Biblical relics that is, and they’re being sold by yours truly, The Arm Chair Pontificator. Here’s a list of some of the relics I’ve acquired via unsavory methods over the years which are for sale.

1.) Jesus’ beard. I “found” this little item in a Jewish dude’s bagel shop here in Chicago. He had the bloody thing hanging in his shop window with a sign under it that read: “Buy a dozen bagels and I’ll let you touch the beard of Christ. Oy vey!”

Christ’s Beard: $10.00

2.) St. Peter’s Pee. I “collected” this rare specimen from the bottom of an ancient urinal in the Louvre during a visit to France a few years ago. According to a French archeologist I spoke to during my stay, St. Peter apparently peed in the urinal while visiting the Louvre back in the day. The then curator of the museum preserved the urinal, and the pee in the bottom of it, by roping it off and declaring it a relic. St. Peter’s pee can now be yours for the amount listed below.

St. Peter’s Pee: $8.26 + $2.00 For The Bottle

3.) Mary Magdalene’s panties: I acquired these during a government sanctioned panty-raid while I was working for the Mossad in Israel during the 80’s. That’s all I can tell you about how I acquired them, but I assure you, they are the real deal.

Mary Magdalene’s Panties: $16.53

4.) Judas Iscariot’s cell phone: This is the very phone Judas used to make the deal to point Jesus out to the authorities for 30 pieces of silver. I won it on a bet I made with Vladimir Putin on last year’s Super Bowl. God only knows how he acquired it, but it is, once again, the real deal. Anyway, the damn Russians don’t know shit about American football. Putin was an idiot to bet it on the game, but now you can be the envy of all your friends by buying it from me for but a token of its true value.

Judas Iscariot’s Cell Phone: $11.76

That’s all for now, but be sure and check back soon for the sale I’ll be having on the animal dung I gathered from Noah’s Ark last year. It’s guaranteed authentic shit.