Nazi Land, USA. Donald Trump today said that Adolf Hitler had a perfectly valid point in his desire to kill every living Jew and become ruler of the Western world. “All sides that were involved in WW2 did awful things,” Trump said earlier. “The Allies bombed the f**k out of Berlin for years. Was that nice? Should Hitler have simply accepted what was happening, or should he have fought back? For Christ’s sake, the Allies INVADED Hitler’s country in order to bomb it! How is that OK? It isn’t. All sides involved in WW2 are equally responsible for the horrors of that war. It saddens me that more God-fearing Americans do not see this. Well, at least my sycophants in the Republican Party do. I thank Jesus for them every day. They put me where I am, and, for the most part, they love and support me and all I do. God bless ’em. And God bless the poor, and sadly misunderstood, white supremacists who are my staunchest supporters. With their strength, and God’s love, I can’t help but make America great again. Seig Heil, and Amen!”
Cannibal City, Iowa. Donald Trump’s senior policy advisor, Stephen Miller, announced today he will soon be publishing a cookbook entitled, The Only Good Immigrant Is A Cooked Immigrant. “Many people have falsely assumed I’m not very fond of immigrants,” Miller said earlier. “This is simply not true. I LOVE immigrants, if they’re cooked correctly. See, ever since I was a small boy, skinning cats alive in my parent’s basement, I’ve dreamed of welcoming people from foreign lands into my home and cooking them. In this context, immigrants are only an issue when too many arrive at once and there are not enough kitchens and/or cooks to accommodate them. In order to correct this problem, I’ve decided to publish an immigrant cookbook to encourage more Americans to do as I do: cook and eat immigrants.
Got a problem with too many Polish immigrants moving into your building? Then buy my cookbook and learn how to make REAL Polish sausage by killing, pulverizing, and cooking a few of them to thin out their numbers. Too many Italian immigrants moving into your city? Then buy my cookbook and learn how to turn them into meat lasagna in just 4 easy steps. Like my pappy always used to say to me, ‘Stephen, there ain’t no immigrant you’ll dislike if you cook ’em right.’
My book will be out in early November, just in time for Christmas. You can pre-order one right now on my website, stephenmillerisntcrazy.com, for just $68.94. I’ll toss in a free “Sociopaths Are Fake News” t-shirt with the first 1000 orders, so act fast if you want one. Happy eatin’ America. I’ll see you in the kitchen.”
Washington, D.C. Just a day after former FBI Director James Comey gave his testimony about Donald Trump to Congress, he was found dead in an alley behind the White House with 6 bullets in his head. “This is an obvious suicide,” said White House Press Secretary, Sean Spicer. “Clearly, Mr. Comey was distraught after telling all those horrible lies to Congress about his conversations with President Trump. He must have immediately regretted his words, gotten drunk, purchased a .38 caliber pistol, wandered into an alley behind the White House, and shot himself 6 times in the head. SAD! Isn’t it? This shocking and tragic act by Mr. Comey proves, without any possibility of doubt, that President Trump is the most innocent, most persecuted, most unfairly judged President who has ever, ever lived. President Trump, and those closest to him, would like to send their condolences to Mr. Comey’s family and friends, but they can’t because they’re so fuckin’ happy he’s dead. Good riddance, ya’ lyin’ bastard, ya’.”
Never in history has a self-awarded Nobel Prize winner been more persecuted than I. For four years now the Nobel Prize Committee has outright refused to acknowledge my self-awarded prize. They turn me away when I drop by their homes unannounced, and they threaten me with legal action when I run naked through their children’s schools carrying a sign that reads, “Fuck The Nobel Prize Committee And Their Kids!”
They’ve now stepped up their game of intimidation against me by sending drones to spy on me. It was bad enough when they asked the FBI to appoint a special prosecutor to look into my repeated prank phone calls to Committee members and their families, but sending spy drones to follow me day and night is something I simply will not sit still for. Until the Committee stops this harassment of me and recognizes my self-awarded Nobel Prize, I will make it my life’s duty to have pizza’s delivered to their homes that they didn’t order and whine like a spoiled brat to the media about how awful they are to me every chance I get. This IS going end, you stinking bastards, and it’s going to end with me getting the recognition from you I deserve. You can count on it!
Well, on second thought, maybe it won’t work out. But that’s OK because, if it doesn’t, I can always become POTUS. Americans will elect anyone these days.
Buttville, Mississippi. The Justice Department announced today that a special proctologist, Dr. Phil Meholeup, has been appointed to closely exam America’s anus after the pounding it has been taking from Trump and the GOP over the past several months. “I’ve already found multiple tears and fractures along the civil liberties and democratic parts of America’s anus,” Dr. Meholeup said this morning. “The anal cavity of America has never in its existence been as powerfully and consistently violated as it has been by Donald Trump and the GOP in recent months. The lack of ANY form of lubricant being used has also added to the damage Trump and the GOP are doing to America, its anus, and its democracy.
I’ve also found much evidence of Russian penetration into the anus of America. The GOP Loves Russia banners and video tapes of Trump kissing Putin’s ass are scattered throughout America’s anal cavity like polyps on the colon of a 75-year-old cancer patient. The tears along the lining of America’s rectal walls being caused by this horrid violation may become too severe to heal if we don’t find a way to stop it soon. So, for all those who love America, liberty and democracy, please write to your representatives in Congress and demand they immediately find a way to stop Trump, the GOP, and their Russian masters from continuing their rampage up the anus of our country. If they don’t, America will soon have no anus left to be violated.”
Gary, Indiana. President Trump announced today that he’s opened a new department store in Moscow, Russia. “It’s the bigly-est department store ever,” President Trump said earlier. “It’s called Traitor Don’s, and it represents what can happen when an entire political party puts its own interests above those of its country. The amount of money I, and my sycophants in the GOP, will make from this store is almost limitless. We Republicans will use the store to sell America’s most sensitive secrets to every Russian citizen who wishes to purchase them. We’ve already made over 75 thousand t-shirts with America’s nuclear codes printed on them which, at this very moment, are selling like bowls of hot borscht for the nominal fee of 15 rubles. They come in red, white, or blue in honor of all those who sacrificed to make America the great land it is today.
The store also features a large entertainment section where Russians can purchase Blu-Ray DVD’s of Paul Ryan, Mitch McConnell and me, Donald J. Trump, singing such songs such as, I Am A Traitor To My Country, and Vladimir Putin, We Love You Tender. All the proceeds from the store go to help the wealthiest Republican families in America become richer, fatter, and more vile than any middle or working class American ever thought possible.
If you are an American planning a trip to Russia, please make sure to stop by Traitor Don’s and watch as your country is sold, bit by bit, to an adversarial foreign power. And remember, it’s all perfectly fine because it’s the Republican Party doing it. God bless America, and God bless freedom.”