My dog is addicted to rabbits. Every time we go for a walk, I come home with a sore arm from having her pull me as she searches for, finds, and tries to chase after rabbits. She looks under bushes, behind iron fences, and in flower beds in her continual quest to find and chase rabbits. I don’t know what she’d do if she caught one, probably pass out from the pure joy of the experience, but she’s a very kind and playful pup and I doubt she’d intentionally try to kill it. I tell you, my dog is the greatest thing in my life. What a joyful, happy friend she is to me, far better than most of the people I know. I’d truly be lost without her.
Hate-Da-Poor City, New Jersey. In order to show how evil he is and how insipidly vile the Republican Party is, Donald Trump today killed 45 puppies on live TV. “I killed these 45 puppies with this sawed off shotgun to illustrate that, no matter how disgusting my actions are, Republicans will still worship the ground I walk on as if I were a god,” Mr. Trump said, right after killing the pups. “My poll numbers skyrocket with each disgusting behavior I publicly exhibit. This proves to me that I WILL be your President, America, because I’m exactly the type of President you deserve. God bless you, America, and God bless the rich.”
I’ve invented many wonderful gadgets over the years in my never-ending quest to force the Nobel Prize Committee to give me my hard-earned Nobel Prize. Here are a few of them along with their suggested retail prices. Each is available for purchase in The Arm Chair Pontificator online store should you wish to buy them.
A group of monotheist zealots this morning, calling themselves Monotheists For The Eradication Of Polytheists, said they had a plan to rid the world of people who believed in more than one god. “What kind of backward toothless douche bag believes in more than one god,” said spokesman for the group, Sir William Tiniecock. “We here at the M.F.T.E.O.P. have come together to liberate the planet from the virus ridden bile that is polytheism. Only by ending this scourge of evil that sits amongst us can we know how much we are loved by whichever one true god we choose to believe in. It matters not whether we worship Jesus, Allah, or Yahweh, as long as we don’t worship all three of them, we will be saved from an eternity in Hell when we die.”
Sir Tiniecock also said, “Polytheists must be wiped out because they are all gay, and they fornicate, forcibly, with animals. How many times, now, have you come home from work only to find your family dog, cat, or goldfish in tears because your polytheistic neighbor has broken in and raped it while you were away? How many? Ten, Twenty?
The idea of a beloved pet being raped, even once, should be enough for you to want polytheists to be sent to an island in the South Pacific and fed, slowly, to man-eating wild boars until they are completely eradicated. And that is our exact plan for polytheists. Catch ’em. Bag ’em; then ship ’em to the South Pacific to be fed, slowly, to man-eating wild boars. We need your prayers, and your donations, to help us capture, and kill, every polytheist on the planet. We know it won’t be easy, and, in most countries, not legal, either, but, it is time these polytheist fuckers are eradicated like the bed bugs they are before they eradicate all of us, and our pets too. Amen.”