I actually began cooking and savoring human infants long before I realized I don’t believe in gods any more than I believe keeping Texas in the Union is a reasonable idea. “Ya ain’t had meat ’til ya had baby meat,” my Pops always told me. And we had plenty of it when I was growing up, too. Being an atheist does, however, make the kidnapping, boiling alive, and savoring of the meat a lot easier. There isn’t a hint of guilt in me about it. The minute I realized there was no god, I raped as many children and old people as I could find, and started eating infants like they were milk from my mother’s teat. What FREEDOM!!!! Anyway, if any of my fellow morally depraved, godless readers would like some of my Nobel Prize winning recipes for cooked infant or my outstanding infant tare-tare recipe, let me know. Gotta go eat now. I’m STARVING!
I’ve written a cookbook for atheists because I decided we godless, cannibal bastards needed one. To help promote it, I’ve decided to share a few recipes from it. Try ’em. They are guaranteed DELICIOUS!
1.) Christian Infant Tartare: Just catch yourself one fresh Christian infant; flay it; soak it overnight in olive oil and garlic; carve off a nice chunk of arm or breast meat; chop into fine bits; salt lightly, and wa la! Christian infant tartare is yours to enjoy! Oh. One thing: Make sure you cut off all the skin BEFORE you salt the meat. For some reason, salt makes the skin bubble, and, if that happens, you may lose your appetite and toss out a meal you’d surely otherwise have enjoyed.
2.) Muslim Meatballs: Catch and chop up a Muslim or two; cut off a chunk or two of thigh; grind into a fine meat paste; add garlic, salt, parsley powder, a touch of oregano, and round into balls; cook in olive oil at 350 degrees for an hour; toss into your favorite pasta sauce and boil for another hour, and your meatballs are ready to serve. I’ve found that Al Qaeda meat tastes best, though I’m not sure why.
3.) Mormon Jello: This one’s easy. Catch a Mormon and slice him into thin pieces of meat; fry them in a pan with, you guessed it, garlic and olive oil; mix up a batch of clear Jello; place the cooked meat into the Jello mix; stir; refrigerate til set, and serve.
4.) Lutheran Frosted Lemon Cake: You’ll need the skin from a Lutheran or two for this. Catch the Lutherans; flay them; mash the skin into a syrupy paste after first washing it clean of blood; add sugar, and refrigerate over night; bake your favorite lemon cake; frost with the Lutheran skin paste and serve. FYI, this is a great dessert to serve after a hearty meal of Christian baby tartare. Yummy.
5.) Catholic Priest Pedophile Rapist Stew: This is my favorite dish as savoring the flesh of pedophile rapist Catholic priests never fails to lift my spirits high. Get a hold of a pedophile rapist Catholic priest, preferably one who’s been at it awhile and recently caught; slowly flay him alive; very slowly boil his still alert carcass in a vat of olive oil mixed with salt, vinegar, and garlic. The breast meat will fall off in chunks when fully boiled. Cut it into bite size pieces; stir into a pot of vegetable stew; simmer for 45 minutes and serve. Lip smacking good stuff!
Bon appetit, my fellow godless, morally deprived, evil, atheist cannibals!
Make abortion illegal but the eating of infants legal. What do pro-lifers love most? Fetuses. What could they care less about? Infants. Thus, by making abortion illegal, we make pro-lifers happy, and by making the consumption of infants legal, we make barbaric atheist infant eaters like me happy too. Pregnant but don’t want a baby? No need to worry. Just pop the little tart out, get it, “pop tart”, then simply give it to an atheist near you so he or she can make a sandwich out of it.
Awesome solution to a big problem, don’t ya think? And I don’t yet have a Nobel Prize, why?
The latest non-believer in the conservative Christian dog house, “Cosmos” host, Neil deGrasse Tyson, was accused this morning of being a cannibal by a Christian rights activist named Mary Slickpusie. “Mr. Tyson walked up to me last night as I was nailing a sign to his front door reading, ‘Stop Polluting God’s Children With Lies About Evolution Or We’ll Kill You,’ and gave me the most evil look I’ve ever seen, anyone give anyone, ever,” Ms. Slickpusie said to reporters this morning.”The look was so filled with the evil power of Satan, it allowed Mr. Tyson to project his thoughts into my mind telepathically. Once there, he informed me he hated Jesus so much he ate Christian babies, alive, every night just to make him cry.
Neil Tyson should be arrested, castrated, and fed alive to starving crocodiles for projecting his thoughts into my mind without asking for permission and for cannibalizing Christian infants on a nightly basis. And just in case no one’s noticed, Mr. Tyson is black. That alone is enough to convict and hang him in some Conservative, Christian States. Thus, I’m asking that the FBI and the CIA join forces immediately to hunt down and kill Neil deGrasse Tyson and bring an end to his campaign of hate against Jesus, the Bible, and racist, conservative, richer than any Liberal will ever be, Christians once and for all. Amen, and Hallelujah!”