Biblical Mugshots

Here are a few Mugshots of Biblical characters I found recently while roaming around in an ancient cave in Jerusalem.

1.)

Satan: Arrested In 4000 BC For “Grabbing Women By The Pussy ‘Cause I’m Famous.”

2.)

St. Peter: Arrested In 34 AD For Shouting Anti-Semitic Slurs At A Group Of Rabbis In Jerusalem.

3.)

Judas: Arrested In 30 AD For Having Sex With Pontius Pilate’s Wife.

4.)

Virgin Mary: Arrested In 29 AD For Telling A Deli Owner She Didn’t Have To Pay For Her Bagel Because She Was ” The Virgin Mother Of The One, True God.”

5.)

Jesus: Arrested In 31 AD For Accidentally Turning All The Water At A 7 Year Old’s Birthday Party Into Wine.

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Bible Characters Who Had Weight Problems

Here are a few pics of Bible characters who had appetites that were, to say the least, rather insatiable.

Baby Jesus Had Quite A Problem Keeping His Weight Down. His Mother, Mary, Once Said About Him, "Yeah, That Little Dickens LOVES His Donuts, And, Since He's, Well, God, He Can Simply Materialize Them Whenever He Wants Them. Makes It Damned Hard To Monitor His Diet, I Must Say."

Baby Jesus Had Quite A Problem Keeping His Weight Down. His Mother, Mary, Once Said About Him, “Yeah, That Little Dickens LOVES His Donuts, And, Since He’s, Well, God, He Can Simply Materialize Them Whenever He Wants Them. Makes It Damned Hard To Monitor His Diet, I Must Say.”

 

Mary Magdalene Had A Love For Pasta That Was Notorious Throughout The Ancient World. August Caesar Once Said Of Her, "That Lady Sure Can Eat. I Invited Her To The Palace For Diner One Night And It Cost Me, Like, 4500 Bars Of Gold In Pasta Alone. That's A LOT Of Gold, Even For The Emperor."

Mary Magdalene Had A Love For Pasta That Was Notorious Throughout The Ancient World. August Caesar Once Said Of Her, “That Lady Sure Can Eat. I Invited Her To The Palace For Diner One Night And It Cost Me, Like, 450 Bars Of Gold For The Pasta Alone. That’s A LOT Of Gold, Even For The Emperor.”

 

Not Only Was St. Peter A Heavy Fella, He Had A Belch So Loud It Shook Buildings, At Least According To St. John. "Yep," John Once Said," Peter, After Eating An Entire Roasted Pig By Himself, Belched So Loud The Doors Of The Restaurant We Were In Literally Fell Off The Hinges. Wild Fella, That Peter."

Not Only Was St. Peter A Heavy Fella, He Had A Belch So Loud It Shook Buildings, At Least According To St. John. “Yep,” John Once Said, “Peter, After Eating An Entire Roasted Pig All By Himself, Belched So Loud The Doors Of The Restaurant We Were In Literally Fell Off Their Hinges. Wild Guy, That Peter.”

Bible Folks In Ascots

Here are a few pics of folks from the Bible looking stunning in ascots.

1.) John the Baptist

He looked so amazing in this ascot, I barely noticed John the Baptist was missing his head.

He looks so stupendous in this lovely ascot, you barely notice his missing head.

 

2.) Yahweh

The Godfather of All Things has never looked more content than he does sporting this fabulous ascot.

The Godfather of All Things has never looked more content than he does sporting this fabulous ascot.

 

3.) Jesus

The Son of Man looks about as "GQ" as one can get wearing this masculinely patterned ascot.

The Son of Man looks about as “GQ” as one can get wearing this masculinely patterned ascot.

 

4.) Saint Peter

Though he looks a tad dainty in this white, fluffy ascot, Christ still built his church upon this rock of a man.

Though he looks a tad dainty in this white, fluffy ascot, Christ still built his church upon this rock of a man.

 

5.) Judas Iscariot

Apparently this fallen Apostle spent all 30 pieces of the silver he received to betray Jesus on this striking blue ascot and suit jacket.

Apparently this fallen Apostle spent all 30 pieces of the silver he received to betray Jesus on this striking blue ascot and suit jacket.

Relics For Sale! Relics For Sale!

Biblical relics that is, and they’re being sold by yours truly, The Arm Chair Pontificator. Here’s a list of some of the relics I’ve acquired via unsavory methods over the years which are for sale.

1.) Jesus’ beard. I “found” this little item in a Jewish dude’s bagel shop here in Chicago. He had the bloody thing hanging in his shop window with a sign under it that read: “Buy a dozen bagels and I’ll let you touch the beard of Christ. Oy vey!”

Christ's Beard: $10.00

Christ’s Beard: $10.00

 

2.) St. Peter’s Pee. I “collected” this rare specimen from the bottom of an ancient urinal in the Louvre during a visit to France a few years ago. According to a French archeologist I spoke to during my stay, St. Peter apparently peed in the urinal while visiting the Louvre back in the day. The then curator of the museum preserved the urinal, and the pee in the bottom of it, by roping it off and declaring it a relic. St. Peter’s pee can now be yours for the amount listed below.

St. Peter's Pee: $8.26

St. Peter’s Pee: $8.26 + $2.00 For The Bottle

3.) Mary Magdalene’s panties: I acquired these during a government sanctioned panty-raid while I was working for the Mossad in Israel during the 80’s. That’s all I can tell you about how I acquired them, but I assure you, they are the real deal.

Mary Magdalene's Panties: $16.53

Mary Magdalene’s Panties: $16.53

4.) Judas Iscariot’s cell phone: This is the very phone Judas used to make the deal to point Jesus out to the authorities for 30 pieces of silver. I won it on a bet I made with Vladimir Putin on last year’s Super Bowl. God only knows how he acquired it, but it is, once again, the real deal. Anyway, the damn Russians don’t know shit about American football. Putin was an idiot to bet it on the game, but now you can be the envy of all your friends by buying it from me for but a token of its true value.

Judas Iscariot's Cell Phone: $11.76

Judas Iscariot’s Cell Phone: $11.76

That’s all for now, but be sure and check back soon for the sale I’ll be having on the animal dung I gathered from Noah’s Ark last year. It’s guaranteed authentic shit.