After The Last Supper, Before The Last Temptation, There Were The Last Grievances Of Jesus Christ

This April, from director Quintin Tarantino and TACP, comes the story of Christ’s last night on Earth. It’s the tale of Jesus and his 12 Apostles as they seek to settle all scores, wrap up all unfinished business, and then party like it’s 1999 on the night before good ‘ol JC is tortured and killed. “We based the story loosely on ‘For A Few Dollars More’ and ‘Les Miserables,’ ” said Tarantino. “The studio insisted we make it a musical, and at first I was like,’Fuck that!’, but then the idea really grew on me. We have some moments where song and violence mix together so seamlessly, so beautifully, that you’ll swear you were viewing paradise with everyone in it spewing blood from a major artery.”

Jesus Ready To Kick Some Ass

Jesus Ready To Kick Some Ass

The film opens with Jesus kicking in the door to a filthy brothel and shouting, “OK, mother fuckers! This is your last chance! Let Mary Magdalene out of her whore contract, or I’m bringing all of you grease bag sissies into Hell with me tomorrow.” Jesus then does a back flip over a table and starts singing the first number in the film, “One Night More.” Here are some of the lyrics. “One night more! One more night! One night more to catch a taxi, one night more to take a train, cause if I’m here tomorrow there’ll be tons of fuckin’ pain!”  It may seem a bit silly on the page, but when Ewan McGregor, who plays Jesus, sings it, little old ladies will faint, and grown men will weep like babes. Fuck! I’m crying now just thinking about it.

Don't Touch My Mouse!

Don’t Touch My Mouse!

A Mouse To Sing To

A Mouse To Sing To

Our next scene opens with Judas singing, “I gotta do this cause the money’s real good!” He sings it to a small mouse that’s sitting on his knee. The mouse will be CGI, of course, and kids are gonna DIE for it! It’s so cute. Judas then leaves while putting the mouse in his pocket. As we fade to a bar with several men seated inside drinking whiskey, smoking, and playing cards. These are John, Matthew, Luke, and Mark. They’re talking about writing a book about their adventures with Jesus. We hear the following dialog.

Mark: No fucking way am I writing about this. Man, I’ve never even seen any “miracles”.  He tells me he did miraculous shit, and I just shake my head. That dude has a temper like I’ve never seen.

Luke: I know. He’s broken my nose more than once. And remember the day Peter told him he was gay! Holy fucking shit! Peter’s lucky to be alive. I hate writing too. Let’s just tell him we’ll write it and then don’t do it. He’s gonna be dead soon anyway, it ain’t like he’s REALLY coming back.

The 4 "Official" Gospel Writers

The 4 “Official” Gospel Writers

John: Hey! I’ve a great idea. We’ll hire some college kids to write it. We’ll tell ’em it’s for a creative writing project or something.

Matthew: Sounds great, now get me a beer, a babe, and a place to get cozy in, cause I need me some tail before tomorrow!

The final scene is one in which all 12 Apostles and Jesus, armed with rifles and side arms storm into a child sweat shop where children aged 4 to 7 have been forced to make clothes for the people of Bethlehem by a wild motor cycle gang high on drugs.

Motorcycle Thugs High On Drugs

Motorcycle Thugs High On Drugs

Jesus lifts his rifle, shoots at a guy on a motor cycle and sings, “Look out! Look out! You tiny, little kids! How long, Oh kids have you been lacking bibs?” Jesus then grabs a biker by the throat and tears his head off as blood shoots ten feet into the air. “Man, that felt great,” Jesus says, and opens the sweat shop door allowing all the little kids to exit the shop into the bright sunshine of a day about to be beautiful for all but Jesus. As we fade to black, Jesus looks right into camera, winks, and says, “Man, today is really gonna fuckin’ suck.”

Jesus Banned From Eating At Local Denny’s

 Denny's Manager Timothy Jackson. Happy That Jesus Won't Return.

Denny’s Manager, Timothy Jackson.

In shocking news today, Jesus, the Lamb of God, was banned for life from a local Denny’s restaurant by the manager, Timothy Jackson. When asked why he banned our Lord, Jackson replied, “Because that dude just about put me out of business with His miracle meal visits every Sunday morning and Friday night. He’d come in and order a piece of toast and a cup of coffee for two or three bucks and then feed the whole damn restaurant of eighty or more people with them. I can’t make a profit with that kinda shit going on. Fucking show off!

Jesus Feeding Crowd At Denny's

Jesus Feeding Crowd At Denny’s

And it ain’t like He couldn’t afford to just pay for everyone either. He’s the bloody Son of God for Christ sake! Last I heard, God was not exactly living in poverty and needing to perform fucking miracles just to feed his family. So I kicked His ass out. I’ve a mortgage to pay and two kids in college. I can’t afford to go out of business cause the Son of Man feels compelled to show off twice a week.”

Sexy Pics Of Famous People From The Bible

Robert Mapplethorpe, the erotica photographer who gained fame in the ’80’s with his photos depicting the gay BDSM lifestyle, stopped by my office today with some sexy pics of people from the Bible he’s taken since his arrival in Heaven. He heard Moses had shared some of his personal photographs with my readers, and, after first getting permission from his models, he decided he’d like to share some of his. And here they are. Hope you enjoy them.

Judas Iscariot: "Oops! The Button's Come Off My Pants. Whatever Shall I Do?"

Judas Iscariot: “Oops! The Button’s Come Off My Pants. Whatever Shall I Do?”


Sarah & Hagar: Hello Boys. We Were Out Hunting For Something Really, Really Big And All Our Clothes Fell Off

Sarah & Hagar: “Hello Boys. We Were Out Hunting For Something Really, Really Big When All Our Clothes Fell Off”


Apostle Mark: Does My Ass Look Fat In This Outfit?

Apostle Mark: “Does My Ass Look Fat In This Outfit?”


Jacob: Listen Up Bitches! I'm 4000 Years Old; I'll Dress As I Damn Well Please

Jacob: “Listen Up Bitches! I’m 4000 Years Old; I’ll Dress As I Damn Well Please”


Matthew & Luke: Meow! We're Two Little Frisky Kittens. Rub Our Bellies And We'll Purr For You

Matthew & Luke: “Meow! We’re Two Little Frisky Kittens. Rub Our Bellies And We’ll Purr For You”


Mary Magdalene: Jesus, I Hear You've Been A Naughty, Naughty Boy

Mary Magdalene: “Jesus, I Hear You’ve Been A Naughty, Naughty Boy”


God: I Fail To See How Any Of This Is Appropriate Much Less Funny

God: “I Fail To See How Any Of This Is Appropriate Much Less Funny”

Stories For Children With Robert The Reviewer

Robert the Reviewer’s first post for TACP was a huge success. Fans of the site from as far away as the fourth moon of the planet Yavin have been writing accolade-filled e-mails about how much they enjoyed reading Robert’s unique, tenderly worded review of “12 Years A Slave.” In order to quench our readers’ thirst for more of Robert’s words, we are proud to announce that, in addition to his media review column, he will have a second column featuring stories for children ages 3 and up which he promises to be both entertaining and educational for all.  So, without any more delay, we give you, Robert the Reviewer.

Robert The Reviewer

Robert The Reviewer

How ye doin’ me laddies ‘n lassies? Dis ‘ere ’tis Robert, da Reviewer ‘n da best damn teller ov yarns ye’ve e’re ‘eard.  I know none ov ye are like me own faggy, girly man ov a son. So’s da tale ’em about ta tell ye won’ scare ye none, though it be fill’d wit blood, horror, ‘n da livin’ dead, ken. It ain’t as ‘orrible a story, though, as da time me faggy son almost got hiself ea’n by a rabid Haggis on da moors of Edinburgh whilst we t’was huntin’ da fraggin’ gay beastie wit s’ords ‘n clubs ken. Dat’ll be a tale I tell’z ye anither time, wee ones. Fer now I want ta tell ye ov a Bible story ‘day ne’ tell ye ’bout in church: da story ov Matthew 27:52-53. ‘Tis a tale dat begins wit dat lordy-lad, Jez’is returnin’ from da dead. He did dat af’er bein’ dead fer 3 days, wee ones, as ye may ov been told. But what ye ain’t n’er been told is dis: Jez’is weren’t da only one ta rise from da tomb dat day. Just as Jez’is’ eyes opened in ‘is tomb, da grave stones ov dozens ‘o other saints ‘n prophets braked open, ‘n da zombie saints inside ’em went walkin’ in’ta Jerusalem ta spread da word dat the lordy-lad ‘ad come back from beyond da grave. Only, Jez’is, ‘e ‘ad nay a clue dat dis was ta happin’. So’s ‘e decided ta ignore da situation when ‘e realized ‘e wasn’t da only reanimated bein’ walkin’ ’bout dat ‘day. ‘E did nay wan’ ta ‘av ‘es moment stolen by sharin’ it wit more zombies. ‘E simply paid no heed ta them. No heed ’til ‘day started eatin’ da people ov Jerusalem, dat ’tis.

Resurrected Saints Eating The Living

Resurrected Saints Eating The Living

The Saint zombies were expectin’ ta get sent back ta Heaven or ta der graves quickly, at least, by Jez’is when ‘day decided ta come back ta life ta show their support ov da lordy-lad. ‘Day weren’t planin’ on dat bastard, Jez’is, just ignorin’ ’em ‘n leavin’ ’em on Earth, alone, ta fend fer themselves. ‘Day got real ‘ungry real quick-like after a few days, ‘n ‘day started eatin’ da people ‘day come back ta life ta rejoice wit just a wee bit before.  Dis, of course, wasn’t what da lordy-lad wanted ta be happin’. It was stealin’ ‘is thunder ‘n ‘e weren’t havin’ it. So’s ‘e got hiself a big ‘ole fish bone, ‘n ‘e went out ‘n whacked da ‘eads off all them zombie saints in just a wee few hours.

Jesus With Zombie Killing Fish Bone

Jesus With Zombie Killing Fish Bone

Den ‘e went back ta bein’ a big shot solo zombie again. ‘E believed ‘e had wiped the incident out completely from da minds of men,’til Matthew’s Gospel came out, at least. Oh me, laddies ‘n lassies! Ye ain’t seen or heard angry unless ye seen da lordy-lad da fine day ‘e read da Gospel of Matthew. WOW! ‘E ain’t said a word ta ‘ole Matthew in da almost 2000 years since, me wee ones. ‘N I believe ‘e would’ve sent dat poor bugger, Matthew, right ta ‘ell if it weren’t for da fact every priest ‘n preacher ‘as ignored dat section of Matthew’s Gospel da way da lordy-lad ignored da zombie saints all doze years back. Hardly ’tis it e’er mentioned ken. Now ye all know Jez’is is a rat bastard ‘n a’ ego maniac. So’s ye all need ta stop givin’ a shite about ’em, ‘n just live yer lives as best ye all kin. Da end.

I hope ye all liked me story. I’ve got many a’more ‘en. I’d tell ye anither now, but I’ve got ta gits home ta beat me faggy, sissy-boy son fer bein’ such a damn fag ‘n a girly boy. Da damn queer bastard! ‘N after I beats ’em, I gots ta beats me wife fer havin’ dat faggy, sissy-man pansy in da first place. See ye all soon. Bye!

Lazarus, The World’s First Zombie, Talks

Hi, y’all. Lazarus here. You know, the guy Jesus brought back from the dead and then quickly abandoned, that Lazarus. I’m here cause I want to tell my story, a story I’ve been waiting to tell for over 2000 years.  It hasn’t been easy people. Really, it hasn’t. One minute there I was, deader than shit, then, BAM! I wake up smelling like the bowels of Hell itself from decay, and Jesus is standing there smiling with a big-ass crowd behind him. “Jesus,” I said, “is that you?” And he answers, “Of course, chowder head. Who else could’ve brought you back to life? Aren’t you happy I did this for you?”  “Hell, no!” I answered. “I smell like rot! I’ve been dead for days, you idiot! What the Hell were you thinking? I was in Heaven. Happy. Having a beer with some babe I just KNOW was really into me. And you drag my ass back down here. For what? To show off to the crowd that you’re god? You may be a god, Jesus, but you are a childish, brat of a god if you ask me. This SUCKS! Put me the way I was you ninny, or I’m telling your Pop you need a spanking when I go back to Heaven!” Well, needless to say, that wasn’t exactly the brightest thing to say at the moment, cause Jesus did not return me to Heaven, he just flipped me off and left with his big-ass audience right behind him. I haven’t heard from him since.

Jesus! Don't Just Leave Me Here Like This, Shouts Lazarus

Jesus! Don’t Just Leave Me Here Like This, Shouts Lazarus

So, there I was, reanimated, smelling of decay, and wrapped in bandages, all alone in front of my own grave. I knew that no one in their right mind would believe me if I said I’d just been brought back from the dead by Jesus, so I pretended to be a leper and hobbled on over to the nearest leper colony called, “Grounded Parts, Etc”, and lived there, as a tailor specializing in stitching fallen body parts back on to folks seamlessly, for about two centuries. I had already been dead, so I didn’t have to fear becoming infected with leprosy or dying. In time, the stench of the grave left me, and my looks returned to normal. I greatly desired to tell my story, especially as I saw a whole religion starting to develop around Jesus, who people were saying was this all-loving awesome dude. Fuck that. I knew for a fact he wasn’t that awesome at all of a dude. He fucked me, his pal, big time. I wouldn’t trust that bastard under any circumstance, let alone with the salvation of my soul. He didn’t save mine, he fucked it over and left me here on Earth with no way back to Heaven. But I was still in a powerless position, because I knew no one would believe my story. I left the leper colony, and moved to Rome with the money I’d saved up over the centuries. I bought some land and a few slaves (Yes, slaves. It was legal then, and I was nice to them. Nicer than Jesus was to me).  Even after Rome fell, I was able to keep my land and I grew very, very rich over the years.

I Wonder Where Jesus Is Off To?

I Wonder Where Jesus Is Off To?

I’ve lived through the rise and fall of Empires. I’ve seen man go from riding horses to flying in airplanes, and I’ve witnessed the rise and now decline of religions built on the falsehood that Jesus was a savior of some sort, that he was tortured and killed for our sins, and that he resurrected himself from the dead after lying in a grave for three days. This is all a lie. I know. I was there. Left, by Jesus, to bear witness to it all. Jesus got fed up with people here on Earth after Judas attempted to betray him. He saw that Judas was crucified for what he did, and then returned to Heaven without ever saying goodbye to anyone, even his apostles. It was Paul, St. Paul to many, who created Christianity, not Jesus. He was the L. Ron Hubbard of his day and created a religion just because he knew he could do it. Only now do I feel there may be some people who’ll believe my story and see the folly of believing in wild extraordinary stories about saviors and all-loving beings without evidence. If something sounds wildly fantastic and impossible, it more than likely is. I don’t get why this is so hard a concept to grasp. But, I’ve said my piece, and I’m off now to tend to my property in Europe. I’m not going to leave this planet anytime soon. Jesus made sure of that. Remember that, and me, Lazarus, the next time you think fondly of Jesus. That stinking rat bastard.

The First Supper Of Christ: Apostles Assembled, Part 4

The First Supper Of Christ: Apostles Assembled

Scene 4

It is approximately 6 months since Mary Magdalene’s rescue from Herod’s singing Stripper Bar. We are in Pontius Pilate’s office in Jerusalem with Pilate, King Herod, and a single Roman centurion guard. Herod and Pilate are discussing the Pharisees who’ve come to ask Pilate to kill Jesus for them because he and his apostles have been forcing Jews to apologize to God for the sins of Adam and Eve and to accept Jesus as their Lord and Savior. Those who refuse are beaten, water boarded, and starved until they comply. Many have died from this. Jesus has attacked the Pharisees hardest of all because of their continued, arrogant defiance of his demands. They want Pilate to rid them of Jesus for good. It is a very long time ago.

Pilate: Herod, who the fuck did you tell me these guys were again who want me to kill Jesus?

Pontius Pilate Wants Jesus Stopped Before He Turns His Rebellion On Rome

Pontius Pilate Acts For Rome Alone, Not The Pharisees

Herod: They are the Pharisees, my Liege, the leaders of the Jewish faith. They’re pissed because they’re pussies who can’t kill Jesus for themselves, so they figure they’ll get you to do it for them. Fuck ’em. They are limp-wristed pansy boys as useless as drops of rain in the magnificence of the great sea that is Rome. They aren’t worth your time. I, however, want Jesus’ ass hung on a cross cause the faggot stole one of my whores from me. NO ONE does that to Herod the Great without paying for it. I’m asking you to help me catch him because it benefits you to do it. You’ll be preventing that asshole from turning his campaign against Rome, which he surely will do next, and you’ll get a life long ally in me, Herod, King of Judea, ensuring you of no further insubordination from any Jew while I reign.

Pilate: I like the way you think, Herod. You’re OK in my book. Centurion!

Centurion: Yes, my Lord?

Pilate: Go out there and tell the Pharisees I’ve washed my hands of them and that they can go fuck themselves. What I do I do for Rome and for Rome’s cause. The requests of pansy-boy religious leaders mean nothing to Rome. Tell them if I see or hear of them again, even a peep, I’ll have them all crucified. Damn sissies.

Centurion: As you wish, my Lord.

The Pharisees Learn Pontius Pilate Refuses To See Them

Pontius Pilate Tells The Pharisees To Fuck Off

The camera cuts to a medium shot of the Centurion talking to a large group of Pharisees who begin to protest loudly what they hear. This prompts the Centurion to point toward a nearby hill where 10 crucified individuals can be seen squirming on crosses in horrific pain waiting to die. The Pharisees then quickly and quietly leave as we cut to a Mexican Restaurant, somewhere in Judea, where Judas, Mary Magdalene, and Christ are awaiting their to go order.

The First Supper Was Mexican Takeout

The First Supper Was Mexican Takeout

Mary: I must say, JC, Mexican takeout was an OUTSTANDING idea for the first ever supper of all 12 of your Apostles. I can’t believe we did it. You said you wanted twelve Apostles and 12 we have. All trained, combat proven, and ready to kick repentance out of everyone we find in need of it. You get sexier and hotter to me every day, sir. You are without any doubt, my savior and Lord.

Jesus: Thanks, babe. You were a big help to me in doing this. You’re the woman behind the Savior, if you will. And you’re pretty OK in the “hots” department yourself, I might add.

Just then, without warning, Judas knocks both Jesus and Mary to the ground as a spray of gun fire flies harmlessly over them.

Judas Poised Always For Battle

Judas, Poised Always For Battle

Judas: Man, that was close. And that was most definitely not the Pharisees shooting at you. It’s Herod again, Jesus. I’m telling you, let me go stealth on his fucking ass and kill him while he sleeps. It’s dangerous keeping a dude who hates you that much alive.

Jesus: I know, and in time, Herod will die, but for now, I need him alive. I’ve a plan for him and he is, so far, following it perfectly. Come on, let’s get the food back to the HQ. I’ll bet everyone is starved.

Judas: OK, pal. If you say so. You are the son of God, after all.

Cut to the inside of Jesus’ and the Apostles’ HQ. All 12 Apostles, Mary Magdalene, and Jesus are seated around a large round table with various Mexican food dishes open on it looking rather picked over. Jesus has a shot of Vodka in his hand and is about to make a toast.

The First Supper

The First Supper

Jesus: I’d like to share this toast with Mary, and my Apostles upon the occasion of our first ever supper together as a team. You are a team of hand-picked specialists who will help to bring repentance from mankind for the sins of Adam and Eve, thus prompting my father to FINALLY forgive them for it. Not only that my friends, you are also the defenders of the wronged, the jurors for the guilty, and the executioners of the condemned. We are Jesus and The 12 Apostles, and let every evil doer and non-repentant sinner know, screw with us, and you are truly fucked!

Jesus downs his shot and everyone else soon follows suit. The screen fades to red and then to black. End scene 4.

Stay tuned, as we approach the exiting conclusion of our story.

The First Supper Of Christ: Apostles Assembled, Part 3

The First Supper Of Christ: Apostles Assembled

Scene 3

Galilee. Outside of a club called, “The Best Little Singing Stripper Bar In Galilee.”  It is about 10:00 PM. Jesus, Peter, and Judas are preparing to burst inside to retrieve Mary Magdalene and free her from her life of singing whoredom. Unbeknownst to them, however, is that her pimp is none other than Herod, himself, King of Judea.  It is, as before, a very long time ago.

Jesus: All right gentlemen. This is the type of thing we’ve been training for. When I kick the door in, I’m going to grab the first bouncer I see and break his nose. You two do the same. I need you both to kick as much ass as possible and keep whoever is in there focused on you. I don’t want them knowing why we’re there. And I might need a few minutes to find Mary. Ready?

Peter and Judas: Hell, yes, we’re ready!

Jesus kicks open the door to the bar and grabs a bouncer standing near it by the hair. He lifts his right knee toward the man’s face as he pushes his head down into it. There is a loud snap, and blood sprays from the man’s face. As the camera swings up, we see a stage with Mary Magdalene singing on it and taking off her clothes. Just as she is about to remove her skirt, she notices Jesus and stops.

Miley Cyrus Singing As Mary Magdalene

Miley Cyrus Singing As Mary Magdalene

Peter and Judas then move in from behind Jesus and swipe out the legs of two bouncers who are running toward them from behind the bar. Peter breaks the arm of one of the men, while Judas cracks the femur of the other with a heavy chair causing a compound fracture. Blood is everywhere and the injured men are all screaming in pain. Jesus leaps onto the stage and breaks the neck of a bouncer who is trying to pull Mary off the stage with him. The man drops dead onto the stage with a thump. Jesus grabs Mary’s hand, leading her off the stage and toward the door.

Thomas Hardy's Jesus Is Not A Pussy

Thomas Hardy’s Jesus Is Not A Pussy

Peter and Judas have since retrieved a sawed off shot-gun from the hands of a bartender who clumsily pointed it at them and wound up with a dagger piercing his heart for doing so. Peter holds the shot-gun up and fires once into the air to startle anyone else looking to stop them.  Jesus and Mary reach the door and run out followed closely by Peter and Judas. Just as the door slams behind them, King Herod, in a gold bath robe, comes out of a room on the second floor of the bar and leans against the second floor railing. Four semi-clad women come out of the same room Herod did and slither up next to him. He looks down over the bloody carnage left by Jesus and his men, and says: “I WAS having a good time until SOMEBODY busted into MY place and stole MY whore. I’m going to track this son of a bitch down and crucify him. And while his ass is hanging on the cross, I’m gonna cut off his balls and feed them to him, one at a time. NO ONE fucks with Herod The Great! NO ONE!”

No One Fucks With King Herod! No One!

No One Fucks With King Herod! No One!

The scene ends with a quick flash of red that fills the entire frame. We then cut quickly to our heroes on horseback riding fervently away into the night. Jesus and Mary are astride a white stallion, and Peter and Judas are each riding a black stallion. As they come to a cave opening just inside a mountain path, the horses come to a halt as their riders slowly get down from them, one at a time.
End of scene 3.

Scene 4 to follow soon. So please check back.