Xenophobe Valley, Texas. Donald Trump today announced that Darth Vader will speak on his behalf at this week’s Republican National Convention. “I’ve been friends with Lord Vader for many years, ” Mr. Trump said earlier. “He’s perhaps the greatest fascist I’ve ever known. His method of ruling the galaxy through threats, violence, and bullying has given me many hard-ons over the years. Thus, I’m absolutely ecstatic that he’s agreed to come to the Republican National Convention in Cleveland this week to tell Americans what a lovely, handsome, testosterone-filled, dictator I’d make as their President. I truly feel this is the final straw I need to completely devastate Hillary Clinton’s hope of defeating my magnificent self in November. I know most Americans simply can not wait to bow down before me and worship me as their lord, master, and President. Very soon now, this will be a reality. I’d like to thank Lord Vader in advance for what is sure to be an applause-inspiring speech, and I’d like to thank the American people for all of their support in elevating me, a white supremacist, misogynistic, racist blow-hard of a man to the highest office in the country. God bless you America, and may the Force be with you.”
So, I’ve been calling Nobel Prize Committee members and breathing like Darth Vader into the phone when they answer for months now just to fuck with ’em. I’ll do, like, 300 or so calls like this on a phone, then toss it out, buy a new one, and begin all over again. This way, the authorities, whom my lawyer says want me to stop this, won’t be able to trace the calls back to me. I learned how to do this from a character in “The Wire” which was on cable a few years back. The last time I called a committee member’s house to do this, however, his 9-year-old niece answered the phone, and me, being the sly dog I am, told her I was God and that I was calling to warn her that her uncle was the Devil and was going to boil her alive in oil then feed her to wild pigs while making her mother watch. I thought for sure I’d fucked this kid’s mind up good, until I heard her handing the phone to her uncle while saying, “There’s a crazy man on the phone saying he’s God.” Well, the language that came out of that guy’s mouth when he started yelling at me was so foul, I can’t get myself to write it. He insulted my cock size and questioned whether or not I took large penises up my manhole. He hurt my feelings, and he made me cry. That just wasn’t necessary, or nice. I wouldn’t have to do shit like this if the fucking Nobel Committee would JUST GIVE ME MY HARD EARNED NOBEL PRIZE ALREADY!!! It’s not my fault I said horrible shit to that child, it’s THEIRS!!! And by God, I swear I’ll make them pay for it if it’s the last thing I do! Well, maybe not THE last, but at least close to it.
While in town to promote his new cologne, “Scent of An Iron Lung,” Dark Lord of the Sith, Darth Vader, took a few minutes to answer questions for “Tribune” political reporter, Sally Getmeoff. A transcript of the interview is presented below.
Sally: Thank you for letting me interview you, Lord Vader.
Vader: Your thanks are not required. But your loyalty to the Dark Side of the Force is.
Sally: That is actually a good lead in for my first question. Many Conservative Christians see the legalization of gay marriage as a dark, almost evil occurrence. What are your thoughts on gay marriage?
Vader: Gay marriage is insignificant compared to the POWER of the FORCE! To the Sith, POWER is all that matters. We do not attempt to hide that fact behind a smoke screen of self-righteous intent as your “Christians” do. They foolishly believe their faith makes them powerful when, in fact, it shows them for the weak, imbecilic fools they truly are.
Sally: Fascinating. For my next question, I’d like you to give us your thoughts on Obama Care. Do you agree with many conservatives that it boarders on socialism or even fascism by the Obama administration?
Vader: When it comes to dictatorial forms of government, conservatives are but the learners, and I AM THEIR MASTER! They will all kneel before me when I proclaim myself Emperor and Master of their pathetic world. THIS is the way of the Sith. As is providing decent medical coverage to everyone in said Empire. For what good is an Empire that doesn’t provide decent medical coverage for all its subjects, rich and poor?
Sally: Good question, Lord Vader. Good question, indeed. Now for my last question. What is your opinion on the use of armed drones in the fight against terrorism in the Middle East?
Vader: To kill that coldly, with an unmanned aircraft piloted safely from thousands of miles away, is truly the path to the Dark Side of the Force. I can FEEL the ANGER these drones create in their victims. It gives them FOCUS. It makes them POWERFUL. It fuels their desire for REVENGE! It makes an end to senseless killing a complete impossibility. And for that I say, thank you America. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to meet my son, Luke, for dinner, and I need to polish my helmet before I do. A pristine image is always a must for the Sith.
Sally: Thank you again, Lord Vader, and good luck in your ongoing war with the Jedi.
Here at TACP Inc, I get letters. Tons of letters. Most of them question my manhood and sanity, but a few are much more insulting and/or creative than that. So, I’ve decided to share a few of the best ones for the enjoyment of the plethora of readers I have world-wide. I’ve also included my response to each of these letters at no cost to anyone, anywhere, ever.
1.) This first letter was written in response a post I published criticizing Scientology. It reads as follows: “Dear Pontificator, You are not as smart as you think! You are a dumb-bell and you smell like rotten cheese. Your parents must truly be ashamed of your dumbness. I bet your teeth are yellow and protrude 7″ from your mouth. No decent woman would look at you, let alone sleep with you, so at least the world is free of your offspring. God have mercy on you, you idiot. May you burn in Hell forever. Amy Bigbuttski, Loving Catholic and Mother, Warsaw, Poland.”
Response: Well Amy, all I can say to you is this: My teeth never, and I mean NEVER, have stuck out more than 4″ from my mouth at any time in my life. Now who’s the idiot, huh?
2.) This second letter was written in response to a post I published on Darth Vader and Yoda and it reads as follows:
“Dear Gay-face: You are gay. Did you know that, gay-rod? Did you? Why don’t you pontificate on just how gay you are, huh? No. Of course not! Cause you LOVE gays, right? They have rights, right? But Darth Vader and Yoda, they’re just fictional characters, so you think you have free-reign to pick on them without hurting anyone. Right, gay-breath? Right? Well I LOVE Darth Vader and Yoda, and your insensitive bashing of them has caused me to suffer from PTSD! Now how funny do you feel, gay-teeth! Huh? PTSD! You gave it to me. Fuck you, and good-bye, gay-hair! Yours forever, Pete Pencilpeepee, Mayor, New York City.”
Response: PTSD. Wow. That’s too bad, Pete. I was about to ask you out on a date. But there’s no way in Hell I’m ever letting another whack-job with PTSD suck my cock. Last one almost bit my dick off. Otherwise, pal, your letter was a real turn on. Thanks.
3.) The last letter I’ll share today was written in response to my post on Vladimir Putin and his funny sounding last name. “My dearest friend. I love you. I want you. I need you. You are the man of my dreams. You’re funny, sexy, smart, and surely your penis and tongue are very skilled at pleasing a woman. Just reading your post on Vladimir Putin made me wet. I simply must meet you and be ravished by you, over, and over, and over again. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to masturbate for hours. That’s how HOT writing this letter to you has made me. Please come take me soon, and hard. Yours in Christ, Sister Mary Fannytight, The Convent For 18-19 Year Old Sexy Girls, Vienna, Austria.
Response: I’ll be right there Sister. Just booked my flight. See you soon. TACP.
Once again, I’m proud to introduce, all the way from the planet Dagobah, movie critic extraordinaire and Jedi Master, Yoda with his very special guest, The Dark Lord of the Sith himself, Darth Vader.
Yoda: Hello my young Padawans. Jedi Master Yoda, I am. With me today Darth Vader is. Know him you all do I’m sure. The movie Noah he has come to discuss. (He turns to Vader) To Dagobah I thank you for coming, Lord Vader, or call you Anakin, should I?
Vader: THAT is a name that no longer has any meaning for me!
Yoda: Meaning it had when from the Emperor Luke saved you. Lost that meaning have you? Happened something has? The Dark Side I feel growing in you. Calm it you must or consume you it will.
Vader: Master Yoda. I am a Dark Lord of the Sith. Not a child. Is it not enough that work is so sparse for the Sith these days, I’ve been reduced to reviewing movies with you just so I can buy batteries for my light sabre? Must you give me lectures on the Force, as well?
Yoda: Frustration I feel in you, Lord Vader. And conflict. This must you release. Frustration leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. And hate leads to suffering. A Jedi’s mind, calm must it be. Relaxed. Or doomed you will be. Forever.
Vader: OK, Yoda, that’s it. Now it’s my turn to talk. First, I thought you invited me here to discuss Russell Crowe’s new movie, Noah, not to lecture me. Second, I am a Sith Lord, NOT a bloody Jedi. And to hell with what happened in Return of the Jedi. That was just a damn movie. Christ, we both died in that movie, yet here we are now, in the flesh, with you lecturing me almost to the point of madness. So, if you’re finished with the lectures, let’s talk about Noah. That’s why you asked me to come here in first place. Isn’t it?
Yoda: Lied I did.
Vader: What? You? You don’t lie. About what, exactly?
Yoda: Reason to Dagobah for you to come. Lied about it, I did. Seen Noah, I have not. Discuss it I can not. Will see it now, if with me you will come. Discuss it later we will. Come. Your ticket I will buy, popcorn, too, but go now we must, or late will we be. Previews must I see or ruined the movie will be. Aisle seat, too, must I have, or tense I will become, and leave early I will. Hurry we must. Avoid these things we must. Or sad will I be. Cry I will.
Vader: Alright already. I get the idea. And FYI, I haven’t seen the movie either. I went to the theater last night to see it, but was asked to leave after I Force-choked the ticket sales guy to death for short-changing me. I was going to fake like I’d seen the movie during our discussion of it by nodding my head a lot and agreeing with you on everything. So yes. Let’s go to the show and see it! I’ll even get you diner afterwards. But just ask me outright next time if you want me come by to see a movie. Lying is bad. It’s a path to the Dark Side. An old friend told me that once, a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away.
I ran into Emperor Palpatine, of “Star Wars” fame, at Starbucks this morning. He agreed to come back to The Arm Chair Pontificator offices with me so I could interview him for the site. I present that interview here, in its entirety, to be read at your leisure.
Me: Emperor Palpatine, I am very honored that you are allowing me to interview you. I know you must be very busy with all the evil shit you have to do, so I’ll get to the tough questions right away.
Palpatine: Good. I can FEEL your anxiety to ask these questions. Anxiety can be turned to ANGER, and anger gives you FOCUS; it makes you POWERFUL; it makes you SITH!
Me: Well, I’m more of a shit than a Sith to be honest. Know what I mean, Palpy ‘ole boy?
Palpatine: No. I do not know what you mean. My statement was rhetorical. I did not mean to imply that YOU personally, were a Sith. You are too much the simpleton to be Sith. You said you would not waste time, boy. You’ve done so already. Now, what questions do you have for me, Darth Sidious, Dark Lord of the Sith!
Me: Well, to start with, doesn’t it get old being angry ALL the time? I mean, dude, you’re miserable! You bitch. You grouch. You threaten, and you kill. Gets old, man. Doesn’t it?
Palpatine: WHAT DO YOU MEAN I’M ALWAYS ANGRY! (Blue lighting flashes from Palpatine’s hands as he says this. It burns several pictures off the wall). Take that back, boy! You are nothing compared to the POWER OF THE DARK SIDE!
Me: You see, Palpy. This is what I mean. I asked you a friggin’ question, dude! Did you have to fuck up my wall with blue finger lightning? Those pictures were expensive. And they weren’t mine. They’re my girlfriends. What am I suppose to tell her? Sorry, babe. Darth Sidious got pissed off and burned up your pictures with some blue finger lightning? Do you honestly think she’ll buy that? You fucked me, pal. You fucked me good!
Palpatine: GOOD. I can FEEL your ANGER! Now, reach out with it, boy! Strike me down with it, and take Darth Vader’s place by my side. I’ve been very lonely since he tossed me down that the huge tube and abandoned me, all those years ago. So please, try to kill me so I can convert you. Please?
Me: I’m not much of a killer, Palpy. And you’re a Dark Lord of the Sith. You’ll fry me, man. Look. If you’re lonely, dude, it’s cause you’re lugging around all that rage. No one wants to deal with that shit. Just chill the fuck out. Besides, however it happened, you’re in America now. Ain’t no one making you Emperor here, or making you any other kind of political ruler either, unless you are a Christian. Tell people you’re a follower of the Force in this country, and they’ll lock you in a nut house. In America, you gotta believe in virgin births, resurrections, and giant arks that 2 of every kind of animal can live on in order to be taken seriously. It’s really crazy, man. So lighten up. I’ll hang with you, but I’m not becoming an evil Sith apprentice for you. Christ, imagine me with a light sabre? I’d cut my own leg off.
Palpatine: You do bring up some very valid points, my young friend. You know, I’ve heard that J.J. Abrams is directing Star Wars Episode 7. I am very excited about that. Perhaps, you and I can go together to see it when it comes out? In the mean time, I’ll meditate on the paradoxical situation I’m in: I’m a Sith Lord with unfulfilled emotional needs caused by the very hate and anger which make me a Sith Lord. I’ve got my work cut out for me. I’ll see you again soon, my wise apprentice. I’ll see you again, soon.
Me: Yep. Take care now, Palpy. And please, don’t kill any one in the lobby on the way out.
Rome, Italy. Millions of Roman Catholics were stunned this morning when Darth Vader, Dark Lord of The Sith, appeared on Fox News to announce the Pope, and all other Catholic Clergy, had been removed from the Vatican by Imperial Storm Troopers so that he could move into it. “I have been contemplating retirement for some time now,” Lord Vader breathed heavily to Fox reporter Megyn Kelly, “and the Vatican seemed an impressive place for me to retire to, most impressive, indeed. I found the faith of its Clerical occupants, however, to be insignificant when compared to the POWER of the DARK SIDE of the FORCE, so I had them removed to an Imperial penal colony on Bespin before moving in.
Their sniveling and postulating about their rights as Vatican citizens failed to impress upon me anything other than mild annoyance. To teach them the TRUE meaning of POWER, and to REVENGE my Sith- self upon them for causing me the above mentioned mild annoyance, I decided to question several of them with the assistance of an Imperial Mind Probe Torture Droid as they were packing their belongings for their move to Bespin. As I really had no questions to ask them, knowing nothing about them, I simply asked them to repeat, 1000 times each, that I, Darth Vader, Dark Lord of The Sith, was THE MOST POWERFUL BEING any of them had ever met and all else paled in significance when compared to the POWER of THE DARK SIDE of the FORCE. After completing this task, they left for Bespin. And now that I’ve moved in to Vatican City, I ask that all former followers of the former Catholic leaders of the city pick another leader to follow, for if I am disturbed in my retirement, those disturbing me will experience the FULL POWER of the DARK SIDE of the FORCE!”