Dear God, my love for thee is greater than all the oceans of the Earth combined and wider than the circumference of the known universe. To you, my Lord, I devote all that is my being. The honor I feel when I hold thy firm, cold metal in my hand often overcomes me and causes my eyes to well with tears. Thou, my Lord, hast given me protection against all of mine enemies: high school kids, grade school kids, church goers, country music fans, and those dancing in gay nightclubs. It is because of thee, oh most Exulted One, that I am able to unleash my wrath onto a world that does not appreciate thy glory and the greatness you possess.
With your guidance, my King of Kings, I will continue my work to end the plague of the liberal and the anti-gun lobbyist. I will not end my war until their oppression against thee has been vanquished and every high school student who hast offended they Greatness lies dead and bloodied upon thine altar of gun powder. I go now, my Liege, to fulfill this Holy War upon the infidels who seek to suppress and deny thee thy rightful place upon the throne of the greatest country to ever allow the slaughter of its most innocent citizens. With thy aid, I hope to have this goal achieved by Christmas 2019, and, barring any unforeseen interference by the FBI, I will. Amen
Foxborough, Massachusetts. New England Patriots fans are saddened today because God announced he favored the Eagles in last night’s Super Bowl, and that’s why they won. “Yeah,” God said earlier, “the Patriots and their fans just didn’t pray hard enough for me to allow them to win this year. The Eagles and the folks in Philly prayed and worshiped my ass SO much longer and harder I just couldn’t let them lose. Lots of Catholics in Philadelphia, too, and that’s NEVER a bad thing. (My son’s a Catholic, FYI). As well, the New England area is starting to crawl with atheists, and there’s no way in the Hell I created that I’m NOT gonna punish THAT sh*t–big time! Of course, just to f**k with Patriots fans, I let the game stay close enough for Tom Brady to pull off one his miracle comebacks before making him fumble the ball so the Eagles could recover and score an additional field goal. Ha, ha, ha! That was a riot. Brady’s a Trump supporter, too, and I HATE that guy, so there’s another reason I let the Eagles win. Yeah, Tom wants to help Trump make America great again cause it’s been just so awful for him living in it. Right, bite me. Any-who, I gotta run. There are a few famines and plagues I’m cooking up to smack Africa with and those take time to do right or they won’t kill and make enough people suffer. We couldn’t let THAT happen now, could we?”
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