“As any red-blooded American can tell you,” said Conservative Christian and NFL fan, Thomas Holesobig, “if there’s anything Jesus loves more than hating faggots, it’s watching NFL football games! He fucking LOVES watching beefy, muscular sweaty men with their cocks bulging through their tight, white pants, tackle each other and jump on top of each other on wet, muddy grass. Nothing could be less gay and more Christ-like and manly than this!
So, this leads me to the topic of Michael Sam. He’s the Missouri football player who recently confessed he likes dick. I know that many decent, Conservative, Christ-loving faggot haters out there are probably thinking, ‘Pal, you just fucked your NFL career away with that confession. No NFL team will draft you now. You are a stain on the ass of Christ’s all-encompassing love for his people. You’re a gay faggot, and you’re evil. Jesus will burn you in Hell forever for this. You’ll never play football again.’ Well, I’m here to say that, if you are thinking this way, you are wrong. You see, Michael Sam is a damn good football player, in spite of his being a cock sucker and taking it up the whammy-hole. And I believe he should be drafted by an NFL team.
I believe Jesus wants him out there helping a needy team win games. Of course, Jesus will still send him straight to Hell when he dies, for being gay. But, while he lives, and as long as he can produce on the field, there is no reason to think that Jesus won’t swallow his thick, hard, long-lasting hatred of gays long enough to let Michael Sam play a few seasons in the NFL. He’s good enough to help a team or two win the Super Bowl along the way, and Jesus LOVES the Super Bowl. JC’s really an awesome guy and he loves EVERYONE. I don’t know why more people don’t see that. Oh well, it’s their loss if they don’t, eh? I’m off to the bar now to get pissed, make fag jokes, and talk about how big, manly, and un-gay my Christian Conservative cock is.