Happy Mother Fucker’s Day!

I’ve a great idea. I know it’s great because I thought of it, and like the Good Book says, “Those who think their ideas are great and have the balls to say so, have great ideas.” Thus, my idea is great. So, here it is: Make the day after Mother’s Day, “Mother Fucker’s Day”. Let me set the scenario for you. You’ve just finished an exhausting dinner with your mother, a middle age crabby person who takes every opportunity she has to remind you of just how disappointed she is in you,  and you’re angry in a pent-up, gotta get relief or bust kinda way. You can’t yell at your mom and tell her what you actually think of her. No way. The Bible forbids it, and you’ll burn in Hell for it. So, here’s my answer for you. Send someone, even a dead someone, a “Mother Fucker’s Day” card the very next day and regain your equilibrium.

Happy Mother Fuckers Day To Hitler: A True Mother Fucker

Happy Mother Fucker’s Day To Hitler: A True Mother Fucker

For example, I sent Hitler a “Mother Fucker’s Day” card this morning that read,”Dear Hitler, I think you were a real mother fucker to kill all those innocent people like that, and I’m glad you’re dead.” I sealed it; addressed it to, “Adolf H.,The Bunker Remains, Berlin, Germany'” and mailed it off first thing this morning. Hell, it doesn’t matter if it actually ever gets there. No. What matters is I blew off steam by calling a mother fucker a mother fucker, and I feel good about it. So, I declare the day after every Mother’s Day from this day forward to be, “Mother Fucker’s Day” and ask Hallmark to make cards especially for it. They, and you, will be the happier for it.

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A Modest Proposal to The Abortion Problem

Make abortion illegal but the eating of infants legal. What do pro-lifers love most? Fetuses. What could they care less about? Infants. Thus, by making abortion illegal, we make pro-lifers happy, and by making the consumption of  infants legal, we make barbaric atheist infant eaters like me happy too. Pregnant but don’t want a baby? No need to worry. Just pop the little tart out, get it, “pop tart”, then simply give it to an atheist near you so he or she can make a sandwich out of it.

Pro-lifers Love These,

Problem Solved: Since Pro-lifers Love These,

But Can Care Less About These.

But Could Care Less About These, Make Abortion Illegal,

And Atheists Love These, So My Solution Is Perfect, Eh.

And The Eating Of Infants Legal.

Awesome solution to a big problem, don’t ya think? And I don’t yet have a Nobel Prize, why?

Restraining Orders: They Haunt Me Like A Plague

These Really Cramp My Style

My Black Plague

As most of the world knows, I like to bother people. Well, I guess it’s more of an uncontrolled obsession than a “like” really, and, as my criminal psychologist always tells me, it is, in reality, a pathological sickness that isn’t as funny as I think it as. But fuck him. What does some shrink working for “The Man” know about what’s funny, eh? I know funny. And God damn it all to Hell, the following restraining orders I’ve had filed against me in recent months are fucking hilarious. And they’re all real, too. Cause, as most of the world also knows about me, I never lie or make shit up just for the sake of making shit up. So, without further ado, here’s a list of real restraining orders that are currently in place and restraining my behavior. Legally.

1.) Morgan Freeman, the actor, has an order against me stating I must cease asking him to be my Dad. I’ve been sending him countless emails, letters, singing telegrams, and strip-o-grams begging him to be my Dad cause my real father was an asshole. I just want Mr. Freeman to take me fishing once or twice and tell me I’m good. Why in fuck’s name does he need to know who I am to do this? Really, why? Well, I guess I won’t know until 2020 when the restraining order is lifted. But I’m like Al Qaeda in that I’ve got more patience than sense and waiting to get my way has never been an issue for me.

I'd Rather Go Blind Than Read Another, "Please Be My Dad Email!"

I’d Rather Go Blind Than Read Another,”Please Be My Dad Emails!”

2.) Ian McKellen has a similar order against me for the exact same reason as Mr. Freeman. Only Mr. McKellen’s was filed in Britain and has a cool accent when you read it out loud.

Why Me?

Why Me?

3.) The Nobel Prize Committee has an order against me which allows them to shoot me dead if I’m anywhere within 1000 miles of any of them at any time ever. That order has no end date, so I don’t know when I’ll get my award. But I will. Believe me, I will.

NOTHING Will Stop My Demands For My Award! NOTHING!

NOTHING Will Stop My Demands For My Award! NOTHING!

4.) Christians have an order against me which states I can not capture and eat their babies or I can be arrested. Apparently, Christian parents don’t know just how fucking delicious their babies are, cause if they did, they’d be eating them right along with me. Yummy, yum, yum, yum!

I've Been Ordered To Cut Back On These Or Face Imprisonment

I’ve Been Ordered To Cut Back On These Or Face Imprisonment

Bye for now.