Paul’s Letter To The Italians

Dear Italians. Hi. my name is Paul, and I'm writing to you because I and some of my pals will soon be visiting your fine country of Italy. I've heard you all have great food and wine there and have really spiffy hotels. I'm hoping

Dear Italians, I’m writing to thank you for your great food and wine.  I often eat at Italian restaurants, lasagna is my absolute favorite dish, and every time I do, I say to myself, “Self, you need to write a letter to the Italian people and thank them for their awesome food.”  So, that’s what I’m doing.   Thanks again, Italians.  You guys are friggin’ great.   Yours in great eats, Paul, Creator of Christianity

 

Voice Mail Greetings From The Bible

From The Bible

From The Bible

Greetings, Pontificator readers.  I spent the day today calling the cell phones of famous folks from the Bible.  Though no one was available to answer my calls, I did hear several interesting voice mail greetings which I’ve transcribed below for your reading pleasure.  Enjoy.

1.) Moses

Oy Vey! Leave a god damn message already! I'm gettin' senile an' will most likely erase the god damn before....God dammit!!! I just stepped in dog crap!!! Zipporah!!! I told you I didn't want the dog left in the living room!!!! Son of a bitch!!!! I swear to...End of message.

Oy Vey! Leave a god damn message already! I’m gettin’ senile an’ will most likely erase the god damn thing before….God dammit!!! I just stepped in dog crap!!! Zipporah!!! I told you I didn’t want the dog left in the living room!!!! Son of a bitch!!!! I swear to…Beep!

2.) The Holy Spirit

You've reached the voice mail of The Holy Spirit. I can't take your call right now because I'm out impregnating 13 year old virgin gals with The Lord's seed. Leave a message after the beep, and if I'm not too worn out when I get home, I'll call you back.

You’ve reached the voice mail of The Holy Spirit. I can’t take your call right now because I’m out impregnating 13 year old virgin gals with The Lord’s seed. Leave a message after the beep, and, if I’m not too worn out when I get home, I’ll call you back.  Beep!

3.) St. Paul

Um, hello? You've reached Paul. I'm, um..out right now....Jesus Christ, already! This is hard. I made up a whole god damn religion off the top of my head. You'd think makin' up one of these greetings would be easy. Oh, fuck it all to hell! Just leave a message after the beep.

Um, hello? You’ve reached Paul. I’m, um..out right now….Jesus Christ, already! This is hard. I made up a whole god damn religion off the top of my head. You’d think makin’ up one of these greetings would be easy. Oh, fuck it all to hell! Just leave a message after the beep.  Beep!

4.) Baby Jesus

Hey all, Baby Jesus here. I can't come to the phone right now now cause...well...cause I'm a baby and can't talk on phones yet. So, just leave me a message and, after I grow up, get tortured, die for worthless evil ass, and return from the grave, I'll return your call if I deem you a good Christian.

Hey all, Baby Jesus here. I can’t come to the phone right now cause…well…cause I’m a baby and can’t talk on phones yet. So, just leave me a message and, after I grow up, get tortured, die for your worthless evil ass, and rise from the dead, I’ll return your call if I deem you worthy.  Beep!

5.) Mary Magdalene

Hey there studs and studettes. You've made contact with the cell phone of Mary Magdalene. JC and I are at the movies right now, but if you leave a message, I'll return your call later. bye now.

Hey there studs and studettes. You’ve made contact with the cell phone of Mary Magdalene. JC and I are at the movies right now, but if you leave me a message, I’ll return your call later. Bye now.

6.) Yahweh

What! What do you want? Why the hell you callin' me? Ain't you read yer Bible? Don't you know what an unhappy, miserable, vengeful shit I am? What in My Own Name makes you think I'd want to talk to you? Just piss off and don't bother leaving a message.

What! What do you want? Why the hell you callin’ me? Ain’t you read yer Bible? Don’t you know what an unhappy, miserable, vengeful shit I am? What in My Own Name makes you think I’d want to talk to you? Just piss off and don’t bother leaving a message. I ain’t gonna listen to it!  Beep!

St. Paul Cast In Avengers: Age Of Ultron

St. Paul With The Script To Avengers Movie

St. Paul With The Script To Age of Ultron

Stop Picking On Me, Shouts Thor

“Stop Picking On Me, St. Paul,” Shouts Thor

Marvel Studios and Heaven announced today that St. Paul, the dude who spread Christianity like butter during the first century, has been cast as a comedic nemesis to Thor in Avengers: Age of Ultron. “It’s gonna be great,” said St. Paul today. “It’s a HILARIOUS part I have.  I play myself and pop up at unexpected moments in the film to taunt Thor about the fact there’s only one god, and it’s Jesus, not him.  There’s a scene where Thor is doing his business in the bathroom and I enter the stall next to him.  I burst into this annoying song they wrote for me while I toss bibles over the top of the stall at him. He gets really pissed and calls his hammer which smashes down half the bathroom to get to him. Then I run away shouting that this is just the beginning of what I’m going to do to him. Funny, people, really funny stuff.  Oh, the song I sing is to the tune of If I Were A Rich Man and goes something like this: If I were a true man, tinkle winkle, tinkle winkle, tinkle winkle, tinkle wink.  All day long I’d say I’m not a god, and that I am a dirty, lying fink.”

Avengers: Age of Ultron opens on Friday, May 1st and is sure to be another hit for Marvel Studios, especially now that St. Paul is in it.

Saint Paul And Joseph Stalin To Host Unique Movie Review Show For AMC

The AMC cable network’s afterlife department released a statement today that Joseph Stalin, atheist, Socialist dictator, and all around son of a bitch, will host a new and unique movie review show this spring with the original spreader of Christianity himself, Saint Paul.

Stalin:  Dictator, Anti-theist, Son Of A Bitch, And Movie Critic

Stalin: Son Of A Bitch And Movie Critic

The show will be called, We Ain’t Seen It, But We’re Gonna Criticize It Anyway. It will primarily feature Stalin and St. Paul critiquing movies they haven’t seen based entirely on reviews of others whose names they often won’t be able to recall or pronounce. In some cases, the two historical giants will review movies they actual have no intention of ever seeing but feel compelled to express an opinion on because others have.

St. Paul With The Script To Avengers Movie

St. Paul About To Critique A Book He Hasn’t Read

In order to appear snobbish and anti-establishment, they will take particular care in trashing any Shakespeare film that comes out as out-dated irrelevant tripe not worthy of their time. The two will engage in rants of righteous pontificating with such a conviction, viewers will swear they simply MUST be correct in their opinions of the films they review, though they haven’t seen them and probably never will. From time to time, Stalin and Paul will review popular TV shows and popular books based solely on what others have said about them. A lot of esoteric and big words will be used during the reviews to keep the viewer thinking he’s listening to two intelligent people converse. The new show will debut after the season premier of Mad Men on AMC. Stalin and St. Paul will not watch the premier but will critique it anyway after they hear what a few others have to say about it.

 

Hilarious Bible Qoutes You’ve Never Read

Hilarity & The Bible Go Together Like Farts And 5th Grade Boys

Hilarity & The Bible Go Together Like Farts And 5th Grade Boys

We all know and love the Bible for its light take on reality and its pompous, male-centric nonsense, but few know of the sublime hilarity hidden within its pages. Why? Because the Bible, like the pyramids of Egypt, was cryptically created by aliens whom only a very few geniuses have ever completely understood. Well, lucky for you, I’m one of them. Thus, I’ve been able to decrypt a few of the more hilarious Bible verses for you, and I’ve written them below for your entertainment.

1.) This first quote comes from Paul’s letters to the Hungarians. It reads as follows: “Knock knock. Who’s there? Ya better zip. Ya better zip what? Ya better zip yer fly after ya pee or yer dinky will get cold.”

2.) This one is from Galatians. It reads as follows: “Hey Henry!” “Yes.” “What the fuck is a Galatian, exactly?” “What kind of idiot are you? He’s the arch nemesis of The Fantastic Four and the creator of The Silver Surfer. God, you’re a dork!” “Sorry, dude. Guess we all can’t be as smart as you.”

3.) This one comes from Genesis: “And then Bones said unto Kirk:’It took God 7 days to make the universe. But she does it in 7 minutes!’ ”

4.) This gem comes to you from The Gospel of Luke: “Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.” “He told me enough! He told me you killed him!” “No, Luke! I am your father!” “NOOOOOO!!!”

5.) Finally, for today, I bring you this beautiful quote from the Book of Revelation: “A revelation? You want a revelation, Alice? I’ll give you a revelation! Bang! Zoom! You’re gonna be on the MOON in minute, Alice! How’s that for a revelation?”

Lazarus, The World’s First Zombie, Talks

Hi, y’all. Lazarus here. You know, the guy Jesus brought back from the dead and then quickly abandoned, that Lazarus. I’m here cause I want to tell my story, a story I’ve been waiting to tell for over 2000 years.  It hasn’t been easy people. Really, it hasn’t. One minute there I was, deader than shit, then, BAM! I wake up smelling like the bowels of Hell itself from decay, and Jesus is standing there smiling with a big-ass crowd behind him. “Jesus,” I said, “is that you?” And he answers, “Of course, chowder head. Who else could’ve brought you back to life? Aren’t you happy I did this for you?”  “Hell, no!” I answered. “I smell like rot! I’ve been dead for days, you idiot! What the Hell were you thinking? I was in Heaven. Happy. Having a beer with some babe I just KNOW was really into me. And you drag my ass back down here. For what? To show off to the crowd that you’re god? You may be a god, Jesus, but you are a childish, brat of a god if you ask me. This SUCKS! Put me the way I was you ninny, or I’m telling your Pop you need a spanking when I go back to Heaven!” Well, needless to say, that wasn’t exactly the brightest thing to say at the moment, cause Jesus did not return me to Heaven, he just flipped me off and left with his big-ass audience right behind him. I haven’t heard from him since.

Jesus! Don't Just Leave Me Here Like This, Shouts Lazarus

Jesus! Don’t Just Leave Me Here Like This, Shouts Lazarus

So, there I was, reanimated, smelling of decay, and wrapped in bandages, all alone in front of my own grave. I knew that no one in their right mind would believe me if I said I’d just been brought back from the dead by Jesus, so I pretended to be a leper and hobbled on over to the nearest leper colony called, “Grounded Parts, Etc”, and lived there, as a tailor specializing in stitching fallen body parts back on to folks seamlessly, for about two centuries. I had already been dead, so I didn’t have to fear becoming infected with leprosy or dying. In time, the stench of the grave left me, and my looks returned to normal. I greatly desired to tell my story, especially as I saw a whole religion starting to develop around Jesus, who people were saying was this all-loving awesome dude. Fuck that. I knew for a fact he wasn’t that awesome at all of a dude. He fucked me, his pal, big time. I wouldn’t trust that bastard under any circumstance, let alone with the salvation of my soul. He didn’t save mine, he fucked it over and left me here on Earth with no way back to Heaven. But I was still in a powerless position, because I knew no one would believe my story. I left the leper colony, and moved to Rome with the money I’d saved up over the centuries. I bought some land and a few slaves (Yes, slaves. It was legal then, and I was nice to them. Nicer than Jesus was to me).  Even after Rome fell, I was able to keep my land and I grew very, very rich over the years.

I Wonder Where Jesus Is Off To?

I Wonder Where Jesus Is Off To?

I’ve lived through the rise and fall of Empires. I’ve seen man go from riding horses to flying in airplanes, and I’ve witnessed the rise and now decline of religions built on the falsehood that Jesus was a savior of some sort, that he was tortured and killed for our sins, and that he resurrected himself from the dead after lying in a grave for three days. This is all a lie. I know. I was there. Left, by Jesus, to bear witness to it all. Jesus got fed up with people here on Earth after Judas attempted to betray him. He saw that Judas was crucified for what he did, and then returned to Heaven without ever saying goodbye to anyone, even his apostles. It was Paul, St. Paul to many, who created Christianity, not Jesus. He was the L. Ron Hubbard of his day and created a religion just because he knew he could do it. Only now do I feel there may be some people who’ll believe my story and see the folly of believing in wild extraordinary stories about saviors and all-loving beings without evidence. If something sounds wildly fantastic and impossible, it more than likely is. I don’t get why this is so hard a concept to grasp. But, I’ve said my piece, and I’m off now to tend to my property in Europe. I’m not going to leave this planet anytime soon. Jesus made sure of that. Remember that, and me, Lazarus, the next time you think fondly of Jesus. That stinking rat bastard.