Stories For Children With Robert The Reviewer

Robert the Reviewer’s first post for TACP was a huge success. Fans of the site from as far away as the fourth moon of the planet Yavin have been writing accolade-filled e-mails about how much they enjoyed reading Robert’s unique, tenderly worded review of “12 Years A Slave.” In order to quench our readers’ thirst for more of Robert’s words, we are proud to announce that, in addition to his media review column, he will have a second column featuring stories for children ages 3 and up which he promises to be both entertaining and educational for all.  So, without any more delay, we give you, Robert the Reviewer.

Robert The Reviewer

Robert The Reviewer

How ye doin’ me laddies ‘n lassies? Dis ‘ere ’tis Robert, da Reviewer ‘n da best damn teller ov yarns ye’ve e’re ‘eard.  I know none ov ye are like me own faggy, girly man ov a son. So’s da tale ’em about ta tell ye won’ scare ye none, though it be fill’d wit blood, horror, ‘n da livin’ dead, ken. It ain’t as ‘orrible a story, though, as da time me faggy son almost got hiself ea’n by a rabid Haggis on da moors of Edinburgh whilst we t’was huntin’ da fraggin’ gay beastie wit s’ords ‘n clubs ken. Dat’ll be a tale I tell’z ye anither time, wee ones. Fer now I want ta tell ye ov a Bible story ‘day ne’ tell ye ’bout in church: da story ov Matthew 27:52-53. ‘Tis a tale dat begins wit dat lordy-lad, Jez’is returnin’ from da dead. He did dat af’er bein’ dead fer 3 days, wee ones, as ye may ov been told. But what ye ain’t n’er been told is dis: Jez’is weren’t da only one ta rise from da tomb dat day. Just as Jez’is’ eyes opened in ‘is tomb, da grave stones ov dozens ‘o other saints ‘n prophets braked open, ‘n da zombie saints inside ’em went walkin’ in’ta Jerusalem ta spread da word dat the lordy-lad ‘ad come back from beyond da grave. Only, Jez’is, ‘e ‘ad nay a clue dat dis was ta happin’. So’s ‘e decided ta ignore da situation when ‘e realized ‘e wasn’t da only reanimated bein’ walkin’ ’bout dat ‘day. ‘E did nay wan’ ta ‘av ‘es moment stolen by sharin’ it wit more zombies. ‘E simply paid no heed ta them. No heed ’til ‘day started eatin’ da people ov Jerusalem, dat ’tis.

Resurrected Saints Eating The Living

Resurrected Saints Eating The Living

The Saint zombies were expectin’ ta get sent back ta Heaven or ta der graves quickly, at least, by Jez’is when ‘day decided ta come back ta life ta show their support ov da lordy-lad. ‘Day weren’t planin’ on dat bastard, Jez’is, just ignorin’ ’em ‘n leavin’ ’em on Earth, alone, ta fend fer themselves. ‘Day got real ‘ungry real quick-like after a few days, ‘n ‘day started eatin’ da people ‘day come back ta life ta rejoice wit just a wee bit before.  Dis, of course, wasn’t what da lordy-lad wanted ta be happin’. It was stealin’ ‘is thunder ‘n ‘e weren’t havin’ it. So’s ‘e got hiself a big ‘ole fish bone, ‘n ‘e went out ‘n whacked da ‘eads off all them zombie saints in just a wee few hours.

Jesus With Zombie Killing Fish Bone

Jesus With Zombie Killing Fish Bone

Den ‘e went back ta bein’ a big shot solo zombie again. ‘E believed ‘e had wiped the incident out completely from da minds of men,’til Matthew’s Gospel came out, at least. Oh me, laddies ‘n lassies! Ye ain’t seen or heard angry unless ye seen da lordy-lad da fine day ‘e read da Gospel of Matthew. WOW! ‘E ain’t said a word ta ‘ole Matthew in da almost 2000 years since, me wee ones. ‘N I believe ‘e would’ve sent dat poor bugger, Matthew, right ta ‘ell if it weren’t for da fact every priest ‘n preacher ‘as ignored dat section of Matthew’s Gospel da way da lordy-lad ignored da zombie saints all doze years back. Hardly ’tis it e’er mentioned ken. Now ye all know Jez’is is a rat bastard ‘n a’ ego maniac. So’s ye all need ta stop givin’ a shite about ’em, ‘n just live yer lives as best ye all kin. Da end.

I hope ye all liked me story. I’ve got many a’more ‘en. I’d tell ye anither now, but I’ve got ta gits home ta beat me faggy, sissy-boy son fer bein’ such a damn fag ‘n a girly boy. Da damn queer bastard! ‘N after I beats ’em, I gots ta beats me wife fer havin’ dat faggy, sissy-man pansy in da first place. See ye all soon. Bye!

Lazarus, The World’s First Zombie, Talks

Hi, y’all. Lazarus here. You know, the guy Jesus brought back from the dead and then quickly abandoned, that Lazarus. I’m here cause I want to tell my story, a story I’ve been waiting to tell for over 2000 years.  It hasn’t been easy people. Really, it hasn’t. One minute there I was, deader than shit, then, BAM! I wake up smelling like the bowels of Hell itself from decay, and Jesus is standing there smiling with a big-ass crowd behind him. “Jesus,” I said, “is that you?” And he answers, “Of course, chowder head. Who else could’ve brought you back to life? Aren’t you happy I did this for you?”  “Hell, no!” I answered. “I smell like rot! I’ve been dead for days, you idiot! What the Hell were you thinking? I was in Heaven. Happy. Having a beer with some babe I just KNOW was really into me. And you drag my ass back down here. For what? To show off to the crowd that you’re god? You may be a god, Jesus, but you are a childish, brat of a god if you ask me. This SUCKS! Put me the way I was you ninny, or I’m telling your Pop you need a spanking when I go back to Heaven!” Well, needless to say, that wasn’t exactly the brightest thing to say at the moment, cause Jesus did not return me to Heaven, he just flipped me off and left with his big-ass audience right behind him. I haven’t heard from him since.

Jesus! Don't Just Leave Me Here Like This, Shouts Lazarus

Jesus! Don’t Just Leave Me Here Like This, Shouts Lazarus

So, there I was, reanimated, smelling of decay, and wrapped in bandages, all alone in front of my own grave. I knew that no one in their right mind would believe me if I said I’d just been brought back from the dead by Jesus, so I pretended to be a leper and hobbled on over to the nearest leper colony called, “Grounded Parts, Etc”, and lived there, as a tailor specializing in stitching fallen body parts back on to folks seamlessly, for about two centuries. I had already been dead, so I didn’t have to fear becoming infected with leprosy or dying. In time, the stench of the grave left me, and my looks returned to normal. I greatly desired to tell my story, especially as I saw a whole religion starting to develop around Jesus, who people were saying was this all-loving awesome dude. Fuck that. I knew for a fact he wasn’t that awesome at all of a dude. He fucked me, his pal, big time. I wouldn’t trust that bastard under any circumstance, let alone with the salvation of my soul. He didn’t save mine, he fucked it over and left me here on Earth with no way back to Heaven. But I was still in a powerless position, because I knew no one would believe my story. I left the leper colony, and moved to Rome with the money I’d saved up over the centuries. I bought some land and a few slaves (Yes, slaves. It was legal then, and I was nice to them. Nicer than Jesus was to me).  Even after Rome fell, I was able to keep my land and I grew very, very rich over the years.

I Wonder Where Jesus Is Off To?

I Wonder Where Jesus Is Off To?

I’ve lived through the rise and fall of Empires. I’ve seen man go from riding horses to flying in airplanes, and I’ve witnessed the rise and now decline of religions built on the falsehood that Jesus was a savior of some sort, that he was tortured and killed for our sins, and that he resurrected himself from the dead after lying in a grave for three days. This is all a lie. I know. I was there. Left, by Jesus, to bear witness to it all. Jesus got fed up with people here on Earth after Judas attempted to betray him. He saw that Judas was crucified for what he did, and then returned to Heaven without ever saying goodbye to anyone, even his apostles. It was Paul, St. Paul to many, who created Christianity, not Jesus. He was the L. Ron Hubbard of his day and created a religion just because he knew he could do it. Only now do I feel there may be some people who’ll believe my story and see the folly of believing in wild extraordinary stories about saviors and all-loving beings without evidence. If something sounds wildly fantastic and impossible, it more than likely is. I don’t get why this is so hard a concept to grasp. But, I’ve said my piece, and I’m off now to tend to my property in Europe. I’m not going to leave this planet anytime soon. Jesus made sure of that. Remember that, and me, Lazarus, the next time you think fondly of Jesus. That stinking rat bastard.

God’s Non-Existence No Excuse For Bigotry, Says A-theist

Non-Believe It Or Else, Atheist Mega Church

Non-Believe It Or Else: A-theist Mega Church

A member of the “Non-Believe It Or Else” a-theist Mega Church in Corpus Christi, Texas today said God was a bigot and discriminates horribly against a-theists, even though he does not exist. “God’s non-existence does not excuse his treatment of a-theists,” said Joe Asinine, cannibal and head chef for the “Non-Believe It Or Else” restaurant and grill. “He allows Catholic Priests to rape little boys while the hierarchy of the Catholic Church moves them from one unknowing parish to another, thus allowing the rape to continue; yet, somehow, the Catholic Church, as an institution, has not been held accountable for doing this. Well, we a-theists want the SAME deal for our church leaders that they have! What, did you think JUST because someone’s a leader in an a-theist church they don’t crave the pleasure and power-rush of raping a child just as much as Catholic Priests do? Shit, if the a-theist leaders of a-theist Mega Churches were raping their child members and got caught, Christians would burn them alive for it. They sure as shit wouldn’t show them any special deference. Hell, Christians hate us just because we don’t believe in their particular god (and occasional eat their young). Imagine they’re feelings if we tossed some a-theist-leadership child-rapists into the mix as well, ouch!

Atheist Rapists Want The Same Deference This Priest Rapist Gets

Atheist Rapists Want The Same Deference This Priest Rapist Gets

BIGOTS! They’re fucking BIGOTS! And they’re non-existent god is as bigoted as they are for allowing them the deference to rape kids unheeded by the laws of man, while denying us the same deference simply because we know he isn’t real. This is the non-existent nothingness that is god fucking with our rape-rights to fresh child-meat, and it’s NOT FAIR!!!  Damn it! An a-theist child rapist who wants access to little boy ass, along with freedom from any serious retributions, would have to force himself to fake a belief in Jesus in order to become a rapist Catholic Priest. I truly resent people not granting the a-theist rapist members of my Mega Church the same deference they do Catholic Priest rapists simply because they do not believe in Jesus. This shows just how bigoted god and Christians truly are against a-theists. We can’t even get a break when we rape kids like they do. And that is bullshit, man. Pure and simple.”

Darth Vader Moves Into Vatican After Removing Pope And All Clergy

The Dark Side Is Now In The Vatican

The Dark Side Is Now In The Vatican

Rome, Italy. Millions of Roman Catholics were stunned this morning when Darth Vader, Dark Lord of The Sith, appeared on Fox News to announce the Pope, and all other Catholic Clergy, had been removed from the Vatican by Imperial Storm Troopers so that he could move into it. “I have been contemplating retirement for some time now,” Lord Vader breathed heavily to Fox reporter Megyn Kelly, “and the Vatican seemed an impressive place for me to retire to, most impressive, indeed. I found the faith of its Clerical occupants, however, to be insignificant when compared to the POWER of the DARK SIDE of the FORCE, so I had them removed to an Imperial penal colony on Bespin before moving in.

Pope And Clergy Exit Vatican For Bespin Penal Colony

Pope And Clergy Exit Vatican For Bespin Penal Colony

Their sniveling and postulating about their rights as Vatican citizens failed to impress upon me anything other than mild annoyance. To teach them the TRUE meaning of POWER, and to REVENGE my Sith- self upon them for causing me the above mentioned mild annoyance, I decided to question several of them with the assistance of an Imperial Mind Probe Torture Droid as they were packing their belongings for their move to Bespin. As I really had no questions to ask them, knowing nothing about them, I simply asked them to repeat, 1000 times each, that I, Darth Vader, Dark Lord of The Sith, was THE MOST POWERFUL BEING any of them had ever met and all else paled in significance when compared to the POWER of THE DARK SIDE of the FORCE. After completing this task, they left for Bespin. And now that I’ve moved in to Vatican City, I ask that all former followers of the former Catholic leaders of the city pick another leader to follow, for if I am disturbed in my retirement, those disturbing me will experience the FULL POWER of the DARK SIDE of the FORCE!”