Tag Archives: Christians

12.21.23
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Christians To Replace Christ With Trump

Giggleville, South Dakota. Rev. Jimmy Boydiddler, spokes-priest for all Christians everywhere, announced today that Jesus Christ has lost his job as Lord ‘n Savior of Christendom in favor of the much younger and far sexier Savior, Donald J. Trump. ”Trump is just more present in today’s world,” said Boydiddler, “than Christ has ever been. Trump’s kindness, empathy, and ability to bring together people of wildly different ideologies is a true inspiration for how all Christians should behave at all times. Additionally, His righteous rage and anger at the woke, evil, socialist, liberal left is a beacon on how all Conservatives should act towards these Satan-worshiping, child-eating space aliens,” Boydiddler continued. ”Let’s face it, the woke left are simply too dumb and stupid to be considered anything other than useless non-human vermin that need to be obliterated from the face of the earth in order to purify it for decent, human Conservatives everywhere. Therefor, all who once followed Christ, must now replace him in their hearts and prayers with the One, True Savior of all decent human beings, Our New Lord And Savior, Donald J. Trump.” 

Trump To Replace Christ As Leader Of Christianity
06.15.16
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Ban The Christians, Too

banned-stamp-clipart

Once more, I find myself in deep agreement with perhaps the most brilliant mind of our time, Donald Trump.  Trump wishes to place a ban on all Muslim immigration into the U.S. in order to “keep America safe from terror.”  Well, I gotta admit, a better, more soundly thought out idea I’ve never heard.  There are, however, two things that I think would make this brilliant idea even more brilliant.

1.) Let’s kick all Muslims who are currently in the U.S. out of it, and I mean all of them, regardless of whether or not they’re U.S. citizens.  It’s the only real way we can know we’re safe from Islamic terror on our home soil.   Anyone following a Holy Book and a god that preaches violence, hatred, revenge, and misogyny can not be trusted to be in America.  How could any reasonable American disagree with this?  They couldn’t.  This, then, leads me to my second brilliance-increasing idea.

2.)  Let’s kick out every Christian who currently resides in the U.S. and ban them from ever re-entering the country.  Like Muslims, we simply can not trust Christians.  They have a Holy Book filled with vile and disgusting commands from, essentially, the same god the Muslims follow.   Christians have shown time and time again that their religion is a breeding ground for bigotry, pedophilia, murder, rape, revenge, and pure, unadulterated hatred.  I certainly don’t feel safe around them.  Do you?  Of course you don’t.   So, join with Donald Trump, and other highly intelligent Americans, in demanding Congress pass a law making the physical removal of all Christians and Muslims from the U.S. our number one priority.   Only then will we be safe.  Only then will we be able to say, finally, “We’ve won the war on terror!  God bless America!  And God bless freedom!”

12.11.15
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Group Of Christmas Trees Sue Christians For Harassment

These Trees Are Tired Of Being Killed And Made Into Decorations

These Trees Are Tired Of Being Killed And Made Into Decorations

Evergreen Valley, New Hampshire.   A group of potential Christmas trees today filed a harassment suit against Christians.   “They’re tired of being killed every Christmas season by Christians just to become decorations in their homes,” Christmas tree spokeswoman, Betty “Bristles” Malloy, said this morning.  “It’s time these trees be left alone to live their lives in peace and quite.  They’ve been being murdered every Christmas for over a century just to be strung up in the homes of Christians and decorated with lights.  Their dried out corpses are then discarded into alleyways across the world without any chance for a proper, decent burial.  This is, without a doubt, harassment, and it needs to stop.  Christmas tree lives matter!”

08.30.15
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Be Prepared For The War On Christmas This Year With The Atheist Fart Ball

The Atheist Fart Ball. Toss One Of These Into An Office Christmas Party Or Christmas Mass, And Watch The Christians Flee The Scene To Avoid The Stench.

The Atheist Fart Ball:  Guaranteed To Fuck Up Christmas For Christians Every Time It’s Used

 

Smellville, South Dakota.   Are you an atheist who fights against Christians and Christmas every holiday season?  Are you looking for a new, fun way to ruin Christmas for pesky, persecuted Christians this year?  Well then, we’ve got just the thing for you: The Atheist Fart Ball.  The Atheist Fart Ball  is an oblong, nasty-looking ball of compressed methane gas that, once exposed to Christians at Christmas time, safely releases its stinky gas into the air around them.  Toss one into a restaurant during a big Christmas office party and watch in hilarity as Christians flee the scene to escape the smell.  Toss one into a church during Christmas Eve mass, and enjoy even more hilarity as Christians trip over one another trying to get outside for fresh air. The Atheist Fart Ball  is a fun way for every member of the atheist household to enjoy “warring” on Christmas, and Christians, this holiday season.  So, stock up on Atheist Fart Balls now, at $17.99 each, before they’re all sold out.  You don’t want to be without a few of these babies come Christmas time.

(Manufacturers note: The Atheist Fart Ball  will not work on, nor was it designed to work on, Jews, Hindus, Muslims, Agnostics, Buddhists, or Wiccans.)

04.07.15
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Freedom From Christians Bill Proposed By Indiana Congressman

Indiana Democratic Congressman, Billy Wadblower Wankenfluffer

Indiana Democratic Congressman, Billy Wadblower Wankenfluffer

Faghater City, Indiana.  Indiana Democratic Congressman, Billy Wadblower Wankenfluffer, announced today that he will be presenting a Freedom From Christians Bill next month in Congress. “This bill is in direct response to the Freedom of Religion Act signed into law by Indiana Governor, Mike Pence, a few weeks ago,” Congressman Wankenfluffer said earlier. “Though Christians may find this hard to believe, a growing number of decent, kind, loving, caring human beings living in America are sick and fucking tired of Christian bigotry, hatred, and deferential, ass-kissing treatment. Thus, I, and several other U.S. Congressmen and Women, have drafted this bill to help put an end to their whining bullshit once and for all. The bill is divided into five very clear ‘rules’ that Christians must abide by for the betterment of America and decent, human kindness everywhere. If passed into law, the bill will allow U.S. authorities to deport any Christian not adhering to it to a Christian work camp in Antarctica, for life.  The five ‘rules’ proposed by the bill are listed below.

Freedom From Christians Is What This Bill Is All About

Freedom From Christians Is What This Bill Is All About

1.) All Christian Churches will now pay taxes like every other business does in America. Deferential treatment of Christians in this regard ends now.

2.) Fundamentalist Christians will now be required to have a large red “X” tattooed on their right check. This will allow normal people to know who they are and, if they wish, avoid any contact with them.

3.) Christians will no longer be allowed near children without supervision by a Secular Humanist and, then, for no more than five total minutes per week.

4.) Any Christian heard making an anti-gay slur, or refusing a gay person service of any kind, will be forced, standing, into a stockade in the center of Times Square, New York in a t-shirt that reads, ‘I’m a bigoted, anti-gay Christian asshole. Please throw rotten fruit at me.’

5.) Christians will no longer be allowed to marry in America. They may choose to live in sin, but they have proven, by their sickening anti-human behavior, that they do not deserve to share the legal benefits of marriage with other decent, kind, normal Americans.

Let us pray this bill is quickly passed into law so Americans can be free from the tyranny that is Christianity.”

04.01.15
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Creationists More Full Of Bullshit Than Real Bulls, Says Bullshit Expert

Bigotland, Indiana.  Bullshit expert and head of The University of Chicago’s, That’s A Fuckin’ Lie And You Know It department, Professor Vivian V. Agina, said today that Creationists are literally more full of bullshit than real bulls.

Jesus The Creationist

Jesus The Creationist

“My department conducted a two-year research project to determine if the shit Creationists espouse could in any way be measured against the shit in the intestines of real bulls,” Professor V. Agina said. “And sure enough, we determined it could be. We had individual Creationists stand on a platform next to which a constipated, real bull also stood. The bulls were secured behind a steel gate keeping the Creationists safe from any physical harm. The bulls, however, could still hear clearly everything spoken around them. We then asked the Creationists to describe for us their literal reading of Genesis as well as several other readings from the Bible which they took to be literally true. In test after test, each time the Creationists began their diatribe on the literal accuracy of the Bible, the bulls began to violently charge at the gate keeping them from the Creationists. In addition to this, each and every bull violently released the contents of its constipated intestines just as each Creationist began to explain that Noah’s Ark was not a story, but literally true. Needless to say, the bullshit from the real bulls ran out LONG before the bullshit coming from the mouths of the Creationists.

Creationists Are Great Bull Enemas

Creationists Are Great Bull Enemas

Thus, we have determined with absolute scientific accuracy, that not only do they make excellent bull enemas, Creationists are far more full of bullshit than real bulls, even severely constipated ones.”

03.14.15
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Governor Declares Wisconsin A Muslim State

Wisconsin Governor, Peter B. Slipperi

Wisconsin Governor, Peter B. Slipperi

Maidupville, Wisconsin.  In news today that is sure to ruffle the panties of many a Christian, Wisconsin Governor, Peter B. Slipperi declared Wisconsin a Muslim state. “I’m a Muslim,” said Governor Slipperi this morning, “and it is my right, and my duty, as a religious follower of Allah to ram my faith directly up the anuses of every man, woman, and child in Wisconsin. I’m hereby officially declaring Wisconsin a Muslim state.

Christian residents of the state must either convert to Islam or be expelled from their homes, and the state, permanently. Atheist residents will be burned, alive, at the stake for being, well, for being atheists. All Christian churches will be converted to mosques. Any church refusing to convert will be burned to the ground, its parishioners executed. Also, each brick of cheese made in the state must now be packaged with the following label:

Official Wisconsin Profession Of Faith

THIS CHEESE WAS MADE IN WISCONSIN

Conservative Americans have been screaming for a theocratic government where religion and law are one for quite some time now. Well, now, in Wisconsin at least, we have one. This order goes into effect today. I’ve replaced all state police with extremely angry and devoted ISIS members to help me enforce it. So, for your own good, do as you’re told. May Allah have mercy on those foolish enough to resist.”