Monthly Archives: December 2015

12.30.15
by

Arm Chair Pontificator’s 2015 Statistical Highlights

Statistics Of A Pontificator

A Cool Statistical Graph Of Indeterminate Significance

Here are a few memorable statistics from 2015 for The Arm Chair Pontificator.

1.) The Arm Chair Pontificator gained over 2 billion subscribers in 2015.

2.) Martin Scorsese and Francis Ford Coppola both were quoted on several occasions saying The Arm Chair Pontificator makes their movies better and life more meaningful to them overall.

3.) 480,000 paranoid schizophrenics claimed that I, The Arm Chair Pontificator, am so incredibly talented and funny that I simply MUST be an alien from an advanced civilization come to take over the Earth.

4.) Each member of The Nobel Prize Committee was prank called over 65,000 times by fans of this site for refusing to give me my goddamned, hard-earned Nobel Prize for overall genius in everything I say, do and think.  BASTARDS!

5.) And, lastly, over 65 million senior citizens throughout the world have called me a “know-it-all, liberal, son of a bitch” at least 2 times this past year whilst drinking prune juice mixed with Metamucil.

Thanks to everyone who reads my wacky shit throughout the year.  I hope you all have a great New Year!  $Amen$

12.21.15
by

Christmas Wishes From The Prophet Mohammad

Hoping you and yours have a very blessed and Merry Christmas. Love Always, The Prophet Mohammad

Wishing you and yours a very blessed and Merry Christmas. Love Always, The Prophet Mohammad

Santa’s Workshop, North Pole.   The Prophet Mohammad appeared on TV this morning with a red beard to wish everyone a Merry Christmas.  “I love Christmas,” Mohammad said.  “You get lots of cool gifts; eat lots of food, and sing awesome, fun songs.  What’s not to like?  Oh, if anyone wants to get me a gift, I’d love one of those remote control BB8 droids from the new Star Wars movie.  I love that little fella.   Have a great Christmas everyone.  Allahu Akbar”

12.19.15
by

Things I’d Do If I Could Use The Force

In honor of the new Star Wars movie, The Force Awakens, opening yesterday, I’ve made the following list of things I’d do with the Force if I were able to use it.

1.)

Whenever Donald Trump tried to speak in public, I'd Force lift his hair so it stood on end until he shut up.

Whenever Donald Trump tried to speak in public, I’d Force lift his hair so it stood on end until he shut up.

 

2.)

I'd use the Force to levitate bottles of beer into the waiting hands of beautiful babes in bars to get them to notice me.

I’d use the Force to levitate bottles of beer into the waiting hands of beautiful babes in bars to get their attention.

 

3.)

I'd use the Force to make cash machines give me free money.

I’d use the Force to make cash machines give me free money.

 

4.)

I'd use the Force to place, and permanently hold, handcuffs on the hands of pedophile priests so they can't so easily ply their trade.

I’d use the Force to place, and permanently hold, handcuffs on the hands of pedophile priests so they could no longer practice their trade.

 

5.)

Lastly, I'd use the Force to levitate my dog so I can cut here damn nails. What a battle this always is.

Lastly, I’d use the Force to levitate my dog so I could cut her damn nails. What a battle this always is.

12.17.15
by

Christmas Wishes From The Bible

1.) Baby Jesus:

Baby Jesus says, "It's my birthday, and I'll cry if I want to. Now, would someone PLEASE change my god damn diaper!"

“Merry Christmas.  It’s my birthday, and I’ll cry if I want to.  Now, would someone PLEASE change my god damn diaper!”

 

2.) Lazarus:

"Merry Christmas, y'all. I hope your holiday will be better than mine. I have to spend mine alone cause I smell like rotting flesh and death. Kinda spoils the fun for others when I'm around."

“Merry Christmas, y’all. I hope your holiday will be better than mine. I have to spend mine alone cause I smell like rotting flesh and death. Kinda spoils the fun for others when I’m around.”

 

3.) Yahweh:

"Merry Christmas everyone. Look at me! Look at me! I'm God! I don't have to wear clothes on Christmas or any other day, either! Ha! Ha! It's good ta be God!"

“Merry Christmas everyone. Look at me! Look at me! I’m God! I don’t ever have to wear clothes, even on Christmas! Ha! Ha! It’s good ta be God!”

 

4.) The Virgin Mary:

"Like, Merry Christmas peeps. I just told my husband I'm pregnant and he ain't the pops, God is, and he fainted! Pretty hilarious, eh?"

“Like, Merry Christmas peeps. I just told my husband I’m pregnant and he ain’t the pops, God is, and he fainted! Pretty hilarious, eh?”

12.13.15
by

New This Christmas, The ‘Lil Republican Hand Gun

The 'Lil Republican's Hand Gun

The ‘Lil Republican Hand Gun

Are you a Republican worried a Muslim, black, or Mexican person may creep into your home through a window at night and kidnap or kill your child or children under the age of 11?  Well, worry no more because The ‘Lil Republican Hand Gun is here to save the day.  The ‘Lil Republican Hand Gun is a fully loaded, automated hand gun designed to be used by conservative white children under the age of 11.  Let’s say a nasty undocumented Mexican slithers into your conservative, 8-year-old, white child’s room one evening to kill him.  He’ll be anticipating a very passive victim, but, instead, he’ll encounter a fully armed child who’ll shoot him smack dab in the face. Bang!  Ha! Ha! Ha!  Hilarious, is it not?  Rest easy at night knowing your conservative white children are sleeping soundly in their rooms with The ‘Lil Republican Hand Gun stuffed safely under their pillows.  Don’t lose another night’s sleep.  Order The ‘Lil Republican Hand Gun now for only $75. 99, and we’ll toss in an Older Child’s Republican Hand Gun, for kids ages 11 to 17, absolutely free!

12.12.15
by

Jesus Says, Vote For Bernie Sanders

Jesus Christ's Pick For President In 2016, Bernie Sanders

Jesus Christ’s Pick For President In 2016, Bernie Sanders

Cloud 76, Heaven.   Jesus Christ today, the Lord and Savior of all humanity, pledged his support behind Democratic Presidential candidate, Bernie Sanders.  “I love Bernie Sanders,” Jesus said this morning. “Yes, I know, he’s Jewish, but so am I.  So, deal with it.  Bernie acts in a far more Christian way than 99% of people claiming to actually be Christians.  Any way, he’s a man who is concerned with the well-being of all Americans, not just the wealthy white ones.  I like that about him.  His stance against Citizens United is a truly wonderful thing.  It’s so refreshing to hear him speak.

"Really, I mean it. Vote for Bernie Sanders." Love Always, Jesus Christ

“Really, I mean it. Vote for Bernie Sanders.”  Love Always, Jesus Christ

This is especially true after listening to Republican Candidate Ben Carson idiotically telling people the Bible is to be taken literally, or Donald Trump spewing fascist, xenophobic rhetoric to his followers.  Very unpleasant stuff.   Take the word of Jesus Christ, your Lord and Savior, and vote for Bernie Sanders.  Decent human beings everywhere will be glad you did.”

12.11.15
by

Donald Trump To Stage Mock Gas Chamber Executions Of Muslims And Mexicans

Donald Trump Will Use Gas Chamber/crematorium Combinations Like This One In Auschwitz, Germany To Eliminate The Muslim/Mexican Problem Once He Becomes President

Donald Trump Plans On Using Gas Chamber/Crematorium Combinations, Like This One In Auschwitz, Germany, To Eliminate The Muslim/Mexican Problem Once He Becomes President

Iaintshittin City, Iowa.   Donald Trump today announced he planned to hold several mock gas chamber executions of Mexicans and Muslims in preparation of being crowned President of the United States next November.   “Thing that Hitler did wrong in eliminating the Jews, man, don’t even get me started on the Jews,” Trump said this morning, “was he waited too long to use gas on them in mass.  Killing in mass, then immediately cremating the bodies as one big group, eliminates the smell of rotting corpses, makes cleaning up afterwards easier, who likes to wipe up blood, yucky, and is very cost-effective.  Bullets are really fucking expensive.

Donald Trump Illustrating How People In A Gas Chamber Die

Donald Trump Illustrating How People Die In A Gas Chamber

So, in preparation for my coronation next November, I’m asking Muslims and Mexicans to volunteer for my “mock” gas chamber executions to help make the real process go faster next year.  Look, I’m gonna come for you all next year anyway, so why not make things easier and volunteer for this practice run now, eh?  If your interested, please email me at trumpsabigot.com, and I’ll have someone come collect you ASAP.  Thanks, and God bless.”