Apologetics: The Art Of Equivocating Bullshit Into Dogma

Even If You Have To Make It Up

Even If You Have To Make It Up

How long would it take you to come up with an explanation as to why an apple is actually an orange? It doesn’t have to be a logical or believable explanation, just one that makes an apple an orange. It can be a magical explanation, a science fiction type of explanation, or a “mysterious” type of explanation. Doesn’t matter.

Wanted By Vatican To Make Little Boy Rape Holy

Wanted By Vatican To Make Little Boy Rape Holy

What matters is that you present it as absolute, undeniable fact with an extremely condescending tone toward anyone who suggests you just blew it straight out your ass. This is the type of thing you get to do every day as an Apologist for the religion of your choice. Christians and Muslims have lots of these guys. Some like doing it so much, they do it for free. This is how Noah was able to, literally, put two of each kind of animal on the Ark. An Apologist for Creationism made up a way he could have done it, and presented it as dogma to people who really, really wanted to believe it, and bravo! The Ark story, literally, happened, and now, anyone who questions the idiotic reasoning behind this belief is called a bigot who’s persecuting Creationists. Most people don’t want to be considered a bigot, so they stop asking questions. See how it works? Another benefit to being an Apologist is the enormous amount of deference and respect you’ll receive, even from those who know you’re completely full of shit. Most Americans love Faith so much, they’d rather ostracize those who question it than listen to the questions they ask. Thus, they don’t ask.

I'm An Apologist Cause I Can't Sing Or Dance

I’m An Apologist Cause I Can’t Sing Or Dance

Just mention that you’re a person of strong belief, and people you’ve never even met will ring you to see if you need help wiping your ass. Deference and respect await you as an Apologist, though you’ve not done a fucking thing to earn them. And, if you get to be a good “emergency” Apologist, one who can create enough black smoke to cover up damning questions from, say, a learned cosmologist during a debate, you may even get to be in a YouTube video that goes viral. It’s awesome when that happens because no matter how fucking ridiculous you sound, half the people who watch the video will say you kicked the cosmologist’s ass with your witty answers. So, if any of this sounds like it’s up your bullshit filled alley, give Apologetics a try. The world could always use more equivocated bullshit to believe is undeniably and infallibly true.

Stories For Children With Robert The Reviewer

Robert the Reviewer’s first post for TACP was a huge success. Fans of the site from as far away as the fourth moon of the planet Yavin have been writing accolade-filled e-mails about how much they enjoyed reading Robert’s unique, tenderly worded review of “12 Years A Slave.” In order to quench our readers’ thirst for more of Robert’s words, we are proud to announce that, in addition to his media review column, he will have a second column featuring stories for children ages 3 and up which he promises to be both entertaining and educational for all.  So, without any more delay, we give you, Robert the Reviewer.

Robert The Reviewer

Robert The Reviewer

How ye doin’ me laddies ‘n lassies? Dis ‘ere ’tis Robert, da Reviewer ‘n da best damn teller ov yarns ye’ve e’re ‘eard.  I know none ov ye are like me own faggy, girly man ov a son. So’s da tale ’em about ta tell ye won’ scare ye none, though it be fill’d wit blood, horror, ‘n da livin’ dead, ken. It ain’t as ‘orrible a story, though, as da time me faggy son almost got hiself ea’n by a rabid Haggis on da moors of Edinburgh whilst we t’was huntin’ da fraggin’ gay beastie wit s’ords ‘n clubs ken. Dat’ll be a tale I tell’z ye anither time, wee ones. Fer now I want ta tell ye ov a Bible story ‘day ne’ tell ye ’bout in church: da story ov Matthew 27:52-53. ‘Tis a tale dat begins wit dat lordy-lad, Jez’is returnin’ from da dead. He did dat af’er bein’ dead fer 3 days, wee ones, as ye may ov been told. But what ye ain’t n’er been told is dis: Jez’is weren’t da only one ta rise from da tomb dat day. Just as Jez’is’ eyes opened in ‘is tomb, da grave stones ov dozens ‘o other saints ‘n prophets braked open, ‘n da zombie saints inside ’em went walkin’ in’ta Jerusalem ta spread da word dat the lordy-lad ‘ad come back from beyond da grave. Only, Jez’is, ‘e ‘ad nay a clue dat dis was ta happin’. So’s ‘e decided ta ignore da situation when ‘e realized ‘e wasn’t da only reanimated bein’ walkin’ ’bout dat ‘day. ‘E did nay wan’ ta ‘av ‘es moment stolen by sharin’ it wit more zombies. ‘E simply paid no heed ta them. No heed ’til ‘day started eatin’ da people ov Jerusalem, dat ’tis.

Resurrected Saints Eating The Living

Resurrected Saints Eating The Living

The Saint zombies were expectin’ ta get sent back ta Heaven or ta der graves quickly, at least, by Jez’is when ‘day decided ta come back ta life ta show their support ov da lordy-lad. ‘Day weren’t planin’ on dat bastard, Jez’is, just ignorin’ ’em ‘n leavin’ ’em on Earth, alone, ta fend fer themselves. ‘Day got real ‘ungry real quick-like after a few days, ‘n ‘day started eatin’ da people ‘day come back ta life ta rejoice wit just a wee bit before.  Dis, of course, wasn’t what da lordy-lad wanted ta be happin’. It was stealin’ ‘is thunder ‘n ‘e weren’t havin’ it. So’s ‘e got hiself a big ‘ole fish bone, ‘n ‘e went out ‘n whacked da ‘eads off all them zombie saints in just a wee few hours.

Jesus With Zombie Killing Fish Bone

Jesus With Zombie Killing Fish Bone

Den ‘e went back ta bein’ a big shot solo zombie again. ‘E believed ‘e had wiped the incident out completely from da minds of men,’til Matthew’s Gospel came out, at least. Oh me, laddies ‘n lassies! Ye ain’t seen or heard angry unless ye seen da lordy-lad da fine day ‘e read da Gospel of Matthew. WOW! ‘E ain’t said a word ta ‘ole Matthew in da almost 2000 years since, me wee ones. ‘N I believe ‘e would’ve sent dat poor bugger, Matthew, right ta ‘ell if it weren’t for da fact every priest ‘n preacher ‘as ignored dat section of Matthew’s Gospel da way da lordy-lad ignored da zombie saints all doze years back. Hardly ’tis it e’er mentioned ken. Now ye all know Jez’is is a rat bastard ‘n a’ ego maniac. So’s ye all need ta stop givin’ a shite about ’em, ‘n just live yer lives as best ye all kin. Da end.

I hope ye all liked me story. I’ve got many a’more ‘en. I’d tell ye anither now, but I’ve got ta gits home ta beat me faggy, sissy-boy son fer bein’ such a damn fag ‘n a girly boy. Da damn queer bastard! ‘N after I beats ’em, I gots ta beats me wife fer havin’ dat faggy, sissy-man pansy in da first place. See ye all soon. Bye!

What Exactly Is Evidence?

Here’s a link to “About Atheism” that explains this quite well.

http://atheism.about.com/od/criticalthinking/a/What-Is-Evidence.htm?nl=1

Theists and Christian apologists who state that “proof” god exists is illustrated by their philosophical arguments which conclude he does, are not in the least bit convincing. Until I see evidence that a god or gods exist, I see absolutely no reason to believe in them. None what so ever.