I Probably Shouldn’t Have Used A Lightsaber For…

I received a working lightsaber for Christmas last year.  Here are some things I probably shouldn’t have used it for.

My Lightsaber

1.)  Opening a can of tuna.

2.)  Cleaning the wax out of my ears.

3.)  Brushing my hamster.

4.)  Chasing a group of young ruffians off of my lawn.

5.)  A vibrator.

6.)  Knocking on my neighbor’s door.

7.)  Filling out my income taxes.

8.)  Wiping my butt after going #2.

9.)  Eating spaghetti.

10.)  Proposing to my girlfriend.

 

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The Wives Of Jedi Master Yoda

Everyone knows the lovable Jedi Master, Yoda, but few know of the many wives he’s had in his life.   Here’s a list of them and Yoda’s comments about them.

“Married four times, I’ve been. Exhausted it has made me,” Yoda says.

 

Yoda’s First Wife and Sister To Evil Emperor Palpatine, Margaret Thatcher. “Too self-centered, she was,” Yoda says of her. “Used my toothbrush, she did.  Apologize, she would not. So divorce, I did.”

 

Yoda’s Second Wife, Dianne Feinstein. “Smoked like a chimney, she did. Whole house she stunk up!” Says Yoda. “So papers I served her, and out she went!”

 

Yoda’s Third Wife, Nancy Pelosi. “Dogs she loved,” Yoda says of her, “but allergic I am. The dogs or me, I said, and the dogs she kept.”

 

Yoda’s Current Wife And Dark Lord Of The Sith, Ann Coulter. “Powerful, she is,” Yoda says of her. “Afraid of her, I am. Marry her I should have not, but prisoner I now am. Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope!”

 

Goodnight Sweet Princess

Carrie Fisher. Born: October 21st, 1956 Died: December 27th, 2016

Carrie Fisher–Born: October 21st, 1956
Died: December 27th, 2016

As if 2016 hasn’t sucked enough already, Carrie Fisher, Princess Leia from Star Wars, passed away today at the young age of 60.   She suffered a massive heart attack a few days ago and died earlier today.  I was 13 in 1977 when I saw Star Wars for the first time.   To this day, it is the single greatest movie-going experience I’ve ever had.  My young heart also fell in love with Carrie Fisher that day.  I loved her portrayal of Princess Leia.  She was strong, powerful, brave, and beautiful all at the same time.   I’ve grown up with Star Wars.  It has been a significant part of my life for almost 40 years now.   I’m deeply saddened by this news and, though I didn’t know her personally, I will miss Carrie Fisher greatly.  The world was better with her in it.  Rest in peace, Sweet Princess, and May the Force Be with You.

 

Historical Figures Who Were “Like Smart People”

Trump-Apologist City, New York.   Donald Trump recently stated that he does not need to receive security briefings because he’s “like a smart person.”   There are a few other famous people who also claimed they were “like a smart person”.   Here are a few of them.

1.)  Humpty Dumpty:  Humpty proclaimed loudly, as he sat upon the wall, “I know I won’t fall because I’m like a smart person who would never do anything to endanger himself.”

Oh My God! I Didn't Realize How F**kin' Narrow This Wall Was!

Oh My God! I Didn’t Realize How F**kin’ Narrow This Wall Was!

2.)  Emperor Palpatine from Star Wars:  Emperor Palpatine once said to Darth Vader, “Darth, I, like a smart person, trust you with my life completely.  I know you’d never do anything to hurt me, like toss me down a power shaft, for example.”

But...You Were My Only Friend. AHHHHH!!!!!

But…You Were My Only Friend.  AHHHHH!!!!!

3.)  Richard Nixon:  President Nixon said to his wife, Pat, once, “Pat, I’m like a smart person.  I’d never place a bug to spy on my political enemies anyplace where it would EVER be found.”

Just Put The Tape Recorder In The Desk Drawer. No One Will EVER Think To Look There For It.

Just Put The Bug In The Light Fixture. No One Will EVER Think To Look For It There.

4.)  Anthony Weiner:  Weiner once said to his 16-year-old girlfriend, “Don’t worry, babe.  No one will EVER find out I’ve been texting you pics of my hardened genitals.”

But She Said She Was 18!

But She Said She Was 18!

5.)  Kellyanne Conway:  Kellyanne recently said to THE Donald, “Donnie, I’m like a smart person, too.  I know damn well I’ll be fondly remembered throughout history for helping you become President and for being an apologist who continually defends all the dangerous, treasonous, stupid shit you do.”

You People Are All Very Dumbly. Me 'N Donald Are Like....Well, We're Like Smart People!

You People Are All Very Dumbly. Me ‘N Donald Are Like….Well, We’re Like Smart People!

6.)  Bill Clinton:  Bill once said to Monica Lewinsky, “Monica, hand me that cigar.  Oh, and don’t worry about us fuckin’ around like this in the White House.  I’m like a smart person, and I can assure you, no one will EVER find out.”

No, I Assure You, We'll Never Get Caught.

Just Trust Me, Baby.  I’d Never Do Anything To Humiliate You In Front Of The Nation.

Donald Days And Jedi Knights: A New Film From TACP Studios

Donald Trump As Darth Narcissist

Donald Trump As Darth Narcissist

If you’re a Star Wars fan, or just a fan of good ole fashion CRAZY movies, you’re gonna love the newest film from TACP Studios: Donald Days And Jedi Knights.   The film was written by, directed by, and stars, Donald Trump as Darth Narcissist, the biggest self-loving Dark Lord in the galaxy.

WATCH!  As billionaire Darth Narcissist and his millions of mindless, white, minions, known lovingly as the Trumpettes, mock those weaker, poorer, less fortunate, and browner than they are.

CRINGE!  As Darth Narcissist sweeps all the women in the film off their feet and seduces them with his beautiful, boyish good looks.

SHIVER!  As you see Darth Narcissist use his conservative, and very expensive, custom-made, light sabre to slice to bits the last remaining hope for the Progressive movement in the galaxy, Obi-Bernie-Wan-Sanders.

VOMIT! As you realize this isn’t really a film, but news footage of what’s actually happening right now in America.

WEEP!  As Darth Narcissist proclaims himself Emperor of the World for life and vows to euthanize any and all who question his greatness.

PAY!  A whopping 25 dollars a ticket to see this film or risk the wrath Darth Narcissist himself.

GET!  A free “Trump’s Ass Is Great-That’s Why I Kiss It” T-shirt with each ticket purchase while supplies last.

SEE!  You all at the film’s premier on August 5th, 2016.

Adventures With Yoda

Pulled over, I was.  Speeding, I was.  Told me this, the police did.  Angry this made me.  In a hurry, I was.  Waiting for me, my date was.  Jedi mind trick I used.  Let me off with simply a warning, the policeman did.  On time, I was, for my date.  Sometimes, good to be a Jedi, it is.

Pulled over, I was.  Speeding, I was.  Told me this, the policeman did.  Upset this made me.  In a hurry I was.  Waiting for me, my date was.  Jedi mind trick I used.  Let me off with a warning, the policeman did.  On time for my date, I was.  Sometimes, good to be a Jedi it is.

Christmas Wishes From The Prophet Mohammad

Hoping you and yours have a very blessed and Merry Christmas. Love Always, The Prophet Mohammad

Wishing you and yours a very blessed and Merry Christmas. Love Always, The Prophet Mohammad

Santa’s Workshop, North Pole.   The Prophet Mohammad appeared on TV this morning with a red beard to wish everyone a Merry Christmas.  “I love Christmas,” Mohammad said.  “You get lots of cool gifts; eat lots of food, and sing awesome, fun songs.  What’s not to like?  Oh, if anyone wants to get me a gift, I’d love one of those remote control BB8 droids from the new Star Wars movie.  I love that little fella.   Have a great Christmas everyone.  Allahu Akbar”