Here are a few pics of Bible characters who had appetites that were, to say the least, rather insatiable.
Here are a few pics of Bible characters who had appetites that were, to say the least, rather insatiable.
Greetings, Pontificator readers. I spent the day today calling the cell phones of famous folks from the Bible. Though no one was available to answer my calls, I did hear several interesting voice mail greetings which I’ve transcribed below for your reading pleasure. Enjoy.
2.) The Holy Spirit
3.) St. Paul
4.) Baby Jesus
5.) Mary Magdalene
Mummyville, Egypt. Fabricated archeologist, and amateur photographer, Ivana Kissurmom, stopped by our Paris office today with these amazing pictures of famous bearded women from history. Enjoy.
1.) This picture of Eve shows us she wasn’t just the first woman ever, but the first bearded woman ever as well.
2.) Next we have the very bearded Helen of Troy. I just don’t see what all the fuss was about, do you?
3.) And now for the Virgin Mary. I don’t know about you, but she doesn’t look very virginal to me.
4.) This picture shows that George Washington had either terrible eyesight or very bad taste in women.
5.) And this one shows the same can be said of Jesus.
6.) Last for today we have Joan of Arc, pictured in the very tux she wore at her execution.
This April, from director Quintin Tarantino and TACP, comes the story of Christ’s last night on Earth. It’s the tale of Jesus and his 12 Apostles as they seek to settle all scores, wrap up all unfinished business, and then party like it’s 1999 on the night before good ‘ol JC is tortured and killed. “We based the story loosely on ‘For A Few Dollars More’ and ‘Les Miserables,’ ” said Tarantino. “The studio insisted we make it a musical, and at first I was like,’Fuck that!’, but then the idea really grew on me. We have some moments where song and violence mix together so seamlessly, so beautifully, that you’ll swear you were viewing paradise with everyone in it spewing blood from a major artery.”
The film opens with Jesus kicking in the door to a filthy brothel and shouting, “OK, mother fuckers! This is your last chance! Let Mary Magdalene out of her whore contract, or I’m bringing all of you grease bag sissies into Hell with me tomorrow.” Jesus then does a back flip over a table and starts singing the first number in the film, “One Night More.” Here are some of the lyrics. “One night more! One more night! One night more to catch a taxi, one night more to take a train, cause if I’m here tomorrow there’ll be tons of fuckin’ pain!” It may seem a bit silly on the page, but when Ewan McGregor, who plays Jesus, sings it, little old ladies will faint, and grown men will weep like babes. Fuck! I’m crying now just thinking about it.
Our next scene opens with Judas singing, “I gotta do this cause the money’s real good!” He sings it to a small mouse that’s sitting on his knee. The mouse will be CGI, of course, and kids are gonna DIE for it! It’s so cute. Judas then leaves while putting the mouse in his pocket. As we fade to a bar with several men seated inside drinking whiskey, smoking, and playing cards. These are John, Matthew, Luke, and Mark. They’re talking about writing a book about their adventures with Jesus. We hear the following dialog.
Mark: No fucking way am I writing about this. Man, I’ve never even seen any “miracles”. He tells me he did miraculous shit, and I just shake my head. That dude has a temper like I’ve never seen.
Luke: I know. He’s broken my nose more than once. And remember the day Peter told him he was gay! Holy fucking shit! Peter’s lucky to be alive. I hate writing too. Let’s just tell him we’ll write it and then don’t do it. He’s gonna be dead soon anyway, it ain’t like he’s REALLY coming back.
John: Hey! I’ve a great idea. We’ll hire some college kids to write it. We’ll tell ’em it’s for a creative writing project or something.
Matthew: Sounds great, now get me a beer, a babe, and a place to get cozy in, cause I need me some tail before tomorrow!
The final scene is one in which all 12 Apostles and Jesus, armed with rifles and side arms storm into a child sweat shop where children aged 4 to 7 have been forced to make clothes for the people of Bethlehem by a wild motor cycle gang high on drugs.
Jesus lifts his rifle, shoots at a guy on a motor cycle and sings, “Look out! Look out! You tiny, little kids! How long, Oh kids have you been lacking bibs?” Jesus then grabs a biker by the throat and tears his head off as blood shoots ten feet into the air. “Man, that felt great,” Jesus says, and opens the sweat shop door allowing all the little kids to exit the shop into the bright sunshine of a day about to be beautiful for all but Jesus. As we fade to black, Jesus looks right into camera, winks, and says, “Man, today is really gonna fuckin’ suck.”
Planet Vulcan. Biblical scholar, Reverend Pheal MeKiddies, unknown throughout the world, dropped by the Hong Kong office of TACP today to show us some lovely pictures he’d found in Istanbul of famous Bible butts. So, without further wordplay, we present them for you below.
1.) First, we have this fine picture of Yahweh’s favorite, and only, son, Jesus, performing one of his patented miracles.
2.) Next, we present this unique photo which proves that even God Himself has been known to litter from time to time.
3.) Here we have a rather interesting pic of Mary Magdalene’s exquisite derriere just after she had it tattooed.
4.) This one speaks for itself.
5.) As does this one.
6.) And, of course, we saved the best for last.
From The Journal of The Holy Spirit
20 November, 2014
8:15 AM: Awoke with a hangover the size of Asia. No more late night bar hopping with Jesus. Ever since Mary Magdalene dumped him for St. Peter, he’s been on a non-stop bender. He’s toxic to be around right now, and I’ve things that I need to do with a clear head.
10:00 AM: Went to pick up God’s dry cleaning only it wasn’t ready when we were told it would be. He’s gonna be PISSED! I guess the folks who own the dry cleaner we use haven’t read The Old Testament. They’re gonna be sorry they didn’t.
12:00 PM: Flew into the window of an eighteen year old virgin French gal and told her God had sent me to impregnate her with another son of His. I was lying, of course, but she didn’t know that. We had some awesome sex, then I took her out for lunch. We had brats and beer. Nice gal, but I forgot her name already. I’ve been doing shit like this every few days for 3000 years now, and my memory isn’t what it used to be.
4:00 PM: Drove Moses to a dentist appointment. Dude’s getting senile in his old age and tried to eat a shelled walnut with his teeth. He cracked a molar down to the root. Dentist says it’ll be at least three more visits before it’s fixed.
7:00 PM: Jesus called and wanted me to go out drinking with him again. I said no, and he started crying. I said no again, and he threatened to kill himself by jumping off a bridge. It wouldn’t work, but God would be pissed if I let him just jump, so I’m on my way to pick him up now.
10:00 PM: Dropped Jesus off at his condo and put him to bed with his favorite Teddy Bear and a glass of warm milk. Told him Mary Magdalene was a bitch for dumping him, and there were more fish in the sea for him to date once he felt up to it. He fell asleep and I drove home.
11:30 PM: Brushed my teeth with my new Superman electric tooth-brush; slipped into my satin robe, and settled down with a fine glass of Merlot. Tomorrow I’m going with God to help Him pick out a new SUV, so I’m nodding off now. I’ll need my rest if I’m to help Him haggle with car salesmen over prices. Pure evil those guys are. Good night.
Check out these porn movies that will soon be available on The Arm Chair Pontificator adult streaming channel.
1.) The Godfather: Part BIG. I actually star in this little beauty of an erotic masterpiece as The Butler: A mysterious and dashingly handsome man-servant to the Godfather. A Mafia Don with a monstrously huge dick and an insatiable lust for 20-year-old women who dress as Catholic School girls. If you like impeccably subtle writing, stellar acting, especially by yours truly, and award-winning art design, this is the porn film you were born to see.
2.) Raiders of the Lost Quim. Join Indiana Johnson and his bevy of naked beauties as they frolic their way through the Middle East in search of good curry and the sacred, lost, missing quim of the Virgin Mary. This baby is loaded with mind-boggling CGI effects and actors so hot they’ll warm your blood for decades. You won’t want to miss it!
3.) Jesus Christ, Sexy Star. A Musical, erotic romp through the New Testament with Jesus, Mary Magdalene, and The Holy Spirit. If you think porn flicks and huge Broadway musicals don’t mix, you’re in for a surprise when you see Jesus Christ, Sexy Star. Just because the tenors are nude and sporting huge boners does not mean they can’t sing. And, baby, can these boys SING! After viewing this movie, you’ll never be able to have sex again without its soundtrack playing in your head.
4.) Mary Does Bethlehem. Join the Virgin Mary as she kicks in doors and raids the gay bath houses of Bethlehem wearing nothing but a smile in search of Jesus’ dead-beat dad, Joseph. If you like action with your mindless sex, this is the film you’ve been waiting for. As an added bonus, 80’s porn legend, Ron Jeremy, has been cast in the film as the Inn, and Out, Keeper. This is not a movie you’ll want to miss.
5.) It’s A Wonderful C*ck. Join George, The Wad, Baily and the rest of the townsfolk of Dickford Balls as they fight off the evil Mr. Pooper, a tyrannical fundamentalist Christian who’s trying to outlaw sex of any kind from their town. This film is sure to become a Christmas classic, so be sure to gather the whole family together and watch it when it premiers this Thanksgiving on The Arm Chair Pontificator adult streaming channel.
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