Trump Tower, Camelot. Donald Trump today announced that water isn’t wet, and his supporters universally agree. “Of course water isn’t wet,” said Trump supporter, Benjamin “Bigly” Wallbuilder. “President Trump is like a smart person. He’s obviously figured out that water supposedly being wet is nothing more than a media conspiracy meant to make him look bad. Well, media big-wigs, you’ve been found out and called out. Who’s laughing now, huh? Who?! You fools should be forced out of the country and made to live in the ocean. You’d see then just how “un-wet” water truly is. You’re liars and haters. Get a life, why don’t ya’! Water’s wet? Ha! What are you damned lying fools going to say next, the sun’s hot? Idiots. Total idiots, I tellz ya’.”
1.) Sometimes, when I dance naked in my apartment and feel like the hottest man alive, I see myself in a mirror and understand there’s absolutely no truth to that thought.
2.) Sometimes, when I want to open a worm hole to suck in all the alt-right assholes who voted for Trump, and realize I can’t, I cry, very, very hard.
3.) Sometimes, when I want to stop the government from placing bugging devices in my apartment to infiltrate the intricate network of anti-government spying activity I control, I realize I do not control any such activity, and I cry, very, very hard.
4.) Sometimes, when I realize I haven’t written a post in over a week, and I write the first glop of stupid shit that pops into my head, I cry, very, very hard.
5.) Sometimes, I wish I could be a fascist dictator who could build walls around alt-right idiots who love racism, misogyny, and homophobia, but then I realize I can’t, so I cry, very, very hard.
6.) Sometimes when I get down over stupid shit that happens, like the Trump election, I tell myself, “It’ll all be fine.” But then I realize it won’t, and I cry, very, very hard.
7.) Sometimes I think our environment will be saved and continue to support human life, but then I realize, Trump’s gonna eliminate the EPA, and I cry, very, very hard.
8.) Sometimes I think I won’t lose my medical insurance because of the Trump win, but then I realize I will, and I cry, very, very hard.
9.) Sometimes I think working class white males aren’t so stupid as to vote into office a President who will do all he can to fuck them over, but then I realize I’m wrong, and I cry, very, very hard.
10.) Sometimes, when I realize I want to have a tenth thing to say but don’t, I cry, very, very hard.
Once more, I find myself in deep agreement with perhaps the most brilliant mind of our time, Donald Trump. Trump wishes to place a ban on all Muslim immigration into the U.S. in order to “keep America safe from terror.” Well, I gotta admit, a better, more soundly thought out idea I’ve never heard. There are, however, two things that I think would make this brilliant idea even more brilliant.
1.) Let’s kick all Muslims who are currently in the U.S. out of it, and I mean all of them, regardless of whether or not they’re U.S. citizens. It’s the only real way we can know we’re safe from Islamic terror on our home soil. Anyone following a Holy Book and a god that preaches violence, hatred, revenge, and misogyny can not be trusted to be in America. How could any reasonable American disagree with this? They couldn’t. This, then, leads me to my second brilliance-increasing idea.
2.) Let’s kick out every Christian who currently resides in the U.S. and ban them from ever re-entering the country. Like Muslims, we simply can not trust Christians. They have a Holy Book filled with vile and disgusting commands from, essentially, the same god the Muslims follow. Christians have shown time and time again that their religion is a breeding ground for bigotry, pedophilia, murder, rape, revenge, and pure, unadulterated hatred. I certainly don’t feel safe around them. Do you? Of course you don’t. So, join with Donald Trump, and other highly intelligent Americans, in demanding Congress pass a law making the physical removal of all Christians and Muslims from the U.S. our number one priority. Only then will we be safe. Only then will we be able to say, finally, “We’ve won the war on terror! God bless America! And God bless freedom!”