work as hard as I have to hire their own 24 hour security guards. RIDICULOUS!! If your house burns down because you do not have the money to pay for your own fire department, I can give a f$$k! Too bad, so sad, ya’ lazy prick, ya’. Pull up your bootstraps and GET TO WORK!!! I did it. You can, too. I think it is sickening that I am taxed so the Government can have a standing army. I have my own! I do not need theirs! My money is MINE!!! I earned it, and I should not have a Government filled with sissies and weakling leftist bastards taxing me because they are too weak-minded to care for their own needs. So, I hope this begins to clarify for my readers why I have now dedicated myself to the writings of Ayn Rand and her ideas on objectivism. Have I taken them to an extreme level? Perhaps, but I’m a very wealthy mother f$$ker, and I can buy everything I’ll ever need to live a long, peaceful, uneventful life. That’s really all that matters to me. My money was earned. It is MINE! You want to tax me? Then f$$k you! Go live in Russia or some commie community with crying, baby liberals and leave me, and other Americans who’ve earned their OWN money the f**k alone. $Amen$
Here are two recent, perfectly inerrant, logical, and anger free rants I recently had in response to comments from Trump supporters and religious nutters on another blog. I’m hoping these finally get the Nobel Committee to give me my friggin’ Nobel Prize.
1.) As a flat earth creationist, I must say, I LOVE Trump. Since his election the world has become younger and flatter almost by the hour. Thanks to one of the most devout Christians to ever hold the title of President, the love of the Lord Jesus Christ has embraced America, and soon we’ll have what I’ve always wanted: a fully functioning Christian theocracy where any and all who do not properly worship Our True Lord, Jesus Christ, will be physically put on a boat and shipped to the Middle East where they belong. I’m personally writing Trump’s mentor, Vladimir Putin, a long letter thanking him for helping Trump make America great again, just like it was in 1952 when Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ was President. Well, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to the Mexican border to use my body as a human shield to keep Mexicans out of my country until Trump gets Mexico to pay for the border wall to end all border walls. It’s the only way to keep America truly safe from Hispanic rapists and hoodlums. $Amen$
2.) Open borders are the best. Christ, I say build a friggin’ cement highway across the Atlantic to Europe and let EVERY Mooslim there drive on over in horse-drawn carriages. We need ’em fer target practice, the thievin’ buggers.
Taxes? Who needs the Dems for that, the rat, snowflake bums. Christ, the omnibus bill the Republicans/Russians just passed and Putin’s lil puppet, President Donny Bone-Spurs, just signed, jacked up our deficit by what,1.8 trillion or so? I mean COME ON, that’s got Libtard/Democrat written ALL over it. But I’m bettin’ Draft Dodge Don and his Russian/Republicans can do better than that! Why not put 8 or 9 trillion more onto that spending bill and give a 95% tax cut to the rich to jack the debt up another 6 or 7 trillion? It’ll make ya feel all warm ‘n Democrat-like inside. It will me at least
And hell, we actually need to beg more people to cross our borders. Man, just last night, I shot and killed 56 German and Polish illegals who were trying to kick in my front door. A-holes wanted food or some such crap. Can you believe that? As well, I’ve been attacked by, like, I don’t know, 89 Mexican and Italian illegals in the last month alone. They said, in really broken English, mind you, that they wanted to grab some pussy like lil Donny does and wanted me to show ’em how. ‘Course, I shot ‘n killed the bastards. Ain’t no friggin’ illegal som’bitch gonna talk to me about pussy-grabbin’. That’s for American Presidents alone to do. Ha! I sure showed them. So, let ’em keep on comin’ over. I like shootin’ ’em. Makes me almost as happy as kickin’ Dems in their privates. Almost, but not quite. BANG! Gotcha, ya’ friggin’ illegal bastard, ya’.
May the love of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, the ONE TRUE GOD, be with everyone out there. May His Holy Arms wrap over you and bring you freedom from Republican omnibus bills, pussy-grabbers, traitorous political parties in line with Russian oligarchs, and deficit raisin’ conservatives who’ve lately made even the wildest, leftist Democrats look like Ronald Reagan. $Amen$
The loudest, most annoying example of “identity politics” in today’s America, to me, is perpetrated by white Christians screaming about their “rights”. “Oh, we are SO mistreated! We have to live a world where gays can openly get married and, now get this, HOLD HANDS IN PUBLIC RIGHT IN FRONT OF OUR WHITE KIDS! What kind of world is this? Christ, Mexicans are coming across the border in caravans and raping us and eating our babies by the MILLIONS! What kind of world is this?! We are abused, mistreated, maligned, and SO disadvantaged politically that, hell, for EIGHT YEARS, we had to endure, AND LOOK AT, a BLACK President!!!! What kind of world is this?! NEVER in the history of life on Earth has any group of people been more stepped on than white Christians are in today’s America. WE deserve this country to be run the way WE want it to be.
America was founded by, and for, white Christians on, or about, 1950 by Jesus Christ, a FINE example of a white man if EVER there was one, I must say, and six, non-Jewish, white guys, over sixty years of age, who were rich as f**k. There were NO people living in America until white people came here, killed off the dinosaurs that roamed the land, and built tax exempt Christian churches every 2 blocks all across the country. Since all of this is undeniably true, why, oh, why do we poor, maligned Christian whites have to listen to, look at, and tolerate ANYONE who is not just like us?! WHY???? We may seem, on the surface, like little whining, spineless snowflakes when we cry, bitch, and moan about how deeply our tender feelings are hurt because gays exist and Mexicans live across the street from us, but Jesus demands we do these things in his name. It’s the way he wants things to be. He’s right there with us, edging us on to fight for our right to be white, right, and Christian, helping us make our politics and our points of view the ONLY ones that should be heard and tolerated in America.
Oh, how we SUFFER! Oh, how we hurt! Oh, when, oh, when will we EVER get OUR chance to rule and lead in this country the way that hand-holding gays and Mexicans have for centuries?! Until such a time comes, we will continue to whine, cry, bitch, moan, and be the biggest snowflakes we can be in order to defend our identity as whining, snowflake, white Christians who, like toddlers demanding every meal be made of candy, want everything around us to go our way and ONLY our way simply because that’s how WE want it to be. May the blue-eyed whiteness of the all-tolerant, all-loving, Jesus Christ bless us all and help us make America become all white, all Christian and as free of gays and Mexicans as is humanly possible. Amen.”
*My thanks to Scottie for inspiring this post.