Jesus Allows The Patriots To Win, Again

The Patriots: They Win Cause Of Jesus

MAGA Town, North Dakota.    Once again, as he has 6 times in the past, Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ has allowed the New England Patriots to win the Super Bowl.  The Pats, led by Christ-lover, Tom Brady, beat the L.A. Rams yesterday by the score of 13 to 3.   What can we, as Americans and Christians, learn from this event?  Well, we can learn this: without a deep belief in Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and without repeated, heart-felt prayers to Jesus, it isn’t possible to win a Super Bowl, or any sporting event for that matter.   No matter what you may hear or believe, know that without the support of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, the Patriots would not have won yesterday.  Obviously, they prayed to him harder than the Rams did, and, also obviously, talent, consistency, and great play had nothing to do with their victory.  It is ONLY because Jesus WANTED them to win that they did.  It is also painfully obvious that Jesus did not want the Rams to win.  Or else they would’ve.  Simple.

See kiddies, it’s that easy.  Pray to Jesus.  Love him.  Worship him, and, if you do all those things correctly, you can win a Super Bowl.  Talent be damned!  Without Jesus, winning the Super Bowl isn’t possible.  Just ask the Rams who, today, should be holding their heads in shame and asking themselves, “What exactly did we do to piss off Jesus so much that he didn’t let us win?”  They didn’t pray as hard as the Patriots.  That is THE only acceptable and reasonable answer here.   Screw practice.  Screw talent.  Prayer to Jesus wins ball games.  Period.  If you think I’m wrong, just ask the Rams.  $Amen$

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I’m Running For The Senate In 2020

Hello, my fellow Americans.  I’m running for the Senate in 2020 as a Republican.  The main policy on my platform will be to build gas chambers and crematoriums throughout the country to deal with the “problem” of the poor and the disabled.  Really, do we need ’em?  More importantly, do we need to pay taxes for idiotic programs to “help” ’em?  Seriously, do we?  Naw.  Gas ’em.  Cremate ’em, and use their ashes to fertilize American veggie gardens.  I feel my policy here is sound and will be backed by the all-loving power of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, TrueChristians everywhere, and the best/wealthiest 1% of America’s proudest conservative citizens.

The Simple Solution To Poverty In America

I’ve always considered myself an independent who’s leaned left, but, lately, I’ve been changed by the joyous rapture I experience when watching President Trump and his ilk bringing the positive love and empathy they do to our fine country.  So, I’ve now become a Christ-loving, conservative Republican who believes in wiping out the poor and disabled, literally, and making America a true, tax-free, Christian theocracy so the all-encompassing love of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ can be shared with every single American whether they want it to be or not.  I say, let’s gas and cremate ALL disabled and poor/lazy people, who are sucking our country dry of resources, so we can give rich people handouts, OOPS, I mean tax breaks, and deport anyone who doesn’t agree with my idea of a TrueChristian, theocratic, federal government.

My ideas may very well disturb you if you’re an atheist or non-Christian when my Christian theocracy becomes the rule of law in America, but, get ready, because it soon will.  There’s so much quiet complacency and lack of involvement, politically speaking, in our country, especially by young people, that a radical, gas chamber-buildin’, conservative Christian like me can’t help but develop enough power to win the Senate, and eventually the White House itself.  And I’ll do it all right in front of a stunned nation that’ll, perhaps, later say, “How the eff did THAT guy get SO much power and why isn’t anyone doing ANYTHING to stop him?  Christ, they’ve just gassed and cremated 659 poor and disabled people not more’n a block down the street from me!  Whaaa haaaapeenn?!”

If you begin to worry at all about what I’m saying here or think that it may, just may, be wrong or, heaven forbid, in bad taste, don’t.  It’s harmless.  I’m harmless.  So, don’t worry.  There’s no need to get involved in a fight over the things I plan on doing for America.  As a matter of fact, I’m counting on most people NOT getting involved.  You know, like usual.

Lastly, I’d like to leave you with these thoughts.  There are a few disabled vets in my building who are complaining that their food stamps are gonna be cut off due to the current government shut down.  Really? I mean, COME ON!!!!  How friggin’ LAZY can people get!!!!  Why in the name of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, should MY tax dollars go to pay for some disabled person’s food in the first place???!!! Talk about a friggin’ WASTE of MY hard-earned money!!! If anything good at all comes out of this shut down, it will be to expose the lazy bastards out there getting free food on OUR tax dollars!!!  Christ, this is NOT good.  See, if we just gassed and cremated ALL of these poor and disabled lazy bastards, we’d all have more $$ in our pockets.  And the air would smell better too because, let’s be honest, poor and disabled people STINK to high heaven.  Yuck.

IBTD1 For U.S. Senate

When I win my Senate race in 2020, I will have the political power to begin implementing my political agenda.  I’ve been getting positive support for my ideas from my Christian pals on the right and from conservatives in general throughout America.  I’m counting on most “regular” folks to not take me my agenda seriously and think I’m really no different from whichever liberal bastard I’ll run against in 2020.  It’s all the same.  It’s all the same.  It’s all the same.  If everyone repeats this ten times when they kinda get worried about my agenda, they’ll stop worryin’, and all will be the same.  All will be the same.  All will be the same.  Vote for Inspiredbythedivine1 in 2020.  Vote to end poverty by gassing and cremating the poor, and vote to finally bring a Christian theocracy into America as law.  $Amen$

 

Six Things You Don’t Want To Hear From Your Doctor.

“Trust Me. Everything Will Be A-Okay!”

1.)  I’ve never used duct tape for this type of procedure before, but, like they say, there’s a first time for everything.

2.)  Well, Mr. Smith, I’m sorry to inform you, but, from now on, you’ll have to pee sitting down.

3.)  Now, don’t move.  I’ll need to keep my hand up here for about ten minutes or we’ll need to start all over.

4.)  No, it is NOT supposed to be that color?

5.)  There’s a 65% chance you’ll still be able to have sex after this.

6.)  Ms. Johnson, the next time I have to remove one of these from you, I’m going to notify PETA.

 

 

I Probably Shouldn’t Have Used A Lightsaber For…

I received a working lightsaber for Christmas last year.  Here are some things I probably shouldn’t have used it for.

My Lightsaber

1.)  Opening a can of tuna.

2.)  Cleaning the wax out of my ears.

3.)  Brushing my hamster.

4.)  Chasing a group of young ruffians off of my lawn.

5.)  A vibrator.

6.)  Knocking on my neighbor’s door.

7.)  Filling out my income taxes.

8.)  Wiping my butt after going #2.

9.)  Eating spaghetti.

10.)  Proposing to my girlfriend.

 

Offers I Made To Putin In 2016

As everyone who follows this blog knows, I ran a very intense campaign in 2016 for the Presidency of the United States.  Like Donald Trump, I too tried to get Russian President, Vladimir Putin to help me win it.  Here’s a list of some of the things I offered Putin in exchange for his help.

“Nyet! These offers suck!” Putin shouts

1.)  A 50,000 dollar studio apartment in downtown Gary, Indiana.

2.)  A hairless cat named Bill.

3.)  2 goldfish.  One was alive.

4.)  The key to the roller skates I had when I was 11.

5.)  A ticket stub to a Cubs v Mets game from 1997.

6.)  A Playboy magazine from 1985.  It was, however, missing the centerfold.

7.)  A set of rakes to be used in case of forest fires.

8.)  A working VCR and 4 video taped recordings of the first 3 seasons of The Golden Girls.

9.)  My second grade report card with my mother’s signature on it.

10.)  A 4 dollar gift certificate to Taco Bell from 1999.

Sadly, even with me offering him all these wonderful things, Putin decided to help Donald Trump win the Presidency in 2016 and not me.  And we all know how THAT’S turned out.  Happily, I’m trying again in 2020, and THIS time I’m going to ask Kim Jong-un to help me.  Hopefully, he will.  I’ll let you know.

 

 

10 True Statements

The following 10 statements are all true.  “They” all say this.  And when have “they” ever been known to be wrong?

1.)  Atheists are people who do not believe in the real God.

2.)  It is harmless to dismiss all news you don’t agree with as fake.

3.)  When Republicans say they want to get rid of food stamps, SSI, Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid, they’re only talking about taking them away from illegal aliens, black people, Democrats, and Hispanics, not real Americans who depend on these programs to live.

4.)  If you do not accept Jesus as your true Lord and Savior, you’re a Muslim.

5.)  White, Christian men do not commit acts of terrorism in the U.S.  Only dark-skinned Muslims are terrorists.   White men who shoot up churches and schools are simply “mentally ill”.

6.)  If you believe in equality under the law for women and equal pay for equal work for women, you’re gay.

7.)  If you’re a transgender women you’re merely a male who wants to go into women’s restrooms to rape them.  Transgender women raping genetic women in restrooms across America is the greatest crisis facing Republicans today.

8.)  There are no poor people in America–only very lazy people who refuse to work.

9.)  Men who believe in climate change are beta cucks.

10.)  The wealthiest people in America deserve the biggest tax cuts because they work the hardest, are extremely good-looking, and believe very strongly in the Lord Jesus Christ who loves money, and real estate, more than his own mother.

$Amen$

 

 

Other Things Jesus Said

Most people are familiar with many of the sayings attributed to Jesus found in the bible.  However, there are many other sayings of Jesus in the bible that very few people, probably only me, know about.  Here are but a few.

1.)  “And Christ said unto the woman at the cleaners, ‘Look, Ms. Hecklenjoker, I told you last time, you’re using too much starch in my shirts.   They’re giving me a rash when I wear them.  Please take these back and redo them.  I’ve got a wedding to go to on Sunday (God, I hope they’ve got enough wine for it.  I LOVE wine) so I’d appreciate it if you did this by tomorrow.   OK?'”  Matthew 8: 14-17

2.)  “Then Christ said to Peter, “Peter, this is most likely the LAST supper we will ever have together.  Are you certain you don’t want to share that last piece of pie with me?'”  Mark 9: 23-24

3.)  “While he was in Heaven awaiting his return to life after being crucified, Jesus said to the young woman seated next to him in the movie theater, ‘So, your name’s Mary, eh?  I like that name.  I also find you to be very beautiful.  I know a great little Mexican place located about 6 blocks west of the Pearly Gates.   I have some people to WOW back on Earth with my resurrection in a day or so, but when I get back, how’s about you and I go have a burrito and a few margaritas there together?  Gimme your cell, and I’ll text you when I’m back.'”  John 3: 21-24

4.)  “While walking around Galilee with his apostles, Christ suddenly grabbed his foot in pain and shouted, ‘Son of a f%ckin’ donkey!  A god d%mned stone got into my sandal and cut my foot!  These Roman made sandals are for sh%t!  I’m taking these back and from now on, I’m only buying sandals made by Jewish shoe cobblers.  The quality is, by far, superior to this Roman sh%t!'”  Luke 2: 45-47

5.)   “After raising Lazarus from the dead, Christ said unto him, ‘HOLY F%CKIN’ SH%T!  I really didn’t think this was actually going to work!  WTF do I do now?!  Lazarus, my friend, (Damn, bro, you stink) I’m sorry, but you’re on your own.  I mean, ya’ got, like, body parts startin’ to fall off, and ya’ got maggots crawlin’ all over you!  I don’t know, take a shower or somethin’ an go see a doctor.  Maybe he can sew you together.  See ya’ around, pal.  I gotta run, very fast and very far.'”  Mark 5: 38-40