This April, from director Quintin Tarantino and TACP, comes the story of Christ’s last night on Earth. It’s the tale of Jesus and his 12 Apostles as they seek to settle all scores, wrap up all unfinished business, and then party like it’s 1999 on the night before good ‘ol JC is tortured and killed. “We based the story loosely on ‘For A Few Dollars More’ and ‘Les Miserables,’ ” said Tarantino. “The studio insisted we make it a musical, and at first I was like,’Fuck that!’, but then the idea really grew on me. We have some moments where song and violence mix together so seamlessly, so beautifully, that you’ll swear you were viewing paradise with everyone in it spewing blood from a major artery.”
Jesus Ready To Kick Some Ass
The film opens with Jesus kicking in the door to a filthy brothel and shouting, “OK, mother fuckers! This is your last chance! Let Mary Magdalene out of her whore contract, or I’m bringing all of you grease bag sissies into Hell with me tomorrow.” Jesus then does a back flip over a table and starts singing the first number in the film, “One Night More.” Here are some of the lyrics. “One night more! One more night! One night more to catch a taxi, one night more to take a train, cause if I’m here tomorrow there’ll be tons of fuckin’ pain!” It may seem a bit silly on the page, but when Ewan McGregor, who plays Jesus, sings it, little old ladies will faint, and grown men will weep like babes. Fuck! I’m crying now just thinking about it.
Don’t Touch My Mouse!
A Mouse To Sing To
Our next scene opens with Judas singing, “I gotta do this cause the money’s real good!” He sings it to a small mouse that’s sitting on his knee. The mouse will be CGI, of course, and kids are gonna DIE for it! It’s so cute. Judas then leaves while putting the mouse in his pocket. As we fade to a bar with several men seated inside drinking whiskey, smoking, and playing cards. These are John, Matthew, Luke, and Mark. They’re talking about writing a book about their adventures with Jesus. We hear the following dialog.
Mark: No fucking way am I writing about this. Man, I’ve never even seen any “miracles”. He tells me he did miraculous shit, and I just shake my head. That dude has a temper like I’ve never seen.
Luke: I know. He’s broken my nose more than once. And remember the day Peter told him he was gay! Holy fucking shit! Peter’s lucky to be alive. I hate writing too. Let’s just tell him we’ll write it and then don’t do it. He’s gonna be dead soon anyway, it ain’t like he’s REALLY coming back.
The 4 “Official” Gospel Writers
John: Hey! I’ve a great idea. We’ll hire some college kids to write it. We’ll tell ’em it’s for a creative writing project or something.
Matthew: Sounds great, now get me a beer, a babe, and a place to get cozy in, cause I need me some tail before tomorrow!
The final scene is one in which all 12 Apostles and Jesus, armed with rifles and side arms storm into a child sweat shop where children aged 4 to 7 have been forced to make clothes for the people of Bethlehem by a wild motor cycle gang high on drugs.
Motorcycle Thugs High On Drugs
Jesus lifts his rifle, shoots at a guy on a motor cycle and sings, “Look out! Look out! You tiny, little kids! How long, Oh kids have you been lacking bibs?” Jesus then grabs a biker by the throat and tears his head off as blood shoots ten feet into the air. “Man, that felt great,” Jesus says, and opens the sweat shop door allowing all the little kids to exit the shop into the bright sunshine of a day about to be beautiful for all but Jesus. As we fade to black, Jesus looks right into camera, winks, and says, “Man, today is really gonna fuckin’ suck.”
The Arm Chair Pontificator 