After The Last Supper, Before The Last Temptation, There Were The Last Grievances Of Jesus Christ

This April, from director Quintin Tarantino and TACP, comes the story of Christ’s last night on Earth. It’s the tale of Jesus and his 12 Apostles as they seek to settle all scores, wrap up all unfinished business, and then party like it’s 1999 on the night before good ‘ol JC is tortured and killed. “We based the story loosely on ‘For A Few Dollars More’ and ‘Les Miserables,’ ” said Tarantino. “The studio insisted we make it a musical, and at first I was like,’Fuck that!’, but then the idea really grew on me. We have some moments where song and violence mix together so seamlessly, so beautifully, that you’ll swear you were viewing paradise with everyone in it spewing blood from a major artery.”

Jesus Ready To Kick Some Ass

Jesus Ready To Kick Some Ass

The film opens with Jesus kicking in the door to a filthy brothel and shouting, “OK, mother fuckers! This is your last chance! Let Mary Magdalene out of her whore contract, or I’m bringing all of you grease bag sissies into Hell with me tomorrow.” Jesus then does a back flip over a table and starts singing the first number in the film, “One Night More.” Here are some of the lyrics. “One night more! One more night! One night more to catch a taxi, one night more to take a train, cause if I’m here tomorrow there’ll be tons of fuckin’ pain!”  It may seem a bit silly on the page, but when Ewan McGregor, who plays Jesus, sings it, little old ladies will faint, and grown men will weep like babes. Fuck! I’m crying now just thinking about it.

Don't Touch My Mouse!

Don’t Touch My Mouse!

A Mouse To Sing To

A Mouse To Sing To

Our next scene opens with Judas singing, “I gotta do this cause the money’s real good!” He sings it to a small mouse that’s sitting on his knee. The mouse will be CGI, of course, and kids are gonna DIE for it! It’s so cute. Judas then leaves while putting the mouse in his pocket. As we fade to a bar with several men seated inside drinking whiskey, smoking, and playing cards. These are John, Matthew, Luke, and Mark. They’re talking about writing a book about their adventures with Jesus. We hear the following dialog.

Mark: No fucking way am I writing about this. Man, I’ve never even seen any “miracles”.  He tells me he did miraculous shit, and I just shake my head. That dude has a temper like I’ve never seen.

Luke: I know. He’s broken my nose more than once. And remember the day Peter told him he was gay! Holy fucking shit! Peter’s lucky to be alive. I hate writing too. Let’s just tell him we’ll write it and then don’t do it. He’s gonna be dead soon anyway, it ain’t like he’s REALLY coming back.

The 4 "Official" Gospel Writers

The 4 “Official” Gospel Writers

John: Hey! I’ve a great idea. We’ll hire some college kids to write it. We’ll tell ’em it’s for a creative writing project or something.

Matthew: Sounds great, now get me a beer, a babe, and a place to get cozy in, cause I need me some tail before tomorrow!

The final scene is one in which all 12 Apostles and Jesus, armed with rifles and side arms storm into a child sweat shop where children aged 4 to 7 have been forced to make clothes for the people of Bethlehem by a wild motor cycle gang high on drugs.

Motorcycle Thugs High On Drugs

Motorcycle Thugs High On Drugs

Jesus lifts his rifle, shoots at a guy on a motor cycle and sings, “Look out! Look out! You tiny, little kids! How long, Oh kids have you been lacking bibs?” Jesus then grabs a biker by the throat and tears his head off as blood shoots ten feet into the air. “Man, that felt great,” Jesus says, and opens the sweat shop door allowing all the little kids to exit the shop into the bright sunshine of a day about to be beautiful for all but Jesus. As we fade to black, Jesus looks right into camera, winks, and says, “Man, today is really gonna fuckin’ suck.”

Pat Robertson Is Scrooge In TACP’s Production Of “A Christmas Carol”

Humbug! And Up Yours, I Say!

Humbug! And Up Yours, I Say!

TACP is very proud to present: “A Christmas Carol,” with Pat Robertson as Scrooge, Barack Obama as The Ghost of Christmas Past, and the ghost of Christopher Hitchens as The Ghost of Christmases yet to come. The film opens on Christmas Eve. Get your tickets early, cause this movie is gonna rock! Brief scenes from the script by Quintin Tarantino will be presented on an ongoing basis right here to whet your appetite for the movie. The film was co-directed by Martin Scorsese and Lars Von Trier and features a sound track by John Williams.

Scene one: Scrooge’s bedroom, dusk. Scrooge is tossing darts at a dart board with the words “Obama Care” written in the bull’s-eye.  The Ghost of Christmas Past enters by crawling through an open window, startling Scrooge.

BOO! I'm The ghost Of Christmas Past!

BOO! I’m The ghost Of Christmas Past!

Scrooge: What in the name of our lord and savior, Jesus Christ, do you think you’re doing crawling into my house, black person? One call and your humbug butt gets arrested; then found guilty, and then executed for being a black man who crawled into a white man’s house through the window.

Ghost: I am the Ghost of Christmas Past, and I have come to show you how past Christmases have helped turn you into the grouchy-ass racist mother fucker you are today, Mr. Scrooge.

Scrooge: Racist? I’m not racist. Two of my septic tank cleaners are black, and another is an illegal alien who I pay a whopping 15 cents a day to. Humbug, I say! Humbug!  I’m about as progressive as you can get after surpassing a certain tax bracket. I’m conservative, a Tea Party member, a Christian, white, and rich.  You, know, a real American.

Ghost: Believe me, sir, you are far from being progressive on anything.  Now, take my hand and I’ll transport you back to earlier Christmases so you can see how the mother fucker you are today was formed.

Scrooge: Hand? I have to touch you to do this? But you’re black. I might catch something.  Have you done this before?

Ghost: Just take my fucking hand before I kick your old white ass all over the damn room.

Scrooge takes the Ghost’s hand and we fade to black.

End of part one.

The First Supper Of Christ: Apostles Assembled, Part 3

The First Supper Of Christ: Apostles Assembled

Scene 3

Galilee. Outside of a club called, “The Best Little Singing Stripper Bar In Galilee.”  It is about 10:00 PM. Jesus, Peter, and Judas are preparing to burst inside to retrieve Mary Magdalene and free her from her life of singing whoredom. Unbeknownst to them, however, is that her pimp is none other than Herod, himself, King of Judea.  It is, as before, a very long time ago.

Jesus: All right gentlemen. This is the type of thing we’ve been training for. When I kick the door in, I’m going to grab the first bouncer I see and break his nose. You two do the same. I need you both to kick as much ass as possible and keep whoever is in there focused on you. I don’t want them knowing why we’re there. And I might need a few minutes to find Mary. Ready?

Peter and Judas: Hell, yes, we’re ready!

Jesus kicks open the door to the bar and grabs a bouncer standing near it by the hair. He lifts his right knee toward the man’s face as he pushes his head down into it. There is a loud snap, and blood sprays from the man’s face. As the camera swings up, we see a stage with Mary Magdalene singing on it and taking off her clothes. Just as she is about to remove her skirt, she notices Jesus and stops.

Miley Cyrus Singing As Mary Magdalene

Miley Cyrus Singing As Mary Magdalene

Peter and Judas then move in from behind Jesus and swipe out the legs of two bouncers who are running toward them from behind the bar. Peter breaks the arm of one of the men, while Judas cracks the femur of the other with a heavy chair causing a compound fracture. Blood is everywhere and the injured men are all screaming in pain. Jesus leaps onto the stage and breaks the neck of a bouncer who is trying to pull Mary off the stage with him. The man drops dead onto the stage with a thump. Jesus grabs Mary’s hand, leading her off the stage and toward the door.

Thomas Hardy's Jesus Is Not A Pussy

Thomas Hardy’s Jesus Is Not A Pussy

Peter and Judas have since retrieved a sawed off shot-gun from the hands of a bartender who clumsily pointed it at them and wound up with a dagger piercing his heart for doing so. Peter holds the shot-gun up and fires once into the air to startle anyone else looking to stop them.  Jesus and Mary reach the door and run out followed closely by Peter and Judas. Just as the door slams behind them, King Herod, in a gold bath robe, comes out of a room on the second floor of the bar and leans against the second floor railing. Four semi-clad women come out of the same room Herod did and slither up next to him. He looks down over the bloody carnage left by Jesus and his men, and says: “I WAS having a good time until SOMEBODY busted into MY place and stole MY whore. I’m going to track this son of a bitch down and crucify him. And while his ass is hanging on the cross, I’m gonna cut off his balls and feed them to him, one at a time. NO ONE fucks with Herod The Great! NO ONE!”

No One Fucks With King Herod! No One!

No One Fucks With King Herod! No One!

The scene ends with a quick flash of red that fills the entire frame. We then cut quickly to our heroes on horseback riding fervently away into the night. Jesus and Mary are astride a white stallion, and Peter and Judas are each riding a black stallion. As they come to a cave opening just inside a mountain path, the horses come to a halt as their riders slowly get down from them, one at a time.
End of scene 3.

Scene 4 to follow soon. So please check back.

The First Supper Of Christ, Apostles Assembled: Part One

The next few posts will include excerpts from a film script I’m currently working on with Pope Francis and Quintin Tarantino. The film is going to be called, “The First Supper of Christ: Apostles Assembled.” We’re hoping the Pope can convince God to allow Ingmar Bergman to return to life to direct it. But if that doesn’t happen for some reason, Terrence Malick said he’d direct it in a heart beat, and Joss Whedon’s been chomping at the bit to work with me ever since I tweaked his “Avengers” script as favor to him two years ago.

Here’s a list of  some the actors who’ve already been cast in the film and the parts they’ll be playing.

Thomas Hardy As Jesus

Thomas Hardy As Jesus

He played Bane in “Dark Knight Returns.” He’s a gifted actor who also has the raw, muscular physique this film’s Jesus requires.

Miley Cyrus As Mary Magdalene

Miley Cyrus As Mary Magdalene

Miley possesses the unique combination of singer/performer/bar whore qualities needed for this role. Plus I have a kinky, inappropriate sexual obsession with her and I’m indulging it here because I want to.

Chris Hemsworth As Peter,aka, The Rock

Chris Hemsworth As Peter,aka, The Rock

Chris is an excellent actor who also possesses an athletic, action hero physique which this film’s Peter needs to have. He also plays Thor and I love Thor.

Brad Pitt As Judas Iscariot

Brad Pitt As Judas Iscariot

Brad’s acting talent is superb and I feel he will be able to capture Judas’s inner battle with the dark side of the Force very well. He also has the muscular physique required for the role, and he, along with Chris Hemsworth, complete my list of ‘If you HAD to have sex with a guy just once, who’d be on your list to have it with list.’ I can see the headline now: ‘Brad Pitt gives gay sex a first time whirl with a straight, fat, middle age white dude no one has ever heard of .’

Patrick Stewart As The Voice Of God

Patrick Stewart As The Voice Of God

No explanation needed here. I have a Faith driven theory that Stewart actually IS God and is just waiting for the right time to reveal himself as such. That’s it on cast and characters for today. Now for a look at the script Francis, Quintin, and I have been fervently writing since we were in the 4th grade together at The Einstein School For Young Geniuses in Anchorage, Alaska many moons ago.

The First Supper of Christ: Apostles Assembled

Scene One: The Call

Rome, Italy. Christ’s apartment. 2AM. It is a very long time ago.

The film opens with the camera held on a dark, starry sky. It pans down into an open window and we see a clean-shaven, bald and very muscular, Jesus, sitting in bed, about to speak into the telephone, the ringing of which just woke him from a deep sleep.

Jesus: Who the hell is this? It’s 2 in the friggin’… Oh, Dad. Sorry. What’s up? Yes. Of course I remember. I do NOTHING but remember. EVERY bloody time I wake up and realize I’m down here and not up there, I remember. Haggling with morons every day over the prices of the furniture I make is just so beneath me. I’m a PROFESSIONAL for….OK. Yes. ..OK.  I’m listening. …Yes. …NO!….Look, Dad, that is simply NOT going to happen. I’ll straighten these people up for you, or at least I’ll try to, but if you think I’m letting these sadistic bastards hang my divine, immortal ass on cross so I can “sacrifice myself” for some stupid sin YOU are still holding a childish grudge over, you can go fuck yourself. ……No. NO! I will NOT apologize for swearing at you!  Have you ever seen a crucifixion? Fuck that, man. Let them do that to you if you want to sacrifice someone. Immortal or not, Dad, I’m not a fucking masochist. … I said, NO! You’re a sick bastard, Dad….I’m hanging up…Good bye …. What? …Sure…. Who? No…. The Holy who… Ghost? ..Oh, that nut–case who used to tell me that you and me and he were all one dude…THAT guy?! …I most certainly will NOT go around preaching with him. …. Absolutely NOT! …He’s insane, that’s why! Look….Calm down….Hey!  Stop yelling… Are you crying?…Dad? …Yes, I know you’re trying…DAD! Stop crying so you can listen a minute. … OK. Now take a depth breath and listen.  I’ve got an idea how I can get these idiots down here to repent for whatever it is you think they did to you, if I must, but I’m telling you, Pop, you really need to learn to let go of shit. This kinda crap isn’t healthy, man.  Any way, here’s my idea….

Come back tomorrow for more. If you dare!