After The Last Supper, Before The Last Temptation, There Were The Last Grievances Of Jesus Christ

This April, from director Quintin Tarantino and TACP, comes the story of Christ’s last night on Earth. It’s the tale of Jesus and his 12 Apostles as they seek to settle all scores, wrap up all unfinished business, and then party like it’s 1999 on the night before good ‘ol JC is tortured and killed. “We based the story loosely on ‘For A Few Dollars More’ and ‘Les Miserables,’ ” said Tarantino. “The studio insisted we make it a musical, and at first I was like,’Fuck that!’, but then the idea really grew on me. We have some moments where song and violence mix together so seamlessly, so beautifully, that you’ll swear you were viewing paradise with everyone in it spewing blood from a major artery.”

Jesus Ready To Kick Some Ass

Jesus Ready To Kick Some Ass

The film opens with Jesus kicking in the door to a filthy brothel and shouting, “OK, mother fuckers! This is your last chance! Let Mary Magdalene out of her whore contract, or I’m bringing all of you grease bag sissies into Hell with me tomorrow.” Jesus then does a back flip over a table and starts singing the first number in the film, “One Night More.” Here are some of the lyrics. “One night more! One more night! One night more to catch a taxi, one night more to take a train, cause if I’m here tomorrow there’ll be tons of fuckin’ pain!”  It may seem a bit silly on the page, but when Ewan McGregor, who plays Jesus, sings it, little old ladies will faint, and grown men will weep like babes. Fuck! I’m crying now just thinking about it.

Don't Touch My Mouse!

Don’t Touch My Mouse!

A Mouse To Sing To

A Mouse To Sing To

Our next scene opens with Judas singing, “I gotta do this cause the money’s real good!” He sings it to a small mouse that’s sitting on his knee. The mouse will be CGI, of course, and kids are gonna DIE for it! It’s so cute. Judas then leaves while putting the mouse in his pocket. As we fade to a bar with several men seated inside drinking whiskey, smoking, and playing cards. These are John, Matthew, Luke, and Mark. They’re talking about writing a book about their adventures with Jesus. We hear the following dialog.

Mark: No fucking way am I writing about this. Man, I’ve never even seen any “miracles”.  He tells me he did miraculous shit, and I just shake my head. That dude has a temper like I’ve never seen.

Luke: I know. He’s broken my nose more than once. And remember the day Peter told him he was gay! Holy fucking shit! Peter’s lucky to be alive. I hate writing too. Let’s just tell him we’ll write it and then don’t do it. He’s gonna be dead soon anyway, it ain’t like he’s REALLY coming back.

The 4 "Official" Gospel Writers

The 4 “Official” Gospel Writers

John: Hey! I’ve a great idea. We’ll hire some college kids to write it. We’ll tell ’em it’s for a creative writing project or something.

Matthew: Sounds great, now get me a beer, a babe, and a place to get cozy in, cause I need me some tail before tomorrow!

The final scene is one in which all 12 Apostles and Jesus, armed with rifles and side arms storm into a child sweat shop where children aged 4 to 7 have been forced to make clothes for the people of Bethlehem by a wild motor cycle gang high on drugs.

Motorcycle Thugs High On Drugs

Motorcycle Thugs High On Drugs

Jesus lifts his rifle, shoots at a guy on a motor cycle and sings, “Look out! Look out! You tiny, little kids! How long, Oh kids have you been lacking bibs?” Jesus then grabs a biker by the throat and tears his head off as blood shoots ten feet into the air. “Man, that felt great,” Jesus says, and opens the sweat shop door allowing all the little kids to exit the shop into the bright sunshine of a day about to be beautiful for all but Jesus. As we fade to black, Jesus looks right into camera, winks, and says, “Man, today is really gonna fuckin’ suck.”

Jesus Bitten By Acting Bug

Jesus' Head Shot

Jesus’ Head Shot

In news today that no one was expecting, Jesus, The Son of God, announced he wants to be an actor. “My Pops recently sold Heaven to Disney, and that’s inspired me to fulfill my eternity’s long dream of becoming an A-list Hollywood and Broadway actor,” The King of Kings said earlier. “Shakespeare and I were talking just the other day about what a kick ass Hamlet I’d make. I mean, who knows more about following in the foot steps of a great father than me, eh?  I’ve also been itching to play Javert in “Les Miserables” ever since I was forced to sit through the God-awful singing of Russell Crowe in the movie version that came out on my birthday a few years ago. UGH! I have an amazing singing voice, and babes always swoon when they hear it, so I know I’d knock that part right out of the park!” We here at TACP wish the Son of Man all the best in His new career, and please, Jesus, remember us when you are accepting that first Oscar a few years from now, OK?

God Watches “Les Miserables,” Sinks Noah’s Ark

The Lord, God, revealed some interesting information to me earlier today when he dropped by my office to return a Blu-ray copy of “Blood Sucking Freaks” I recently lent him.  Here’s what he told me: “I learned that Russell Crowe was going to be playing Noah just after seeing him in “Les Miserables” last year. The rattling vibrations of white-noise he emitted while “singing” in that film, combined with the idea he’d soon be playing Noah, sent me into a berserk, animal-like rage. I transported myself back in time and sent the real Noah’s Ark, and everything on board her, to the bottom of the ocean.

Noah's Ark Sinking

Noah’s Ark Sinking

The story of Noah’s Ark has been official removed from The Bible because no one lived to tell it, thus ensuring that no movie about it will ever be made with Russell Crowe as Noah. This helps lessen Crowe’s over all film appearances and the chance we will have to endure his singing again should he decide to add a song or two into more of his films. Feel free to say, ‘Thank God for that,’ because it WAS me who did it.”

Wolverine To Play Jean Valjean In Yet Another Film Version Of Les Miserables

This Is How It's Done, Jackman!

This Is How It’s Done, Jackman!

Claiming his alter ego, Hugh Jackman, sucked in last year’s film adaptation of “Les Miserable,” Wolverine has been cast as Jean Valjean in yet another film version of the popular musical set to premier late next year.  “Jackman’s a pussy,” said Wolverine earlier.  “The dude works out and looks tough, but then he plays Jean Valjean like an emasculated little boy. I HAD to make this film, if for no other reason than to show him how HE should’ve done it.  There’s no friggin’ way that Javert is going to be pushing me around and forcing me into hiding.  I’m the best there is at what I do, Bub. And what I do best isn’t running away. It’s standing my ground and going toe-to-toe with my enemy.

Javert, I'm Ready When You Are

Javert, I’m Ready When You Are

People will get a confrontation scene in this movie that’s an actual CONFRONTATION, and, though I don’t want to give away too much, I will say there isn’t a suicide scene for Javert in this version because, well, he doesn’t need one.   Oh, that reminds me, for those of you who feel “Les Mis” is too sad and/or has too much singing, you’re going to love this new version.  Fantine, for example, is only ABOUT to be forced to sell her hair and teeth and to become a prostitute when a certain adamantium-clawed X-Man happens to arrive to save the day.  Fantine then sings a chipper, happier version of “I Dreamed A Dream” with these new lyrics: “I had a dream of Wolverine, of buff strong men and steely sinews. I had a dream my man would be, this superhero I am kissing!  I am so happy to exclaim!!! I am in love with Wolverine!!!”

This Time, Fantine, There'll Be No Tears

This Time, Fantine, There’ll Be No Tears

  If that doesn’t bring down the house, NOTHING will.  As well, all the songs sung by Marius and Cosette, especially the cheesy ones they sing to each other, have been cut. They will be replaced with extended flash back scenes of me fighting Magneto and the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants.  Less singing, more fighting, bigger box office, that’s what I’m bettin’ on.  I do have one show stopping song I sing though, and that’s a reworked version of “Bring Him Home.” I sing it right after I annihilate the entire French army while in the midst of a blinding berserker rage which threatens to consume me completely. The song helps calm me down, and it goes like this: “Professor X!!! Bring me peace! Bring me Joy (woman’s name). I am hot. Very hot. Girls like me. Like it or not! But Calm me down. Or I’m shot! Bring me girls, bring me babes, and calm me down! Calm me down. Let me rest.”  And of course I do calm down, marry Fantine, and we rule France together because I’ve killed the entire French ruling class by the time the movie ends. And that, Mr. Jackman, is how THAT is done!”