Monthly Archives: February 2018

02.26.18
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Because I Had Bone Spurs….

“I Wasn’t Able To Catch And Eat Tweety Bird.”   Sylvester the Cat, April 15th, 2011

 

“I Was Unable To Stand And Run When John Wilkes Booth Started Shooting At Me, So I Was Killed.”   April 15th, 1865

 

“I Had To Stay In My Car While Shooting Quail So I Wasn’t Able To Kill As Many Had I Been Able To Stand Up And Shoot Them.”  Little Old Lady, August 5th, 1999

 

“I Was Unable To Shoot And Kill Bugs Bunny Cause The Pain In My Foot, From My Bone Spurs, Caused Me To Cry Out When I Was Sneaking Up On Him.”  Elmer Fudd, December 3rd, 2001

 

“I Was Unable To Win The 100 Yard Dash At My High School Track Meet.”  Baby Girl, June 12th, 2014

 

“I Had To Defer My Enlistment In The U.S. Army 5 Times Even Though I’m The Toughest, Badly-est, Bigly-est Tough Guy To Have Ever, Ever Lived. No, Really, I Am. Really. I’m Manly, And I’m Tough.”  President Donald Trump, February 22nd, 2018

02.15.18
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A Prayer To The American God

Dear God, my love for thee is greater than all the oceans of the Earth combined and wider than the circumference of the known universe.   To you, my Lord, I devote all that is my being.  The honor I feel when I hold thy firm, cold metal in my hand often overcomes me and causes my eyes to well with tears.  Thou, my Lord, hast given me protection against all of mine enemies: high school kids, grade school kids, church goers, country music fans, and those dancing in gay nightclubs.   It is because of thee, oh most Exulted One, that I am able to unleash my wrath onto a world that does not appreciate thy glory and the greatness you possess.

The Almighty God Surrounded By Holy Water

With your guidance, my King of Kings, I will continue my work to end the plague of the liberal and the anti-gun lobbyist.  I will not end my war until their oppression against thee has been vanquished and every high school student who hast offended they Greatness lies dead and bloodied upon thine altar of gun powder.   I go now, my Liege, to fulfill this Holy War upon the infidels who seek to suppress and deny thee thy rightful place upon the throne of the greatest country to ever allow the slaughter of its most innocent citizens.   With thy aid, I hope to have this goal achieved by Christmas 2019, and, barring any unforeseen interference by the FBI, I will.  Amen

02.14.18
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Happy Valentine’s Day To My 7 Billion Subscribers

Happy Valentine’s Day To All My Blogging Pals!  I Love You All So Much My Heart Has Split In Two For You!  But Worry Not.  I’ve Stitched It Back Together, And I’m Fine.  I’m Just Looking For Someone To Sew It Back Into My Chest, So If You Know Of Any Good Surgeons,  Send ‘Em My Way.

02.08.18
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A Few Naked Pictures

I think those folks are staring at us ’cause we’re naked. Bark at ’em or somethin’ and maybe they’ll go away.

 

Are you sure this is how the French do it?

 

Listen, I’m just too tired to put anything on right now, so you’ll just have to deal with it.

 

Yeah, I thought this was a nude beach, and it isn’t.  So sue me!

 

Say, Sailor, why don’t ya’ come up and see me sometime.

 

Maybe if I stand here really, really still, no one will notice I’m not wearing anything.

 

Well, I’m doing what you told me to do, but I still think we’re doing this wrong.

02.05.18
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God Abandons Patriots–Eagles Win Super Bowl

New England Patriots Fan Cries After God Allows Eagles To Win Super Bowl

Foxborough, Massachusetts.    New England Patriots fans are saddened today because God announced he favored the Eagles in last night’s Super Bowl, and that’s why they won.   “Yeah,” God said earlier, “the Patriots and their fans just didn’t pray hard enough for me to allow them to win this year.  The Eagles and the folks in Philly prayed and worshiped my ass SO much longer and harder I just couldn’t let them lose.  Lots of Catholics in Philadelphia, too, and that’s NEVER a bad thing. (My son’s a Catholic, FYI).  As well, the New England area is starting to crawl with atheists, and there’s no way in the Hell I created that I’m NOT gonna punish THAT sh*t–big time!   Of course, just to f**k with Patriots fans, I let the game stay close enough for Tom Brady to pull off one his miracle comebacks before making him fumble the ball so the Eagles could recover and score an additional field goal.  Ha, ha, ha!  That was a riot.  Brady’s a Trump supporter, too, and I HATE that guy, so there’s another reason I let the Eagles win.   Yeah, Tom wants to help Trump make America great again cause it’s been just so awful for him living in it.  Right, bite me.   Any-who, I gotta run.  There are a few famines and plagues I’m cooking up to smack Africa with and those take time to do right or they won’t kill and make enough people suffer.  We couldn’t let THAT happen now, could we?”