“Ouch! God dammit! I stubbed my little toe on that friggin’ couch over there! SON OF A BITCH! Whose bright idea was it to put it there? Mother of Christ, but this hurts like hell!” Albert Einstein, May 12th, 1942
Tag Archives: Albert Einstein
Quotes Famous People Never Said
Gasland, Oklahoma. Fabrication specialist, Lori L. Abia stopped by TACP offices today with some awesome quotes from some famous people that they never said. We present them for your reading pleasure below.
1.) Yoda: Well done this burger is! Order it this way, I did not. Another make me, or leave I will, and pay, I will not.
Like His Burger, He Did Not
2.) Einstein: So then I says to ‘er, “Listen baby, time is NOT relative when you’re going on a date. If I say I’m pickin’ you up at 7, I mean be ready at 7, not 7:45.” Bitch had my ass sittin’ in the car waitin’ on ‘er for 45 minutes; then she pulls this “time is relative shit” with me. This homeboy don’t play like that! Last time she’ll ever be seenin’ my wrinkled old white ass! And there ain’t nuttin’ relative ’bout that!
Dating Was Serious Business To Albert Einstein
3.) John Wayne: Stay away from acting as a living, kid. All that horseback ridin’ I did in my movies gave me hemorrhoids the size of golf balls.
Acting For A Living Was A Pain In John Wayne’s Ass
4.) Lassie: Woof! Woof! Grrrr! Pant, pant, pant. Woof! Meow!
Meow?
5.) Batman: Robin! Did you rub Ben Gay into the codpiece of my costume again? This is NOT funny! Grow up, or find another 40-year-old man who wants to run around with a 13-year-old boy dressed in tights fighting crime all night.
Ben Gay In Batman’s Codpiece Really Burns Him Up
Mother Teresa And Albert Einstein Engaged
Mother Teresa Says Albert Einstein Is The Cream In Her Coffee
Einstein Says, Mother Teresa Is My Soul Mate
In a breaking story that has brought smiles to the faces of many today, Albert Einstein and Mother Teresa announced they will soon become husband and wife. The two met last year in a Dunkin’ Donuts in Heaven where both now reside. “I was sitting there looking out the window pondering a viable hypothesis for faster than light travel,” said the Father of Relativity, “when Teresa walked up to me and asked for an autograph. I just about spilled my coffee on my lap when I looked up at her. What a dish! I asked her to join me for coffee and bagels, which she did. We got to talking and found we are both HUGE fans of ‘The Walking Dead’ television show. We spent hours just shooting the shit about it and how it compares to the comic book and how George Romero created this type of thing 40 years ago. Just a wonderful talk. We knew immediately we were soul mates. I proposed to Teresa the next night at a screening of ‘Evil Dead’ and she didn’t hesitate to say yes. I mean, we’re not naive kids by any means of the imagination. As a matter of fact, in some people’s minds, we’re not even alive. So we are more than ready for the demands of marriage.” Mr. Einstein said the two will be wed in February or March of next year in the back yard of God’s new home in Orlando, Florida.
Shocking Shotgun Marriages From History
I was riding shotgun with Stephen Hawking the other day when he mentioned to me that his was a shotgun marriage. “Had it not been for that gun in my face, way back when, I’d never have been anything but a player for my entire life.” Well, I just about fell off the side of Hawking’s chair when he said this. Never could I have imagined such a reputable scientist being forced to marry a women via the shotgun method. So I decided to do a bit of made-up research to see just who else in history celebrated their nuptials via the same matrimonial process. Below I present my stunning, yet entirely true, findings. I suggest you get a stiff drink and sit down before reading it, however. The very foundation of your world is about to change.
I Rode Shotgun With Hawking On This Chair
Shocking Historical Shotgun Marriages And Their Participants: Volume One
1.) Pope Penile the Pontificator: Pope Penile was the 17th century’s equivalent of me: A guy with a huge mouth, very little knowledge about anything important, and a lot of time on his hands. He was also, like me, raised Catholic. Apparently, he got some Italian Lord’s daughter pregnant and the guy forced him to resign the Papacy and marry his pregnant daughter by placing a loaded musket up his anus until he did. Ouch! Once the wedding was over and the musket removed, however, Pope Penile’s replacement, Pope Vaginal the Viscous, had the Lord burned alive as a heretic and made his still pregnant daughter clean up the remains. Those Catholics know how to get even, eh?
Pope Penile The Pontificator
2.) Albert Einstein: W=1 gun squared. That’s the formula by which the guy who figured out that time itself is relative throughout the universe and not a constant got married. Al promised his childhood sweet heart, Betsy Hamburgbun, he’d marry her but then reneged on the deal when he fell in love with the cook from his college cafeteria, Anne Heimensteinstopinkissmeburg. Betsy’s father duct-taped two handguns together when he heard this and placed them up Al’s nose until he fulfilled his marriage promise to Betsy. They remained happily married after that for about six or seven years. Then Betsy became a Scientologist and Al divorced her with her father’s blessing.
Previously Unknown Shotgun Marriage Groom
3.) Winston Churchill: Winston married his first wife, Jill Templehill, only after her father placed a sawed off shotgun against Winston’s temple and threatened to blow his brains out if he didn’t. It is very unclear as to why Winston’s marriage had to be conducted this way, as Jill was a strikingly beautiful woman, and not pregnant when the two were married. Strange, eh? But absolutely true. Absolutely.
Another Previously Unknown Shotgun Marriage Groom
End Volume One
The Arm Chair Pontificator 